Please Note: After reading this article, you will find a web site link which will lead you to an additional article on honesty in marriage.

The purpose of honesty is having the facts in front of you. Without them, you’ll fail to solve the simplest marital problems. Lying to your spouse or giving false impressions will leave your spouse ignorant of the facts.

In most marriages one of the biggest false impressions may be that both spouses are doing an outstanding job meeting each other’s needs. This form of deceit is often tempting early in marriage. There may have been some areas in which one or both of you were dissatisfied, but you didn’t want to appear unappreciative. You didn’t want to run the risk of withdrawing love units by expressing your dissatisfaction.

You can minimize the loss of love units by expressing your concerns in non-threatening, nonjudgmental ways. You can show appreciation for the effort made to meet your needs and then provide an alternative behavior that provides guidance for making that effort more effective. But only a true expression of your feelings will help you find a solution to your problems. Whenever you do not reveal the complete truth, you cripple your spouse’s ability to meet your needs. You provide a map that leads to failure. Truth is the only map that leads to success.

When finally presented with the truth about something that had been concealed, many spouses think only of punishment. They cry; they scream; they hit; they threaten-and all these things just convince the lying partner to cover his or her crimes more carefully in the future.

Don’t make your spouse miserable when he or she tells you the truth. That simply encourages dishonesty the next time. Instead, talk about how important honesty is to you and how you want to work together to achieve greater love and compatibility. Use the disclosure as evidence that you both need to rise to a new level of honesty.

How well do you encourage honesty? You may say that you want your spouse to be honest, but do your own values promote it? How do you answer the following questions?

• If the truth is terribly upsetting to you, do you want your spouse to be honest only at a time when you are emotionally prepared?

• Do you keep some aspects of your life secret and do you encourage your spouse to respect your privacy and boundaries in those areas?

• Do you like to create a certain mystery between you and your spouse?

• Are there conditions under which you would not want honesty at all costs between you and your spouse?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you do not always value honesty. In certain situations, you feel your marriage is better off with dishonesty. You see, there are always “reasons” to be dishonest. But that little crack is all dishonesty needs to slip into your marriage and run amok. As soon as you allow one reason for dishonesty, it becomes easier to allow others, and before you know it, you have a dishonest relationship.

You encourage honesty when you value honesty. If your own values do not consistently support honesty, you will be sending each other mixed messages that will undermine the Rule of Honesty.

Having consistent values is one way to encourage honesty. But another important way to encourage it is in the way you react to honesty. Do your reactions convey an appreciation for the truth, even if it’s painful? These questions will help you determine if you are actually discouraging honesty in the way you sometimes react to it.

• Do you ever have angry outbursts when your spouse is honest with you?

• Do you ever make disrespectful judgments when your spouse is honest with you?

• Do you ever make selfish demands when your spouse is honest with you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are using Love Busters to punish honesty and you are inadvertently encouraging dishonesty. The way to encourage each other to be truthful is to minimize the negative consequences of truthful revelations. Instead of trying to punish your spouse when a shocking truth is revealed, try to reward your spouse’s honesty.

I have had couples learn to say, Thank you for being honest. If they feel they need some time to process the new information, so as to protect their spouse from any Love Buster, I have them add, Can I have ten minutes to think about this and then we’ll get back together to talk about it?

There are some marriages so infected by angry outbursts that it is not safe to be honest. Honesty runs the risk of a severe beating or even death. In these marriages, I suggest that a couple separate until safety can be assured. No couple should live together as long as one spouse persists in abusing the other. And if honesty triggers physical or emotional abuse, separation is usually the only reasonable response.

Dishonesty may prevent physical and emotional abuse in the short run but dishonesty can lead to even greater abuse when it is discovered. If the fear of abuse is preventing you from being honest, I suggest separation while the abusive spouse receives professional treatment. Then when the risk of abuse is overcome, be totally honest with your spouse.

Remember, honesty is never your enemy; it’s a friend that brings light to a problem that often needs a creative solution. If honesty is followed by safe and pleasant negotiation, it becomes the necessary first step toward improving your compatibility and love for each other.

The article above comes from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity —from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage. This is a great book for married couples who want to stay together after an affair. The authors describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after an affair, how to manage resentment and rebuild trust, and much more. You can also visit Dr. Harley’s web site at www.marriagebuilders.com.

• HOW COULD HE LIE TO ME?