Have you ever been with a couple when one of them says a cutting, sarcastic remark about the other while that spouse is there, and even YOU’RE embarrassed by it? Often these barbs are treated by the one giving them as if they are a joke, and yet the one receiving them sure isn’t laughing.

Cindy and I have to confess that there have been times within our own marriage that we’ve been there and done that ourselves! We’ve fallen into the trap of zinging each other with sarcasm, claiming that we’re “just kidding.” And yet later, as we’ve “talked things out”, we better understand the damage it causes.

Sometimes the person actually WAS “just kidding.” However, the spouse on the receiving end didn’t view their humor in the same way. Humor is as it is perceived and received. Other times certain humor isn’t appropriate because of a passive aggressive thing going on. Whatever the reason, we’ve had to work through these issues through the years because a lot of damage can be done to the relationship when one aims their humor at the other and it isn’t received as being a joking matter.

“People who shrug off deliberate deceptions saying, ‘I didn’t mean it, I was only joking,’ are worse than careless campers who walk away from  smoldering campfires” (Proverbs 26:18-19 — from The Message). We’ve experienced the truth of those words all too many times.

Author Rodney A Wilson talks about sarcastic humor that damages in a Home Life Magazine article titled “Cut the Sarcasm.” In it he writes:

“My dictionary is ancient, but its definition of sarcasm is classic. ‘Sarcasm’ comes from a word meaning ‘to tear flesh, like dogs.’ It means to be brutal, have no mercy, be vicious, go for the jugular, tear flesh the way a dog would.”

That doesn’t sound to us like something we should be doing to each other as husbands and wives who love God and pledge to love and honor each other!

To truly love our spouse is to protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings … not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass or “cut them down.” By doing so, we reveal just how mean-spirited and unsafe we can be — which is not becoming of a “child of God.”

In the magazine article previously referred to, Mr Wilson also went on to write,

“While humor may appear to soften the blow, the unseen emotional damage of sarcasm can be devastating. I’m convinced many marriages die of a thousand emotional cuts instead of one deadly blow. A steady diet of sarcasm poisons a marriage — so it needs to be eliminated. No good comes from using it.

“Trust, a vital ingredient in a healthy marriage, won’t be present when a husband or wife is always braced for the next public or private cutting remark from a spouse. And respect won’t be found in the midst of ridicule. A sarcastic environment robs a marriage of peace and joy, two parts of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in a Christian’s life (See: Galatians 5:22-23). In essence, sarcasm severely limits the intimacy between a husband and wife.

“There are plenty of healthy ways to fit humor into your marriage. Choose to break the sarcasm habit, and die daily to yourself (See 1 Corinthians 15:31).”

You can read the rest of the article in its entirety on the LifeWay web site by clicking HERE.

In another article titled “Sarcasm: The Verbal Enemy at the Gate”, featured on the LifeWay web site, authors Dale and Jena Forehand also speak about sarcasm and humor that hurts. They write:

“Sarcasm is one of the most harmful verbal tactics used against a spouse. It destroys communication and unity in marriage. One of the oldest military strategies is to divide and conquer. Our enemy, Satan, still uses that tactic to destroy families. Satan first seeks to separate you and your spouse emotionally. Then he moves in and seeks to separate you and your spouse physically.

When this occurs, he is in perfect position to conquer your marriage. In the midst of conflict, the enemy begins outside the gate of your marriage, cunningly tempting you and your spouse to wage war through verbal attacks. And sarcasm often is Satan’s weapon of choice.”

The authors then give an acrostic “to help you to understand why sarcastic remarks are so damaging to marriages.” We can only give you a thumbnail sketch of what they say, but in essence:

S = it Stings
A = it Aggravates
R = it Retaliates
C = it is Controlling
A = it Alienates
S = it Shames
M = it Manipulates.

To read the rest of what the article said, go on the LifeWay web site click HERE.

Near the end of the article, the authors challenge us to “Lay It Down.” They write what we will conclude this message with — something we should never forget:

“If we know the enemy uses sarcasm to tear down marriages, then what can we do about it? We need to lay down the weapons of our enemy and pick up the weapon God has given us through His Word. Colossians 3:12-17 provides the perfect answer:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

May God richly bless your marriage,
Steve and Cindy Wright