“Laughter is as good medicine”—that’s what the Bible says, and it’s true! It can be! But when the laughter is directed AT you instead of WITH you, the “medicine” can become bitter to swallow—and that which the other person says is good can actually become harmful and hurtful instead.

Does your sense of humor make your spouse feel better (as good medicine) or does it actually tear them down and make them feel worse?

The Bible says, “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)

So, here’s the question we’d like to ask you: “Is your humor hurtful or helpful? Does it benefit and build your spouse up or do they PERCEIVE that you joke around with them in a hurtful manner?”

A lot of what humor is all about is perception. What may be funny to one person may not be perceived as being funny to another.

One of the many qualities I most appreciate about my husband is the way he makes me (Cindy) laugh. Sometimes I take life too seriously and often, just at the right time, Steve finds a way to make me laugh-which makes life so much more fun together. As Dr’s David and Jan Stoop say, “Show us a marriage that is faltering, and we’ll show you a marriage where the fun is gone.”

As married couples we need to find ways to INFUSE humor and fun into our lives. We say infuse because it doesn’t always come naturally. Life can eventually drain humor right out of our married lives so sometimes we need to look for things to laugh about together—being INTENTIONAL in bringing laughter into our homes.

But we want to make sure that the humor isn’t one-sided and teasing doesn’t get to the point where the other spouse doesn’t find it fun and amusing but hurtful.

In an article titled, “What Joy Isn’t,” written by Nancy Ortberg, appearing in the spring 2006 issue of “Marriage Partnership Magazine” www.marriagepartnership.com Nancy writes of three ways we “misuse or abuse joy.” One of them is on this very topic. Here’s what she says on this subject:

Hurtful humor: This is what I call the sword and shield approach. With the sword you inflict intentional pain, and then you hide behind a phrase such as, “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”

It’s the coward’s approach. It’s saying, I have an issue with my spouse, but I’m too chicken to bring it up honestly where I might face disapproval or anger. So rather than facing it head on, often in the company of other people, I’ll come up with a joke that’s intentionally designed to hit at the heart of some tender area between us. [OUCH!]

Some neighbors from across the street came to our house one evening to borrow an iron. The husband wanted to use it. I was amazed. And in his hurry to borrow my iron he had to rush back to his house because his stir fry was burning. So he was cooking.

I asked his wife, “Does he do in-home training?” making a joke intentionally designed to say to my husband, John, “Can’t you be like that? How come you don’t iron? Why don’t you cook?”

After this couple left John asked me, “Did you really mean that?” He was hurt. It was so easy for me to say, “Oh, come on; that was just a joke,” when it wasn’t a joke. I misused joy.

John’s also been guilty of using hurtful humor. Not long ago I was commenting on the fact that when our children were little they didn’t pull all the pots and pans out of the drawers in the kitchen and play with them like so many toddlers do. I was wondering why, and John mentioned that perhaps it was because they’d never seen the pots and pans.

Translation: I wish you’d do more of that home-cooked meal thing. But it was easy to hide behind, “Oh no, I was just kidding.”

We know one husband who’s a real go-getter, a decisive man. His wife is very different. He loses no opportunity to jokingly chide her about the fact that she can’t make a decision about how much salt to put on her salad or what dress she’s going to wear. The sad thing is now their sons are doing it. They all make fun and tease their mom about her inability to make decisions.

Perhaps it would be better for that couple to have a heart-to-heart discussion in which they say, “I wish you could make decisions better” or “Why do you need me to be like you and be decisive? Can it be okay that I have trouble making decisions and you don’t?”

Humor that’s based on ridicule is using joy destructively on your relationship.

True joy comes when we vow to laugh with each other, not at each other. Personal shortcomings, areas of tenderness between the two of us, are not material for jokes or the use of humor.

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Is there some shred of truth in what’s written above that the Lord is pointing out to you about your own brand of humor and teasing which you use AT your spouse’s expense (instead of laughing WITH them)?

It says in Proverbs 26:18-19, “Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows, is a man who deceives his neighbor (or spouse) and says, ‘I was only joking!’”

We need to be careful not to shoot deadly arrows at our spouse, trying to disguise it as “joking.” If your spouse doesn’t perceive your humor as being funny then it’s deadly and hurtful and not only isn’t your spouse laughing, but neither is the Lord! The applicable term in this case is: “madman.”

We pray that we all will work to bring joy and laughter into our marriages, from this day forth, and make our laughter “as good medicine” HELPING—rather than hurting our marital relationships!

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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