Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?
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When we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse as well. Not as many as women, true, but it still happens.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, ”Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘Taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help — especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers are less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is still wrong no matter who is the one who is victimizing the other.
Maxine Marz wrote an article titled, ”Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” (Metronews.ca, August 31, 2004), and she had the following to say on this subject:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.
The first two articles consist of stories of battered men (some being followers of Christ and others who are not) who share their life experiences of being battered by various women. To read what they have written, please click onto the links (from Heart-2-heart.ca and Batteredmen.com) provided below:
• BATTERED MEN: MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good — that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
• WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT
We also want to remind husbands to read the other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives, but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God will show you what advice you can and what you won’t be able to use. As your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit will reveal to you how to adapt different advice to your particular situation.
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(USA) I wonder if there is a definition of financial abuse. Both me and my wife are working and making almost the same amount of money. I am paying all the bills and my wife has full access to my bank account. She deposits all her money on her two separate accounts to which I have no access. She never gives me a positive answer about when I will be added to those two accounts as a co-signer. I have a feeling of being used/abused. Is divorce the only solution? I just hate ending up my life in nursing home because of covering all family expenses while she is saving her money. Please advice. Mark
(UNITED STATES) I have the same problem with financial abuse. If financial abuse is defined as you have defined it, then I am defintely abused. I am having to pay all the bills, all the gas, all the repairs, and everything else while literally all of her money goes to the bank account. I pay for her wants, our needs, and I can’t even afford my own wants and I hardly ever eat because I give her everything.
Not only that, but she ridicules me when I can’t afford to get her everything she wants/ needs. She won’t help me and anytime I ask she calls me a bum, tells me how bad a husband I am, etc. I don’t want to give up on her, but all I ever hear is “I wish I wouldn’t have married you” or “You know if I wouldn’t have married you it wouldn’t be like this.”
But the Bible says that there is no reason for divorce. According to Jesus in Mark, and not only that, she refuses to have sex with me and just kills all of my self-worth and confidence. I don’t know what is right concerning these things anymore. I need help and advice.
(USA) Robert -Sorry to hear you are going through this with you wife. I too am suffering from the same types of abuse. Wives have a tendency to emasculate their husbands through all types of manners. Unfortunately, society has not provide adequate ways to deal with these behaviors. Emasculation is any form of abuse that makes a man feel less than a man. The Bible makes provisions for divorce… finances is NOT one of them.
God delights in marriage between a man and women. He will provide an increase. I suggest that you sight down with your wife and discuss a household budget. The internet is a good source to find templates. Dave Ramsey suggests developing an initial budget, then allowing the budget committee (you and your spouse) to discuss it line for line (tracking it every 30 days to make sure it is workable is also a recommended).
You may want to first develop a bank account specifically for this task. Try agreeing in advance reasonable boundaries for this account (house, cars, fuel, food, untility bills, etc.). This may also allow you a little financial freedom.
As far as the withholding of sex. There is no provisions in the Bible for that unless you both agree during a period of fasting and praying. I have never understood why a women or a husband would ever deliberatly keep something from the other that God has ordained as NECESSARY and RIGHT. If women were smart about it, they would “make love” all the time… through the good and bad times. This would create a desire in their husbands to keep pressing forward instead of developing stumbling blocks, which creates more stess in the marriage.
Thanks for writing you comments and best wishes!
(USA) Well, I am going through the EXACT same thing that you are brother. You are definitely not alone.
I have two marriage counsellors now and I am not allowing things to be kept in silence and in darkness. I am telling people in the church. It may cost me the marriage (she gets really, really angry if I tell anyone anything), but I’m on the absolute edge. I can’t take any more.
Many times I’m afraid to go home. I would rather sleep in my car. I keep praying on my knees and I can’t blame God, not even one bit. I made a big mistake in not going through with pre-marital counselling and made some bad choices. But if I make the right choices now, things will get better.
(US) Mark, You will be the only reply I am capable of making today being in a somewhat similar “relationship”.
I believe it is God’s way simply because we are supposed to put others before ourselves. One of the problems with this is that we tend to overlook ourselves trying to invest in ourselves (being more than one). We want to have a better and more suitable relationship and try to compensate for it by trying to resolve the problems that may never correct themselves.
Instead of looking for a better solution (if one exists) we try to “keep at it” in hopes the effort will pay off. The only other thing to do is to stop trying. At least this way we did not try everything we could in order to see it fail. We simply accept the fact that it will never change and if we can’t stop it that all the effort will not be in vain.
Personally, my wife had twin boys without my consent and I tried to accomplish what I thought to be my duty. Throughout the marriage (especially at the beginning) I made mistakes. I felt when things got worse that I was at fault due to the choices I had made and thought responsibilty completely rest on me.
I made changes, and succeeded to correct these things. Problem was, my wife liked things the way they were because she was in control of my life. Instead of getting a divorce, she chose to have 2 more kids at an age my twins were getting older, and it would allow me more independence without worrying that someone was always at home with them.
After being forced to stay home with the children (resentment towards the forced part), she then forced me from the home when she found alternate childcare and I had wasted away in a home with little to do besides clean or talk to people (which I have trouble with).
I lived homeless, looked for legitimate employment I could still do, and did not have an easy time finding any “real and career oriented work”. I returned to see my kids eventually manipulated and then be put into jail for Criminal Trespassing, refusing to leave my supposed “wife’s home”. No lawyer, and not accepting the charges, I was placed in a State Hospital for “my” supposed problems.
To make a long story short. After my supposed “care”, I was returned out onto the streets where the only option I had was to return to see my children. My wife was happy to allow me back in while she still had control of the situation by using law enforcement, neighbors and friends, and my own disadvantages. So instead of having a good mannered, nice, and productive man, I get to resent the person she makes me out to be.
Adam says: 11 November 2011 at 8:15 am has some great advice. Problem is when the person you are talking to does not listen to reason and has control over the situation to put you both at fault. Best I could say.
If you have a good job and a place to get onto your feet again, break away and do not look back. Just make sure you don’t let her back in.
(AMERICA) I can’t offer advice because I have never been in your situation but I am a Christian and I know where the breaking religion comes from. From the looks of it your wife is dominating your entire life, including your relationship with God. I think that’s kind of like idolism because your wife is dominant instead of God, but not really because you don’t worship her. Also, when the Bible was written there was no such thing thing as a man being in an abusive marriage. So I don’t think that applies to this situation.
Thirdly, letting her rule you like that is telling her it works. When something works the person it works for will keep doing it. For instance, a man had a litter of puppies. Every time he set food out for them he rang a bell. By the time the puppies were adults they would come everytime that bell rang, food or no food because the man taught them that coming when he rang the bell works. The man and the puppies is kind of like you and your wife.
As I said before I can’t tell you how I did it because I never had to but I thought the above would at least help a little. I hope you make it out ok.
(USA) I do not believe God wants anyone to be treated unfairly or stay in a marriage where one spouse refuses to get help or stop abusing. I would not advise any man or woman to stay in a relationship that is abusive to them.
I would try counseling if the abusive partner is willing to change and work on change. What I have seen from my personal experience with abuse and those of close freinds who have also been in abusive relationships, both men and women, is that the abusive partner has little to none wish to change. In each situation, the abused partner’s only end to years of abuse was to exit the relationship.
The abusive partner has much to gain from their actions, as the abused partner spends most of their waking time trying to follow their rules, anticipate their needs and wants, walking on eggshells and being humble to try and avoid the next outburst from the abuser. The abusive partner is like a demanding spoiled tyrant, getting waited on, collecting money from their victim if the victim has money to give, etc.
If your are staying in a relationship where you are being hurt, in any manner, emotionally, psychologically, physcial, etc. – that is not Gods plan for a marriage. Satan is in your marriage, twisting what God means marriage to be. If your partner wants to not follow Christ’s kindness toward you, then you need to leave them.
Do not let Satan twist the meaning of God’s words regarding marriage. God does not want his people to be hurt by evil people. Leave the evil person.
Consider all the time you waste trying to please an evil person? When you instead could spend that energy actually helping people who are good and need help? WOuld it be God or Satan who would want you to spend your years helping the good or indulging the bad?
(USA) Hi Mark, I’m not sure if what you are describing would be abuse, because that seems like a pretty extreme terminology for what is occurring in your marriage. But I do think it displays a very self-serving behavior on your wife’s part and certainly doesn’t show that your wife is looking at the financial side of your marriage as a partnership. I’m sure that this can confuse you and hurt you in different ways, so I can see why you could see it as abusive.
But it sounds more to me, like you and your wife have different definitions and expectations of what should be done with the money that is being earned. If you both determine that this is the way to handle things, then that’s fine — it’s in partnership. But if one or the other of you disagrees, then you have a problem. And I can certainly see why you would have problems with this.
You either need to sit down together and work through this situation by yourselves (one time or as many times as it takes), or you need to involve some type of counselor or pastor help you to find a solution to bridge this chasm between you.
There is some type of reasoning that is going on in your wife’s mind as to why she is withholding what she earns and considers it to be “hers” and yet what you make is considered to be “both of yours.” I could speculate all day as to why this is and maybe never hit on it. Her reasoning’s could be quite innocent or quite calculating or could involve a control issue or background experience before you even met her. I don’t know.
But somehow this needs to be addressed so both of you are satisfied because resentment is building up and the marriage gap is growing bigger between you. This problem will not just go away by saying “someday” papers need to be signed and money needs to be handled differently. Make it your mission to work through this as peaceably as you can.
There is a great organization called “Crown Financial Ministries” which you can find online by going to http://www.crown.org which may be able to advise you on this. They have a lot of articles online and have financial counselors and volunteers (all over the world) that hold terrific classes where couples can attend to get more onto the same page in how they handle their finances.
We’ve known of quite a few couples that have both attended and taught these classes and they say it’s the best thing that could have happened to their finances and their marriages! Crown Ministries also has a call-in radio program that you might be able to call in to ask them what you can do (if your wife remains resistant). You can look at their web site to see what you need to do to get the advice you need.
Also, we highly respect financial counselor Dave Ramsey. He has both a radio call-in program and a television call-in program. You can access his information by going to http://www.daveramsey.com to see what you would need to do to ask the questions you have. He’s very down-to-earth in his advice, so if you need good advice, he would be a good one to ask.
Don’t let this ride. So many people allow grievances like yours to eat away at their relationship until there’s nothing left. NOW is the time to work to resolve this. Make it a mission of your marriage to disassemble the barriers between you.
Don’t come at the problem or your wife like a battering ram, but also, don’t wimp out on making sure it comes to a peaceable solution. The life of your marriage may depend upon it. Be proactive and intentional in finding a way to build bridges between you on this matter. I pray you will.
(USA) Are you kidding?? This is ABSOLUTELY abuse and there should be some sort of institutionalized repercussions for such women. This sort of culture of women neglecting and abusing husbands is pervasive in the USA and I foresee that this will have its consequences. While just researching this I read that Mohammed stated that the majority of people in hell would be women due to their ingratitude. Perhaps there is some insight there.
(USA) Cindy, You can bet if a man was making his wife give him her entire paycheck while he kept his own in a separate account you would be screaming at the top of your lungs ABUSE, ABUSE, ABUSE!
My wife did this to me, as well as control me, belittle me, and finally, accused me of sexual abuse of her daughter. THANK GOD FOR DNA ANALYSIS! Turns out she was having sex at the tender age of 13 with a boy down the street and had to come up with an excuse when the doctor found her hymen broken. Guess who that excuse turned out to be? Like daughter, like mother I suppose. The abuse of men is rampant in this society and women do not want to admit it.
(USA) I was a male abused and eventually divorced. It is true, Male abuse really happens!
(IN) To those Guys whose money is siphoned off like this by their spouses: Leave her alone -not divorcing, but change your job to a distant place or go on frequent single business trips and let her manage the household cores alone such that she learns. If you feel that she may go after someone else on this period – she can’t, but even if she does you now have the right to divorce.
(US) Exactly what I would call abuse, Bruce. But since it’s legal, it all goes, right?
(US) To better state it. When you leave on these supposed buisness trips (errands), do you clean up after yourself before you leave? Do you have child care you are not paying for? Do you allow the person a means of legal transportation to do something besides walk around barefoot?
(USA) It seems in most of these articles you address the abused husbands, but what about the abusive wives? Don’t they need help too? If not more help than the husband? Because if they could truly get help, then the abuse would probably end. I think for most Christian couples at least, women don’t wake up in the morning thinking I’m going to beat up my husband today, or humiliate him, or disrespect him even. Where do these women get help? How do they learn to respect their husbands, who are patiently standing by their sides because they themselves are faithful to their covenant?
(USA) This seems to be a big problem. We are okay to rush to the aid of our abused women, but if and when someone pays attention to men who have been abused, we always have to question why are we looking at this subject. But we DO need to look at it. We need to stop sending a message that it is NOT okay to be hit and hurt by their wives, just as it is NOT ok for men to abuse their wives.
Yes, there is a reason that some of these sites focus on the men: Women have more resources available to report abuse and get help, men don’t have nearly as many resources. I have even heard from friends in other cities, that men’s shelters have had their funding cut or stopped because they catered to men who had stab wounds, cuts, bruises, and the like, and to give men the assurance that it is ok to report anybody who abuses you. I have had to intercede in two incidents myself, one of them being my brother. Men do not have to stand and just “take it” anymore.
(USA) Danny, we thoroughly agree. Abuse inflicted by either the husband or the wife is still absolutely wrong. It’s just not right that this isn’t recognized. We wish we had more articles that address this, but it’s difficult to find them. We’ll keep looking though, because it’s a very real problem and needs to be addressed. Whether it is the husband that slaps, hits, slugs, stabs, or assaults his wife or the wife that commits this type of abuse against her husband, it’s wrong and needs to be stopped.
(USA) The rule is when you are attacked you are allowed to defend yourself with reasonable force. In the case of a woman attacking a man, physically restrain her. CALL THE POLICE and report it.
You may just save her life down the road, because people who start abuse usually get worse. The police intervention may be just what she needs to wake up. You don’t stay in a relationship where there is frequent abuse.
There are fathers and mens rights groups that will defend your viewpoint.
(UNITED STATES) DO NOT physically restrain her!!! I cannot emphasize this enough! I was being punched, pelted by rocks, screamed at because my ex-wife, was humiliated at the store because she lost her car keys. She cursed me out in the parking lot and then she walked a mile to her parents house to get a spare key. While she was doing that I walked into the store and found the keys by the bagging area at the register we used. She got back and on our way to our home she continued the cursing and yelling. My approach to be passive and not fuel the problem only made it worse to the point she slammed on the breaks and started hitting, got out and picked up handfuls of rocks, all while still screaming and cursing.
Since we were at the side of the road, I did get out and try to talk to her to calm her down and get “US” off the road. She started swinging at me and I restrained her in what you would call a bear hug, asking her to calm down and go home off the road. She calmed down pretty quick and just said let go of me. I did and she walked to the driver’s door with a look that could kill, and I walked to the passenger side door. As I started to get in a police car sounded a short siren. Anyway, from what he could tell down the road I was “manually strangulating” her, and that was all that was put on the report!
As for calling the police, I don’t know if I could do that again! A few weeks after the incident I had gotten an apartment and lived day by day. Wasn’t long and she wanted to move in and against my aunt’s advice and because she was my wife I let her move in because I hoped it would work. Not long after she moved back in I woke to her cursing and yelling that I was the scum of the earth for making her too late! Ok, this time I knew to not say or do anything. She was in the shower and I used the bathroom. When she was getting out of the bathroom I was in the way of the towel cabinet and that was my contribution to her being late. So she grabbed up her stuff and passing by me I got more cursing and yelling and the “Thanks for making me even more late a**h***” and I got sprayed with pepper spray, fun!
I tried to wash my face off and when I could finally see I walked across the street to the pay phone and called the police because and asked for them to witness me move out so I wouldn’t get charged with abandonment. That is what I told to the 9-1-1 operator. The police came and did their thing and wanted a report and the whole 9 yards, asked for her cell number and everything and said she was on her way back. When she got back they took her report in the parking lot and then came to advise me that WE both were being arrested for domestic violence. Wasn’t until 8 years later I actually got to see what was on that report, and somethings are better to remain ignorant to! Short version is that while I was blinded and my face was on fire. I went through something and hit her in the head, and that the situation wasn’t because she was late for traffic class, which was known before hand, and well iterated in her cursing and yelling, but instead it became that I thought she was off to cheat.
I wonder about police intelligence in taking statements! So DO NOT physically restrain, and calling the police is 50/50 of them still being biased to the female.
No matter what your approach is to calming or defusing a situation or how good your intention was to calming or defusing a situation it will bite back. Something I learned in battery domestic violence classes is to own the situation. They don’t care what happened; they want to hear you owning responsibility. And what I learned in those classes is that being passive and not responding is abusive! The best option is to leave and hope you can talk it over later. The worst that can happen is you remain separated. But just remember not calling to work it out after a short period of time can be grounds for abandonment so don’t just leave and never want to avoid the possible heated confrontation of working it out.
Men are the aggressor in most Battery/Domestic Violence calls, so even when it is turned and the man is seeking help it can be biased but you’re removed from the situation. As for court, I don’t know what to say. I pleaded guilty so I could leave to go back East, not knowing 8 years later my new family would suffer from my inability to get a decent job in my field. But if you’re in a relationship that is abusive “Man or Woman” let it go. There is someone out there that will treat you better! For me, I have a loving wife and 2 happy children now. Its been 8 years and I still get abused due to the lingering circumstances. But I’ve had a new and relatively happy marriage for 5 years. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. When we disagree we talk/yell/argue and then make fun of the talking and yelling and work it out and laugh at how silly the argument was!
(USA) If you restrain a woman when she is attacking you, you could be charged with kidnapping her, a felony charge. Happened to someone I know. It took him years to have the felony removed from his record and was difficult for him to find work when employers would find out about it in pre-employment screening.
(USA) Yes! This is what I am searching for. Help. I need help to transform the inexcusable episodes of rage I unleash upon my husband. Help to heal the shame I feel about it. Respect myself and respect him. I know I come from a childhood of violence and project a lot of the unforgiveness against my father now onto my husband. But understanding this intellectually does not heal it. So I pray and ask for forgiveness every time I have an episode.
(USA) Wow! This isn’t a complaint that we’ve received before. We usually get complaints from the opposite side because we just can’t find enough articles to be able to post them. It’s true that you will see more articles and links provided for the wife to get help when she is in an abusive situation — and the main reason is because that’s what’s available. There’s very little out there to help the husband when he is the abuser.
But I believe that’s because it’s such a complicated problem and the husband will usually need much, much more help than to read an article or two. He’s somehow justified in his mind, and given himself permission, to abuse his wife. That’s a pretty sick reasoning process he has going on there. It goes beyond telling someone to stop, and then expecting that he will say, “Of course, what was I thinking? Of course I’ll stop now that someone told me it is wrong. I never thought of it that way before.” Most abusers have a tangled web of thinking (or just plain reacting, without thinking) going on in their minds to get to a place of being abusive. It’s a really sick mind-set. They need a lot of intense help to de-tangle their thinking and actions.
They’re finding that even most counseling situations don’t stop the abuse. Most counselors aren’t equipped to know how to work with someone to get them to stop this kind of behavior. It usually takes a very specialized counseling program and a husband who is absolutely determined to stop.
We’ve provided a few links to some ministries and agencies that could possibly help, but beyond that and beyond providing a few articles on anger management and abuse, we’re stumped! We’d LOVE to have more resources to address abusers (hoping they would take advantage of them) but we haven’t found anything beyond what we’ve posted. But we promise that we will keep looking.
If anyone knows of something out there that is effective, we’d be thrilled to know about it — especially if it can minister to those outside of the U.S. as well, because we get so many letters from those abroad.
You’re right Anonymous, help is needed. We pray that God will show us how we can help to stop this viciousness from happening; we’re very open to suggestions.
(AUSTRALIA) I have been married for over 20 years and have several teenage children. A few years into our Christian marriage I realised something was wrong. As my wife wanted to go to counsellors to complain but not really resolve any issues nor work through conflict resolution. As time progressed my wife became more abusive until I said I would go to a Christian psychologist.
In one of the sessions with my wife (on her own) the psychologist questioned if there was previous diagnosis of a disorder in her years as an adolescent. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder OCD was diagnosed in her early teens but my wife had not told me of it, even when it was raised by the psychologist. Abuse in marriage is often linked to deeper issues and unless these are addressed then the cause of the abuse will not be treated.
Recently I became very ill and nearly passed away. When I recovered and was healed by the Lord I realised I had to change my lifestyle and believe it is my marriage that is having a detrimental effect on my health. I was recently journaling interactions with my wife for several months and one day decided to go through the journal (electronic) an try to summarise the issues. I was concerned that it was not just OCD as there was anger, blame, false accusations, rage, throwing things towards me, paranoia, insecurity and continually emotional detachment by my wife.
I am always willing to work through issues in a quiet and calm manner but we were never about to, my wife would always have a melt down and calm me names like coward etc. At no time was I ever physically or verbally abusive of my wife. A few weeks ago I went to a psychologist who has seen my wife several times and went through all the abuse in my journal. The Psychologist had indicated to me before that my wife had some core instabilities and advised me that she believes my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder and recommended a few books on the subject. I was also told to call the behaviour as it is an say stop the blame, or you have an anger issue you need to resolve and leave the room.
As I read about BPD I am very confident that this is now what I am dealing with as I feel like I don’t want to be in this marriage and my wife is very concerned I will leave. After years of therapy for my wife I am still not allowed to attend, my wife is continually concerned that I will not stay, in fact she has told me if I ask again she will leave me.
I know that due to her insecurity that she will not do this but as trust is a key foundation in every marriage, I am left to see another psychologist on my own occasionally to know how to handle the disorder. The most powerful thing for me to handle the issues was to journal the interactions honestly with both my wife and my behaviour. I know I am not perfect but now know my wife really needs help, but I don’t believe that unless she is being honest with her psychologist and GP that things will change. The other issue is that unless we both go together to a psychologist then the marriage will not be helped.
As I look back I realise I was too accommodating of behaviour that needed professional therapy. The conflict or outbursts are no longer tolerated and don’t continue for more than a few minutes, sometimes hours of hounding the kids even when I step in. The marriage relationship is very strained as I am not able to be intimate with my wife on issues with compromise on both sides.
Recently I was talking with a Christian relative who came and stayed at our house for a while. They were ostracised by my wife and could not wait to get out. They found that staying at our home was incredibly hard and stressful.
Yes, an abusive marriage is very stressful. I have some key friends I now talk to about the stress in the relationship. A spouse needs to be seeking help and not allow abuse to continue. I now know that normal counselling techniques don’t work when one partner has a disorder. I pray that my wife soon gets the treatment she needs.
(AUSTRALIA) G’day from DownUnder! You are not the only one mate! Your situation is similar to mine. Stu, like what your wife did, my ex-wife refused to get professional help.
To cut the long story short, I have been verbally, emotionally, financially, socially, psychologically abused by my ex-wife. On several occasions, she called me demon possessed, which really hurts me. On other occasions, she called me nasty names. She would not agree with things I do except when it suits her or when it complies with her way etc. Many times she puts me down in front of my children and has been backstabbing me with my children.
At least a few times, she attempted suicide. The last one, I asked her why did she do it. With the deteriorating relationship with my own family. I have a son and a daughter. Both of them left home as they could not cope with my ex-wife due to her attitude and her “control freaking”. I have reasoned with her but she hammered me down with Scriptures, which was obviously taken out of context or “not rightly dividing the truth”. I was forced to step out of the relationship with my ex-wife. A few months later, I had the gut to write a letter to let her know what has been happening in the past was not in accordance with the Scriptures. I strongly advised her to seek professional help if she would like to have me back.
Unfortunately, she annouced to me that she would divorce me a few months later. In the end, my own family was left with almost nothing and she got her lion’s share of the estate. I have written to her brother, a Christian, outlining what were the problems with her but have not heard from him. I was left confused about Christianity and how they deal with that sort of thing like that.
I’m so sorry Andrew, that you experienced this with your wife. It sounds abusive and certainly can cause a lot of confusion. But whatever you do, please don’t judge Christ, or those who follow Christ in Truth (as a whole) by those who abuse who He is and what Christianity is truly about. As you have pointed out, your wife has been an abuser. Abusive behavior is wrong on so many levels, and it isn’t the way that we are supposed to treat each other. That includes spiritually misusing and abusing the name and cause of Christ, as well.
I wish you well Andrew. I hope that eventually you are able to land on your feet on this, and can sort out that which is abusive, from that which is good, that you can embrace. May you keep seeking peace –that which Christ TRULY can give, and find it –finding Him, in the process. May your family come to a place of blessing and hope for a better future –one that will bring a smile to your heart.
(ONTARIO CANADA) Well it’s funny that every thing is for the ladies. I just had the police come today to take my wife from the house we have. It was so hard to do. Then as they were walking away we saw them smiling and joking. I was tired of getting hit and have things thrown at me. If I would have hit her, I would have hurt my wife. Now that she is gone I feel real bad. All I want is for her to get help with her anger.
My son and I have gone to talk to someone. But she feels she has no problem? She did when she was put in the hospital and put all the blame on me. Then she signed her name and left and we didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. This is what I’m afraid of again. But this time if my wife leaves us I won’t let her come back until she gets help. And if she doesn’t I just want her to be happy some were else. I know in my heart it will get thrown out of court but if it was me, I would go to jail. it is a woman’s world with different laws for them. Signed, Lost and Confused Dad.
(USA) Hi Mike, I wanted to post a couple of links for online support groups of male victims of physical abuse, as it is such a little-addressed issue but I do believe it is starting to get more and more publicity. Hopefully they will offer you some support and encouragement. I think it is sad, however typical, that the police responded the way they did. But know that you did the right thing. In fact, I’m glad for you that they even took your call seriously. I think there is so little info about abused husbands that I wonder if the police take those calls seriously at all. If you had even restrained your wife from hitting you and had put bruises on her arms in doing so, assuredly you would have been arrested not her.
My husband was physically abusive to me until our church did an intervention and even now he has problems with true accountability and owning up to his actions. If it comes up between the 2 of us, he’ll say about how I was just as abusive and how I scratched him. In my heart, I know the only time I scratched him was in self-defense. But in his eyes, I’m as abusive as he was. That is the twisted/defensive mindset of someone who has abuse problems. It’s truly sad.
All you can do is pray for your wife and I want to send confirmation to you as a second or third witness in Christ (2 Corinthians 13:1) that you have done the right thing and you have also made the correct stance in insisting your wife get treatment for her problem before she can return. That is where I went wrong and have still been the victim of continued verbal abuse (even to the point of a death threat) after the physical abuse has stopped. So, I still don’t feel truly safe in my home (other than that I know Christ will protect me, not my husband) and that’s not a good feeling to feel like your home is a prison, not a home or haven, and I still have some decisions to make about my own relationship.
But I’m at least one person that will/can confirm to you that your wife does need help and you are correct in making her get it. You should also check out Focus Ministries (the Christian site for DV) because they have tips on the kind of help physical abusers need and one of the interesting things they say is it can’t be anger management. They say anger is a separate issue. The counseling has to be addressed specifically at the abuse (not anger/addiction, etc. or other separate issues) for it to have a chance to be successful. A lot of people think it’s just anger that is the problem.
At any rate – here are the links, below, for the support groups. If you are open to suggestions for a good abuse treatment program that is probably based in sensitivity and respect and not condemnation, you might want to look at the web site for the Stepping Stones Program (5 day program) at Life Skills International. It looks like a good, solid program for abusers and it was started by a Christian man who is a reformed abuser himself and his story is quite remarkable!
http://www.batteredhusbandssupport.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/abusedguys/
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/whatwedo.htm
God bless.
(USA) Comment #4 totally missed the point. As an abused husband, I’d like to be able to give my wife something to read, so she can learn why what she is doing is not right. Comment #5 says everything is for the ladies … yes, you’ll find stuff for wives that are being abused, but nothing for those that are abusers.
My wife doesn’t even realize that she has a problem. I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s not right, but she has a warped view that she’s allowed to hit me since it doesn’t hurt me very much — physically at least, although it certainly is hurting me emotionally. Although I’m a 6’2” man of 215 lbs from my 15yrs of on-going military service, she often says, "be a man" or "take it like a man," when I request that she stop hitting me, kicking, scratching or even biting.
It’s like living with a child at times. Today when we were looking over some travel plans online, she socked me in the jaw and when I said, "what was that for?" her reply was, “I didn’t hit you that hard.” I told her that sort of behavior isn’t allowed and ended our lunch at her office early.
I should have realized when a couple of similar incidents occurred (verbal fights that she escalated to a few punches and throwing things at me) while we were dating (2 yrs dating, 1.2 yrs engaged), but each time she apologized and promised to never let it happen again. Since we’ve been married (1.5 years) it happens more frequently now and she’s escalated her insanity to incorporate pushing other buttons including throwing/removing her wedding ring and threatening to break belongings.
Her last really bad bout, I decided it was time to maybe bring in a family member – her twin sister: I phoned her sister #1 so in case she ever hurts herself during one of her fits and #2 to maybe try put a mirror up to her face or at least have her sister help her. I have to admit, it really upset her, but since then she realizes that I’m not going to keep her abuse in the closet any more.
Because of my employer, we can get free counseling for issues like this, so I set up a meeting marriage counselor about two months ago. I told her the evening that I made the appointment about it and said that it was for both of us, to help improve our marriage, her reply was simple — "I won’t go!"
During the week leading up to the day before it, she requested I cancel the appointment that I’d be attending on my own. And I did, just within the allowed timing on the promise that she’d treat me better. They sent me some material and I’ve read it, but she won’t. She said she’d read an outline, if I made one, so I’ll try that but it’s pretty lame that she read novels weekly, but won’t take 10 minutes to look over pamphlets.
It’s actually been a much healthier relationship since then, but today’s regression/aggression made me think of before and worry that my attacker my return. What can I do to make my wife see the light and error of her ways? My worst fear is her desire for babies. I fear that if she hits me, that she may hit our kids some day. Just as FYI – I’ll say, that I know she didn’t “learn” this behavior from her parents (I thought it might be childhood related, and although her mother verbally abuses her father, siblings, her and even me, none of her family members are hitters.) What can I do??
-Update: While I was writing this, I got an email from her to me at work. “Sorry about that, I just get frustrated sometimes, but I need to control my impulses. Can I make it up to you and take you to see a movie tonight?” My response will be a thank you and, “I don’t like it when you hit me.” She knows not to put it in an email what she’s apologizing about since she said if I ever tried to tell on her that she’d deny it and I wouldn’t have proof (I don’t bruise easily), and say I was the one hitting her.
I love her and want to help her, but don’t know how; please help.
(USA) Hi Jason, You make some great points. I totally agree with you. Many women totally miss the boat as far as recognizing the hurt they cause when they act in ways like you describe. I did for years myself. But thank God, I see it now.
There IS a double standard that goes both ways on different areas of behavior. If a man did one of the things you describe (that your wife did to you) to his wife, she would scream “abuse” and yet a wife will rationalize it in various ways (with the excuses you said she used, and others as well).
Your point about the emotional hurt is excellent. Even if someone isn’t hurt physically, it can still be emotionally damaging. The same goes for a man doing this to a woman. Words can be as damaging, if not more so than physical damage at times.
I don’t know if an article that you can hand to your wife would help her to realize the damage she is causing to your relationship or not. But I can tell you Jason, that I have put a note on our computer and as soon as I can, I will write one. I DO feel that tug by the Holy Spirit. But it may take a while… we have SO MUCH on our “plate” right now with Marriage Missions that all I can do is tell you that I will do the best I can, as soon as I can.
In the meantime, you may consider praying about this and asking the Lord to show YOU how to, and what to write to your wife. Take your time. Pray, and write, and then hold onto it to make sure you look it over again before giving it or mailing it to her. Sometimes our written words can get through when our impassioned words during the heat of the moment won’t. It’s sure worth a try.
Also, if you would like to write an article on this that we can put up on the web site to address other wives from a husband’s point of view, we would sure love for you to do that. It might also be a good outlet for you to get some things out in the open for your own peace of mind and it just might get through to other wives so they change their behavior. You never know. You can write us a note in the “Contact Us” section, telling us that you have an article you’d like to submit for us to look at, and we will write you back and give you the ministry e-mail address (I can’t give it to you on the web site because of spy-bots floating through the Internet that will grab onto it and mess with things on our end.)
Also, go on a look around the Marriage Missions web site to find other articles that could help you (and your wife). We have several on managing anger and abuse that you both could find helpful (if your wife would read them).
As for the counseling, I’d still advise you to go. Try making another appointment. And ask your wife again to go with you. If she won’t, then keep the appointment yourself anyway. If you have to go alone, then use the time to talk to the counselor to see if he or she can help YOU figure out what to do when things start to escalate with your wife. If SHE won’t go to get help, then at least you can go to try to help yourself find ways to escape the abuse.
I hope this helps Jason. You truly have our sympathies. I’ve talked to many women about this. I try to bring it up when I speak at women’s groups. You’ll see many embarrassed faces and others that still won’t “get it” but others come up to me and thank me, saying that they had never thought of it that way before and change their behavior.
It sounds like you have a sensitive wife in many ways from what you’ve written. I sense that from what I can read between the lines. And I believe she has a desire to change, but something’s still stopping her. I pray she will eventually find ways to get victory over this.
And I pray that you can do what it takes to help her. You sound like a real “stand-up guy.” Keep persevering. Also, thanks for your years of service in the military. We appreciate you! There are more of us out there that appreciate your years of service than you may realize. God Bless!!!
(ZIMBABWE) I have read the other articles with interest. I have to admit to physically beating up my husband when he comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning. Looking back i can see I learned the behaviour from my parents who used to fight violently all the time. However, I have prayed to the Lord that I will not resort to violence as a way of controlling my husband or punishing him. I have to say I have improved with the help of God’s spirit. So I encourage abusers and the abused alike to pray, though the answer tarries, it will come.
(AFRICA) Married? Check. Abused? Check. Unhappy? Double check. Yep, that’s me… Married 2 years and I still ask myself what stupidity made me do it. My greatest abuse is verbal and emotional. The woman seemingly takes pleasure in saying + doing hurtful things to me.
Do I help around the home? Sure, I cook and clean, stay with the baby, buy her lots of stuff, I provide for all her needs yet she still sees me as an enemy.
I once witnessed her parents quarrel and realised she was just like her mum! She told me once how her mother used to beat up her father when they fought. Wish I had known this earlier before "I do". Anyway, I had assumed that a born again Christian wouldn’t do the stuff she’s been doing and I still can’t grasp how she can pray after doing some of these things.
Of course, we haven’t had sex in a year… as punishment and because she said she doesn’t like sex. Now I’m too proud to ask –not that it would do any good. I was a virgin till we married though she wasn’t. Now it looks like I got myself conned. It’s a Win-Lose. She marries a good guy, gets herself a baby + security and I cant say I have gained nada from the relationship, save headaches and I’m losing my faith(!).
We’ve been having counselling since the first week of marriage –to no avail. WHY would God let me marry her even after I committed everything into his hands to guide? Beats me. I still await His help and answer.
No, my wife doesn’t beat me, though hitting me seemed to be fair game till I once lost it with her (yeah I’m ashamed, I hit her back, yet something in me felt vindicated).
It would be appreciated if there are more articles to help husbands in emotional abuse like me. I’m losing my mind, I haven’t been able to pray in like 6 months and I slowly and surely see myself having an affair very soon if some drastic help doesn’t come my way.
Thanks for letting me share.