When we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse as well. Not as many as women, true, but it still happens.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘Taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help — especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers are less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is still wrong no matter who is the one who is victimizing the other.
Maxine Marz wrote an article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” (Metronews.ca, August 31, 2004), and she had the following to say on this subject:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.
The first article provided below is a testimony given by a husband who is a victim of domestic abuse which can be found on the web site for Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read:
• VICTIM
This next article is one where battered men (of various walks in life —both those who are followers of Christ and those who are not) share their life experiences. To read what they have written, please click onto the link provided below:
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good — that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?
• WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT
We also want to remind husbands to read the other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives, but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God will show you what advice you can and what you won’t be able to use. As your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit will reveal to you how to adapt different advice to your particular situation.
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(USA) I wonder if there is a definition of financial abuse. Both me and my wife are working and making almost the same amount of money. I am paying all the bills and my wife has full access to my bank account. She deposits all her money on her two separate accounts to which I have no access. She never gives me a positive answer about when I will be added to those two accounts as a co-signer. I have a feeling of being used/abused. Is divorce the only solution? I just hate ending up my life in nursing home because of covering all family expenses while she is saving her money. Please advice. Mark
(UNITED STATES) I have the same problem with financial abuse. If financial abuse is defined as you have defined it, then I am defintely abused. I am having to pay all the bills, all the gas, all the repairs, and everything else while literally all of her money goes to the bank account. I pay for her wants, our needs, and I can’t even afford my own wants and I hardly ever eat because I give her everything.
Not only that, but she ridicules me when I can’t afford to get her everything she wants/ needs. She won’t help me and anytime I ask she calls me a bum, tells me how bad a husband I am, etc. I don’t want to give up on her, but all I ever hear is “I wish I wouldn’t have married you” or “You know if I wouldn’t have married you it wouldn’t be like this.”
But the Bible says that there is no reason for divorce. According to Jesus in Mark, and not only that, she refuses to have sex with me and just kills all of my self-worth and confidence. I don’t know what is right concerning these things anymore. I need help and advice.
(USA) Hi Mark, I’m not sure if what you are describing would be abuse, because that seems like a pretty extreme terminology for what is occurring in your marriage. But I do think it displays a very self-serving behavior on your wife’s part and certainly doesn’t show that your wife is looking at the financial side of your marriage as a partnership. I’m sure that this can confuse you and hurt you in different ways, so I can see why you could see it as abusive.
But it sounds more to me, like you and your wife have different definitions and expectations of what should be done with the money that is being earned. If you both determine that this is the way to handle things, then that’s fine — it’s in partnership. But if one or the other of you disagrees, then you have a problem. And I can certainly see why you would have problems with this.
You either need to sit down together and work through this situation by yourselves (one time or as many times as it takes), or you need to involve some type of counselor or pastor help you to find a solution to bridge this chasm between you.
There is some type of reasoning that is going on in your wife’s mind as to why she is withholding what she earns and considers it to be “hers” and yet what you make is considered to be “both of yours.” I could speculate all day as to why this is and maybe never hit on it. Her reasoning’s could be quite innocent or quite calculating or could involve a control issue or background experience before you even met her. I don’t know.
But somehow this needs to be addressed so both of you are satisfied because resentment is building up and the marriage gap is growing bigger between you. This problem will not just go away by saying “someday” papers need to be signed and money needs to be handled differently. Make it your mission to work through this as peaceably as you can.
There is a great organization called “Crown Financial Ministries” which you can find online by going to http://www.crown.org which may be able to advise you on this. They have a lot of articles online and have financial counselors and volunteers (all over the world) that hold terrific classes where couples can attend to get more onto the same page in how they handle their finances.
We’ve known of quite a few couples that have both attended and taught these classes and they say it’s the best thing that could have happened to their finances and their marriages! Crown Ministries also has a call-in radio program that you might be able to call in to ask them what you can do (if your wife remains resistant). You can look at their web site to see what you need to do to get the advice you need.
Also, we highly respect financial counselor Dave Ramsey. He has both a radio call-in program and a television call-in program. You can access his information by going to http://www.daveramsey.com to see what you would need to do to ask the questions you have. He’s very down-to-earth in his advice, so if you need good advice, he would be a good one to ask.
Don’t let this ride. So many people allow grievances like yours to eat away at their relationship until there’s nothing left. NOW is the time to work to resolve this. Make it a mission of your marriage to disassemble the barriers between you.
Don’t come at the problem or your wife like a battering ram, but also, don’t wimp out on making sure it comes to a peaceable solution. The life of your marriage may depend upon it. Be proactive and intentional in finding a way to build bridges between you on this matter. I pray you will.
(USA) It seems in most of these articles you address the abused husbands, but what about the abusive wives? Don’t they need help too? If not more help than the husband? Because if they could truly get help, then the abuse would probably end. I think for most Christian couples at least, women don’t wake up in the morning thinking I’m going to beat up my husband today, or humiliate him, or disrespect him even. Where do these women get help? How do they learn to respect their husbands, who are patiently standing by their sides because they themselves are faithful to their covenant?
(USA) Wow! This isn’t a complaint that we’ve received before. We usually get complaints from the opposite side because we just can’t find enough articles to be able to post them. It’s true that you will see more articles and links provided for the wife to get help when she is in an abusive situation — and the main reason is because that’s what’s available. There’s very little out there to help the husband when he is the abuser.
But I believe that’s because it’s such a complicated problem and the husband will usually need much, much more help than to read an article or two. He’s somehow justified in his mind, and given himself permission, to abuse his wife. That’s a pretty sick reasoning process he has going on there. It goes beyond telling someone to stop, and then expecting that he will say, “Of course, what was I thinking? Of course I’ll stop now that someone told me it is wrong. I never thought of it that way before.” Most abusers have a tangled web of thinking (or just plain reacting, without thinking) going on in their minds to get to a place of being abusive. It’s a really sick mind-set. They need a lot of intense help to de-tangle their thinking and actions.
They’re finding that even most counseling situations don’t stop the abuse. Most counselors aren’t equipped to know how to work with someone to get them to stop this kind of behavior. It usually takes a very specialized counseling program and a husband who is absolutely determined to stop.
We’ve provided a few links to some ministries and agencies that could possibly help, but beyond that and beyond providing a few articles on anger management and abuse, we’re stumped! We’d LOVE to have more resources to address abusers (hoping they would take advantage of them) but we haven’t found anything beyond what we’ve posted. But we promise that we will keep looking.
If anyone knows of something out there that is effective, we’d be thrilled to know about it — especially if it can minister to those outside of the U.S. as well, because we get so many letters from those abroad.
You’re right Anonymous, help is needed. We pray that God will show us how we can help to stop this viciousness from happening; we’re very open to suggestions.
(ONTARIO CANADA) Well it’s funny that every thing is for the ladies. I just had the police come today to take my wife from the house we have. It was so hard to do. Then as they were walking away we saw them smiling and joking. I was tired of getting hit and have things thrown at me. If I would have hit her, I would have hurt my wife. Now that she is gone I feel real bad. All I want is for her to get help with her anger.
My son and I have gone to talk to someone. But she feels she has no problem? She did when she was put in the hospital and put all the blame on me. Then she signed her name and left and we didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. This is what I’m afraid of again. But this time if my wife leaves us I won’t let her come back until she gets help. And if she doesn’t I just want her to be happy some were else. I know in my heart it will get thrown out of court but if it was me, I would go to jail. it is a woman’s world with different laws for them. Signed, Lost and Confused Dad.
(USA) Hi Mike, I wanted to post a couple of links for online support groups of male victims of physical abuse, as it is such a little-addressed issue but I do believe it is starting to get more and more publicity. Hopefully they will offer you some support and encouragement. I think it is sad, however typical, that the police responded the way they did. But know that you did the right thing. In fact, I’m glad for you that they even took your call seriously. I think there is so little info about abused husbands that I wonder if the police take those calls seriously at all. If you had even restrained your wife from hitting you and had put bruises on her arms in doing so, assuredly you would have been arrested not her.
My husband was physically abusive to me until our church did an intervention and even now he has problems with true accountability and owning up to his actions. If it comes up between the 2 of us, he’ll say about how I was just as abusive and how I scratched him. In my heart, I know the only time I scratched him was in self-defense. But in his eyes, I’m as abusive as he was. That is the twisted/defensive mindset of someone who has abuse problems. It’s truly sad.
All you can do is pray for your wife and I want to send confirmation to you as a second or third witness in Christ (2 Corinthians 13:1) that you have done the right thing and you have also made the correct stance in insisting your wife get treatment for her problem before she can return. That is where I went wrong and have still been the victim of continued verbal abuse (even to the point of a death threat) after the physical abuse has stopped. So, I still don’t feel truly safe in my home (other than that I know Christ will protect me, not my husband) and that’s not a good feeling to feel like your home is a prison, not a home or haven, and I still have some decisions to make about my own relationship.
But I’m at least one person that will/can confirm to you that your wife does need help and you are correct in making her get it. You should also check out Focus Ministries (the Christian site for DV) because they have tips on the kind of help physical abusers need and one of the interesting things they say is it can’t be anger management. They say anger is a separate issue. The counseling has to be addressed specifically at the abuse (not anger/addiction, etc. or other separate issues) for it to have a chance to be successful. A lot of people think it’s just anger that is the problem.
At any rate – here are the links, below, for the support groups. If you are open to suggestions for a good abuse treatment program that is probably based in sensitivity and respect and not condemnation, you might want to look at the web site for the Stepping Stones Program (5 day program) at Life Skills International. It looks like a good, solid program for abusers and it was started by a Christian man who is a reformed abuser himself and his story is quite remarkable!
http://www.batteredhusbandssupport.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/abusedguys/
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/whatwedo.htm
God bless.
(USA) Comment #4 totally missed the point. As an abused husband, I’d like to be able to give my wife something to read, so she can learn why what she is doing is not right. Comment #5 says everything is for the ladies … yes, you’ll find stuff for wives that are being abused, but nothing for those that are abusers.
My wife doesn’t even realize that she has a problem. I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s not right, but she has a warped view that she’s allowed to hit me since it doesn’t hurt me very much — physically at least, although it certainly is hurting me emotionally. Although I’m a 6’2” man of 215 lbs from my 15yrs of on-going military service, she often says, "be a man" or "take it like a man," when I request that she stop hitting me, kicking, scratching or even biting.
It’s like living with a child at times. Today when we were looking over some travel plans online, she socked me in the jaw and when I said, "what was that for?" her reply was, “I didn’t hit you that hard.” I told her that sort of behavior isn’t allowed and ended our lunch at her office early.
I should have realized when a couple of similar incidents occurred (verbal fights that she escalated to a few punches and throwing things at me) while we were dating (2 yrs dating, 1.2 yrs engaged), but each time she apologized and promised to never let it happen again. Since we’ve been married (1.5 years) it happens more frequently now and she’s escalated her insanity to incorporate pushing other buttons including throwing/removing her wedding ring and threatening to break belongings.
Her last really bad bout, I decided it was time to maybe bring in a family member – her twin sister: I phoned her sister #1 so in case she ever hurts herself during one of her fits and #2 to maybe try put a mirror up to her face or at least have her sister help her. I have to admit, it really upset her, but since then she realizes that I’m not going to keep her abuse in the closet any more.
Because of my employer, we can get free counseling for issues like this, so I set up a meeting marriage counselor about two months ago. I told her the evening that I made the appointment about it and said that it was for both of us, to help improve our marriage, her reply was simple — "I won’t go!"
During the week leading up to the day before it, she requested I cancel the appointment that I’d be attending on my own. And I did, just within the allowed timing on the promise that she’d treat me better. They sent me some material and I’ve read it, but she won’t. She said she’d read an outline, if I made one, so I’ll try that but it’s pretty lame that she read novels weekly, but won’t take 10 minutes to look over pamphlets.
It’s actually been a much healthier relationship since then, but today’s regression/aggression made me think of before and worry that my attacker my return. What can I do to make my wife see the light and error of her ways? My worst fear is her desire for babies. I fear that if she hits me, that she may hit our kids some day. Just as FYI – I’ll say, that I know she didn’t “learn” this behavior from her parents (I thought it might be childhood related, and although her mother verbally abuses her father, siblings, her and even me, none of her family members are hitters.) What can I do??
-Update: While I was writing this, I got an email from her to me at work. “Sorry about that, I just get frustrated sometimes, but I need to control my impulses. Can I make it up to you and take you to see a movie tonight?” My response will be a thank you and, “I don’t like it when you hit me.” She knows not to put it in an email what she’s apologizing about since she said if I ever tried to tell on her that she’d deny it and I wouldn’t have proof (I don’t bruise easily), and say I was the one hitting her.
I love her and want to help her, but don’t know how; please help.
(USA) Hi Jason, You make some great points. I totally agree with you. Many women totally miss the boat as far as recognizing the hurt they cause when they act in ways like you describe. I did for years myself. But thank God, I see it now.
There IS a double standard that goes both ways on different areas of behavior. If a man did one of the things you describe (that your wife did to you) to his wife, she would scream “abuse” and yet a wife will rationalize it in various ways (with the excuses you said she used, and others as well).
Your point about the emotional hurt is excellent. Even if someone isn’t hurt physically, it can still be emotionally damaging. The same goes for a man doing this to a woman. Words can be as damaging, if not more so than physical damage at times.
I don’t know if an article that you can hand to your wife would help her to realize the damage she is causing to your relationship or not. But I can tell you Jason, that I have put a note on our computer and as soon as I can, I will write one. I DO feel that tug by the Holy Spirit. But it may take a while… we have SO MUCH on our “plate” right now with Marriage Missions that all I can do is tell you that I will do the best I can, as soon as I can.
In the meantime, you may consider praying about this and asking the Lord to show YOU how to, and what to write to your wife. Take your time. Pray, and write, and then hold onto it to make sure you look it over again before giving it or mailing it to her. Sometimes our written words can get through when our impassioned words during the heat of the moment won’t. It’s sure worth a try.
Also, if you would like to write an article on this that we can put up on the web site to address other wives from a husband’s point of view, we would sure love for you to do that. It might also be a good outlet for you to get some things out in the open for your own peace of mind and it just might get through to other wives so they change their behavior. You never know. You can write us a note in the “Contact Us” section, telling us that you have an article you’d like to submit for us to look at, and we will write you back and give you the ministry e-mail address (I can’t give it to you on the web site because of spy-bots floating through the Internet that will grab onto it and mess with things on our end.)
Also, go on a look around the Marriage Missions web site to find other articles that could help you (and your wife). We have several on managing anger and abuse that you both could find helpful (if your wife would read them).
As for the counseling, I’d still advise you to go. Try making another appointment. And ask your wife again to go with you. If she won’t, then keep the appointment yourself anyway. If you have to go alone, then use the time to talk to the counselor to see if he or she can help YOU figure out what to do when things start to escalate with your wife. If SHE won’t go to get help, then at least you can go to try to help yourself find ways to escape the abuse.
I hope this helps Jason. You truly have our sympathies. I’ve talked to many women about this. I try to bring it up when I speak at women’s groups. You’ll see many embarrassed faces and others that still won’t “get it” but others come up to me and thank me, saying that they had never thought of it that way before and change their behavior.
It sounds like you have a sensitive wife in many ways from what you’ve written. I sense that from what I can read between the lines. And I believe she has a desire to change, but something’s still stopping her. I pray she will eventually find ways to get victory over this.
And I pray that you can do what it takes to help her. You sound like a real “stand-up guy.” Keep persevering. Also, thanks for your years of service in the military. We appreciate you! There are more of us out there that appreciate your years of service than you may realize. God Bless!!!
(ZIMBABWE) I have read the other articles with interest. I have to admit to physically beating up my husband when he comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning. Looking back i can see I learned the behaviour from my parents who used to fight violently all the time. However, I have prayed to the Lord that I will not resort to violence as a way of controlling my husband or punishing him. I have to say I have improved with the help of God’s spirit. So I encourage abusers and the abused alike to pray, though the answer tarries, it will come.
(AFRICA) Married? Check. Abused? Check. Unhappy? Double check. Yep, that’s me… Married 2 years and I still ask myself what stupidity made me do it. My greatest abuse is verbal and emotional. The woman seemingly takes pleasure in saying + doing hurtful things to me.
Do I help around the home? Sure, I cook and clean, stay with the baby, buy her lots of stuff, I provide for all her needs yet she still sees me as an enemy.
I once witnessed her parents quarrel and realised she was just like her mum! She told me once how her mother used to beat up her father when they fought. Wish I had known this earlier before "I do". Anyway, I had assumed that a born again Christian wouldn’t do the stuff she’s been doing and I still can’t grasp how she can pray after doing some of these things.
Of course, we haven’t had sex in a year… as punishment and because she said she doesn’t like sex. Now I’m too proud to ask –not that it would do any good. I was a virgin till we married though she wasn’t. Now it looks like I got myself conned. It’s a Win-Lose. She marries a good guy, gets herself a baby + security and I cant say I have gained nada from the relationship, save headaches and I’m losing my faith(!).
We’ve been having counselling since the first week of marriage –to no avail. WHY would God let me marry her even after I committed everything into his hands to guide? Beats me. I still await His help and answer.
No, my wife doesn’t beat me, though hitting me seemed to be fair game till I once lost it with her (yeah I’m ashamed, I hit her back, yet something in me felt vindicated).
It would be appreciated if there are more articles to help husbands in emotional abuse like me. I’m losing my mind, I haven’t been able to pray in like 6 months and I slowly and surely see myself having an affair very soon if some drastic help doesn’t come my way.
Thanks for letting me share.