When we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse as well. Not as many as women, true, but it still happens.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘Taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help — especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers are less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is still wrong no matter who is the one who is victimizing the other.
Maxine Marz wrote an article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” (Metronews.ca, August 31, 2004), and she had the following to say on this subject:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.
The first article provided below is a testimony given by a husband who is a victim of domestic abuse which can be found on the web site for Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read:
• VICTIM
This next article is one where battered men (of various walks in life —both those who are followers of Christ and those who are not) share their life experiences. To read what they have written, please click onto the link provided below:
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good — that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?
• WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT
We also want to remind husbands to read the other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives, but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God will show you what advice you can and what you won’t be able to use. As your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit will reveal to you how to adapt different advice to your particular situation.
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(USA) As an abused husband with children (my wife was recently arrested on a domestic assault charge – I am the victim) there is a simple, but little discussed reason why many husbands do not leave abusive marriages. In many situations, like mine, if a husband divorces his wife, the woman will almost always be granted joint or the majority of custody of the children. As the children are also victims of abuse, we are left with the decision of leaving them in a potentially very dangerous situation.
My wife has threatened to kill myself and children several times. Can I walk away from this? Certainly not, because as a father I have an obligation to protect my children. Women know they will typically come out ahead in child custody disputes (even in cases of abuse) and they use this to blackmail their husbands. A woman can walk away from an abusive relationship with the children often at her pleasure; a man cannot and thus we suffer on for the safety of our kids.
(UNITED STATES) Hi, read this article and I feel so much shame, guilt and disgust with myself. I am supposed to be a Christian and have a relationship with God, but I have treated my husband very badly. I have been very abusive verbally and emotionally to him and now he is ready to walk away from me.
I almost feel as though I deserve it because of the things I have said to him and the ways I have treated him in the past. It is true that he does have issues, but me as the one in our relationship who confesses to love God (and is supposed to be saved), treats him in a very ungodly manner.
I was raised in a household where our mother (who is saved as well) could say just about anything to us when she was mad but then we forgave her because she was our mom and she loved us and took care of us. My mother came from a place where her mother did the same to her so it has been a vicious cycle.
My husband was the very first man I ever had that actually cared about me and over time he has had to bear the brunt of my issues so much, now he has become cold and heartless and I would even say that he has lost his love for me. I am at the point where I would do anything I can to keep him and to keep our family together as we just had our first daughter 8 months ago.
If there are any women out there, that are in a situation where you feel like you can say or do anything to your mate because you are mad or feel unloved, please think twice before being so quick to anger. Without God’s help I may be losing the best thing that has ever happened to my life, all because I could not control my temper. It is just not worth it. I pray not just that God saves my marriage but that God changes me and works on me because I am the root cause of the problems in our marriage.
I just hope that my words and my story can help someone else save their marriage and their family. I just pray to God that I can be a better Christian and a better wife and a better woman.
(USA) Kristen, I thank God for you realizing that you have failed in the past. The important thing is that you now go forward and treat your husband the way God intended marriage to be. I cannot say I was abused in my marriage, but I did not receive much positive feedback from my wife. I am in no way saying that she was the only one with issues in our marriage. I have plenty myself. I was the one who decided that there needed to be a change within our marriage.
First I learned to pray a lot about our marriage, asking God to grant us the wisdom and knowledge to make things better. Than I changed my attitude. My wife was perfectly happy to be where she was and didn’t think there were any problems. When I changed the way I treated my wife, she noticed the difference and started to respond more positively than before. This was not a quick process. We had 30+ years to develop our attitudes and habits. But change it did. Things are so much better between us now. There are still issues that need to be dealt with and we are working on them slowly.
Go to God and pray for forgiveness and then go to your husband and ask for forgiveness. Again I say this is not fast or easy but it can be done. God bless your efforts and his Glory.
(USA) I think/I am or might be or could be in this very category… My wife (this is the 3rd marriage for me, her 2nd) is an angry, depressed, (and on meds for it) verbally abusive person. And after living with this for almost 6yrs I am at my wits end. I don’t have the time or space to give all the background information. At this time and I was wondering, just what are the signs exactly, of a wife that is quick tempered, angry and verbally abusive, especially when a husband says something that doesn’t agree with her opinions/agenda?
It seems like it’s getting more frequent and more common now than yesteryear. Two days ago my wife asked me to show her how to do something on the computer, and I did. Then she said I said something “smart”, and she went off on me verbally. I don’t recall/ remember what it was, honestly or I would state it, because that’s the kinda of guy I am. And after about 15 minutes of my wife ranting and raving and cussing she finally told me that she was tired of me being a burden to her and maybe we should split.
I know she has anger issues – even her kids have told me that, and I know that her Dad was abusive and I know that her first husband was both verbally and physically abusive. I am 53 yrs old and to be honest with y’all, I have never even been in a fight or altercation in my entire life. Oh yeah, I have been in plenty of debates, arguments, etc.
What should I do? Also my wife has tried to commit suicide twice in this relationship, the last time here recently was just after Christmas 2008; that one was bad. They made her stay 1 week in the psych. ward. Due to my age and the economy I am unable to work in my life long chosen career, and only make very little at my present job. My wife is career orientated too, but has totally quit three 25 dollars per hour jobs in the last 2yrs, and is currently unemployed… and may not get another job in her career, due to the bridge burning in her past.
HELP WITH ADVICE PLEASE! P.S. Alcohol and drugs are not a factor. I do neither one, neither does she except for the prescribed meds for depression. One other thing, I am a born again Christian and my wife claims to be Atheist.
(USA) My situation is really difficult. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar/borderline personality disorder. The doctors are not sure which one she has. She is on a massive amount of medication for it, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. We’ve been married for 5 years, and she has been abusive most of that time. She would flip out and become violent throwing things at me, screaming and making a scene. A few times she has seriously injured me. Physically I’m more than a match for her, but any time I ever tried to fight back she would immediately threaten to call the police, and here in the town I live in, they don’t believe a man can be a victim of domestic violence.
She has cheated on me several times, and admitted to it freely. I would have left long ago, however we have a four year old daughter together, so I stayed in an attempt to shelter her from my wife’s rages. About 8 months ago I found out she was using drugs, stealing the money I had set aside to pay for rent and bills for her drug money and lying to me telling me she was paying the bills with it. Well I found out the truth when I got a notice of eviction, and talked to my landlord. My wife’s solution to this situation was that we were all supposed to move into her drug dealer friends basement, whom I found out she was cheating on me with as well.
So naturally that was completely unacceptable. I took my daughter and left while she was out getting high one night, and filed an order of protection against her for my daughter after my daughter told me that mommy had been hitting her. The court upheld the order for 6 months, during which time my wife went to get help. Supposedly, she got into an adult foster care program, and supposedly cleaned up her drug habit and started attending therapy three times a week to work on her problems.
All the while she is contacting me telling me what she’s doing, and the court approves her visitation on Saturdays. She insisted the entire time that she was clean and wanted to go to marriage counseling and work on our relationship. When the order expired we had a marriage counseling appointment. She didn’t show up, and I later found out she was sleeping with some 21 year old drug dealer again (a different one). So since the order had expired I denied her visitation, because I don’t want her buying and selling her drugs in front of my kid. So she promptly served me with divorce papers and is suing me for full custody of my daughter and just about everything I own. I don’t have a lot of cash left because it was expensive getting set up again on my own after she about bankrupted me when I had to leave.
I’ve even had to pull my daughter out of preschool because my wife showed up there in the middle of the day last Thursday and tried to snatch her from school. I’m rather at a loss as Ive tried to get a pro bono attorney, yet they don’t have very many around here. I have to call Monday at 10 am and they only have 6 appointments and if they fill them before I call I don’t get a lawyer. It’s like the lottery.
All I’m trying to do is keep my daughter away from a horrible environment filled with drug dealers and people with violent mental disorders. I don’t understand why I have to fight so very hard for something that should be a simple guarantee.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi all. My wife has maintained a pattern of physical and verbal abuse throughout our marriage. She agreed to get anger management counselling if she hit me again years ago. She has started getting individual counselling recently but from what she has told me it is to deal with her depression.
The physical abuse includes punching me, usually in the face or head. On a few occasions it has even happened when I am carrying one of our children – wailing in fear because of the screaming of abuse that proceeded. The one time I ever hit back was when she hit our daughter who was in my arms. Her response was to kick me out of the house and blame me entirely.
My wife completely validates all her abusive behaviour. Apologizing is something my wife has done sincerely about 5 times in our 10 years of marriage. In one of those 5 times it was only because our pastor made her admit that she was validating her behaviour.
(AUSTRALIA) My wife and I were in counselling today. She denied having a pattern of uncontrolled anger. "I only hit you once a year." Firstly that is false. It is more often. Secondly at least 15 physical assaults (I try not to dwell on it so I have lost exact count) constitutes a pattern of behaviour. Her uncontrolled verbal rages are far more frequent and just as damaging for the kids. Like last Thursday her approach was to be as aggressively accusatory and blaming as possible, so it seems. Clearly she still blames me for our relationship problems and is not yet able to take responsibility for her actions.
(AFRICA) I made a comment here much earlier… (seems the site is just for venting and no one is proffering solutions
Anyway, I finally left my wife… about the most difficult decision I’ve ever taken in my whole life.
Of course, she has gone about saying she has no clue why. lol. I left her the house and everything in it. Took only my personals. Of course, I worry for my child growing up with someone with such attitudes and behaviour but I think the little one (9 months) needs a mother now more than a dad. I hope I’m right.
It dawned on me some days back that I still love her very much and would love that things were different. BUT I also know that we are a definite mismatch. We want absolutely different things in life and marriage and obviously believe in different ways of achieving our wants.
We talk now and then on phone. I go see my baby fortnightly (it breaks my heart that I can’t be there for the child’s growing).
She wants me to come back yet fails to commit to definite actions to show her desire for a peaceful co-existence. I’ve realised that it’ll do neither of us any good as we wont be happy!
Well, be that as it may… I’m on track in getting help for myself per the deep emotional abuse and for the first time in over 2 years, I can say with some measure of confidence “I AM HAPPY.” Thanks for letting me share.
(USA) Mancee, I offer the same advice I offer anyone else who has left, which is to take the matter before your church. Go to them with your complaints about her behavior AND a solution you would like to see. Also ask about her complaints regarding your behavior and what solutions she would like to see.
Ask the church for Godly mentors to lead both of you to being Godly spouses and parents.
Your child needs to see you more than fortnightly. Your child needs you in his/her life on a daily basis, especially if your wife is abusive.
Everyone wants different things. That’s no excuse for abandoning your vows. Marriage is difficult, marriage is work, and many things we want are not Godly things.
So I recommend that you approach your wife and ask her if she’ll join you in a Bible Based program to reconcile your marriage, to control her anger and address any complaints she has about you.
I seriously doubt that you are without sin in the marriage. I’m not saying you are responsible for her abuse. But I am saying we all sin against our spouse. Leaving, without a plan to reconcile and build a Godly marriage is an example of sin.
You as the husband are called to be a leader in your home. Leaders don’t walk away, and leaders don’t leave children with an abusive parent. God calls us to be Holy, not happy. He calls us to eternal joy, not temporal happiness.
You asked for advice, so I have some. Are you willing to lead, or are you going to continue to run? My advice is to lead, in a Godly fashion.
(USA) MY WIFE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM A LOSER. SHE SCREAMS AT ME AND CALLS ME NAMES. IF I DO NOT DO HAS SHE TELLS ME TO DO SHE WILL SCREAM AT ME ALL DAY LONG. WE HAVE A 12 YEAR OLD BOY THAT SEES THIS AND I JUST WONDER WHAT HE IS THINKING WHEN I WILL NOT DEFEND MYSELF. I WILL NOT HIT A WOMEN.
SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO GO TO BED AND WHEN TO EAT AND SHE CONTROLS ALL THE MONEY AND SHE CONTROLS ME IN EVERY WAY. SHE TELL ME THAT IF I LEAVE I WILL NEVER SEE MY SON AGAIN. I AM ON PRESCRIPTION DRUGS FOR MY BACK AND LEGS. SHE WILL TAKE THEM AND NOT CARE FOR ME AT ALL. THEN I HAVE TO SUFFER WITH PAIN UNTIL I SEE THE DOCTOR THE NEXT MONTH. IF I HIDE THEM FROM HER SHE WILL CRAB AT ME ALL WEEK LONG ABOUT EVERYTHING I DO. IT IS LIKE I DO NOT DO NOTHING RIGHT. WHEN WE ARE OUT IN PUBLIC SHE ACTS SO SWEET BUT WHEN WE GET HOME IT IS ALL HORRIBLE.
PLEASE HELP ME I CANNOT TAKE IT NO MORE PLEASE HELP ME, I HAVE NEVER BEEN TREATED LIKE THIS BEFORE. GIVE ME SOME HELP PLEASE. TOM