When we think of abuse or domestic violence, we don’t often hear or think about the husband being the victim. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet more and more it’s coming out into the light that many husbands are victims of spousal abuse as well. Not as many as women, true, but it still happens.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘Taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help — especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers are less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is still wrong no matter who is the one who is victimizing the other.
Maxine Marz wrote an article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” (Metronews.ca, August 31, 2004), and she had the following to say on this subject:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.
The first article provided below is a testimony given by a husband who is a victim of domestic abuse which can be found on the web site for Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read:
• VICTIM
This next article is one where battered men (of various walks in life —both those who are followers of Christ and those who are not) share their life experiences. To read what they have written, please click onto the link provided below:
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good — that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?
• WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT
We also want to remind husbands to read the other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives, but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God will show you what advice you can and what you won’t be able to use. As your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit will reveal to you how to adapt different advice to your particular situation.
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(SA) Hi there, I have a brother in law which is very close to me and my family because he is the twin brother of my husband. He is also newly married to a girl he met. Everything happend fast and they got married and soon after now she is pregnant.
She controlls his every step, he and his twin brother have the amazing gift of singing and a while back started working on this life long dream… this started to become a big problem as she can not control him when he is at the studio or with other people.
He is a very alive and great person a lot like his brother and they have a very big bond. He constantly wants to give up their singing (they sing togeter) to just keep his wife happy and keep the peace in his marriage. This however is not making him very happy. He is misrable most of the time and we (his family) don’t know him anymore.
His wife told him that she will not accept his singing gift or the fact that with his brother this will become his career. She also told him she doesn’t want to share him with the world. …it seems, that he has to phone her everyday and tell her about his every movement. If he doesn’t there is instant trouble and then they put up a fight. Whenever a boys night out comes up… again trouble- so he started to lie to her and try keep peace once again.
If she admits that she won’t change her mind, about his being himself and having a dream career of singing… is there hope at all?
I believe she abuses him non-physically but on a pshycological level, she also brings home more income than him (I know this because he works at the same place where my husband works) and they (when happy) celebrate her promotions at work.
He is totally in love with his wife, and it hurts us that he doesn’t see the problem … She doesn’t want him to have a life, except if it revolves around her ALONE!
(UNITED STATES) I deal with stresses that don’t seem like anything I have had before. We have only been married for four months and she tells me that I don’t help her with anything. I cook, clean, do her homework with her and for her at times, spend all of my money on her, spend all of my time on her, and I just don’t know what she means by saying I am not there for her.
I tried to forgive everything yesterday and everything was fine until that night and she just flipped out on me. She tells me that I don’t love her, that she would have been better off with someone else, that her ex-fiance wouldn’t have been like this. It is ridiculous and really dissappoints me. I try to read the Bible with her and she seems to be absorbing it and not long after I am confronted with name calling, blaming, threats of divorce, comparison to her ex-fiance, threats of her cheating, telling me I can’t attend class because she needs me at home to fix or clean this or that.
It is awful. I am unhappy, and we haven’t had sex one time since the marriage nor does she want to unless I can give her a better ceremony and honeymoon. I am currently broke because all my money is spent on bills, gas, insurance, her food. I often skip meals for her. I have been eating only one and occassionally two meals a day for the past couple of months to ensure she has food to eat and the things she wants. I am getting tired of being treated like this and I don’t even know if we are actually married if we have not consumated.
I have consulted my pastor and he doesn’t believe we are married until consumation occurs. I don’t know what is right in this because we don’t have sex or anything, she uses all of my funds for her pleasures and stores all of hers in her personal savings account, she doesn’t believe my education to be as important as taking care of the house, and she is constantly threatening to divorce me, cheat on me, calling me names, or blaming me for all of our problems. I have tried talking to her about it, but she doesn’t do anything to change it for any longer than maybe an hour.
She is controlling and manipulative and I don’t know what is right anymore. I want her to stop all of this and just live for God like I am trying to do, but she isn’t. I don’t want to divorce her, but it seems as if she will never see these situations like I do. Is divorce really my only option? If not, what other choices do I have? How can I get her to see these things and change them without looking back? How do I recover my self-worth, self-confidence, and overall person? I don’t know and I am praying for God to lead me. Please help me.
(USA) Robert, I have one word for you, annulment. I would take your wife to the church and ask that both of you be placed under mentors for how to conduct a Godly marriage. If she refuses and your state has this in the law, seek an annulment.
Many states have it on the books to annul a marriage, which is to make it as if it didn’t happen. If the marriage has not be consummated and she is not acting in good faith as a wife, and will not act as a wife, then I think you have sufficient grounds for an annulment. I pray that your state has such a provision.
(USA) Here’s my situation… Married for 20 years and own a business with my wife, which I started but, always considered her as a partner because I LOVE her and want to share 100%. Well, about a year after I opened the business we BOTH agreed to move and it was decided I would move first while she sold our home. I moved and then about 6 months later we sold our home and she called me to say, “if you want me to move there, then give me 51% of the corporation so I’ll know you won’t leave me some day in the future. That was easy and so I complied.
About 3 months later she moved to our new hometown and then [everything horrible] broke loose. From then on, any decision I wanted to make regarding business HAD to be approved by her. My employees grew to hate her and our business tanked. Then last year she went to the bank and took me off the accounts. Now I have to go to her for approval for everything and if she’s doesn’t like something I say, a way I look at her or just do anything she doesn’t like, she won’t approve payment to vendors, etc.
Me, being a man and wanting to secure the reputation of the company, and myself -won’t tell the vendors the truth and as such, I’ve now accumulated $100K in debt she won’t repay through the company. If I try to do anything, she owns 51%… so I’m [basically screwed].
Tonight we were having a good time, and then she accused me of [having sexual relations with] my dauthter (her step daughter) and I called her [an obscene name]… I was wrong for using that language, but, her response was to stab me (I HAVE PICS!). This is the third time in our marriage (2nd in 6 months) that she has cut me with a knife. Now, obviously they are not life-threatening wounds, but they are deep, scarring and emotionally troubling.
The problem I face is that EVERY TIME 911 has been called in our 20 years of marriage, they ALWAYS take ME to jail. So tonight when she called and, even though I had a stab wound, I ran and became a child. What am I to do? Society only thinks men are bad.
(USA) Dear Thomas, This is a very sad situation. I am a financial advisor and when I read that you are now $100K in debt, I just had to respond. My guess is that if you’ve been married for 20 years, you’re probably in your 50’s – which is the retirement redzone. However, instead of having assets, you’re now placed in a situation of $100K liability. I gather that your wife knows about this, but just doesn’t care. The interest alone on $100k is going to make the debt spiral out of control if it is not dealt with immediately.
I find it strange that you mention “EVERY TIME 911 has been called.” Has that been a frequent occurrence in your marriage? It doesn’t sound normal at all.
Unfortunately, you’ve allowed your wife to run “roughshod” in the marriage for the past 20 years. I am a Christian and I believe in the marriage covenant. However, as a financial advisor, I am also very pragmatic. I think it’s pretty evident that your wife does not care about you, at all. Your priority should be getting out of debt and rebuilding a future for your retirement years. As drastic as it might seem, that could mean shutting down your company. I highly recommend speaking with a financial advisor/planner and attorney. You need to find a way not to incur any further debt which you are personally liable for. And perhaps (depending on whether you live in a community property state), your wife could also be liabile for half the debt. Speak to an attorney!
I am not sure if you’re a Christian, but if you are, then I also strongly suggest that in addition to seeking advice from both a financial advisor and attorney that you pray and ask God for His supreme guidance. In my life, I have been through some very “impossible to get out of” situations and God has always opened a door. So, all that to say is that with God, nothing is impossible and that He will give you a solution (whether it’s an idea, favor with vendors, etc). Romans 8:28 will come alive in your life if you seek Him first. Please do not lose hope. As bleak as everything may appear in the natural world, God does have a solution for you – but you must be committed to Him, FIRST.
Regarding your wife – well, I do believe that God can do anything, and again, I am a firm believer in the marriage covenant. However, it sounds to me that your wife does not care about your well being AT ALL. She sounds very calculating (evidenced by the fact that she took you off the bank accounts).
What do you mean you had a stab wound? From your wife? If your life is being threatened, then I think it’s pretty clear as to what you need to do. Why are you even allowing yourself to be placed in a situation where you could be accused of inappropriate sexual relations? You need to extricate yourself from such situations. Stop being a victim. If you know that your wife has a history of making such accusations, then don’t be there to be blamed in the first place. You are in control of who you choose to be around.
In summary, here’s what I would do in your situation:
1) Don’t run from the police – deal with it now. And I note, the fact that she has done this before could be that she’s building a case against you. Shouldn’t this be a clear warning sign that she can’t be trusted?
2) Talk to a financial advisor AND attorney (probably a divorce attorney). I am not endorsing divorce, but typically, they can tell you what debt she would be responsible for. My gut feeling is that although you’ve incurred it in your personal name, she is still responsible for half. If you decide to pursue divorce, you may be entitled for “support” from your wife – since she probably made sure that she had the higher income.
Also, once your wife is aware of your actions, she may “have a change of heart” and be nice to you again. Don’t get suckered into this. I think her actions over the past 20 years have proven her character, loyalty and love to you (or lack, thereof). What additional proof do you need?
3) Pray and seek God, FIRST. Get your bible out and get on your knees. Read His word. He is faithful and will never leave nor forsake you. He will certainly provide a solution for you.
May the Lord be with you, always. -Suzi
(USA) Hi Thomas, From what you’ve written, you definitely have major problems going on in your marriage relationship on many different levels! And if you don’t do something fairly quickly, I can’t imagine your marriage will survive all that’s happening.
As I was praying about your situation, some names came to mind to refer you to that might be able to help you sort through all that you’re dealing with in your marriage (or they might know of someone else who could). This isn’t the type of situation where we or anyone else could give you simple advice and it would solve everything. You have some major cracks going on in the foundation of your marriage (beyond the financial) that need to be worked on as soon as possible if your marriage (and you) has any kind of chance of surviving this. This is not an impossible situation but it also isn’t one where you can apply a quick fix solution to it. You need to be very deliberate, wise, and intentional in how you handle matters or things are going to get worse.
The couple that I would encourage you to contact is Dr Tony and Kim Moore. They have a book out titled “Your Spouse is Not Your Problem… Real Solutions for Real People” published by Radical Publishing. It’s not easy to get the book, but you can through their web site at Radicallove.org. They also have a “Contact” section you could use to email your problem and then someone will contact you.
Also, they usually do their work through giving seminars, but I have a feeling they may be able to direct you to more of the type of help you need somehow. It’s sure worth the time and effort you would take to find out. They don’t mess around by telling you things that you can’t use. They seem to be the types that can get right to the heart of matters that trouble couples today, and that’s what you need.
Another contact for you would be the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff (that you can contact during business hours) that could direct you to the type of help you need as well. You can find their counseling contact information on our web site in the “Marriage Counseling” section under “Links and Recommended Resources.” I hope you will. Your situation seems to be escalating in piling up more and more problems, along with violence in word and actions. That’s dangerous! It isn’t something you can delay in working on with someone who has wisdom concerning these types of matters. I pray you will find the help you need, and that you will find it sooner rather than later.