As I was praying about your situation, some names came to mind to refer you to that might be able to help you sort through all that you’re dealing with in your marriage (or they might know of someone else who could). This isn’t the type of situation where we or anyone else could give you simple advice and it would solve everything. You have some major cracks going on in the foundation of your marriage (beyond the financial) that need to be worked on as soon as possible if your marriage (and you) has any kind of chance of surviving this. This is not an impossible situation but it also isn’t one where you can apply a quick fix solution to it. You need to be very deliberate, wise, and intentional in how you handle matters or things are going to get worse.

The couple that I would encourage you to contact is Dr Tony and Kim Moore. They have a book out titled “Your Spouse is Not Your Problem… Real Solutions for Real People” published by Radical Publishing. It’s not easy to get the book, but you can through their web site at Radicallove.org. They also have a “Contact” section you could use to email your problem and then someone will contact you.

Also, they usually do their work through giving seminars, but I have a feeling they may be able to direct you to more of the type of help you need somehow. It’s sure worth the time and effort you would take to find out. They don’t mess around by telling you things that you can’t use. They seem to be the types that can get right to the heart of matters that trouble couples today, and that’s what you need.

Another contact for you would be the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff (that you can contact during business hours) that could direct you to the type of help you need as well. You can find their counseling contact information on our web site in the “Marriage Counseling” section under “Links and Recommended Resources.” I hope you will. Your situation seems to be escalating in piling up more and more problems, along with violence in word and actions. That’s dangerous! It isn’t something you can delay in working on with someone who has wisdom concerning these types of matters. I pray you will find the help you need, and that you will find it sooner rather than later.

I find it strange that you mention “EVERY TIME 911 has been called.” Has that been a frequent occurrence in your marriage? It doesn’t sound normal at all.

Unfortunately, you’ve allowed your wife to run “roughshod” in the marriage for the past 20 years. I am a Christian and I believe in the marriage covenant. However, as a financial advisor, I am also very pragmatic. I think it’s pretty evident that your wife does not care about you, at all. Your priority should be getting out of debt and rebuilding a future for your retirement years. As drastic as it might seem, that could mean shutting down your company. I highly recommend speaking with a financial advisor/planner and attorney. You need to find a way not to incur any further debt which you are personally liable for. And perhaps (depending on whether you live in a community property state), your wife could also be liabile for half the debt. Speak to an attorney!

I am not sure if you’re a Christian, but if you are, then I also strongly suggest that in addition to seeking advice from both a financial advisor and attorney that you pray and ask God for His supreme guidance. In my life, I have been through some very “impossible to get out of” situations and God has always opened a door. So, all that to say is that with God, nothing is impossible and that He will give you a solution (whether it’s an idea, favor with vendors, etc). Romans 8:28 will come alive in your life if you seek Him first. Please do not lose hope. As bleak as everything may appear in the natural world, God does have a solution for you – but you must be committed to Him, FIRST.

Regarding your wife – well, I do believe that God can do anything, and again, I am a firm believer in the marriage covenant. However, it sounds to me that your wife does not care about your well being AT ALL. She sounds very calculating (evidenced by the fact that she took you off the bank accounts).

What do you mean you had a stab wound? From your wife? If your life is being threatened, then I think it’s pretty clear as to what you need to do. Why are you even allowing yourself to be placed in a situation where you could be accused of inappropriate sexual relations? You need to extricate yourself from such situations. Stop being a victim. If you know that your wife has a history of making such accusations, then don’t be there to be blamed in the first place. You are in control of who you choose to be around.

In summary, here’s what I would do in your situation:

1) Don’t run from the police – deal with it now. And I note, the fact that she has done this before could be that she’s building a case against you. Shouldn’t this be a clear warning sign that she can’t be trusted?

2) Talk to a financial advisor AND attorney (probably a divorce attorney). I am not endorsing divorce, but typically, they can tell you what debt she would be responsible for. My gut feeling is that although you’ve incurred it in your personal name, she is still responsible for half. If you decide to pursue divorce, you may be entitled for “support” from your wife – since she probably made sure that she had the higher income.

Also, once your wife is aware of your actions, she may “have a change of heart” and be nice to you again. Don’t get suckered into this. I think her actions over the past 20 years have proven her character, loyalty and love to you (or lack, thereof). What additional proof do you need?

3) Pray and seek God, FIRST. Get your bible out and get on your knees. Read His word. He is faithful and will never leave nor forsake you. He will certainly provide a solution for you.

May the Lord be with you, always. -Suzi

About 3 months later she moved to our new hometown and then [everything horrible] broke loose. From then on, any decision I wanted to make regarding business HAD to be approved by her. My employees grew to hate her and our business tanked. Then last year she went to the bank and took me off the accounts. Now I have to go to her for approval for everything and if she’s doesn’t like something I say, a way I look at her or just do anything she doesn’t like, she won’t approve payment to vendors, etc.

Me, being a man and wanting to secure the reputation of the company, and myself -won’t tell the vendors the truth and as such, I’ve now accumulated $100K in debt she won’t repay through the company. If I try to do anything, she owns 51%… so I’m [basically screwed].

Tonight we were having a good time, and then she accused me of [having sexual relations with] my dauthter (her step daughter) and I called her [an obscene name]… I was wrong for using that language, but, her response was to stab me (I HAVE PICS!). This is the third time in our marriage (2nd in 6 months) that she has cut me with a knife. Now, obviously they are not life-threatening wounds, but they are deep, scarring and emotionally troubling.

The problem I face is that EVERY TIME 911 has been called in our 20 years of marriage, they ALWAYS take ME to jail. So tonight when she called and, even though I had a stab wound, I ran and became a child. What am I to do? Society only thinks men are bad.

Many states have it on the books to annul a marriage, which is to make it as if it didn’t happen. If the marriage has not be consummated and she is not acting in good faith as a wife, and will not act as a wife, then I think you have sufficient grounds for an annulment. I pray that your state has such a provision.

I tried to forgive everything yesterday and everything was fine until that night and she just flipped out on me. She tells me that I don’t love her, that she would have been better off with someone else, that her ex-fiance wouldn’t have been like this. It is ridiculous and really dissappoints me. I try to read the Bible with her and she seems to be absorbing it and not long after I am confronted with name calling, blaming, threats of divorce, comparison to her ex-fiance, threats of her cheating, telling me I can’t attend class because she needs me at home to fix or clean this or that.

It is awful. I am unhappy, and we haven’t had sex one time since the marriage nor does she want to unless I can give her a better ceremony and honeymoon. I am currently broke because all my money is spent on bills, gas, insurance, her food. I often skip meals for her. I have been eating only one and occassionally two meals a day for the past couple of months to ensure she has food to eat and the things she wants. I am getting tired of being treated like this and I don’t even know if we are actually married if we have not consumated.

I have consulted my pastor and he doesn’t believe we are married until consumation occurs. I don’t know what is right in this because we don’t have sex or anything, she uses all of my funds for her pleasures and stores all of hers in her personal savings account, she doesn’t believe my education to be as important as taking care of the house, and she is constantly threatening to divorce me, cheat on me, calling me names, or blaming me for all of our problems. I have tried talking to her about it, but she doesn’t do anything to change it for any longer than maybe an hour.

She is controlling and manipulative and I don’t know what is right anymore. I want her to stop all of this and just live for God like I am trying to do, but she isn’t. I don’t want to divorce her, but it seems as if she will never see these situations like I do. Is divorce really my only option? If not, what other choices do I have? How can I get her to see these things and change them without looking back? How do I recover my self-worth, self-confidence, and overall person? I don’t know and I am praying for God to lead me. Please help me.

Not only that, but she ridicules me when I can’t afford to get her everything she wants/ needs. She won’t help me and anytime I ask she calls me a bum, tells me how bad a husband I am, etc. I don’t want to give up on her, but all I ever hear is “I wish I wouldn’t have married you” or “You know if I wouldn’t have married you it wouldn’t be like this.”

But the Bible says that there is no reason for divorce. According to Jesus in Mark, and not only that, she refuses to have sex with me and just kills all of my self-worth and confidence. I don’t know what is right concerning these things anymore. I need help and advice.

She controlls his every step, he and his twin brother have the amazing gift of singing and a while back started working on this life long dream… this started to become a big problem as she can not control him when he is at the studio or with other people.

He is a very alive and great person a lot like his brother and they have a very big bond. He constantly wants to give up their singing (they sing togeter) to just keep his wife happy and keep the peace in his marriage. This however is not making him very happy. He is misrable most of the time and we (his family) don’t know him anymore.

His wife told him that she will not accept his singing gift or the fact that with his brother this will become his career. She also told him she doesn’t want to share him with the world. …it seems, that he has to phone her everyday and tell her about his every movement. If he doesn’t there is instant trouble and then they put up a fight. Whenever a boys night out comes up… again trouble- so he started to lie to her and try keep peace once again.

If she admits that she won’t change her mind, about his being himself and having a dream career of singing… is there hope at all?

I believe she abuses him non-physically but on a pshycological level, she also brings home more income than him (I know this because he works at the same place where my husband works) and they (when happy) celebrate her promotions at work.

He is totally in love with his wife, and it hurts us that he doesn’t see the problem … She doesn’t want him to have a life, except if it revolves around her ALONE!

SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO GO TO BED AND WHEN TO EAT AND SHE CONTROLS ALL THE MONEY AND SHE CONTROLS ME IN EVERY WAY. SHE TELL ME THAT IF I LEAVE I WILL NEVER SEE MY SON AGAIN. I AM ON PRESCRIPTION DRUGS FOR MY BACK AND LEGS. SHE WILL TAKE THEM AND NOT CARE FOR ME AT ALL. THEN I HAVE TO SUFFER WITH PAIN UNTIL I SEE THE DOCTOR THE NEXT MONTH. IF I HIDE THEM FROM HER SHE WILL CRAB AT ME ALL WEEK LONG ABOUT EVERYTHING I DO. IT IS LIKE I DO NOT DO NOTHING RIGHT. WHEN WE ARE OUT IN PUBLIC SHE ACTS SO SWEET BUT WHEN WE GET HOME IT IS ALL HORRIBLE.

PLEASE HELP ME I CANNOT TAKE IT NO MORE PLEASE HELP ME, I HAVE NEVER BEEN TREATED LIKE THIS BEFORE. GIVE ME SOME HELP PLEASE. TOM

Ask the church for Godly mentors to lead both of you to being Godly spouses and parents.

Your child needs to see you more than fortnightly. Your child needs you in his/her life on a daily basis, especially if your wife is abusive.

Everyone wants different things. That’s no excuse for abandoning your vows. Marriage is difficult, marriage is work, and many things we want are not Godly things.

So I recommend that you approach your wife and ask her if she’ll join you in a Bible Based program to reconcile your marriage, to control her anger and address any complaints she has about you.

I seriously doubt that you are without sin in the marriage. I’m not saying you are responsible for her abuse. But I am saying we all sin against our spouse. Leaving, without a plan to reconcile and build a Godly marriage is an example of sin.

You as the husband are called to be a leader in your home. Leaders don’t walk away, and leaders don’t leave children with an abusive parent. God calls us to be Holy, not happy. He calls us to eternal joy, not temporal happiness.

You asked for advice, so I have some. Are you willing to lead, or are you going to continue to run? My advice is to lead, in a Godly fashion.

Of course, she has gone about saying she has no clue why. lol. I left her the house and everything in it. Took only my personals. Of course, I worry for my child growing up with someone with such attitudes and behaviour but I think the little one (9 months) needs a mother now more than a dad. I hope I’m right.

It dawned on me some days back that I still love her very much and would love that things were different. BUT I also know that we are a definite mismatch. We want absolutely different things in life and marriage and obviously believe in different ways of achieving our wants.
We talk now and then on phone. I go see my baby fortnightly (it breaks my heart that I can’t be there for the child’s growing).

She wants me to come back yet fails to commit to definite actions to show her desire for a peaceful co-existence. I’ve realised that it’ll do neither of us any good as we wont be happy!

Well, be that as it may… I’m on track in getting help for myself per the deep emotional abuse and for the first time in over 2 years, I can say with some measure of confidence “I AM HAPPY.” Thanks for letting me share.

The physical abuse includes punching me, usually in the face or head. On a few occasions it has even happened when I am carrying one of our children – wailing in fear because of the screaming of abuse that proceeded. The one time I ever hit back was when she hit our daughter who was in my arms. Her response was to kick me out of the house and blame me entirely.

My wife completely validates all her abusive behaviour. Apologizing is something my wife has done sincerely about 5 times in our 10 years of marriage. In one of those 5 times it was only because our pastor made her admit that she was validating her behaviour.

She has cheated on me several times, and admitted to it freely. I would have left long ago, however we have a four year old daughter together, so I stayed in an attempt to shelter her from my wife’s rages. About 8 months ago I found out she was using drugs, stealing the money I had set aside to pay for rent and bills for her drug money and lying to me telling me she was paying the bills with it. Well I found out the truth when I got a notice of eviction, and talked to my landlord. My wife’s solution to this situation was that we were all supposed to move into her drug dealer friends basement, whom I found out she was cheating on me with as well.

So naturally that was completely unacceptable. I took my daughter and left while she was out getting high one night, and filed an order of protection against her for my daughter after my daughter told me that mommy had been hitting her. The court upheld the order for 6 months, during which time my wife went to get help. Supposedly, she got into an adult foster care program, and supposedly cleaned up her drug habit and started attending therapy three times a week to work on her problems.

All the while she is contacting me telling me what she’s doing, and the court approves her visitation on Saturdays. She insisted the entire time that she was clean and wanted to go to marriage counseling and work on our relationship. When the order expired we had a marriage counseling appointment. She didn’t show up, and I later found out she was sleeping with some 21 year old drug dealer again (a different one). So since the order had expired I denied her visitation, because I don’t want her buying and selling her drugs in front of my kid. So she promptly served me with divorce papers and is suing me for full custody of my daughter and just about everything I own. I don’t have a lot of cash left because it was expensive getting set up again on my own after she about bankrupted me when I had to leave.

I’ve even had to pull my daughter out of preschool because my wife showed up there in the middle of the day last Thursday and tried to snatch her from school. I’m rather at a loss as Ive tried to get a pro bono attorney, yet they don’t have very many around here. I have to call Monday at 10 am and they only have 6 appointments and if they fill them before I call I don’t get a lawyer. It’s like the lottery.

All I’m trying to do is keep my daughter away from a horrible environment filled with drug dealers and people with violent mental disorders. I don’t understand why I have to fight so very hard for something that should be a simple guarantee.

It seems like it’s getting more frequent and more common now than yesteryear. Two days ago my wife asked me to show her how to do something on the computer, and I did. Then she said I said something “smart”, and she went off on me verbally. I don’t recall/ remember what it was, honestly or I would state it, because that’s the kinda of guy I am. And after about 15 minutes of my wife ranting and raving and cussing she finally told me that she was tired of me being a burden to her and maybe we should split.

I know she has anger issues – even her kids have told me that, and I know that her Dad was abusive and I know that her first husband was both verbally and physically abusive. I am 53 yrs old and to be honest with y’all, I have never even been in a fight or altercation in my entire life. Oh yeah, I have been in plenty of debates, arguments, etc.

What should I do? Also my wife has tried to commit suicide twice in this relationship, the last time here recently was just after Christmas 2008; that one was bad. They made her stay 1 week in the psych. ward. Due to my age and the economy I am unable to work in my life long chosen career, and only make very little at my present job. My wife is career orientated too, but has totally quit three 25 dollars per hour jobs in the last 2yrs, and is currently unemployed… and may not get another job in her career, due to the bridge burning in her past.

HELP WITH ADVICE PLEASE! P.S. Alcohol and drugs are not a factor. I do neither one, neither does she except for the prescribed meds for depression. One other thing, I am a born again Christian and my wife claims to be Atheist.

First I learned to pray a lot about our marriage, asking God to grant us the wisdom and knowledge to make things better. Than I changed my attitude. My wife was perfectly happy to be where she was and didn’t think there were any problems. When I changed the way I treated my wife, she noticed the difference and started to respond more positively than before. This was not a quick process. We had 30+ years to develop our attitudes and habits. But change it did. Things are so much better between us now. There are still issues that need to be dealt with and we are working on them slowly.

Go to God and pray for forgiveness and then go to your husband and ask for forgiveness. Again I say this is not fast or easy but it can be done. God bless your efforts and his Glory.

I almost feel as though I deserve it because of the things I have said to him and the ways I have treated him in the past. It is true that he does have issues, but me as the one in our relationship who confesses to love God (and is supposed to be saved), treats him in a very ungodly manner.

I was raised in a household where our mother (who is saved as well) could say just about anything to us when she was mad but then we forgave her because she was our mom and she loved us and took care of us. My mother came from a place where her mother did the same to her so it has been a vicious cycle.

My husband was the very first man I ever had that actually cared about me and over time he has had to bear the brunt of my issues so much, now he has become cold and heartless and I would even say that he has lost his love for me. I am at the point where I would do anything I can to keep him and to keep our family together as we just had our first daughter 8 months ago.

If there are any women out there, that are in a situation where you feel like you can say or do anything to your mate because you are mad or feel unloved, please think twice before being so quick to anger. Without God’s help I may be losing the best thing that has ever happened to my life, all because I could not control my temper. It is just not worth it. I pray not just that God saves my marriage but that God changes me and works on me because I am the root cause of the problems in our marriage.

I just hope that my words and my story can help someone else save their marriage and their family. I just pray to God that I can be a better Christian and a better wife and a better woman.

My wife has threatened to kill myself and children several times. Can I walk away from this? Certainly not, because as a father I have an obligation to protect my children. Women know they will typically come out ahead in child custody disputes (even in cases of abuse) and they use this to blackmail their husbands. A woman can walk away from an abusive relationship with the children often at her pleasure; a man cannot and thus we suffer on for the safety of our kids.

Do I help around the home? Sure, I cook and clean, stay with the baby, buy her lots of stuff, I provide for all her needs yet she still sees me as an enemy.

I once witnessed her parents quarrel and realised she was just like her mum! She told me once how her mother used to beat up her father when they fought. Wish I had known this earlier before "I do". Anyway, I had assumed that a born again Christian wouldn’t do the stuff she’s been doing and I still can’t grasp how she can pray after doing some of these things.

Of course, we haven’t had sex in a year… as punishment and because she said she doesn’t like sex. Now I’m too proud to ask –not that it would do any good. I was a virgin till we married though she wasn’t. Now it looks like I got myself conned. It’s a Win-Lose. She marries a good guy, gets herself a baby + security and I cant say I have gained nada from the relationship, save headaches and I’m losing my faith(!).

We’ve been having counselling since the first week of marriage –to no avail. WHY would God let me marry her even after I committed everything into his hands to guide? Beats me. I still await His help and answer.

No, my wife doesn’t beat me, though hitting me seemed to be fair game till I once lost it with her (yeah I’m ashamed, I hit her back, yet something in me felt vindicated).

It would be appreciated if there are more articles to help husbands in emotional abuse like me. I’m losing my mind, I haven’t been able to pray in like 6 months and I slowly and surely see myself having an affair very soon if some drastic help doesn’t come my way.
Thanks for letting me share.

There IS a double standard that goes both ways on different areas of behavior. If a man did one of the things you describe (that your wife did to you) to his wife, she would scream “abuse” and yet a wife will rationalize it in various ways (with the excuses you said she used, and others as well).

Your point about the emotional hurt is excellent. Even if someone isn’t hurt physically, it can still be emotionally damaging. The same goes for a man doing this to a woman. Words can be as damaging, if not more so than physical damage at times.

I don’t know if an article that you can hand to your wife would help her to realize the damage she is causing to your relationship or not. But I can tell you Jason, that I have put a note on our computer and as soon as I can, I will write one. I DO feel that tug by the Holy Spirit. But it may take a while… we have SO MUCH on our “plate” right now with Marriage Missions that all I can do is tell you that I will do the best I can, as soon as I can.

In the meantime, you may consider praying about this and asking the Lord to show YOU how to, and what to write to your wife. Take your time. Pray, and write, and then hold onto it to make sure you look it over again before giving it or mailing it to her. Sometimes our written words can get through when our impassioned words during the heat of the moment won’t. It’s sure worth a try.

Also, if you would like to write an article on this that we can put up on the web site to address other wives from a husband’s point of view, we would sure love for you to do that. It might also be a good outlet for you to get some things out in the open for your own peace of mind and it just might get through to other wives so they change their behavior. You never know. You can write us a note in the “Contact Us” section, telling us that you have an article you’d like to submit for us to look at, and we will write you back and give you the ministry e-mail address (I can’t give it to you on the web site because of spy-bots floating through the Internet that will grab onto it and mess with things on our end.)

Also, go on a look around the Marriage Missions web site to find other articles that could help you (and your wife). We have several on managing anger and abuse that you both could find helpful (if your wife would read them).

As for the counseling, I’d still advise you to go. Try making another appointment. And ask your wife again to go with you. If she won’t, then keep the appointment yourself anyway. If you have to go alone, then use the time to talk to the counselor to see if he or she can help YOU figure out what to do when things start to escalate with your wife. If SHE won’t go to get help, then at least you can go to try to help yourself find ways to escape the abuse.

I hope this helps Jason. You truly have our sympathies. I’ve talked to many women about this. I try to bring it up when I speak at women’s groups. You’ll see many embarrassed faces and others that still won’t “get it” but others come up to me and thank me, saying that they had never thought of it that way before and change their behavior.

It sounds like you have a sensitive wife in many ways from what you’ve written. I sense that from what I can read between the lines. And I believe she has a desire to change, but something’s still stopping her. I pray she will eventually find ways to get victory over this.

And I pray that you can do what it takes to help her. You sound like a real “stand-up guy.” Keep persevering. Also, thanks for your years of service in the military. We appreciate you! There are more of us out there that appreciate your years of service than you may realize. God Bless!!!

My wife doesn’t even realize that she has a problem. I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s not right, but she has a warped view that she’s allowed to hit me since it doesn’t hurt me very much — physically at least, although it certainly is hurting me emotionally. Although I’m a 6’2” man of 215 lbs from my 15yrs of on-going military service, she often says, "be a man" or "take it like a man," when I request that she stop hitting me, kicking, scratching or even biting.

It’s like living with a child at times. Today when we were looking over some travel plans online, she socked me in the jaw and when I said, "what was that for?" her reply was, “I didn’t hit you that hard.” I told her that sort of behavior isn’t allowed and ended our lunch at her office early.

I should have realized when a couple of similar incidents occurred (verbal fights that she escalated to a few punches and throwing things at me) while we were dating (2 yrs dating, 1.2 yrs engaged), but each time she apologized and promised to never let it happen again. Since we’ve been married (1.5 years) it happens more frequently now and she’s escalated her insanity to incorporate pushing other buttons including throwing/removing her wedding ring and threatening to break belongings.

Her last really bad bout, I decided it was time to maybe bring in a family member – her twin sister: I phoned her sister #1 so in case she ever hurts herself during one of her fits and #2 to maybe try put a mirror up to her face or at least have her sister help her. I have to admit, it really upset her, but since then she realizes that I’m not going to keep her abuse in the closet any more.

Because of my employer, we can get free counseling for issues like this, so I set up a meeting marriage counselor about two months ago. I told her the evening that I made the appointment about it and said that it was for both of us, to help improve our marriage, her reply was simple — "I won’t go!"

During the week leading up to the day before it, she requested I cancel the appointment that I’d be attending on my own. And I did, just within the allowed timing on the promise that she’d treat me better. They sent me some material and I’ve read it, but she won’t. She said she’d read an outline, if I made one, so I’ll try that but it’s pretty lame that she read novels weekly, but won’t take 10 minutes to look over pamphlets.

It’s actually been a much healthier relationship since then, but today’s regression/aggression made me think of before and worry that my attacker my return. What can I do to make my wife see the light and error of her ways? My worst fear is her desire for babies. I fear that if she hits me, that she may hit our kids some day. Just as FYI – I’ll say, that I know she didn’t “learn” this behavior from her parents (I thought it might be childhood related, and although her mother verbally abuses her father, siblings, her and even me, none of her family members are hitters.) What can I do??

-Update: While I was writing this, I got an email from her to me at work. “Sorry about that, I just get frustrated sometimes, but I need to control my impulses. Can I make it up to you and take you to see a movie tonight?” My response will be a thank you and, “I don’t like it when you hit me.” She knows not to put it in an email what she’s apologizing about since she said if I ever tried to tell on her that she’d deny it and I wouldn’t have proof (I don’t bruise easily), and say I was the one hitting her.

I love her and want to help her, but don’t know how; please help.

My husband was physically abusive to me until our church did an intervention and even now he has problems with true accountability and owning up to his actions. If it comes up between the 2 of us, he’ll say about how I was just as abusive and how I scratched him. In my heart, I know the only time I scratched him was in self-defense. But in his eyes, I’m as abusive as he was. That is the twisted/defensive mindset of someone who has abuse problems. It’s truly sad.

All you can do is pray for your wife and I want to send confirmation to you as a second or third witness in Christ (2 Corinthians 13:1) that you have done the right thing and you have also made the correct stance in insisting your wife get treatment for her problem before she can return. That is where I went wrong and have still been the victim of continued verbal abuse (even to the point of a death threat) after the physical abuse has stopped. So, I still don’t feel truly safe in my home (other than that I know Christ will protect me, not my husband) and that’s not a good feeling to feel like your home is a prison, not a home or haven, and I still have some decisions to make about my own relationship.

But I’m at least one person that will/can confirm to you that your wife does need help and you are correct in making her get it. You should also check out Focus Ministries (the Christian site for DV) because they have tips on the kind of help physical abusers need and one of the interesting things they say is it can’t be anger management. They say anger is a separate issue. The counseling has to be addressed specifically at the abuse (not anger/addiction, etc. or other separate issues) for it to have a chance to be successful. A lot of people think it’s just anger that is the problem.

At any rate – here are the links, below, for the support groups. If you are open to suggestions for a good abuse treatment program that is probably based in sensitivity and respect and not condemnation, you might want to look at the web site for the Stepping Stones Program (5 day program) at Life Skills International. It looks like a good, solid program for abusers and it was started by a Christian man who is a reformed abuser himself and his story is quite remarkable!

http://www.batteredhusbandssupport.com/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/abusedguys/

http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/whatwedo.htm

God bless.

My son and I have gone to talk to someone. But she feels she has no problem? She did when she was put in the hospital and put all the blame on me. Then she signed her name and left and we didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. This is what I’m afraid of again. But this time if my wife leaves us I won’t let her come back until she gets help. And if she doesn’t I just want her to be happy some were else. I know in my heart it will get thrown out of court but if it was me, I would go to jail. it is a woman’s world with different laws for them. Signed, Lost and Confused Dad.

But I believe that’s because it’s such a complicated problem and the husband will usually need much, much more help than to read an article or two. He’s somehow justified in his mind, and given himself permission, to abuse his wife. That’s a pretty sick reasoning process he has going on there. It goes beyond telling someone to stop, and then expecting that he will say, “Of course, what was I thinking? Of course I’ll stop now that someone told me it is wrong. I never thought of it that way before.” Most abusers have a tangled web of thinking (or just plain reacting, without thinking) going on in their minds to get to a place of being abusive. It’s a really sick mind-set. They need a lot of intense help to de-tangle their thinking and actions.

They’re finding that even most counseling situations don’t stop the abuse. Most counselors aren’t equipped to know how to work with someone to get them to stop this kind of behavior. It usually takes a very specialized counseling program and a husband who is absolutely determined to stop.

We’ve provided a few links to some ministries and agencies that could possibly help, but beyond that and beyond providing a few articles on anger management and abuse, we’re stumped! We’d LOVE to have more resources to address abusers (hoping they would take advantage of them) but we haven’t found anything beyond what we’ve posted. But we promise that we will keep looking.

If anyone knows of something out there that is effective, we’d be thrilled to know about it — especially if it can minister to those outside of the U.S. as well, because we get so many letters from those abroad.

You’re right Anonymous, help is needed. We pray that God will show us how we can help to stop this viciousness from happening; we’re very open to suggestions.

But it sounds more to me, like you and your wife have different definitions and expectations of what should be done with the money that is being earned. If you both determine that this is the way to handle things, then that’s fine — it’s in partnership. But if one or the other of you disagrees, then you have a problem. And I can certainly see why you would have problems with this.

You either need to sit down together and work through this situation by yourselves (one time or as many times as it takes), or you need to involve some type of counselor or pastor help you to find a solution to bridge this chasm between you.

There is some type of reasoning that is going on in your wife’s mind as to why she is withholding what she earns and considers it to be “hers” and yet what you make is considered to be “both of yours.” I could speculate all day as to why this is and maybe never hit on it. Her reasoning’s could be quite innocent or quite calculating or could involve a control issue or background experience before you even met her. I don’t know.

But somehow this needs to be addressed so both of you are satisfied because resentment is building up and the marriage gap is growing bigger between you. This problem will not just go away by saying “someday” papers need to be signed and money needs to be handled differently. Make it your mission to work through this as peaceably as you can.

There is a great organization called “Crown Financial Ministries” which you can find online by going to http://www.crown.org which may be able to advise you on this. They have a lot of articles online and have financial counselors and volunteers (all over the world) that hold terrific classes where couples can attend to get more onto the same page in how they handle their finances.

We’ve known of quite a few couples that have both attended and taught these classes and they say it’s the best thing that could have happened to their finances and their marriages! Crown Ministries also has a call-in radio program that you might be able to call in to ask them what you can do (if your wife remains resistant). You can look at their web site to see what you need to do to get the advice you need.

Also, we highly respect financial counselor Dave Ramsey. He has both a radio call-in program and a television call-in program. You can access his information by going to http://www.daveramsey.com to see what you would need to do to ask the questions you have. He’s very down-to-earth in his advice, so if you need good advice, he would be a good one to ask.

Don’t let this ride. So many people allow grievances like yours to eat away at their relationship until there’s nothing left. NOW is the time to work to resolve this. Make it a mission of your marriage to disassemble the barriers between you.

Don’t come at the problem or your wife like a battering ram, but also, don’t wimp out on making sure it comes to a peaceable solution. The life of your marriage may depend upon it. Be proactive and intentional in finding a way to build bridges between you on this matter. I pray you will.