OUCH!!! If you’ve heard the words “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” said to you by your spouse, again I say …OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! There is a lot of pain that comes about as those feelings are revealed.
That phrase of, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is being said and lived out by marriage partners here, there, and everywhere we turn, it seems. It’s like a deadly plague in epidemic proportions, that is infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness, because that’s what it is.
I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage and just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him so I concluded that I wasn’t “in love” with him anymore and that this “love” would never return. I wanted out!
These feelings, or lack there-of, almost brought about the death of our marriage relationship. Thankfully, God intervened to open my eyes and then to help resurrect a new love —a true love within my heart and mind for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work) and a deep, deep love for each other.
And since that time of our “lost love”, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help someone in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you by your spouse or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will be able to benefit from what I’ve lived, learned, and want to pass along to you.
Through what I’ve experienced and have learned it has been revealed to me that:
We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone. Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience and when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to slink away and jump into the next emotional high of what “love” brings our way.
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.’” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)
Love is more than feelings. Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love, but actually what you could be experiencing is temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season that is unsustainable in the long-run without following through with decisions to help it to grow.
A great article to explain this phenomenon is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site. If you’d like to find out more about it please click onto the link below to read:
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. I can now see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else.. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love”. She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind, sleep with a shirt left behind, listen to a song that reminds you of him or her, or listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning the into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us — at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb. In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient”, “kind”, “does not envy”, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith and feet to my love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I learned that sometimes, even though the feelings of love were not there, I still needed to be loving in my actions and eventually the feelings would come along for the ride. What I did for Steve, I did “as unto the Lord” and trusted Him for the result. I needed to exercise mature love —the type that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love — and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Ferel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help. I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for —all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses and they thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well, and our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to first learn what real love was all about and to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways, learned more about my husband, worked on my own issues and became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. It means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the Christian Mommies web site, in an article you can read further and learn more by clicking onto “Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again“)
Again, something that marriage expert, Mort Ferel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir” —that you may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for you pain. It may be that you need to keep “doing” and keep asking God to show you how to endure going on without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible who probably saw no end in sight in answer to their situations despite all they had to keep doing all along their journey. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
I’m also reminded of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert and then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (even though they were discouraged more times than they could count), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold, and history records how close they came to victory, but someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. They gave up JUST before the going got good.
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. I know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect, because God ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
And then for a different twist, some ideas to pray about from an article that isn’t written from a Christian perspective (and isn’t posted on a Christian web site), but it gives you serious food for thought and something to pray about and consider when your spouse says, “I don’t love you.” Please click onto the link below to read:
• THOSE AREN’T FIGHTING WORDS, DEAR
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors that I’d like to pass along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation and then eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says “I love you but I’m not IN love with you:
“It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. …The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and/or years of lifeless marriage — a marriage that has no intimacy. …’I'm not in love with you anymore’ actually means ‘I don’t feel close to you anymore.” (Angie Lewis from the Helium.com article titled “Testimonies: Falling In and Out of Love)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” (You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
How I/we wish we could infuse new and true love in your spouse’s heart for you, and/or love in your heart for your spouse! But as much as we wish we could, we can’t.
But what we can do it point you to the One who can renew your hope, encouraging you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing and help in ways you may not be able to imagine at this time.
In closing, I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, “Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage” (that we recommend you read). It is a prayer, based on scripture that I believe God could use to help you in your situation. It’s titled “Prayer for Breakthrough in Me.” You may want to use it as an outline to pray through, for God to minister to your heart.
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should, but you can ask God to keep your heart and mind and focus centered on doing things His way, and to give you peace of mind in the process. Here’s the prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU and cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my life and in my marriage, You will never leave me or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation and especially about important aspects of my marriage. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You, for You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. I pray that You would help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psam 62:8).
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You, for I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“Even though we may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done, I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You, Holy Spirit, would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ’ for I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
The above article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
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(USA) Typically, this is the first words out of the mouths of someone who is having an affair. So if you hear them, dig deep and find out who they are “in love with” because I’d say 9 times out of 10, if you hear them, your spouse is “in love” with another.
BTDT, I heard these words from my ex-wife and sure enough, she was in an affair with a married man. The more I researched, the more I learned this is part of the wayward script.
If they are in an affair, none of the tips from any of these fine folks will help unless the spouse speaking those words ends the affair. Since you cannot do that for your spouse, you have to hope they will end the affair instead of ending the marriage.
I don’t intend to be a kill joy. However, I do want to paint a realistic picture. Most guys who hear these words will end up divorced because their wives have closed their hearts to them and opened their hearts to another man.
(LONDON, UK) Hi Tony….I am a married woman and I have said those words to my husband, but NOT because of the reasons you state.
I said that to my husband because of the pain his actions had left me in… see on our second wedding anniversary he confessed to me that he had a sexual addiction. During our whole relationship he had been going into mens public toilets and receiving oral sex from strangers, the devastation which followed was indescribable. We’re still in the process of trying to recover but we are just at the begining of that journey.
When I told him “I love you, but I’m not in in love with you”, I meant it, because I just could not feel any love in the middle of all my pain, and to be in love with him was no where within me.
What I had to do was to learn what love actually was, as it states in the above article, and to realise that actually so many people are not “in love” but loving each other every day which is soooooooooo much better.
I love my husband beyond what I can even describe, so to say I’m in love with him is just an understatement. I will love him and continue to love him till my Lord Jesus calls me home, so please don’t just think that because someone says those words they’re out there having an affair. Unfortunately yes, that is the case, but even for those who are having affairs there is a great deal of pain behind those words, and some times it’s the only way to express how they’re feeling.
I’m so sorry for what your ex-wife did to you, I more than anyone know the pain of betrayal and how empty that leaves you. What I wish people would do is to work on their marriages instead of deciding “well, I’m not in love anymore therefore it’s not worth staying” and to make it worse to run into the arms of another man. I just hope that your experience will not leave your heart closed for your future love life, may God bless you in every way
(CANADA) I’m so saddened today because I heard him say those words I am not in love with you anymore. Our marriage after 8 years have been tested in so many ways. I love him dearly and am so hurt by all of this. He says that there is no one else, but he cheated on me 6 years ago and since then his family hates me and put pressure on him to leave me everyday because I find it hard to trust him again. What do I do?
This marriage is ending and he wants out. I should have accepted his chornic use of marajuana and stop bugging him so much and maybe we would not be in this position. I feel like it is all my fault. I’m so scared of what comes next. I do not have addictions and I should have been more understanding to his. God, I’m so hurt, what do I do now?
(USA) It is definitely not your fault. I know it’s hard when you love someone to hear they want out. The mere fact that you can’t trust him makes it very hard to continue a marriage. Love is supposed to be based on trust and willingness to compromise when needed, I believe. And if he can’t even stop his chronic use of marajuana of the sake of his marriage, it is clearly HIM who has a problem and not you. I wish you well. Talking to someone always helps. Don’t be afraid to ask family or friends for help to get through this difficult situation.
(USA) You are making sense. However, when a man cheats on his wife it is showing that she cannot satisfied him sexually. Therefore, he has to go out to look for love. Would you agree with me?
(USA) No, I disagree. When a man cheats on his wife, there is something wrong with him, not his wife. Making love is not about getting yourself satisfied by satisfing your partner. Love is a commitment. If he chooses to go somewhere else it is because he is not committed to the one he has and she can feel it.
(USA) When anyone cheats, it’s likely they were not satisfied. HOWEVER, that is never a valid reason to cheat. When one said his/her vows, it was supposed to mean something. There are not valid excuses for cheating. There may be reasons why the person CHOSE to cheat. However, they were never forced and the blame for making choice falls 100% on the one choosing to cheat, no exceptions.
(USA) Not necessarily true. It may feel like this, but its not always the case. Some of us men cheat because the sex is available outside of the household. In many cases the man is not intentionally devaluing his wife, but the act of going through with the affair will cause him to devalue her over time.
It is the same if the shoe is on the other foot. Women cheat too. Many of the reasons people cheat include, greed, lack of satisfaction, availability, ego feeding, fantasy, feelings of entitlement, lust, the friends are doing it, etc, etc. I hope you don’t buy into the assumption that people cheat just because they think something is better, there are very many reasons.
(AUSTRALIA) There has been much talk of loving our spouse but not in love. I have been married now for 2 years, and my husband knew that I didn’t love or desire him in anyway even from the beginning.
I got married through pressure and fear, which I take responsibily of, but my heart is broken, and my husband and I don’t know what to do. This is my second marriage and his third marriage, and I feel that we should stay committed for the sake of our children. Any encouragement would be appreciated.
(USA) My husband and I have been separated for 5 years. He lives with another woman and her children. We do not communicate and he rarely sees his children. Is there hope for us?
(UNITED STATES) I heard my wife say these words to me. It ripped the heart out of my chest after 23 years of marriage. I love Diana with all my heart soul and mind. I fall in love with her every time I see her. She turned into a different person, truly unhappy. She is searching out happiness in others not from deep within.
We have her in counseling and hoping this helps. I am standing in my faith and God. I will not give her a divorce and place this truly in God’s hands. I thank you so much for your resource and have put a link to your site from my page http://www.troubledmarriage.org to help others.
I Love this women with all my heart and will continue to fight for her.
(UNITED STATES) I just want to say thank you for this site. Yes, like many others I have heard those same words recently and I too have delivered them as well only later realizing I was wrong. I had to repent. It doesn’t feel good being on the other side. If only I was more mature and lead a devoted life to Christ as I am now. I am grateful. God delivered me so I know he can deliver my wife and others. I love my wife greatly and I too will continue to fight for her. Love your wife as Christ loves the Church. Nothing Less…
(USA) I heard these painful words in January. I was pouring my heart an soul out to my husband on how much I appreciated him and how I felt good to actually be able to depend on someone. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years.
I asked him why he never spoke with me like that, with pouring his heart and soul out to him. I asked him if he trusted me, and he said “No”. Then the dreadful I love you but not like the same way you love me.
I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage and they are adults now. During their teenage years, they put him through hell and back. One daughter suffered from an eating disorder who clearly got more attention than my husband was getting.
Needless to say I have done some inexcusable things in the past, stashing money, giving money to my adult daughter to help her out financially when it came to my little Grandson.
Then I found out that a recent visit of his to Canada was to visit an old flame, little did I know he went to apologize for the jerk he was because she ended up pregnant and he convinced her to have an abortion. Little did I know, he was with someone when I met him. He then started engaging in an emotional affair with her over the phone and the internet. I tried contacting her and she said I needed to talk to my husband. To my surprise, he got in contact with me and we discussed the situation. To my knowledge now, she is working on trying to save her marriage. Yes, we had problems, but I know this occurring with her intensified the feelings of not wanting to try in our marriage, said he couldn’t anymore and will be moving out, but will wait until I find a job since I am unemployed.
I want to be alone for a while to sort things out. I asked him what he wanted and he said he could not see past what he wants right now because he needs to clear his mind but not sure our marriage can overcome our issues. I told him I felt he was just bailing out on the marriage, I don’t care how much you try, marriage is a constant try, try try. Now he holds it against me that he feels that he came second to my daughters. It was no secret that I had two daughters that depended on me and he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t always first on my priority list, since I was on his.
I am praying to God to give me strength and for our marriage to be able to overcome this ordeal. I cannot see my life without him. He is a good man. I do feel a bit betrayed at the same time because of secrets he kept of his past. I know it is his past but I feel these should have been shared with me also. Yet again, I am not a saint. I have made plenty of mistakes in our marriage that I wish I could go back and fix. I just know that when I got married, I was hoping to marry for life. For Better or for Worse.
Oh, not to forget, he doesnt feel it’s fair to me now to have sexual relations with me because he does not feel the same emotional connection that I have for him.
I don’t know what to do. I am trying to fight for our marriage, as he did 5 years ago because I thought that I wanted out at the time, because I did go through a period where I was not sure how I felt about him. In the end, he showed me what we had together and I stayed and never mentioned another word about leaving. I wish he would pay the same respect to me but he does not feel it is the same.
I also want to add that when I say about inexcusable actions I have made, I have never been unfaithful to my husband. He has always been the one for me and I never thought about straying even when my feelings were becoming unclear.
The problem we got into was living as You and Me, instead of US or We. Something that I am understanding now and something I want us to work towards. It just feels like he was more into me when I pushed him away than when I have really worked on our marriage to try to make him feel special to me. Just so weird to me.
(USA) Dee, I can feel your pain. It seems like you have a lot of past hurts and wounds. What I don’t think you should do is compromise who you are because you are in love with your husband. To me, the only way you can really love someone else is to love yourself first. It doesn’t sound like you are doing much loving of yourself.
My advice is to focus on mending your wounds, stay in prayer about marriage and believe that GOD will fix it. God is the author of marriage and he can turn it around. Blessings to you!
(USA) I had reached a point in my marriage where I told my husband that I was not in love with him anymore. I truly felt that the passion that I once had for him was gone. As a result, I didn’t want to sleep with my husband and came up with several excuses to get out of it.
My husband is a police officer and was caught having sex with a prostitute on the job. He has now broken our covenant, lost his job and is facing possible felony charges. He has left me to care for our children and he has no income and now it is all in my lap. I am furious.
I guess the reason for my post is to tell you that if there is anything in your marriage that is worth fighting for, to keep fighting. I felt this way at one point and then realized that the adverse effect of his actions are too much for me to forget. He jeopardized our marriage and our livelihood and has left me here to pick up the pieces. Naturally, he says that he wants to stay with me and that he loves me but that he felt rejected by me and this is the reason he sought someone else. I strongly believe that he sought someone else purely because this was his desire.
I am hurt and I have decided that I really think it is best that I move on. I feel betrayed and humiliated.
(USA) I guess I have to ask why you dismiss what your husband had to say? Your reaction kind of proves his point. He said you rejected him. So what do you do, you dismiss his answer and fill in your own reasoning, thereby proving to him that his perception is valid, he’s rejected.
It’s no excuse for his affair. But your account demonstrates exactly what your husband is/was complaining about. Perhaps you are just now feeling what he’s been feeling for a long time. Think about it.
You have every right to divorce, he was unfaithful. On the other hand, you yourself said, “if there is anything in your marriage that is worth fighting for, to keep fighting.” So is your own husband no longer of any value, or is there some value he has, other than the provider of a paycheck?
Regardless what you do, my suggestion is that you stop the mind-reading, stop the dismissal of what others have to say. If your husband says he felt rejected by you, then he felt rejected by you.
It’s still no excuse for his affair. But it is likely being open and honest with you regarding how he felt, and ironically, you rejected it. Proving his complaint is valid.
(USA) FedUp, You neglect a man or woman long enough, and ignore their needs they will end up dissapointing you. I believe you need to consider your affect in that you ignored his needs, and eventually he got caught cheating.
(USA) Daddy L, I will take 10% of the blame, however, your needs being neglected is never a justifiable reason to cheat on your spouse. There are several things that I needed and didn’t get from the marriage, yet, I didn’t commit adultery. I do appreciate your insight, but there is NEVER a justifiable reason for cheating. If someone is not getting their needs met and they feel that neglected, it is best to get out and spare the other party pain.
(USA) FedUP, I agree with you a small amount. Perhaps the man mentioned it one time and filling his needs was not important to you. However, if it was over and over and over again mentioned, and you kept thinking it is not important, then you did create the condition where cheating will be more prevalent.
Divorce is expensive, and sometimes the temporary solution to a problem is just that, temporary.
You think you can’t make someone cheat? That’s a laugh. The way this should have went down is he would have discussed what he’s not getting and you meet him closer to the middle, he should have also met you in the middle on things you said he was ignoring. But to totally not take care of your spouse because you don’t feel like it seems like a sham. That’s the same if the shoe is on the other foot.
IE: if I starve my wife of love and affection over a long period of time do I expect her not to cheat? She will cheat or leave, and first attempt to discuss this with me. I personally don’t believe there is an excuse for neglect.
In my situation she cheated and was missing nothing, she says she was experimenting – basically following behind single people. In the end I’m neglected, because she built up an ego off the cheating on me.
I don’t want to cheat, but I’m not having sex and I have zero intimacy, it is affecting my wellbeing. I want to reconcile the relationship, but she doesn’t really care… Divorce is expensive. I don’t want to cheat on her, but if there ever was a reason for it, now is the time.
(USA) Dear Daddy L, I try to stay out of this forum as much as possible so God can work through others to minister to each other. We sure don’t want it to be about the “Steve and Cindy Show” because it isn’t. But I feel prompted to say that I think you’re over-looking what this web site is about. It’s Marriage MISSIONS. It’s looking at your marriage as a mission field — to live out God’s ways and God’s love within your marriage. The aim is: “Revealing the heart of CHRIST within marriage.”
We need to get marriage back to the way God intended… not the way ushered in by the world’s standards, but God’s.
Somehow, I can’t imagine Jesus cheering you on in your comments saying, “Yeah… go for it buddy. You aren’t getting what you need, so the ends justifies the means. Get yours and forget about the standards God requires of us.”
Neither spouse should neglect the other spouse’s needs in any area of “being one” as the Bible talks about. But neither does the wrong behavior of one spouse give the other spouse the license to sin.
It’s not that you are to enable the other spouse to sin or look the other way, but you aren’t to lower God’s standards just because your spouse does.
I recommend that you do more reading of the scriptures and what God says HIS standards are for living together in this world. One article on our web site, “Scriptures and Quotes to Help You in Your Married Life” along with many, many other articles (NOT taken out of context) would be good to prayerfully read. Also, the book by Gary Thomas, titled, “Sacred Marriage” would be good to read because it might help you to see more of what God wants of us within marriage.
I hope you understand that there’s a bigger picture of what God wants us to do in and through each one of us, than to make it our focus to live our lives to get our “needs” met. They ARE important, yes. God created us with them. But they aren’t more important than living as God wants us to live… please know that. I truly wish you the best and also truly hope your wife turns her heart and life around, for her sake and for yours.
(USA) Cindy, Thanks for responding. Out of the situation I’ve been through I came out with a couple of revelations. “Selfishness has no place in a marriage”, is one of them.
It appears that the Bible is very generous toward married couples, and that while one may think that Christianity may be restrictive toward affection and love making in marriage, it seems that several verses say that this is one of the rewards of marriage. As like it’s nearly supposed to be given generously, from both sexes.
I will do my best. My spouse has said she would attend marriage counseling with me, and also I’m going to do the Retrouvaille Marriage retreat. My hope is we can return to a more fair and equitable viewpoint, which will mean both our needs will get met, and that we do acts of service for one another.
If she does not want to participate, I will analyze that and at some point will bow out. I want my children to see two parents who adore each other and who respect one another.
I am thankful for a resource such as yours, which literally returned my sanity amidst a situation which involved so many things that aren’t straightforward and logical.
I also believe outside of physical harm, that many of the husbands and wives who are mean and restrictive and controlling and not giving sex and affection are acting outside of what God intended. It is very selfish. When we say selfish for most of us it may not have a hard impact. Today that is a very powerful and negative word for me, considering what I have gone through.
(USA) Daddy L, you stated, “I also believe outside of physical harm, that many of the husbands and wives who are mean and restrictive and controlling and not giving sex and affection are acting outside of what God intended. It is very selfish. When we say selfish for most of us it may not have a hard impact. Today that is a very powerful and negative word for me, considering what I have gone through.”
I can agree with your thought to a certain extent because what I know about the LORD is that he can and will supply all my needs. When you are dealing with another person (flesh) they will always do things to disappoint. This is why I believe GOD tells us not to put our trust in man but to put our trust in HIM. In marriage when problems arise, this is the time to take it to the Lord in prayer and not in your own hands. GOD also tells us to lean not on our own understanding. Again, when you are dealing with another person (flesh) you cannot control or dictate how they will be from one moment to the next. When you speak of selfishness, to me this means being focused on yourself and disregarding the needs of the other party. It is a two way street. I am firm believer that no man or woman in marriage can truly please the other party without GOD’s help. I believe this is why he tells us not to be unequally yolked.
I strongly disagree with your notion about justifiable cheating. Adultery is talked about numerous times in the marriage and the LORD has given us a provision if this should occur. He does not say well, if you aren’t getting what you need in marriage, go ahead, sleep with someone else, you deserve it, your spouse is selfish. The Bible says that the man is the head. If the man is the head, he is responsible for what happens in the home and marriage. GOD is not only looking at the wife and saying she is selfish. GOD is saying “Husband, why is your wife selfish? Fix it”. A man cannot do this in a marriage without any God-given power or authority.
Believe it or not, everyone is guilty of being selfish at some point in their lives and marriage. It is just how the two go about fixing it. Stepping outside the marriage is never the answer. Seeking GOD’s help is.
(UNITED STATES) I say leave it to God and he will show you the way. I am in the same situation where my wife told me I love you but… I too am fighting for my 13 year marriage and have been living with my parents for 3 months. We have a 4 year old son and so far I have not seen any progress. Yes, I do hurt everyday. She told me this stupid phrase back in Nov of 09 and also said she wants a divorce and for me too move on. Is she seeing somebody? I don’t know but I can’t stay and wait to find out.
I’m doing my best to stay strong and leave my marriage problems and my wife in God’s hands and hopefully he will show her what she is doing is wrong and bring her back into my arms. The messed up part is her family. Their dog has been staying with us for 3 yrs and they are partly to blame for what is going on. Now I did make some really stupid mistakes but she does not want this life with me anymore. To make matters even worse I just recently lost my job.
Believe me, I have begged and cried to her and so far I think I have pushed her even more away because of me constantly bugging her. She hasn’t filed for divorce. I pray she will hold off a little longer and think what she is about to do. I am just going to keep praying and be strong and hope God will heal our marriage.