I would like to say that our story is about what happened in our lives before we became Christians. Unfortunately, both of us were committed Christians, but we had not been taught how to function in the most important human relationship on Earth. We were victims of a society that requires years of preparation for almost any significant career endeavor but requires no real preparation for one of the most crucial undertakings in life: marriage.
We attended church each Sunday. We believed wholeheartedly in the Bible. Yet we were racing toward marital ruin. The final hurdle in our downward slide came one evening when we were having the same old fight about unmet needs and pet frustrations for what seemed the five-hundredth time.
Karen repeatedly accused me of not loving her as much as I loved my job or golf and of not meeting her needs.
Finally, angry, hurt and defensive, I jumped to my feet, pointed a shaking finger toward our bedroom, and shouted, “Go pack your bags, and get out of this house and out of my life!”
As Karen ran out of the room sobbing, I sat down in my chair and stared at the blank television screen as if nothing had happened and as if I could not care less if something had happened. In reality, my heart was being torn in two. I didn’t want her to leave, but I did not believe I could take any more of the strife and contention if she stayed. That was one of the lowest points of my life and, without a doubt, the lowest point in our marriage.
While I recovered from the fight in the living room and contemplated my options, Karen cried in the bedroom. She felt the same as I did. She cared deeply for me and cherished many of the memories of our lives together, yet she had lost respect and much of her affection for me.
I began to rehearse what I would do and what she probably would do if we broke up. The more I thought about it, the more I hurt. I didn’t want to lose her, but I didn’t know how to keep her. Fortunately, two things happened that would be instrumental to the healing and restoration of our marriage:
I broke. For the first time ever, I realized that I was wrong and could see how bad of a husband I was. It was like scales fell from my eyes and I could see myself as I really was —a very selfish and dominant man.
Also, for the first time, I humbled myself and confessed my weakness and need for God’s help.
For years, I had been unwilling to accept responsibility for any of the problems with our marriage. When Karen and I fought, I always found a way to make it look as if it were her fault. But that evening, I was overwhelmed with the reality that I didn’t know how to be a husband. This realization was a stark contrast to the overbearing arrogance and chauvinism that had characterized my life up to this moment.
As the truth concerning our problems began to sink into my heart, I was reminded of a Scripture concerning the Holy Spirit that I had read just that morning.
But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you (John 14:26, NIV).
As clearly as my own shortcomings were being exposed that evening the Lord spoke to my heart that He was the solution. Through the Lord bringing this verse to my mind, I began to realize that He was present in my life to teach me all things.
Those two words, all things, kept echoing through my mind until they finally sunk in. If the Holy Spirit was sent to teach me all things, then He could teach me how to be a husband!
So, first of all, I understood the reality that He was with me to help me. Then, second, I asked Him to teach me. By faith, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me be the husband I needed to be. Alone in the living room, I got out of my chair and fell to my knees.
“Holy Spirit,” I whispered, choked with emotion, “Jesus said He sent You to teach His followers all things. I am asking You to show me how to be a husband, because I don’t know how, and no one has ever taught me. Please help me to learn to love Karen as I should. I am so sorry for all of the things I have done to damage our marriage and her. Please forgive me, and help me. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
As I got up and sat down again in my chair, I knew something was happening within me. It was not some hyper-spiritual or “spooky” experience. Nevertheless, something was happening inside me. I was not only recognizing how wrong I had been in our marriage but, also, I was willing to admit it. That was a miracle!
God began a work that night of bringing truth and humility into my heart, preparing me to learn what He was about to teach me.
…He revealed to me that I had misplace the priority of my precious wife in my life and that our marriage was in danger as a result.
One of the first things God told me to do for the healing of our marriage was to repent to Karen for the way I had treated her. I didn’t hear an audible voice, but I did hear God speak clearly to my heart. There was no mistake: I had put myself, my job and golf above Karen.
After I repented, I went into the bedroom where she was still crying. Because never before had I admitted that I was wrong about anything in our relationship, I am sure she thought I was coming to finish the fight or to make another point in the argument. So she immediately was on guard when I entered the room.
I walked over to the bed where she was lying and knelt down next to her. “I need to talk to you,” I said.
She wiped her swollen eyes with a tissue and asked defensively, “What about?”
“About what I’ve been doing wrong in our marriage,” I replied. That got her attention instantly!
I told her the Lord had shown me that I had been wrong for not putting her first in my life. I repented of laziness toward the relationship and of my selfishness. Then I asked her forgiveness and told her I was hanging up my golf clubs (which I did for several years).
She cried as I repented, and she forgave me. Then she confessed her own shortcomings and sins toward me and repented of her actions and attitudes. Of course, I also forgave her.
Since that night, we have never forgotten the importance of keeping each other first.
I can state without a doubt that every year of our marriage since then has been better than the year before. We are much more in love today, and we know how to love one another better than we did on our honeymoon. That is how God intended marriage to be.
The above testimony comes from the book “Marriage on the Rock” written by Jimmy and Karen Evans, published by Regal. Jimmy is the senior pastor of an interdenominational church with more than 8000 members. He hosts, together with his wife Karen, a nationally broadcast television program called MarriageToday, and have founded a national marriage ministry based in Dallas, Texas. Jimmy writes,
“The contents of this book are a result of what God has shown Karen and me about marriage. In this spiritual-education process, God healed our marriage and gave us a love for one another far beyond any we had ever known or imagined. Today, after more than 33 years of marriage, not only are we deeply in love, but we also understand how to stay in love. We have learned how to meet one another’s needs as we walk through life’s seasons and challenges.”
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(USA) I am overcome with emotions as I read this testimony. It’s as if he is telling the story of my marriage. Our short and broken marriage of just a year seems like we are on a slippery downward spiral to the point of no return. I love my husband and I want our marriage to work for God’s glory. But it’s disheartening to be the only one working to keep it together.
Unfortunately, my husband does not participate in our marriage emotionally, spiritually, financially or otherwise. He literally sleeps, showers, eats and leaves to return at any point in the night. He blows off all my attempts to talk. I think the biggest shock for me was his lack of engagement with the Body of Christ or Christ himself. I am completely shocked that he doesn’t spend time with God nor in local church fellowship. However, he spends quite a bit of time at bars, returning home early in the morning intoxicated.
I’ve argued with him, insulted him, asked him to leave, proposed divorce all in rage and anger. I’ve also tried to apologize and be reconciled to him for my part in the discord of our marriage. However, he believes forgiveness is not given when we knowingly sin. He doesn’t feel he’s responsible for any of the discord in our marriage. The main issue, according to him, is that I don’t submit to him and allow him to be the head of his family. Even my requests for him to define what this means are met with insults and then the silent treatment.
His approach paralyzes all attempts for communication and reconciliation. I no longer grovel like before. I am filled with doubts if I heard God about marrying him. I feel hopeless at times. I am sorely angry for his lack of financial contributions and not disclosing what he earns. We are in trouble. I’ve prayed like crazy and it seems to get worse than better. I stopped going to counseling (he won’t go). As I read this I know it can be turned around. I just need more grace to trust God that it can be done for me. And I need more grace to be patient in the middle of my own heartbreak, disappointment, anger and wanting to quit. Thanks for sharing your testimony.
(ZIMBABWE) The above story is a mirror image of my marriage in hell. l fell in love with a gorgeous, sensitive, and loving man who has turned into the most abusive animal you can think of. We now have separate bedrooms and don’t talk at all. He looks at me as if l make him want to vomit and says our marriage is a thorn in his side. l used to fight him but now l have realised how golden silence is and keep it that way. l am no longer in love with him and l think he feels the same way too.
I’ve lived with him thru joblessness, affairs with neighbors’ wives and him impregnating another girl. l am tired of being called a witch, a whore, and an ingrate. He hates my little sister and talks badly about my parents’ home. l am tired of praying and am just looking at the situation. l have given up.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so glad for the above mentioned couple that they had the opportunity to resolve their problems and be happier than ever. I take courage in the fact that God will also come through for my husband and me as I am also going through a marriage upheaval as my husband has moved out for the same reason. I was self absorbed and did not do anything to maintain a successful marriage. I was more concerned with the home affairs and my daughter’s well being.
I also had the experience where God had to show me how wrong I was in all of this. He is also taking me through a time where He is teaching me how to be a better wife to my husband. This time is really needed, but I just miss my husband so much. All I can do now is trust that all this will work for our good.
(USA) I too have a similar problem in my marriage. I placed all of my energy into the physical side on maintaining the family and household while my wife cared for her ailing mother. I failed to take care of myself or my wife’s emotional needs. I drank too much and after 27 years I physically hit her. She has filed for a divorce. I don’t think it’s about the fight; it’s about the state that our relationship had evolved to.
I sought help and quit drinking. I realize that she is the priority of my life and my soul mate. We have been separated for 20 weeks. She doesn’t want to be married anymore. I do. I pray; I try my best to stay positive. CAN SOMEONE HELP?
(KENYA) I have become so bitter and hopeless with my marriage that even reading this does not soften my heart! I have cried, I have prayed… and things seem to work, but only for a short while. My feeling is that I can live with any problem, but infidelity. My husband has cheated me more times than I can remember and it has reached a point where I look at him and feel disgust and hate for him.
In my community, marriage is like for keeps, and infidelity is more or less accepted as ‘normal for men’. Our biggest problem is the infamous communication. While I like to talk through every issue, my husband fears confrontation and assumes that as long as a matter is not discussed, it does not exist.
I feel so torn and trapped. Things will never change, cos while I’m shouting about one affair, he is already in the next one. I want to provide a stable home for my children but I keep thinking that I cannot live all my life like this. I even feel tired of praying, it’s like every time he travels I pray that he does not get into any mischief. I mean, isn’t that too much work?
I have stopped shouting or asking him anything. We share a bed but are complete strangers. Every time we try to have a discussion, it gets into an argument cos he will put the blame on me and just dismiss everything I say.
(KENYA) Thanks for sharing the above testimonies. I am encouraged to hang on by these but at times I wonder for how long. First of all, my marriage was smooth at first until something went wrong and he became so violent and sexually humiliating me physically.
I left after that incident but returned to take care of his ailing mum but after a while I couldn’t take more pressure and found myself packing and I just left. I stayed away for many days though his mums condition kept deteriorating and when I had that I wanted to go back to take care of her but this wasn’t easy as he kept me away with the excuse that I had to let her get better so that we can talk and seek forgiveness for having walked out on her. But unfortunately she passed on.
I was only able to attend to her funeral. After all this we were able to sit down with my best maid and her husband for reconciliation and we did for the sake of the children but this was not his wish.
He gave a car he had bought for me to his girlfriend and he rarely comes home. And if he does, he comes very late and into my bedroom (as we sleep in different rooms) says all the bad words to me like how I don’t add value to my children and to him and demands to have his bed made (since he locks it and only opens it when he returns). After making his bed then he forces me into sex which makes me feel sick emotionally…
I don’t know if I am to carry on until he is tired or separate from him but all I do is just pray. By the way, he says that I never cared for his mum and so I should suffer as she did. Please assist me. Thanks.
(KENYA) Thanks for sharing the above story. Am going through a similar situation in my marriage. I have been married for 6 years to a husband who doesn’t care at all about me. He drinks and he has put his friends number one in his life. He is a liar, comes home late and whenever I raise any issues with him all he says ‘it is not my wish, its the devil’. I try all means to talk to him promising to change, but he never changes.
I feel so lonely because we have no children, maybe if we had, they could cheer me up knowing that I have to care for them. I have been praying for all these years, but no change. Now I feel like life has no meaning for me and that God has put a deaf ear to my prayers. I don’t know what to do now. PLEASE HELP.
(USA) After 11 years of being married it has finally hit me what my wife has been saying for years. I didn’t show her enougn attention and lied to her over stupid stuff. Now she has nothing to do with me. I am the end of my road. What can be done if anything to save my marriage? Please pray for me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been with my husband now also for 11 years & I have found out that he was having a telephonic relationship with my previous nanny for several months. I am also trying to forgive & forget, but it is so difficult. There is no more communication between us any more as I keep bringing this topic up. He gets so angry with me for that, so I was also thinking of maybe moving on. This situation is haunting me at the moment. I can’t even sleep at night or even eat food. Have any advice for me.
(ZAMBIA) Why have marriages become a nightmare? This makes me conclude that maybe we marry for the wrong reasons or with high expectations so much so that when we discover that our beau or princess is just an ordinary person we freak out, hoping to be happier outside the marriage. DEAD WRONG.
We need to define who we are before we make this life-long commitment. If we are not happy with ourselves as individuals no one will ever make us happy, not even our spouse. Secondly, we need to be selfless with our love i.e. to love unconditionally. Since we come from different backgrounds, with different values we tend to look at issues from a different perspective from our spouses. Therefore it is up to us to find out what values have been imparted to our partner from his/her family, etc.
I’ve been widowed for the past 9 years and would love to re-marry but the stories I’m reading above makes me wonder whether or not it will be a worth while venture. May God help mend all the ailing marriages.
(USA) Hi Felicia, You are absolutely right on with your conclusions about marrying for the wrong reasons and the high (and disillusioned) expectations people are placing on marriage — plus the unrealistic dreams they have about what it is all about.
You place upon all of that, the fact that commitment to each other and commitment to staying in a marriage and working things out is at an all-time low — with finding new “soul mates” with others and divorcing being the new “solution” for solving problems so one can “move on” with their life… and you have the mess we have in marriage relationships today.
I recently read, “There are two key predictors of a resilient relationship, experts say: mutual support and a willingness to sacrifice.” As I read that I thought how true that is. Couples are marrying for the wrong reasons and they also aren’t being as careful as they should be to make sure those character traits are within BOTH of them. They say that a marriage becomes as strong as the least emotionally and morally healthy person in it, and we’ve sure seen that to be true. Oh how we wish we could shout it from the housetops so all could hear, “Be careful; beware; study each other and marriage and God’s principles more before marrying!”
Christ can help couples learn how to live a life of sacrifice, as well as being mutually and morally supportive, but people are blind to applying these principles within their marriage relationships. Oh how God must cry over this!
I also read about a group of marriage experts that were asked the following question: “What do you think is the best piece of advice for a long and healthy marriage?” Their conclusion: “Have a long-term view: It’s like investing in the stock market, you can’t pull your money out as soon as it dips.” But the problem is that people are pulling out too fast and they aren’t willing to mutually make the sacrifices it takes to make a marriage a good one.
As author and counselor Norm Wright said, “Marriage is more than sharing a life together; it’s building a life together. What you do now is for both, and what is said now is for both. What your purpose is now is for the kingdom and giving glory to the image of God.” People just aren’t getting it that marriage requires more of them than living for their own personal edification and happiness. There is a lot of sacrifice, maturity, and stead-fast commitment required to build a good and happy marriage.
I also read this past week about a discussion marriage experts had that “revolved simply around whether one could learn how to have a happy marriage. With national statistics showing that 50% of first marriages will end in divorce, it begs the question whether couples can learn to strengthen their marriage, or if they must simply rely on luck and hope that they and their spouse can learn to get along on their own.
“The conclusion was that clearly happy marriages don’t just happen, couples can learn how to be more fulfilled and at peace in their marriages. They just sometimes need some guidance. The real trick over time is to change the culture within our society from one of discarding marriages because couples have ‘fallen out of love’ to one of committing to marriage and learning how to make each one stronger even through difficult periods.”
So you can see Felicia, that you are right about marriages becoming nightmares. They are man-made nightmares because God’s principles aren’t being lived out within homes as they should be. But please don’t let that disillusion you that things can’t turn around, or that you can’t someday remarry and have a good life together, because it IS possible. We live it; we see it in many homes; and we know it is possible — with God ALL things are possible.
It’s just that couples have to be more intentional, getting their heads out of the clouds or wherever they are, as far as what they expect and are willing to bring into marriage. They/we are to LIVE Christ, first as growing and healthy individuals and then together– the way God intends — revealing the heart of Christ with the way we live together.
Please pray for the ministry of Marriage Missions. We are trying to help couples get a clue as to how to make their marriages reflect God’s heart and plan for their lives together. Many get it, but even more don’t… so there is a desperate need.
As a matter of fact, we’re in the gathering stage of preparing to start a new section of the web site titled “Single, but Preparing” to help educate those who hope someday to marry but want to approach it in a godly, healthy way. It takes a lot of work (and will take even more to maintain it) but it’s SO needed!
Thank you Felicia for your thoughts. How we pray more people understand what you are saying in your comment. It’s really true.