“When you marry the person, you also marry the family.” That’s a familiar saying which holds a lot of truth that needs to be paid attention to—particularly before marriage. As author Bobb Biehl says:

“With the life mate decision, you’re not only marrying a person of the opposite sex, you’re determining: your future mother-in-law; your future father-in-law; your children’s grandparents; your children’s other parent; your future nieces and nephews, and all of the rest of your in-laws; where you and your children, will likely spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for the next 50+ years.”

All of this and so much more should be discussed before you start your life together as husband and wife. After-all if you want to build a building (like a home), shouldn’t you first sit down and “consider the cost” ahead of time? (See Luke 14:28-30.) But what can you do now—even if it wasn’t discussed before you said, “I do?”

First, don’t delay in starting to discuss this any longer (even if you’ve been married for a number of years). It’s vitally important that you approach each other’s family in a way that indicates “you’re on the same page” so it doesn’t drive a wedge between you. We’ve seen this happen all too often.

Second, open or re-open the lines of communication in this area of your lives, as you need to, so you can eventually come to an agreement upon how you’re going to approach any “in-law” situations that can potentially cause disharmony in your relationship with each other. Third, talk to each other about any boundaries that need to be set and enforced with your families — even if it’s long over-due. It’s better to correct a long-overdue situation now than to allow it to continue to hurt your relationship in the present and future.

For the rest of this message, we’d like to share some excerpts from a magazine article that was written in Marriage Partnership magazine several years ago called: “In-Law Tug-of-War.” The author is Ingrid Lawrenz and we think you’ll benefit from what she has to say on this subject:

Why is it so difficult to find comfortable arrangements with parents, in-laws and other members of your extended family? The idea of leaving your childhood family to unite with your spouse sounds perfectly reasonable. And you’d think making a fresh start free from outside interference would be a joyful adventure.

In practice, though, this process often seems more like you’re forming a new mega-family that includes parents, in-laws and, come to think of it, your spouse too. Before spouses can form their own independent family, they have to renegotiate relationships with parents and extended family. And since those bonds took years to form, the process of breaking away to create a new family isn’t complete after the first year, or the fifth. It’s an ongoing task.

The first few years of marriage bring adjustments that neither spouse anticipated. And one of the thorniest is also one of the least expected: the multiple influences of families in which each partner was raised. It’s essential to recognize your in-laws’ customs, and even more important to determine how your own family will function.

The act of leaving parents to unite with your mate, described in Genesis 2:24, implies that newlyweds are no longer bound by old family rules and expectations. Your first loyalty, under God, is to your partner. Since it’s impossible to please every parent and every in-law every time, it makes sense to base decisions on what you believe to be fair and appropriate as a couple.

A typical beginning point is the question of holiday visits. Often, there’s a blind defensive loyalty to one’s own family. For that reason, a new spouse can be seen as a critical intruder. So begin by frankly acknowledging each family’s traditions and desires.

It would be easy to read a new son- or daughter-in-law’s departure from the “norm” as a rejection of the time-honored tradition. So it’s crucial that you prepare your family for some changes and offer an explanation so your spouse won’t come across as the “bad guy.”

To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to working out differences. [We hope you’ll read and re-read this suggestion—it’s an important one. One of the greatest hindrances to marriage is the failure to leave our mother and father — and that includes emotionally. From the moment we say “I do”, our first loyalty, under God, is to our spouse.

The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 that we’re to “protect” each other. One way to do that is to take care of our own parents and relatives and how they relate to our mate. We need to be loyal to our mate and lovingly protect them from being misunderstood. Don’t leave them “on their own” to defend themselves. Instead, show your love for your partner by being the one to deal with your family members.]

Also remember to keep your relationship with each set of parents separate and positive. Avoid making comparisons. One set of parents doesn’t need to know everything the other is doing, such as how much time you spend with them or what they buy for you.

Work at being your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their ‘baby’ away from them. If they hear about your spouse’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. However, don’t hesitate to turn to parents for help if serious problems arise such as drug, alcohol or physical abuse.

Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to accept your in-laws for who they are. They may be very different from your parents, but different isn’t the same as wrong. And each time you and your mate work together to resolve a family conflict, you (potentially) establish yourself as a respected adult in the eyes of your parents and in-laws. [And even if your relatives don’t perceive it that way, you’ve done what you know you’re to do in the eyes of God.]

God simply asks this: ‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone’ (Romans 12:18). It helps to remember that before God you’re responsible for how you talk to and behave toward your in-laws. You’re not responsible for how they talk to or treat you.

You’ll find that “the covenant of marriage involves a lifelong, commitment to your spouse and to his or her family. Sometimes it’s easy and comfortable, other times it’s more like loving your enemy. But, Christian faith is acted out in how we love others. In the early years, you establish the pattern for your new family by setting boundaries, making clear your allegiance to your spouse, and doing what you can to initiate an adult-to-adult relationship with your parents and in-laws.

The middle years give you a chance to build on what you establish early in your marriage. When you have children, grandparents get more involved in your life. That’s the time to redefine the boundaries with parents and in-laws. The later years of marriage benefit from the values you have chosen to uphold. By continuing to live according to your shared priorities, you will find appropriate ways to care for your parents and in-laws as they grow old and need more of your assistance.

Keep in mind, “your spouse is the only family member you can actually choose, but their family comes as part of the deal. Living in peace with your in-laws can be one of the most rewarding relationships you’ll ever invest in.”

With thanks to Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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