Use the following questions to initiate conversations and exploration. Take time to sit down privately and answer the questions. Then sit down with your prospective mate and go on an expedition together. Your talking probably will stimulate more questions. Share your feelings as much as possible. Have your partner reflect back to you what he (or she) has heard you say.

Finally, discuss ways you can compromise and come to a better understanding about how you both want these areas in your relationship changed or improved. [You should do this immediately after you answer each question with your prospective mate so you don't get sidetracked away from discussing this for your future lives together.]

Be specific and set some goals.

Dealing With Conflict:

• How did your parents deal with conflict?

• When conflict arose in your family, what happened (silence, withdrawal, explosive anger, open discussion, etc.)?

• How as conflict resolved?

• Did one parent always seem to “win in the end?”

Parenting:

• How was love demonstrated in your family of origin?

• How were you disciplined?

• Was the discipline harsh or suited to the offense?

• Did you live up to your parents’ expectations?

Finances:

• How did you learn about money management?

• Who took primary responsibility for money matters in your home?

• What significant patterns do you have today that reflect your family’s view of finances?

• What was your family’s philosophy or motto regarding money (not what was said, but what was lived)?

Sex:

• Was appropriate physical affection shown in your family?

• Was sex a taboo subject?

• How were nudity and sexual issues handled?

• What was the underlying tone in your home regarding sex and your sexuality?

Communication:

• Was it safe to talk about feelings?

• Who was the communicator in your family?

• Were you expected to “read minds?”

• Could you express your emotional needs and receive a proper response?

In-Laws/Extended Family:

• What role did your grandparents play in your family?

• Was family loyalty important?

• Were there family secrets that were forbidden subjects?

• Who, besides your parents, could you go to for support and understanding?

Recreation:

• Was having fun as a family “legislated” in your home?

• Did you vacation as a family?

• Was it an enjoyable experience?

• What family activities stand out in your mind?

• Was recreation a leisurely experience or just another arena for competitiveness?

Spiritual:

• How was God’s character portrayed in your family?

• Was tradition more important than true relationship with God?

• What one significant message about yourself and about God did you come out of childhood believing?

• Do you feel a true sense of God’s acceptance and love?

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The above questions come from the book, “WHEN VICTIMS MARRY-Building a Stronger Marriage by Breaking Destructive Cycles” by Don and Jan Frank, published by Here’s Life Publishers. Unfortunately this book is no longer in print so unless you can find a used book somewhere it would be almost impossible to obtain it. However, you can visit their web site to see other materials they do have available by going to www.janfrank.org

We want to thank the authors Don and Jan Frank for being so open and candid in sharing their stories and reaching out to help others who are victimized in their earlier years which can deeply affect their marriages. As Don and Jan demonstrate by the testimony of healing in their lives, you CAN reach out for healing and help so you don’t have to live as victims for the rest of your lives. What the enemy of our faith causes for harm, God can redeem for good!