-By Cindy Wright
The question was posed to us if flirting on the internet, by someone who is married, considered cheating. Here’s a portion of the answer I gave:
If someone is married, why would they think it’s permissible to flirt with anyone other than with their spouse? Not only are they putting themselves into a vulnerable situation where they can fall into temptation (even if they “fool” themselves into thinking they can’t be tempted— “fool” is the operative word here) but they’re playing with the emotions of someone else who shouldn’t be flirting back with someone who is married. It’s called being a “stumbling block” in tempting them to sin.
That other person may not know the person who is flirting with them is married. So, what if they build up romantic feelings for the flirting married person and they eventually find out that this person is married, is that fair? It puts them into a place of pain as they then have to make the decision to tear their heart away from someone they care for or they end up participating in cheating — either way, they lose.
I sure wouldn’t want that done to me if I were single! And I think the person who is flirting should consider that other persons’ feelings also. That’s really being cruel and inhumane to have so little compassion on the feelings of others — to be so insensitive that they would consider doing that to them!
I’m reminded of the Pharaoh of Egypt in Genesis 12 when Abram allowed his wife to be passed off as an unmarried woman and Pharaoh took her into his palace. It says in verse 17, “But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. ‘What have you done to me?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister, so I took her to be my wife’?”
One can argue that the circumstances went a step further than flirting. But it still comes down to one person contributing to another person sinning, and innocent people are hurt in the process.
Also the Bible talks about the fact that if we do something in our thoughts it’s the same as actually doing the deed itself. Flirting is being sexual in your attitude and/or words, so it doesn’t leave out the fact that this is defiling the Marriage Bed — which the Bible warns us against doing!
And even if the flirting spouse was up front with the fact that they were married, they’re contributing to another person sinning. If someone flirts with someone who is married, they’re guilty of trespassing into that marriage. They have no business flirting with someone else’s spouse.
So… tempting someone to flirt with you when you’re married is causing them to sin. Is that something we should do — contribute to tempting someone else to sin? Would that spouse want that to be done to their daughter or son? God doesn’t want it done to His either.
And even if you put all of this aside, what about the other spouse who has their marital partner flirting with someone else? How is this cherishing and honoring them (as the flirting partner promised in their wedding vows to do)? How is this “forsaking all others” as promised in the wedding vows? How does this make the faithful spouse feel? I can tell you that it hurts into the core of their being! How is that humane?
It takes an insensitive and/or immoral person to do that to someone else! We’re to be different than the animals. Being creatures of compassion is a large part of what separates us from the animals. I don’t see much compassion in this situation. It sounds more cruel to me!
It all comes down to making the choice of being a promise-keeper or being someone who only cares about themselves —that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. THAT’S what the person is deciding when they flirt with someone else who isn’t their spouse — whether it’s on the internet or elsewhere.
Just because it’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean that integrity is supposed to be removed from our actions. Integrity is who you are, and what you do, when no one else is looking but God. And flirting outside of marriage screams against being a person of integrity — it says, “I’m self-centered and I don’t care who I hurt in the process! What I want is what’s important here!”
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(UNITED STATES) I completely agree with everything you wrote.
(USA) I’m married and just found out my husband has been flirting with this girl on myspace, but she’s actually a friend of one of his friends. It really does hurt when you are the 100 Percent faith spouse. What he has done is WRONG and totally against everything we vowed to. I don’t know if its an ego thing or what, but whatever it is…it hurts really bad and is dishonest. And I’m to the point where I’m loosing trust.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m so sorry to what your husband is doing. Is your husband born again? I know what you’re going through and pray that GOD remains in the center of your marriage. Just stay in prayer and tell your husband what it’s doing to you.
(USA) Please give me some advice… I’ve been with my fiancee for two years now. I was browsing "myspace" and to my surprise I found a picture of him in his brother’s birthday party/Halloween party (10/27/07). In this picture he is standing between two girls dressed all sleazy (sexy Halloween costumes). I chose not to go with him to the party. But now I regret not going. In the picture there is one girl behind him with one arm around his waist then there’s another girl in front of him. She’s bending forward and her behind is facing his front…can you picture that? I was so hurt and upset. I confronted him and he said "nothing happened…he was drinking a lot. But that nothing ever happened. He says that he loves me and wants to marry me and that no one could ever replace me. He sounds really remorseful but then again… I don’t know if I should trust him… I broke up w/him… what should I do??
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband has moved out of the house and has been gone now for three months. This final separation is the result of a previous affair and then his "flirting on the internet" which caused me such unbelievable heartache.
We had just completed marriage counseling and had made a re-commitment to each other when this past school girl and neighbor friend made contact on "Face Book." At first I was not at all worried (after all she lives in New Zealand and we live in South Africa) but watched in dismay at the intensity of this relationship growing. Contact on "face book" was no longer good enough so the daily e-mails began. SMSing then began and followed by daily phone calls.
I tried explaining to my husband the hurt he was causing me and that this kind of flirting was wrong. He said that he could not understand my jealousy and I had no reason to object- this was his private life and he needed some space. Needless to say here we are, separated and my husband is in the process of planning his escape to New Zealand to meet up with this lady and there is talk of two divorces and marriage.
God has been by my side over the last few months. I have put my trust in the Lord and no matter what happens I Know there is a plan for me.
I would like to warn anybody out there who reads this letter to know that internet flirting is dangerous and hurtful. It can and does break marriages up. Beware the devil is watching and knows just how to trick you.
(USA) I am totally hating facebook right now. I resent the female relationships my husband has created for himself. The one’s he has forsaken our vows for. I will never take part in that kind of drama again.
Rose, I will pray for you Sister… I know how much you are hurting and I believe that nothing good will come out of your husbands lies. He will be held accountable to God.
What people don’t realize when they mingle with the opposite sex in this way is that they are betraying the very covenant they made with the Father… They are only causing more pain and misery upon themselves… You can’t serve God and lust… It’s impossible… And God will not bless it in anyway…
(USA) My husband had an affair. We are trying to work out our marriage. Now he has a myspace and talks to other women. I know he is saying things about me and telling them lies about us. He says that there is nothing wrong with talking to them but he is flirting with them. This is the same as cheating.
(USA) Hi, Jessica… cheaters seem to have it in their hearts, but that does not mean they can not change. If you want a man to change their cheating habit, you have to leave them. Then if they want you back, they have to prove themselves. I am sorry to say, but there is NO other way with men because of their make-up. They will always take advantage if that is in their nature. Now… you are not married yet, so I would just leave him and let it go, if you have no children with him. I personally will not tolerate it, and will move on like there was nothing there between us, if that ever happens in my marriage. Of course, women cheat, too… but dealing with us is quite different.
(USA) Well, I’m not married or engaged or anything like that. I’m just 15 but have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for the past year. He physically cheated on me about 4 or 5 months into the relationship and now he’s just started talking to this girl over myspace and text messaging. He’s never met her before and she lives in a different state. But I was reading through his texts and he was telling her she has a hot body and nice legs and thighs and that he has dreams about her and that she’s so pretty and smart and he thinks she’s an amazing dancer and they send pics. His inbox had over 900 messages from her in the last week so I couldn’t read them all so who knows what else he’s saying. Anyway I was jw… is this normal behavior for guys that girls shouldn’t worry about? Or is it considered cheating?
(USA) Hi Megan, You ask if your boyfriend’s behavior is cheating, and whether this is normal behavior for guys… the answer is yes and no. He is cheating on you if you both have an understanding that you are to be exclusive in your relationship. The fact that you call this a "serious relationship" tells me that you have stronger feelings about the seriousness of your relationship than he does. Someone who is "serious" does not do what he is doing to you in relating as he is to other gals.
If this were my boyfriend, I would run… not walk away and never return — no matter what excuse he gives. But of course, this is your decision. This guy has dishonored you and has put his "needs" above being considerate of someone he claims to care for — that is an integrity issue. From what I can see, your heart will continue to get trampled on more and more as he runs over you to find more thrills with other gals in the future. Please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way. You are not married to this person… so you do not have a marriage covenant partnership with him to work through issues.
As for the chase he is making toward other gals, this is sadly pretty normal for a lot of guys in today’s world because boundaries have been lowered and blatant pursuit for sexual action is considered normal. Yes, their testosterone levels are higher at this age, and that’s a tough thing. But no… that doesn’t mean that they have to act out in this way. They do it because they can.
I pray you will take yourself out of this game. You are created to be more than a piece of meat to be groped at and treated in such a manner. Sex is great… but not pre-mature sex delivered by someone who doesn’t respect you enough to commit himself exclusively to you for life.
I hope you will read through the "Sex before Marriage" section to see part of the reason why restraint is important. There is a soul tie that still happens when we allow ourselves to open the gift of sex prematurely to someone other than our spouse — a tie that is supposed to be exclusive with our spouse. God created us that way. Tragically, too many of us are leaving bits and pieces of ourselves with others and it is causing a world of emotional and spiritual damage as a result.
There are a few web sites that you might find helpful as a young person. One of them is Boundless.org and another is Crosswalk.com/singles and also Growthtrac.com and go into their “Singles and Dating” section or their “Community” section. I think these web sites might help you to work through various issues as a teen. I hope they help!