-By Cindy Wright
The question was posed to us if flirting on the internet, by someone who is married, considered cheating. Here’s a portion of the answer I gave:
If someone is married, why would they think it’s permissible to flirt with anyone other than with their spouse? Not only are they putting themselves into a vulnerable situation where they can fall into temptation (even if they “fool” themselves into thinking they can’t be tempted— “fool” is the operative word here) but they’re playing with the emotions of someone else who shouldn’t be flirting back with someone who is married. It’s called being a “stumbling block” in tempting them to sin.
That other person may not know the person who is flirting with them is married. So, what if they build up romantic feelings for the flirting married person and they eventually find out that this person is married, is that fair? It puts them into a place of pain as they then have to make the decision to tear their heart away from someone they care for or they end up participating in cheating — either way, they lose.
I sure wouldn’t want that done to me if I were single! And I think the person who is flirting should consider that other persons’ feelings also. That’s really being cruel and inhumane to have so little compassion on the feelings of others — to be so insensitive that they would consider doing that to them!
I’m reminded of the Pharaoh of Egypt in Genesis 12 when Abram allowed his wife to be passed off as an unmarried woman and Pharaoh took her into his palace. It says in verse 17, “But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. ‘What have you done to me?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister, so I took her to be my wife’?”
One can argue that the circumstances went a step further than flirting. But it still comes down to one person contributing to another person sinning, and innocent people are hurt in the process.
Also the Bible talks about the fact that if we do something in our thoughts it’s the same as actually doing the deed itself. Flirting is being sexual in your attitude and/or words, so it doesn’t leave out the fact that this is defiling the Marriage Bed — which the Bible warns us against doing!
And even if the flirting spouse was up front with the fact that they were married, they’re contributing to another person sinning. If someone flirts with someone who is married, they’re guilty of trespassing into that marriage. They have no business flirting with someone else’s spouse.
So… tempting someone to flirt with you when you’re married is causing them to sin. Is that something we should do — contribute to tempting someone else to sin? Would that spouse want that to be done to their daughter or son? God doesn’t want it done to His either.
And even if you put all of this aside, what about the other spouse who has their marital partner flirting with someone else? How is this cherishing and honoring them (as the flirting partner promised in their wedding vows to do)? How is this “forsaking all others” as promised in the wedding vows? How does this make the faithful spouse feel? I can tell you that it hurts into the core of their being! How is that humane?
It takes an insensitive and/or immoral person to do that to someone else! We’re to be different than the animals. Being creatures of compassion is a large part of what separates us from the animals. I don’t see much compassion in this situation. It sounds more cruel to me!
It all comes down to making the choice of being a promise-keeper or being someone who only cares about themselves —that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. THAT’S what the person is deciding when they flirt with someone else who isn’t their spouse — whether it’s on the internet or elsewhere.
Just because it’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean that integrity is supposed to be removed from our actions. Integrity is who you are, and what you do, when no one else is looking but God. And flirting outside of marriage screams against being a person of integrity — it says, “I’m self-centered and I don’t care who I hurt in the process! What I want is what’s important here!”
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(JAMAICA) I think "Flirting" is considered as cheating. As defined in the dictionary "Flirting" means having sexual attraction with the opposite sex or even so, same sex. "Cheating" is defined as having sexual intercourse with a individual who is not your partner. Why would someone flirt? Why not flirt with your partner? Can someone answer this question, please?
(SA) I think I came here looking for answers only to discover there are many of us out there who have the same challenges.
I am at the point of considering divorce because I don’t think I can take it anymore. I have been married for two years but dated my husband for four years before that. If am honest with myself, all along our courtship and marriage, my husband has been flirting with other women. At first I thought this would stop and gave it time but six years down the line it gets worse.
We are currently working in different countries and I recently discovered that he has been sex-texting grossly with his colleague. There are other many incidences that we have had and I can count about 10 of those which I have confronted him about. He always says it is the usual flirting and there is nothing to read. He actually turns the heat on me as to why I go through his text messages and all.
I know I have lost trust in him… our marriage/relationship has changed. Please tell me what to do. Am I being paranoid? Each time I confront him he makes promises he never keeps. I’m hurting so bad and I have reached the point of saying I don’t want to live like this again. I want it to end.
(CANADA) It’s not easy to tell of someone when you live him, but I will tell you a bit of my story. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years. This is the longest relationship which he ever had in his life and he’s 54 years old. His previous relationship didn’t last more than 5 years. I am 8 years younger than him, good looking and smart. Actually, I am not sure how smart if I spent 10 of my life with him.
We dated for 2 years (I had a previous marriage with a cheater) so I told him that I won’t trust a man again. He said he’s different and he showed me a lot of love and treated me like a princess; he used to call me his princess.
After two years of dating we bought a house together and lived in it for 5 years. During those 5 years I caught him twice cheating. The first time, let’s say it was my fault. During an argument I told him that he could go and find someone else because I wouldn’t sleep to him anymore. Guess what? He didn’t wait for me to say it twice. He found someone.
When confronting him, he didn’t admit it but I found phone numbers and it just confirmed what I was suspecting. Never mind. It was my fault. I pushed him to this. We were living in the same house so after a month we decided to a new fresh start so everything was ok for a few months.
When he get sick and needed surgery I went daily to the hospital and after a week he came home but the doctor told him to rest for a few days and not to start work. One morning I called home and got no answer. I called him on his cell and asked him where he was and he said at work. I asked him, why didn’t you call me to let me know that you decided to go to work? He said it wasn’t that important.
After a few weeks the cell bill arrived and I had a feeling that something wasn’t right so I opened his bill (which usually I didn’t do) and surprise surprise! I found 2 new phone numbers so I went to a public phone and dialed the numbers and I found out to whom the numbers belonged to and the name of the person (Lynn).
So that evening he came home from work around 6:30 (he’s a salesman) and I asked him, who’s Lynn? He replied, Why are you asking? I said, Because on the morning you started working you called her. Who is she that you need to call so early in the morning? He said that she’s a friend.
After more interrogations I found out that she’s a client and they became friends, and again I asked him why I don’t know about this friend of yours? You know all my friends male or female. Anyway, I said to him that I wanted to sell the house and move out because I don’t trust him any more and if I accept this situation he will do it again and again and I don’t need this in my life.
The house was sold within one week and I moved back to my condo and he bought a house in the country side. We decided to stay friends but after a few weeks it became more than this so we were a couple again. This time each of us had our own places and we saw each other during the weekend and the same days during the week. A few months after this, I caught him that he was registred on the dating line on the internet. At this point I told him that is over.
After a few months we met at a common friend’s party and the next day he invited me out to have a drink so I accepted. I lied to him that I was in a relationship with someone from work and he was miserable. He begged me to get back with him because he learned his lesson.
Another 2 years passed, and from time to time he told me how much he hated himself for what he did in the past (he was hoping that one day I would move back with him but I always said, don’t dream about it because you had your chance).
So we went on vacations; we had a nice 2 years until this weekend. I went on his computer (I spent my weekend at his place and I was alone — he went to help someone to do whatever). I tried to talk to my sister back home (I am from Europe). When I opened skype, surprise surprise! I found all his chats with a young girl from France. She is 23-24 and he’s 54. He told her he’s 44 and the things that were said just made me puke. He was masturbating when talking with her. She sent pictures and he was asking if she had more intimate pics after he started to call her mon amour, Princess all the name he used with me during intimacy … So in conclusion, the man who cheats once will never change. I just lost 10 years of my life and you know, I am not even hurt –just disgusted, and I feel sorry for him. I hope this will help you a bit.
(USA) Hi Meg, This is sure a terrible problem! It’s difficult for most anyone else to imagine why your husband doesn’t see how this is absolutely wrong and hurtful. The pain and confusion and anger must be horrible for you to experience. My heart goes out to you!
As for “what to do.” I’m not entirely sure, but I have some thoughts as I pray about this. It’s something you should sure pray about. I wouldn’t however, be so quick to throw the divorce word around — or even consider it as an option yet. There are other steps that need to be worked through before that should be considered.
The first is prayer. Pray for your marriage and for his eyes to be opened and for his heart to see yours and how much this behavior hurts you. And don’t stop. I understand that you may be angry… but this man definitely needs prayer!
Secondly, I believe you HAVE to put some type of boundary down on this. The reason your husband is continuing to do this is because he can. He doesn’t see the damage it is doing and enjoys the chase (even though he should have stopped chasing other women when he said his wedding vow to you). And because he’s done this in the past, he will continue doing it in the future. He doesn’t see a reason to stop.
A good article for you to read is titled “Why Doesn’t My Husband Change? Functional Fixedness” — it’s in the “Save My Marriage” section of this web site.
Next, you need to draw a line in the sand to stop the revolving door in your marriage relationship and in your heart with how your husband interacts with other women. You may even need to talk to a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor (see what that means in the articles we have posted in the “Marriage Counseling” section) BEFORE you talk to your husband about his unfaithful behavior. A counselor might help you to put a plan together to set clear boundaries and consequences. Things are more complicated because of your geographical distance right now, but a good counselor can help you to figure that out.
I’m sure your husband will try to justify his actions — calling them innocent fun… but there’s nothing innocent in ripping your heart apart. You have a right as his wife to expect fidelity — in every way. That’s all part of marriage. You need to approach your husband in a respectful but firm manner.
But make sure you approach him at a time when emotions aren’t running high. They will get tested as it is, but you don’t want to start them in an elevated position right from the start! It’s important that you approach your husband at a time when he may be more open to listening to your heart rather than a time when you should H.A.L.T. – which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.
As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time, “Studies show that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
So, the point is, to ask God to help you discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You’ll probably still get a negative reaction from your him (because he won’t want to stop what he’s doing and will rationalize his behavior), but there’s less of a chance of your discussion getting out of hand if you pick a better time to make your approach.
If separation is the choice he makes (if he doesn’t change his heart and actions on this — that means that HE’S making the choice not to participate in this marriage — not you, because you have the right to expect fidelity on every level), I still wouldn’t talk divorce. I’d live out the principles of “Separation” (we have articles posted in the “Separation and Divorce” section of this web site that explain this). Even if your husband won’t agree to the principles, it’s important that you’re faithful to them. Don’t do anything that violates the vows YOU made. Two wrongs don’t make a right! Don’t add to the problem.
Give God elbow room and time to work on your husband to bring him to repentance. Work on your own issues at that time to be the woman of God that He created you to be. Hopefully your husband will wake up to see how wrong he is and will see the wonderful woman he married and will step up to participate in your marriage as a faithful partner.
If not… at least you will know that you have done your part in living out your marriage commitment as you should and you will also have the benefit of growing spiritually with the Lord guiding you. God will guide you in this as you lean upon Him — rather than your own understanding of the matter. Above all, live a life of grace, as Christ demonstrated. I hope you will. My prayers are with you Meg.
(US) I came here also looking for answers. Back in October I found some sexually explicit texts on my husbands cellphone. When I confronted him about it he promised me that it wouldn’t happen again. So, I kinda of brushed it off. Then in December right before Christmas he called me at work to tell me that something had happened. He had been fired from his job as a manager b/c a female employee had filed a complaint against him for sexual harassment.
It turns out he and this woman had been exchanging sexual emails and when she found out that he was married w/ a child she became enraged and went to her manager. He claims that he had ended the sexual texting with her a month or so prior to all of this, but she didn’t want to hear it so she was still calling him and texting him but he wasn’t responding.
I feel so hurt! Never in my life would have imagined that my husband would do this to me. We are currently in marriage counseling. He has promised me that he isn’t doing the same things anymore, but it’s so hard for me to trust him. I don’t know what he’s doing while I’m at work. Not only am I having to deal with my feelings about my husbands actions but I’m also having to deal with being the sole provider for our family.
Although I feel like the counseling is helping and I love him and I want to make it work; it is so hard for me to move past the hurt and pain I’m feeling. I feel like he destroyed our future. He had a good job and he was moving up in the company. Now, he has nothing and everything is on me. And I just don’t know how I will ever be able to trust him again.
(USA) I caught on to my husband by looking through the history on the computer and I found that he was looking at escorts on-line. The next day I decided to look at the out going mail. He had asked for rates from a certain escort. I confronted him and asked him why does he need to look at girls on the internet. He would always say I don’t know or shrug his shoulders.
As months passed I noticed he kept looking at the same site and again I would ask until recently. He saw that I was very upset, crying. He hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told him again about the site. He said he would never cheat on me. I asked why. His answer was he looked at the girls because I wasn’t having sex with him. I told him we just had a baby, I have been going to school, I am stressed out right now and asked why hadn’t he talked to me if it bothered him.
Anyway, my point here is he wants me to trust him but it’s hard to and is it a sin what he is or was doing? Lately I checked his computer. I haven’t found anything on escorts. Should I trust him again?