The following marriage article was written specifically with the men readers in mind. But, even though the focus is geared to encourage the appropriate male perspectives regarding opposite sex friendships, that particular type of relationship is something every spouse should be aware of.
You may have heard before that your spouse should know your business and you should know your spouses’ business. At first glance that may seem like a critical way of living, but read on and see if you feel the same way:
You interact with them every day, sometimes up close and personal. You can’t help but be around them. In many cases, they’re women you see more often than your wife.
They’re women at work — opposite-sex friendships — and unless you’re on guard, they can be the single biggest threat to your marriage.
How do you know you could be in trouble? It’s not easy, because relationships tend to be progressive …and almost all opposite-sex friendships begin innocently.
You start at a very basic level of getting to know each other. But before you know it, she begins to open up and express her concerns, hurts and problems (particularly those relating to her husband or boyfriend). Being a gentleman, you give her a sympathetic ear. In appreciation, she gives you attention and caring — perhaps more so than your wife. You find her flattering, and a nice little boost to your ego.
Before you know it, that opposite-sex friendship becomes the most important relationship in your life — surpassing even your relationship with your wife. When that happens, that workplace relationship has become a real threat to your marriage.
Here’s how you can tell when an opposite-sex friendship in the workplace is becoming dangerous:
• You find yourself sharing personal information with her that you otherwise wouldn’t share with someone else or your spouse.
• You begin looking for her when you get to work, and find yourself genuinely disappointed when she’s not there.
• You start creating opportunities to be alone with your opposite-sex friend during the workday, such as through non-work related lunch appointments, or lingering too long at her office or cubicle.
• You’re physically attracted to the person, and think about her when you’re not at work.
Now, guys, I know there are many of you thinking, “Look, I’ve had an opposite-sex friendship at work with (insert her name here) for years. Nothing has ever happened, and nothing ever will. It’ll never become inappropriate.”
Okay, then please ask yourself this: “Are you sure she feels the same way?” You might not intend for anything inappropriate to happen. But because of her own issues — ones of which you are completely unaware— she may be starting to drift from concentrating her husband or boyfriend.
She’s not dealing with problems they way she should be with her spouse, and she’s starting to find more fulfillment from her relationship with you. Even if nothing inappropriate ever occurs, you may be unknowingly preventing your opposite-sex friend from facing issues she needs to deal with only with her husband or boyfriend. You can’t risk letting that occur.
Here’s a good rule of thumb to keep in mind. In the workplace, it’s best to keep a professional barrier between you and others. Frankly, you’re not at work to have an opposite-sex friendship anyway. You’re there to get a job done. That should be your sole focus.
Finally, take to heart this sound advice from Proverbs:
“My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, and ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.” Proverbs 3:21-23
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Demonstrate God-honoring character in all your relationships, especially those with women at work — and you’ll avoid the pitfalls that come with opposite-sex friendships, and strengthen your bond with the one person that matters most—your wife!
The above article came from an E-mentoring message sent through the ministry of Intentional Living with Dr Randy Carlson, which also includes the ministry of loveyourmarriage.com. This ministry provides a FREE, easy way to get practical help and advice for you marriage through an E-mail program that will help you and your spouse improve upon and direct your marriage in the Biblical way! With this FREE Marriage E-Mentoring, you not only get the right, Biblical-based information that shows you what God’s plan is for your marriage, you also get the steps on how to use that information according to His Word.
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(USA) I have a question. Is it okay for married men to counsel, mentor, or spend time with single women?
(SOUTH AFRICA) All the articles are about marriage. But is it not also applicable where you are in a serious relationship? My view is that a serious relationship is almost as if the couple are married.
(ZIMBABWE) I think another area that needs to be discussed is that of communication between husbands/wives with ex-girlfriend/wives or husbands/boyfrineds. Where do we draw the line?
(ZIMBABWE) i have a friend of the opposite sex and people at work have started talking. on my part i dont think of him any further than a friend. When i read this article it was like a wake up call. Because i dont want it to go further than that. My hubby doesnt know about him so should i maybe take a few steps back with this friendship. We are constantly together, 1st thing in the morning its either he looks for me or vice versa. We go for lunch together. I sometime send him on personal errands if i cannot. He tells me he loves me but jokingly (i think) or maybe he will be serious, but i never take him serious coz he wont be serious
(USA) Drop him before your husband finds out and you LOSE you marriage. You WILLLLLLL destroy your marriage if you continue. The worse thing is, and I’m going to be blunt, that the woman always comes out losing. The guy is patted on the back for being a player and you, well, let’s just say a woman in an affair, whether physical or not, never comes out smelling like roses.
(KENYA) I have a dear girlfriend who bothers me a lot in terms of her totality! She has been so close to me. She does anything to win my attention, of which she has worn! She ensures that we are constantly together. 1st thing in the morning it’s either she looks for me or vice versa. We go for lunch together. I sometime send her on personal errands if I cannot. She tells me she loves me but jokingly (I think) or maybe she will be serious, but I never take her serious coz she won’t be serious.
(USA) My wife has two very good friends from work that are lesbians. So I’ll assume this also applies. I think one good point here is that even if she has no intentions of anything other than friendship, her friends feelings could grow stronger for her. Each of them takes her out to lunch or dinner at least three times a week. She seems to spend a lot of time with either one or both of them watching a movie or going to their place. She is open to me about it but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I look at the situation the same as if the friends were males. Am I wrong to feel this way?
(USA) Well, I have been going through a rough time with my husband and I have found it comforting to spend time with and discussing my issues with my male friends. I always make sure that they understand that I am married and that I do love my husband very much. My husband is aware of my contact and dealing with my male friends. I have not chemistry or attractions what so ever to my 3 male friends. It is almost like they are just a listening ear.
Part of the problem my husband and I have, is that he does not like to do the same things I like to do and because of my "wild past" he does not like to go out with me too often and this has cause me to have a lot of resentment and anger towards my husband because I never go anywhere. We have an 8 month old daughter and I spend most of my time with her so I would like to have something just for me (my opposite-sex friendships).
I do not feel like I am having inappropriate conduct and my husband does not give me any indication that he is uncomfortable with it but then again we have not been exactly on the best of terms, and he had also withheld information from me about his dealings with those of the opposite sex. Am I doing something wrong??
(USA) I have been away from my husband for over a year now. Not on purpose or planned but due to events beyond our control. I miss him so much and sometimes I feel like my heart will stop beating because it hurts and I get so lonely.
Last year I befriended a coworker of the opposite sex because we had some things in common. He is married and has a family, but understood my current situation. It was like finding someone to talk to who understood the way I was feeling and actually gave me some pointers on how to resolve some issues I was having.
Anyway, we went to lunch constantly – sometimes alone and at other times with other co-workers. We talked about personal issues and I agree with this article because the more we talked the more attracted I was to him and vice versa. Luckily he got another job but we still kept in touch (talk on the phone, texting each other etc.).
I know this was wrong and I should have stopped it, but I couldn’t. I still think about him, everyday and constantly look on my phone to see if he called. We had talked about this and decided to not pursue anything physical between us, but I still think of him. Should I tell my husband about this?
(USA) Am I too hard for my husband to get really angry, when I found out he was talking to his ex from HS? Cell phone, myspace, IM, texting everyday… I accused him having an affair. He got really mad, told his friend (girl) that he was leaving me; he’s tired of me. I asked the girl to ignore my husband’s calls & told my hubby to stop too. They didn’t stop, so we had 2nd round fight. And he told me he stopped, but sometimes it’s hard to trust. Most especially since he’d done this twice. 5 years ago, he found his other friend (girl) from classmates.com. We changed our cell phone & home phone. They’re very expensive. I found out they’d been talking all that time. All along he’d tell me they were just friends. But as a wife, it hurts a lot. He spends a lot of time talking to them, instead of talking to me. I told him I’ll trust his words, I love him so much…
(ZIMBABWE) I do agree with the article. I had a male friend too and we were so close that when I reported for duty he would look for me just to say hie. I had no feelings for him since l knew his fiance, but things didn’t go the way l thought they would. He started passing comments like "l wish l was in love with you." l smelled a rat and told him l also had my fiance. He knew about him but he kept on insisting. Even now that l am married he keeps on saying he loves me. So ladies out there, be very careful because opposite sex friendships are quite tempting.