The comments about me just giving him what he wants and I would be happy — somehow I thought in my naivety that maybe he was right… but of course it wasn’t and I was only more disappointed and my trust continued to spiral downward. I’m the one always buying the books, always looking for a way to balance out this incredibly one-sided relationship. Much like another woman who commented on another one of these articles, I thought if I would do everything (because he also continuously mentioned to me how he should have been born in a time where he could have multiple wives, how he views himself as the king, etc). Again, I thought if I did everything he would start loving me.

About a year and a half ago as we entered yet another crisis cycle and I sought the Lord – AGAIN – I felt the Lord say to do nothing. It got so bad that even though I was in total peace, he came at me (normally not an angry man at all) and asked me what I was going to do about this. Finally he began praying. Out came the confessions about his demeaning treatment. He used to say almost daily, "something’s wrong with you," because I wasn’t driven by sex 24/7 like him.

He made me feel so devalued until reading about the Love Languages and finding out I was quality time… but it didn’t last. Then the comments became, "how did we ever get together" and, "why can’t you have my love language?" Even now he’s constantly telling the kids how they should make sure to marry someone with the same love language.

He is destroying us, and it’s all about sex! He doesn’t have a problem with pornography. He has a serious problem with masturbation… but 3 years ago when he became extremely unbearable and we began having severe problems during our daily, "satisfy _____ romp," that we found out that it wasn’t actually my fault that he couldn’t sustain an erection anymore b/c, "I wasn’t exciting him" ….He has ED b/c he has diabetes.

Now, we haven’t had sex since just before my one year old was born… and once again it is all my fault. I could have sex with a rubber penis if, "I was willing," or I would be happy if I would, "just let him do what he wants to me." "Don’t you want me to take you upstairs and show you how much I love you?" Obviously he’s physical touch and he just doesn’t get it. I am falling apart mostly b/c I see it hurting our kids in so many ways whether it be the comments or my angry outbursts b/c of the constant pressure I’m under to, "satisfy him," and I just can’t take it anymore!

I’ve read so many things that may touch on an area but this is the first that has fully described what has happened — except that I don’t want to avoid sex and I had to give it to him consistently or the belittling comments and rudeness toward me and oh, yes the, "your body’s not your own," comment would increase to many times daily. I still ask him to stop treating me like I am a piece of meat and poking me, prodding, groping, and otherwise touching me on my private parts throughout the day especially when the children are near by and yup you guessed it, I get the old, "YBNYO," comment.

Oh, and every time I’ve tried to discuss things with him I get the, "you don’t even want to know what the Bible says," and "you’ll stand before God," comments. He doesn’t even acknowledge all I’ve done for him. As a matter of fact I’m pretty sure he thinks my actions are his right if that makes sense.

Just recently he actually started supporting me with the children about running the household, but all because there is an in-home job he has wanted me to get and now he’s claiming he’s always been that way. I tell what he’s always had and that is a terrible memory! I am completely spent. I don’t know if there is any hope for us. I don’t know if this area does get worked out that I could even de-familiarize certain bedroom behaviors to the point that I could receive the necessary healing and would want to continue or participate. Even outside of this all my husband is just plain gross.

He obviously wasn’t this way while we dated, but he only takes showers about once a week and brushes his teeth even less. If one of us (the kids or I) make the mistake of saying he has bad breath he’ll blow it in our face on purpose, sometimes even grabbing us or chasing us to make us smell it.

And now I am completely reduced to oral sex which I have willing participated in when I was at least feeling sometimes fulfilled. But I hate it and of course, "YBNYO," and my wifely duty in life is to submit to him all his wants and desires (according to him). When I bring up simple Christian attitudes and actions toward a brother or sister in the Lord and say that it ought to be more so for us as husband and wife he just twists it and says that I just want to be sister and brother.

Even tonight, he said how the only difference between our relationship and the relationship we have with everyone else in the church is sex. He is so ignorant of what true intimacy is! I don’t know if you have any suggestions. No one wants to see their marriage fall apart even if the separation would produce some relief.

He asked me tonight what I wanted to live happily in this marriage and I said, "never say another demeaning, nasty, word to me." Then I added, "fat chance." Then he (who claims he has such a wonderful life- duh and mine is miserable, which is of course my problem) then says, "oh well, I do want one thing. Don’t come up to me and hug me or, ‘pretend,’ everything is okay sexually between us. Like you do all the time." Again with the ignorance. He doesn’t even see that I am trying to get my intimacy needs met in a safe way. Even when I make any sort of actions like that he automatically begins poking me and half the time I pull away.

I know this was our worst fight ever. But for once I don’t feel condemned and belittled b/c I wouldn’t stand for it. It is only now that he thinks I am so disrespectful b/c I have finally stopped holding back. I know it has not been the right thing to do sometimes, but I repent and try not to give in to that temptation the next time.

Well, he said he thinks we should have counseling. I hope that it will work. Even now as he left for work I longed to give him a hug and kiss and tell him I love him; my heart has always been toward him. I’m sure his heart is toward me (at least when it isn’t interfering with his heart being toward himself) LOL!

Thank you again for your article. It explained what I couldn’t. If we could apply this and have it work there would remain only one problem his E.D. Medicines (natural & prescriptions) have not worked. The doctor says nothing will until he gets his sugar under control — which he isn’t willing to make the necessary sacrifices (sugar-wise) to achieve that. His immaturity is astonishing. I just want somehow for the Lord to redeem this hideous mess so the children won’t suffer.