Over the years, the most precious part of knowing my husband’s family has been the deeper way it has allowed me to know him. (Renae Bottom)

Think about that statement. Doesn’t it make sense that the more we know how our in-laws interacted with our spouse while he/she was growing up; we stand to gain greater insight into why our spouse handles everyday situations as they do to this day?

With that knowledge in mind, we can prayerfully and carefully work together as a team to “straighten the wrinkles” that may be negatively affecting your marital relationship. And we can also acknowledge those positive attributes that our spouse is living out with us that came from some of the positive experiences they had while growing up.

I (Cindy) love to send notes to my father-in-law on Father’s Day and other occasions thanking him for how he and my mother-in-law (who’s deceased) raised Steve. I recognize that I’m continually reaping the benefits because of the good qualities they worked hard to instill in him. I have much to be thankful for and I want my husband’s family to know that I’m grateful to God and to them for all they’ve done that’s affecting our lives together in such positive ways.

For me (Steve), I too have felt blessed to have Cindy’s parents for my in-laws. I remember one year on Cindy’s birthday, I sent a card to her Mom thanking her for giving birth to Cindy, raising her, and then giving her blessing to allow me to have Cindy as my wife. Men, think about doing this for your in-laws. This could be a great blessing to them, and as an added bonus, it sure doesn’t hurt your relationship with them either!

In our Marriage Message this week we’d like to talk further on the subject of “in-laws.” Last week we talked about the “In-law tug of war” that goes on in so many families. As we said, “When you marry the person, you also marry the family.” But this week we’d like to approach this subject from another angle that can be helpful in marriages also. We’d like to share how knowing your spouse’s family can add an important dimension to your marriage.

We’d like to share with you some excerpts from a well-written magazine article entitled: “In Love with My In-Laws” by Renae Bottom. It was published in the Spring 2000 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com:

Over the years, the most precious part of knowing my husband’s family has been the deeper way it has allowed me to know him. When we were dating, my love for Mark expressed itself through an overwhelming desire to learn everything about him, from the time he was a child until the day we met. I want to know my husband fully, with the intimate familiarity of “oneness.” (See: Genesis 2:24).

When Mark and I were married, I didn’t fully appreciate the way our separate pasts would affect our combined future. As we worked through our early adjustments, getting to know Mark’s family helped me see our relationship in more than just two dimensions—his side and mine.

Slowly, over those first few years, our relationships with our in-laws helped us recognize there was a third dimension to our marriage—the family experiences that had shaped each of our contrasting styles.

Mark had left home at 17, and he had lived alone for many years after that. Time to himself was a natural coping mechanism when tensions ran high. Later, after separating himself from a tense situation, he could talk things through more objectively.

Whenever we fought, Mark needed time and space to sort through his feelings. But I was insistent. My personality pressed for an immediate resolution. Mark felt trapped and pressured by my style. I felt abandoned and offended by his. I didn’t like “agreeing to disagree” then talking things out later. I hated being at odds with anyone I was close to, and I wasn’t used to solitary time. My identity was firmly entrenched in my place within a close-knit family.

Over the years, we’ve blended our two styles, thanks to our gradual understanding that those styles had an origin outside our marriage. Mark and I weren’t fatally incompatible, just two different people whose personalities had been shaped by different expectations.

Growing to know and understand each other’s families became an important key to unlocking a puzzle. I now share a part in Mark’s family history, as he does in mine. And all the family stories, both tragic and happy, open a new window into the growing-up years of the man I love.

Getting to know, and growing to love, my husband’s family has made me a better person and a better wife. I want to know the people who are important to Mark. I want to search out his character and come to appreciate him with the intimacy that loves demands. And I rejoice in knowing that that journey will last a lifetime.

We hope the thoughts that were just expressed will be helpful to you. It’s something the Lord had taught us previously and continues to teach us in how we can live together in “an understanding way” in our own marriage. We now realize we both came into our marriage with different mannerisms and expectations developed because of different life experiences. And sometimes those different “quirks” or behaviorisms that we’ve developed will cause us to clash with each other.

It’s taken a lot of “working through” determination and compromising and on both of our parts to help us to think “together” as a team and the journey continues. Past family experiences will always play into our present and future behaviorisms. But as we work together we can make them work for the betterment of our relationship rather than against it.

A personal relationship with Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord has especially helped us work through our “issues” so that good comes out of whatever was a part of our past and our marital relationship strengthens with each new day. It’s our prayer that you know or will reach out to get to know Christ as your Savior and Lord. As your lives are centered in Him, He will teach you how to truly love each other, and every member of both of your families (even the tough ones — we know by experience, because we both have them).

If you don’t know the Lord in a personal way, please contact us and we’ll be happy to help you. There’s also a wonderful web-site that you may want to look at that would be helpful. It’s www.needhim.org.

Our prayers are with you as together we work on our marriages to help them to be the best they can be to the glory of God!

Steve and Cindy Wright

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