The following article comes from the book, Beloved Unbeliever, which is written to women with spouses who are unbelievers. However, the principles outlined in this article, in reality, apply to every spouse in an abusive situation. So whether your spouse professes a relationship with Jesus Christ or not, please prayerfully read and consider what the author Jo Berry has to say, as it pertains to your marriage.
She begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15 explaining that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand what she means by this:
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. ( 1 Corinthians 7:15)
Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abused, defamed, and oppressed; where she is tortured by the temptations that such mistreatment put in her path, our precious Lord gives her an option. He does this because, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust” (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.
LEAVING IS MORE THAN WALKING OUT THE DOOR
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse, so she can act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than mere physical absence.
Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.
Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well; how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery; how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet; how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.
In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.
It appears, then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.
The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.
The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, “the sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.
In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, “You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men” (1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.
She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate [the comparison of her love for Me, her] own father and mother and [husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even [her] own life, [she] cannot be my disciple.” She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.
We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.
Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!
She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.
Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear—part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.
Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.
Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays because she believes that the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house when he was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months.
Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.
If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive—it’s smart.
God hasn’t called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and mental instability but of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He hasn’t chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. “God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33) and “has called [her] peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15).
The above article comes from the terrific book, “Beloved Unbeliever” by Jo Berry, published by Zondervan Publishing House www.zondervan.com, ISBN 0-310-42621-9. This book could truly help those who are married to unbelieving spouses. Jo knew what it was like to live with an unbelieving spouse and also interviewed dozens of women who are married to unbelievers. In this book they share the greatest difficulties they encounter(ed) and practical ways to handle the problems.
As Jo shared, “One of the most grievous and difficult situations a Christian woman ever faces is that of being unequally yoked: being married to a man who is not a believer. …She is supposed to live according to the dictates of Scripture, to be a helpmeet and submissive wife, yet at the same time she carries the burden of knowing her husband is neither spiritually awakened nor secure for eternity. She and her husband probably differ sharply about what their lifestyle should be. Many women in this position have shared with me that they feel hopeless.”
And that is the main reason Jo wrote this book because as she said, “There IS hope! There are principles an unequally yoked wife can learn and apply that will make her life easier. She needs to realize that God has placed her in unique position of being His representative to the man she loves. She can also develop a positive mind-set about her mate and her marriage.” That is what the author Jo Berry attempts to help women do throughout this book. If you’re married to an unbeliever we hope you’ll obtain a copy of this helpful and inspiring resource.
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(ZIMBABWE) I would like some understanding also on the scripture that says what God has joined together, let no men put asunder. Is this not the the scripture that binds us into marriage with our partners as we have made vows of until death do us part? If I am to leave my husband, am I free to marry again? All the scripture that says any man who marries a woman who had been married before commits adultery, as well as the woman she would have committed adultery.
(USA) Hi Marian,
Your reading and understanding of the scriptures is correct. Yes, we are not to divorce except for marital unfaithfulness/infidelity of either party OR if an unbelieving spouse leaves you.
I will say that, just from reading this site, there are plenty of people who lived in unfaithful marriages and decided to stay married, anyway, to let God’s glory be done in their marriages – that is comendable.
However, if you are being physically abused, this does mandate a time of separation simply for your physical safety.
Many Christian websites support this, as well as scriptures where David left Saul (his head/boss) because his physical safety was an issue. Read I Samuel. Christ also had an incident where he spoke in the synagogue of his own people and his own hometown but they became so angry at His words they were in the process of attempting to throw Him off a cliff when He, too, left, thereby insuring His own safety. Luke 4:29
I will point out that God provided a way for both of the above examples.
Marian, I was a victim of domestic abuse. Believe me, it is a very HARD process of trying to decide what to do and how, etc. It is only because of God’s intervention in my life that I am here and the abuse has stopped. AND I am still married. (I am glad of that, too, because abuse aside, we were a great couple and I love him).
Pray and listen, quietly, to what God tells you. If you know, because God tells you in your heart, that you need to leave to prevent more abuse, then you must do that.
Give the matter to God. I, also, went through a time of separation. Actually admitting to my minister what was happening and the aftermath (him confronting my husband in private and the ensuing separation as well as the healing process) was the hardest thing I have ever done.
The one thing I want to point out is this : I NEVER went to man’s institutions (police, shelters, etc.) If the police have not showed up at your door from someone else’s calls then it is not God’s will for them to be there.
As a Christian, it is very easy to be tempted to go the route of the world but I recommend keeping it within your community of faith (ie your church, your minister, etc.) first. That is God’s will. That was something that was on my heart long before I ever took action in telling my minister. God put that on my heart, not me, because human reasoning tells us to take it to the police or another of man’s institutions.
I will say this, however, God has now worked miracles in my life I never thought possible. Things I could truly only dream of. My husband and I are almost completely healed as well as starting a new chapter in our marriage that is virtually of no comparison with our past years of marriage.
No severe anger, screaming, throwing, hitting. It’s a different world in my house. I will admit, however, I thought it was a sin, to even separate, but I am now shown that it is a sin to divorce (except for the two reasons stated above) but it is NOT a sin to separate, temporarily for your own safety.
I still am not sure of why God allowed it to happen to me. BUT, if He had not, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, able to write out, from my own experiences, advice that might help you.
If you do feel God puts it on your heart to separate, temporarily, you must try to do so with the support of Christians that you trust. You must at least tell one Christian person and then have that person (or people) pray for you at each step of the way.
Divorce is not the answer, as you already know by your original posting. However, a time of separation is in order if you feel your husband is not repentant enough to stop. You, and probably you, alone, would know.
If you do decide to leave, for a while, it must not be too long because Satan can get in there and make matters worse. Couples separated for too long find it harder to reconcile when they do come back together.
I can’t stress enough this – and this is the most important thing in a situation like this – BELIEVE! Believe that God sees your plight and hears your prayers (and He does!!) He will make it right and do everything according to His will, it’s just that it isn’t always what we think it will be. Believe that and trust God to guide you every step of the way.
May God be with you and guide you – you have taken the first step already. With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi – i have been married for almost 19 years and in the initial stages of our marriage I suffered physical abuse – although not "serious" i.e. no bruises or broken bones – it was a push or a chair thrown or being sat on and pinned down. I realise that this has left our relationship quite broken and it has never really healed. Although there is no longer any physical abuse, I am constantly demeaned by implied statements.
It is so hard to understand why this happens. I am not perfect – but I don’t deserve this. My husband is an unbeliever and often makes light of my belief and makes jokes he knows upset me. I have spoken so many times and am now really beyond any more words. The relationship is hurting me as a person and often hurts my children too. He has tried to belittle my older son on a number of occasions and sometimes is downright nasty. He apologizes and then goes back to the same behavior again and again.
I have just written him a letter to say how I feel as I find it so hard talking to him and I know I just won’t be able to get the message across. I am going to read and pray as much as I can to hear Gods word. – I really want to do what he wants me to do. Yours in faith, Love Cathy
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I simply want to thank all the brave women. This is my first night of being separated after coming through abuse. Please just pray for me because I decided to trust God in this situation. I am so glad that after I read all your scripture readings, it affirmed that I understood what I was reading, and my husband wanting me to understand it the way it suited him, to keep me in an abusive situation. He decided to leave and it is not the first time after his adultery was made known. Then by reading the point of not making the separation too long was stressed but that I decided it is all in God’s hands. He knows the plans for my future and my cross that I lay down. I need to protect my children and myself. Love, Julia
(SA) I am in a marriage where my spouse expects me to be a perfect wife, one who respects him, listens to what he says, "even if I have an opinion, I must keep it to myself, he does not need it". If I try to communicate back to him or explain myself, he says that I am being rude to him. I am being defensive therefore I am lying.
My husband wants to know what time I leave, be it from work or wherever. And I must get to wherever I am going exactly on time. If I am caught up in traffic or if on the way I "decide" to pass through the mall and maybe spend some 15-30 minutes there, that’s a big mistake. I must tell him my plans well in advance. In other words, I cannot decide to pass through somewhere. He preaches to me that "I am 90% of a wife he deserves, and abuses me so much to make up for the 10%. The 10% comprises of the minor things and when I fail to get this, he gets "very" angry.
He has beaten me up so many times, I have stopped counting. He is unfaithful and has had a girlfriend or 2 at any given time. He fathers 4 other children from previous women and I am mother to these children that we stay with. He once accused me of not taking care of his children properly. Now the tables have turned, it is him that I am not taking care of properly.
He accuses me of not being passionate when in bed, but how do I even touch him when I know of all his infidelity stories? When he tells me that there is another woman anxiously waiting for me to leave and she will take over quickly, how am I expected to respond to that? I left him about 5 times last year, and every time he would follow me and we make up and I would come back to his house. I am at my wits end and I really want to leave but am afraid I would go through the same experience again.
We have not been talking the past 2 months now because I passed through a place (for 10 misery minutes) and he accused me that I might have gone to see someone and now I must apologise for that. I know I have not done anything wrong, therefore I will not apologise. He has a list of rules that I must adhere to and I feel I don’t need to be governed that way.
We share an adorable 3-year old son who loves his dad. I am wondering, is this fair on my part, because all I am now is a miserable mother to him?
(US) Dear Phil, If you are being abused, you must leave to protect yourself and your son. The abuse will change who your son is as a person and it’s changing you too. If you can stand the abuse and stay, remember your son can’t stand it and it’s hurting him too.
I’m going through the same thing and have 1yr. old son. My husband has not hit me with his hands, but has kicked and thrown objects at me. He yells at me and calls me names every day and expects me to be sexually submissive at his will. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he gets very angry and out of control. I left him once for two weeks about 2yrs ago and am now seeking marriage counseling as our last hope. I’m setting a time limit, for the sake of our son, that is going to decide if I stay or if I separate. I’ll be praying for you and your son.
(USA) Let’s take a moment and consider the scripture "what God has joined, let not man put asunder". The innocent spouse is not the one tearing up the family. The abuser is the one who is putting the relationship asunder and causing the split. It’s a shame to blame this on the victim who is already suffering enough. Let the abuser be blamed for destroying what God has put together.
If the abusive spouse does not want to have a marriage (as stated in the 1 Corinthians verse), then God would rather have us live in peace. God tells us to depart from the angry person, lest we become like him. He also says to treat an unrepentant person as a ‘publican’ and basically have nothing to do with him.
I have prayed, fasted, pleaded, turned the other cheek, loved and forgave my wife, overcame evil with good, etc. and she consistently terrorized me and my kids for over a decade.
The scriptures are difficult, but I think there is plenty of scriptural basis to remove yourself from a situation like this. Ask God for the truth regarding this. Find a support group, friends, family or others that you can talk to and rely on about this situation. Start telling other people what is going on. Set up a secondary plan and get a support network of people who can help you through this. You need to get stronger. Your spouse has all the control, and you are confused, angry, upset, and powerless. This is not a marriage as God would define it. The abuser is the one responsible for breaking up the marital relationship. Mike
(ENGLAND) I have found this article very helpful, I have been married only since March. As soon as I got married to my husband he stopped going to church and told me that he did not believe in God. Throughout our marriage he has been constantly verbally abusive and physically abusive. I have prayed to God throughout and I have not been living with him since October.
I find it very difficult what the Bible says about divorce because I prayed so much and have forgiven him time and time again. I have given him so many chances and it just continues, and there is no repentance. I find myself now in a state of confusion, because if I do divorce him does that mean I can’t remarry as I will be committing adultery?
(USA) I commend LT and the way her marriage worked out. However, I am not so sure how mine will turn out. It has been 4 months since I’ve been separated from my abusive husband. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 3 of those years. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. Before we were married, I was told by 2 family members and 2 church members not to marry my husband. But, I was blind sided by love/lust, good looks and charm. I did not listen to them.
The first four years of our courtship, he was so caring and affectionate. He cared for me in so many ways. He cared for my skin (in which I had a bad case of eczema) through his study of naturopathic medicine), my health (informing me on what food is good for me and so forth, and my spirit (advising me on getting "The Book" version of the Bible to help me better understand God’s word). We would have Bible discussion based on the Daily Bread (that he told me about as well). We would spend long nights on the phone talking about any and everything.
But, as I now sit back and analyze the relationship, I notice that he was always controlling. He talked me into getting out of the church choir, he talked me out of going to the Wednesday night Bible study at my church and the Thursday Morning Prayer, this was his way of saying that I needed rest and to be able to spend more time with him. Whenever I made a mistake in doing something or saying something that was “out of term”, he would get highly upset and he would began to ‘fuss-n-cuss’ as I began to nickname it and he would say things like “if you were in front of me, I would slap you in the mouth.” Whenever he said this I at first didn’t think anything of it, until I actually experienced it.
After we married 3 and a half years ago, the control issues continue to increase, followed by verbal abuse, and then later as the relationship continued, the physical abuse came. There were many days when I didn’t want to come home from work due to him calling throughout the day complaining about something I did or didn’t do and I knew that there was going to be a beating waiting for me. There were many nights I couldn’t sleep; not knowing when he was going to wake me up in the middle of the night to questioned me about something (with belt in his hand or anything to throw at me). There were many nights I spent in another room with our daughter because I was afraid to be in his presence. There were many mornings when I was off from work; I didn’t want to be, because I didn’t know what kind of mood he would be in. I couldn’t do anything without him knowing about it, I couldn’t talk to his friends or my family without him knowing about it. He wanted to know what was going on in my families’ business, but didn’t want my family to know what was going on in “our family business”.
For example, this past March, I became pregnant, instead of him being happy and pleased, he was upset and angry. In fact he implied that I get an abortion. You see I told my mom and my “twin” sister that I was (pregnant), but before I even told my twin that I was pregnant, she was having pregnancy symptoms (we are identical twins and I am the youngest and with each pregnancy I have had, she has experienced the morning sickness and so forth). So when I was in distraught about the abortion I tried to explain to my husband that I wasn’t comfortable, but he convinced me that it was okay as long as the egg has not grown into an embryo yet, but due to my religious background and my discomfort, I procrastinated until I was eight weeks. The day of the 1st scheduled abortion, I told my sister that I didn’t want to go through with it and I needed support in going home because I had already told him that I couldn’t go through with it and of course he was livid. I wouldn’t have gone back home that day, but he kept our daughter while I was at work. So, naturally I went back to the house.
I made up in my mind to leave, going home only to gather some things and to get our daughter. He was calm and cool at first, but then he and my brother-n-law got into it. My brother-in-law told my sister to call the police. I left with my sister and brother-in-law along with my daughter to their house, but after crying and listening to him on the phone, I was coerced into going back home. We stayed up till about 3am that morning with me having to go to work the next day, talking about the abortion, the visit from my sister and her husband, and the encounter of the police coming to the house. Though he remained calm that night, I could tell he was going to analyze this whole thing for the next few days and become angry. And sure enough, everyday anger continued to build-up in him about the situation, even after I agreed to the abortion just to make peace with him, he was still upset about the fact that my family came over and disrespected him in his own home and that I “allowed” it and how I needed to fix that problem by having my sister/husband to come over and apologize.
But since my brother-in-law apologized the same day, he felt like he didn’t need to apologize again. So every day after that day in April (including our Anniversary day) my life was HELL!!! He made sure that I paid for that incident and for becoming pregnant (period). Everything made him angry. The day I decided that “enough was enough” is when he got angry with me about “not communicating” in which he says I don’t do enough. But whenever I do, he doesn’t bother to listen, or accept my opinion, so why bother? On this day he was fussin-cussin and poking me on the head with a BB gun in front of my daughter while she & I were eating dinner. And I will never forget the look and the expression on my daughters face when he was doing that. It HURT me SO BAD!!! I told her that Mommy was okay. But the look on her face was full of fear and pain and right then I knew that I had to do something about this.
I did go through the world’s system in order to leave him, because the family way wasn’t going to help (alone). My order of protection was granted on the 15th of December. I have not seen him since that week and he has not seen his daughter in four months, though I have had her to speak to him. Due to our safety, it was advised that he should only see her under supervision. Although, he has been calling me and telling me that he has changed, and that the cause of his behavior was based on DHEA/roid rage. In which he tells me that he had been taking these supplements for fifteen years and that they had been taken a toll more so over the last 4 years. He won’t seek counseling; says that God is his counselor; he won’t leave (my) house to let me & our daughter return back home. He is now saying that he forgives me for leaving him & staying away (even after I know the “the TRUTH”). However, I am seeking spiritual counseling, and other support groups to help me get through this. I have also gone to my pastor. He suggests that God does not allow for anyone to be hurt; physically or emotionally. And that “even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:28). So, here I am now, waiting on an answer from God on where to go from here….
(ZIMBABWE) It’s so sad to hear how universal this problem is and how difficult it is to make the right decision. I have friends who are suffering physical, mental and emotional abuse on a daily basis and I feel like I need to do something to help their situations yet I don’t know how. It would be great to receive some spiritual guidance on how to handle this horrific issue which is tearing families apart.