My partner has had extra marital affairs since the onset of our marriage. He returns to Jamaica regularly and from this I find out why he doesn’t want me to visit with him. He had a child three years ago. He is building a house there and he says me and my child (his step daughter) are not welcome there). He doesn’t invite me to come with him and his daugther, will book his fare and tell me after. He has had several affairs, approximately 2-3 yearly in the Uk. He has given me sexually transmitted infections three times during our marriage. He is very secretive, the house is extremely divided, and he is physically and verbally abusive towards me.

He does not treat me with respect. He says I am an English b—-. We run a small building business and when he is away I financially support this and his workers. I am concerned as I feel such resentment to this man. I asked for a holiday this year but he does not want to spend the money on me. He is waiting to go Jamaica with his daughter at Christmas (me and my duagther are not invited of course). He has his girlfriend in Jamaica with his child, who he allows to stay at the house he is building.

In his defense, he has six children (not including my daughter). He financialy supports all of them very well. He is a good provider and a kind man to people in need. He works hard and pays towards the bills in this house. He does not do any chores and expects me as a woman to do everything. I went to a hospital for an operation. He did not come with me but flew to Jamaica to be with this woman when she was having baby. He will take time off work to visit his friends and be with his family but won’t take time or make effort for me in this house. I allowed his friends 2X to visit from Jamaica for 7 months and I cared for them, washed, cooked, and cleaned for them during that period. All I asked was for a holiday this year to Jamaica, but he ignores me.

I feel such resentment towards this man. From reading previous discussions he has left the relationship. He is not caring and loving towards me. My daughter does not speak to him because she has witnessed his abuse. His daughter does not worry about it; she ignores me and ignored the last incident of abuse and didn’t even ask me if I was okay. She said her dad is ignorant, he won’t change and she’s seen it before. I understand that.

I resent this man. I want him to leave and I don’t. I fear about finances but if he would change his ways and be for me we could work together. I do all the paperwork for the business. Since February I have been waiting for a car and he said it was because no money was available. SInce February he has been to Jamaica twice. He has sent money to one of his girlfriends who went on holiday and paid for her flight and her unpaid council tax. He took his girlfriend to his son’s graduation and bought his daughter a car. I have been so hurt with his actions. Recently, he is making contact with girls on the internet on facebook saying he is single and looking for love. His daughter set up Facebook and put his status as single. He does not see that she is interfering in our marriage and is led by his example.

Please help me. I need prayer and guidance. If you can give me advice on where to get proper spiritual guidance I would appreciate it. I want to feel love for this man and not resentment. I also want him to love me again. Please help.

It would be better to halt the wedding and be out the cost of a wedding, than to marry this man and pay the HUGE emotional cost of being married to someone who is not going to treat you with honor and loving respect (and THEN probably pay for a divorce later, possibly with children involved as well). The cost is too great to marry someone who isn’t ready to commit to being a good marriage partner.

I can’t even start to tell you the HUGE number of letters we receive every year from women who used to “love” the man they decided to marry (despite the red warning flags)– only to later absolutely regret marrying this same man, because of the same type of situation you described.

IF he decides to quit drinking and act like the adult he is supposed to be in order to marry (because immature and selfish-minded people SHOULDN’T marry), and he treats you with loving respect over a LONG period of time, THEN you might eventually be in a place to reconsider marrying him (if you see that he is committed inside of himself to be a man of integrity who treats you with loving honor). Otherwise, I would NOT marry him. He may have many good qualities, but the potential for a horrible marriage is much greater than not in this situation.

I’m so sorry to say this because I’m sure this is so difficult to consider calling off the wedding. But LT and I care very much about you and your future, and if we didn’t warn you, we would be remiss as your sisters in Christ in doing the right thing. May God bless you with His wisdom and grace as you prayerfully consider what we are writing to you.

http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/preparing-for-marriage

Please don’t ignore this. Find out now, BEFORE, the marriage. God bless, LT

I have been separated for nearly 2 years, after a 30 year marriage. I think this article answers that question. YES! I can be in God’s will! Just don’t ask your husband, for he is not God. Remove your husband from the throne! You are capable of deciding and having an opinion. Bring your pain and questions to the foot of the cross. God is willing and capable of bringing you healing and answers. God has chosen you today! You are worthy!

He is very supportive and takes care of his kids he has outside of wedlock plus my two. He is abusing me verbally and is controlling my life. It hurts me a lot and he is always right and he doesn’t know how to say " I am sorry" even though he knows that he was wrong.

I was thinking of cutting myself with a knife to be admitted into the hospital. Sometimes I am thinking of stealing something so I will be locked up at the police station. I lost my parents in two consecutive months but he was not supportive at all.

I am working and earning a good salary. He bought a gun and is always threatening me that he will do something to me because according to him I am busy with something behind his back. He was a South African soldier in Namibia and one of those people who were left without rehabilitation when Namibia got independence.

Please pray for my marriage before I do something to myself. I love him very much if he can just change his mood swings. Maybe he killed many people while he was a soldier and these things are coming to his mind. He is even taking to his mother in a disrespectful manner. He is perfect according to him.

We are both over 40 years and cold in the bed and he thinks that I am warming myself up somewhere. Two years back I handed in divorce papers but withdraw them. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MARRIAGE COS I DON’T WANT TO DIVORCE.

It’s been four years since I walked out of a verbally abusive marriage, and that was just barely six months into our wedding. The cases are similar in that it comes out that these people are always controlling, will want your life to stop, talk you out of meeting friends and family and will always have something to complain about no matter how good you try to be.

As a word of encouragement, each abused person should know that they are worthy in the eyes of the Lord and He wouldn’t wish them harm or to be stressed for the rest of their lives. Prayer does help and asking God to guide you as you take the new step, that his will may be done in your life because we are His children. He knew us even as we grew in our mothers wombs. God’s plan for us is one of prosperity. He gives us hope. Above all, God forgives.

The first four years of our courtship, he was so caring and affectionate. He cared for me in so many ways. He cared for my skin (in which I had a bad case of eczema) through his study of naturopathic medicine), my health (informing me on what food is good for me and so forth, and my spirit (advising me on getting "The Book" version of the Bible to help me better understand God’s word). We would have Bible discussion based on the Daily Bread (that he told me about as well). We would spend long nights on the phone talking about any and everything.

But, as I now sit back and analyze the relationship, I notice that he was always controlling. He talked me into getting out of the church choir, he talked me out of going to the Wednesday night Bible study at my church and the Thursday Morning Prayer, this was his way of saying that I needed rest and to be able to spend more time with him. Whenever I made a mistake in doing something or saying something that was “out of term”, he would get highly upset and he would began to ‘fuss-n-cuss’ as I began to nickname it and he would say things like “if you were in front of me, I would slap you in the mouth.” Whenever he said this I at first didn’t think anything of it, until I actually experienced it.

After we married 3 and a half years ago, the control issues continue to increase, followed by verbal abuse, and then later as the relationship continued, the physical abuse came. There were many days when I didn’t want to come home from work due to him calling throughout the day complaining about something I did or didn’t do and I knew that there was going to be a beating waiting for me. There were many nights I couldn’t sleep; not knowing when he was going to wake me up in the middle of the night to questioned me about something (with belt in his hand or anything to throw at me). There were many nights I spent in another room with our daughter because I was afraid to be in his presence. There were many mornings when I was off from work; I didn’t want to be, because I didn’t know what kind of mood he would be in. I couldn’t do anything without him knowing about it, I couldn’t talk to his friends or my family without him knowing about it. He wanted to know what was going on in my families’ business, but didn’t want my family to know what was going on in “our family business”.

For example, this past March, I became pregnant, instead of him being happy and pleased, he was upset and angry. In fact he implied that I get an abortion. You see I told my mom and my “twin” sister that I was (pregnant), but before I even told my twin that I was pregnant, she was having pregnancy symptoms (we are identical twins and I am the youngest and with each pregnancy I have had, she has experienced the morning sickness and so forth). So when I was in distraught about the abortion I tried to explain to my husband that I wasn’t comfortable, but he convinced me that it was okay as long as the egg has not grown into an embryo yet, but due to my religious background and my discomfort, I procrastinated until I was eight weeks. The day of the 1st scheduled abortion, I told my sister that I didn’t want to go through with it and I needed support in going home because I had already told him that I couldn’t go through with it and of course he was livid. I wouldn’t have gone back home that day, but he kept our daughter while I was at work. So, naturally I went back to the house.

I made up in my mind to leave, going home only to gather some things and to get our daughter. He was calm and cool at first, but then he and my brother-n-law got into it. My brother-in-law told my sister to call the police. I left with my sister and brother-in-law along with my daughter to their house, but after crying and listening to him on the phone, I was coerced into going back home. We stayed up till about 3am that morning with me having to go to work the next day, talking about the abortion, the visit from my sister and her husband, and the encounter of the police coming to the house. Though he remained calm that night, I could tell he was going to analyze this whole thing for the next few days and become angry. And sure enough, everyday anger continued to build-up in him about the situation, even after I agreed to the abortion just to make peace with him, he was still upset about the fact that my family came over and disrespected him in his own home and that I “allowed” it and how I needed to fix that problem by having my sister/husband to come over and apologize.

But since my brother-in-law apologized the same day, he felt like he didn’t need to apologize again. So every day after that day in April (including our Anniversary day) my life was HELL!!! He made sure that I paid for that incident and for becoming pregnant (period). Everything made him angry. The day I decided that “enough was enough” is when he got angry with me about “not communicating” in which he says I don’t do enough. But whenever I do, he doesn’t bother to listen, or accept my opinion, so why bother? On this day he was fussin-cussin and poking me on the head with a BB gun in front of my daughter while she & I were eating dinner. And I will never forget the look and the expression on my daughters face when he was doing that. It HURT me SO BAD!!! I told her that Mommy was okay. But the look on her face was full of fear and pain and right then I knew that I had to do something about this.

I did go through the world’s system in order to leave him, because the family way wasn’t going to help (alone). My order of protection was granted on the 15th of December. I have not seen him since that week and he has not seen his daughter in four months, though I have had her to speak to him. Due to our safety, it was advised that he should only see her under supervision. Although, he has been calling me and telling me that he has changed, and that the cause of his behavior was based on DHEA/roid rage. In which he tells me that he had been taking these supplements for fifteen years and that they had been taken a toll more so over the last 4 years. He won’t seek counseling; says that God is his counselor; he won’t leave (my) house to let me & our daughter return back home. He is now saying that he forgives me for leaving him & staying away (even after I know the “the TRUTH”). However, I am seeking spiritual counseling, and other support groups to help me get through this. I have also gone to my pastor. He suggests that God does not allow for anyone to be hurt; physically or emotionally. And that “even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:28). So, here I am now, waiting on an answer from God on where to go from here….

I find it very difficult what the Bible says about divorce because I prayed so much and have forgiven him time and time again. I have given him so many chances and it just continues, and there is no repentance. I find myself now in a state of confusion, because if I do divorce him does that mean I can’t remarry as I will be committing adultery?

If the abusive spouse does not want to have a marriage (as stated in the 1 Corinthians verse), then God would rather have us live in peace. God tells us to depart from the angry person, lest we become like him. He also says to treat an unrepentant person as a ‘publican’ and basically have nothing to do with him.

I have prayed, fasted, pleaded, turned the other cheek, loved and forgave my wife, overcame evil with good, etc. and she consistently terrorized me and my kids for over a decade.

The scriptures are difficult, but I think there is plenty of scriptural basis to remove yourself from a situation like this. Ask God for the truth regarding this. Find a support group, friends, family or others that you can talk to and rely on about this situation. Start telling other people what is going on. Set up a secondary plan and get a support network of people who can help you through this. You need to get stronger. Your spouse has all the control, and you are confused, angry, upset, and powerless. This is not a marriage as God would define it. The abuser is the one responsible for breaking up the marital relationship. Mike

I’m going through the same thing and have 1yr. old son. My husband has not hit me with his hands, but has kicked and thrown objects at me. He yells at me and calls me names every day and expects me to be sexually submissive at his will. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he gets very angry and out of control. I left him once for two weeks about 2yrs ago and am now seeking marriage counseling as our last hope. I’m setting a time limit, for the sake of our son, that is going to decide if I stay or if I separate. I’ll be praying for you and your son.

My husband wants to know what time I leave, be it from work or wherever. And I must get to wherever I am going exactly on time. If I am caught up in traffic or if on the way I "decide" to pass through the mall and maybe spend some 15-30 minutes there, that’s a big mistake. I must tell him my plans well in advance. In other words, I cannot decide to pass through somewhere. He preaches to me that "I am 90% of a wife he deserves, and abuses me so much to make up for the 10%. The 10% comprises of the minor things and when I fail to get this, he gets "very" angry.

He has beaten me up so many times, I have stopped counting. He is unfaithful and has had a girlfriend or 2 at any given time. He fathers 4 other children from previous women and I am mother to these children that we stay with. He once accused me of not taking care of his children properly. Now the tables have turned, it is him that I am not taking care of properly.

He accuses me of not being passionate when in bed, but how do I even touch him when I know of all his infidelity stories? When he tells me that there is another woman anxiously waiting for me to leave and she will take over quickly, how am I expected to respond to that? I left him about 5 times last year, and every time he would follow me and we make up and I would come back to his house. I am at my wits end and I really want to leave but am afraid I would go through the same experience again.

We have not been talking the past 2 months now because I passed through a place (for 10 misery minutes) and he accused me that I might have gone to see someone and now I must apologise for that. I know I have not done anything wrong, therefore I will not apologise. He has a list of rules that I must adhere to and I feel I don’t need to be governed that way.

We share an adorable 3-year old son who loves his dad. I am wondering, is this fair on my part, because all I am now is a miserable mother to him?

It is so hard to understand why this happens. I am not perfect – but I don’t deserve this. My husband is an unbeliever and often makes light of my belief and makes jokes he knows upset me. I have spoken so many times and am now really beyond any more words. The relationship is hurting me as a person and often hurts my children too. He has tried to belittle my older son on a number of occasions and sometimes is downright nasty. He apologizes and then goes back to the same behavior again and again.

I have just written him a letter to say how I feel as I find it so hard talking to him and I know I just won’t be able to get the message across. I am going to read and pray as much as I can to hear Gods word. – I really want to do what he wants me to do. Yours in faith, Love Cathy

Your reading and understanding of the scriptures is correct. Yes, we are not to divorce except for marital unfaithfulness/infidelity of either party OR if an unbelieving spouse leaves you.

I will say that, just from reading this site, there are plenty of people who lived in unfaithful marriages and decided to stay married, anyway, to let God’s glory be done in their marriages – that is comendable.

However, if you are being physically abused, this does mandate a time of separation simply for your physical safety.

Many Christian websites support this, as well as scriptures where David left Saul (his head/boss) because his physical safety was an issue. Read I Samuel. Christ also had an incident where he spoke in the synagogue of his own people and his own hometown but they became so angry at His words they were in the process of attempting to throw Him off a cliff when He, too, left, thereby insuring His own safety. Luke 4:29

I will point out that God provided a way for both of the above examples.

Marian, I was a victim of domestic abuse. Believe me, it is a very HARD process of trying to decide what to do and how, etc. It is only because of God’s intervention in my life that I am here and the abuse has stopped. AND I am still married. (I am glad of that, too, because abuse aside, we were a great couple and I love him).

Pray and listen, quietly, to what God tells you. If you know, because God tells you in your heart, that you need to leave to prevent more abuse, then you must do that.

Give the matter to God. I, also, went through a time of separation. Actually admitting to my minister what was happening and the aftermath (him confronting my husband in private and the ensuing separation as well as the healing process) was the hardest thing I have ever done.

The one thing I want to point out is this : I NEVER went to man’s institutions (police, shelters, etc.) If the police have not showed up at your door from someone else’s calls then it is not God’s will for them to be there.

As a Christian, it is very easy to be tempted to go the route of the world but I recommend keeping it within your community of faith (ie your church, your minister, etc.) first. That is God’s will. That was something that was on my heart long before I ever took action in telling my minister. God put that on my heart, not me, because human reasoning tells us to take it to the police or another of man’s institutions.

I will say this, however, God has now worked miracles in my life I never thought possible. Things I could truly only dream of. My husband and I are almost completely healed as well as starting a new chapter in our marriage that is virtually of no comparison with our past years of marriage.

No severe anger, screaming, throwing, hitting. It’s a different world in my house. I will admit, however, I thought it was a sin, to even separate, but I am now shown that it is a sin to divorce (except for the two reasons stated above) but it is NOT a sin to separate, temporarily for your own safety.

I still am not sure of why God allowed it to happen to me. BUT, if He had not, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, able to write out, from my own experiences, advice that might help you.

If you do feel God puts it on your heart to separate, temporarily, you must try to do so with the support of Christians that you trust. You must at least tell one Christian person and then have that person (or people) pray for you at each step of the way.

Divorce is not the answer, as you already know by your original posting. However, a time of separation is in order if you feel your husband is not repentant enough to stop. You, and probably you, alone, would know.

If you do decide to leave, for a while, it must not be too long because Satan can get in there and make matters worse. Couples separated for too long find it harder to reconcile when they do come back together.

I can’t stress enough this – and this is the most important thing in a situation like this – BELIEVE! Believe that God sees your plight and hears your prayers (and He does!!) He will make it right and do everything according to His will, it’s just that it isn’t always what we think it will be. Believe that and trust God to guide you every step of the way.

May God be with you and guide you – you have taken the first step already. With love, LT