Over and over again we see little secrets that engaged and married couples keep apart from each other that are destroying their relationships. They’re subtle at first, but eventually as they grow in the darkness of secrecy they can overtake that which was once good.

In thinking about this, we’re reminded of the scripture that says, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (Song of Songs 2:15). These “foxes” are those things that can disturb a relationship to the point where the root system is too trampled upon to grow any further and so it shrivels and instead dies.

There are many of these “foxes” that can destroy. Two of them that come immediately to mind is the computer and cell phones. We love the positive ways in which they help us communicate, but they can sure undermine and destroy marriages.

When a person spends so much time on the computer that it robs their spouse and family of time they need together… the computer time is a “little fox”. Are you giving this disruptor more time than you should? And what about television… is that a little fox that you’re spending too much time with, so that you are neglecting that which should be more important to you? We’ve had to battle this one at times in our own marriage and have had to make necessary adjustments when needed. How about you?

And when a husband (or wife) uses their computer to look at unclothed images of people other than their spouse, that is more of a big wolf than just a little fox. A good vow to make is, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing” (Psalm 101:3). Isn’t that a vow God would ask of a spouse to save their marriage? “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes (or marriage) being burned?” The answer is no. Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

This same principle applies to chat rooms as well. Adultery of the heart and emotions is still adultery — even if your spouse cheats… it doesn’t justify cheating on your part. Stay away and “flee” (as the Bible exhorts) from places of temptation. Chat rooms are a great vehicle which the enemy of our faith uses to end marriages. Over and over again, we hear from those who start out “innocently” chatting — even those who are trying to “help” someone of the opposite sex with a problem, only to end up giving their heart to them as well.

And what about cell phones? When a spouse hides his or her cell phone from their spouse, trying to block them from seeing certain calls they are making or receiving (by leaving the room so the other spouse doesn’t know who’s calling) WATCH OUT!!! That is a form of cheating. If you have nothing to hide, you will hide nothing. And marriage isn’t about hiding, but rather uniting and “cleaving” as God tells us. Secret calls separate and shows a lack of trustworthiness!…

“Being trustworthy means building transparency into the relationship, says Willard F Harley Jr., founder of Marriage Builders and author of several books about preventing affairs, including ‘Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.’ ‘There are many steps couples can take to shield their marriage from secrecy and infidelity, Mr Harley told me recently. For instance, couples should have each other’s cell phone and e-mail information ‘at their disposal.’

“If there already has been an infidelity problem, a couple should review e-mails together before erasing them, he said. ‘Trust, to me, is earned, not assumed.’” (Cheryl Wetzstein from the article “The Best Spouse Will Take the Kitchen Sink Back” Washington Times, July 26, 2009)

In the above mentioned newspaper article, Cheryl writes what Louisiana State University professor Loren Marks shares with his students concerning trustworthiness. She writes:

“‘About five years ago,’ he said, ‘I came home from work, and my wife said, ‘I need to run to K-mart.’ And I said, ‘Well, when we talked at lunch on the phone today, you said you had already gone there this morning.’ And she said, ‘I did, but when I got home, I realized the cashier hadn’t charged me for this $52 sink fixture that I’d bought.’

“And so she ran out the door, went to K-Mart, went to the customer-service line and they didn’t quite know what to do with her. Apparently that’s not a problem they have very often —someone coming back, complaining that they weren’t charged.

“And she said, ‘Well why don’t I go through the line as if I’m going through the first time, and that way you guys can get your money, and I have a clear conscience, and we can both go on happy.’ And they said, ‘Fine.’

“And I tell the students, ‘That’s my love story.’ And they look at me with amused and puzzled eyes. And I say, ‘Let me explain. None of you in here know my wife, but let me ask you a question. How much sleep do you think I lose at night wondering whether my wife is being faithful to me or not?’ And After some thought, someone will say, ‘None.’ And I’ll say, ‘That’s right, but why?’ ‘Well, you know, she took the sink back,’ they will say. And I’ll say, ‘That’s right. And if I can give you a piece of advice based on what I’ve seen personally and professionally, it would be to marry someone who will take the sink back. And, to work toward being the kind of person who will take the sink back.”

A person who takes “the sink back” is a person of integrity. If you are not yet married, we pray you will marry a person of integrity who will hold to these high standards all the days of their life.

“Integrity has been defined as ‘who you are when no one is looking.’ A person of integrity is convinced that the unrelenting pursuit toward wholeness and godliness is more valuable than fairness. Integrity has nothing to do with how the other person’s behaving. It’s doing what is consistent with the person you want to be regardless of the external environment. And serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we accept full responsibility for our own actions and feelings rather than letting our spouse’s behavior determine how we behave” (from the book “Authentic Marriages” by Jeff and Lora Helton).

A person of integrity does not play in secrecy with “little foxes” that will try to sneak problems into his or her life. We encourage you to work to be that type of spouse — even if your spouse is not. Please do not entertain the enemy of our faith any further than possible. Lets strive together to poke holes in the darkness, instead of contributing energy to it.

May God bless you as you strive to be a spouse of integrity, trustworthiness and faithfulness,
Cindy and Steve Wright