You might think by the title of this message that showing your love to each other extravagantly would involve spending a lot of money on each other —that it would involve taking an expensive vacation or buying expensive gifts for each other.

Although loving extravagantly COULD involve those things, it could mean something much different. Loving each other extravagantly involves showing your love to your partner in a lavish way—beyond what comes normal—spending more of YOURSELF rather than money on your spouse. It involves showing “Random acts of kindness” and thanks-LIVING, and showing random acts of romancing to each other.

You see, too often when we marry we start to take each other for granted. We don’t even realize it’s happening to us. It starts to happen without us even noticing that it is— very subtly. The problem is, we become so familiar with each other, day in and day out, that we gradually forget to continue to do things for each other which will KEEP the “spark” in our relationship —and that can lead to marriage problems.

Doing little things that show favor and affection, displaying and saying our appreciation for one another and treating each other in respectful ways-being “intentional” in how we show our love are a part of the attraction we had to each other in the first place and will help to keep our marriages vital. It feels good to be noticed and appreciated by someone else.

We too often forget that and start expecting things to be done, leaving aside common courtesies and appreciation for each other. Eventually our partner can feel no more appreciated than a piece of functional furniture.

When our love was new we didn’t expect things to be done for us by the other person. We noticed every little action they did and showed our appreciation. But after marriage, because of the busyness of every day life and the work it takes to maintain a home, jobs, and family, we can forget our partner still has an inner need to be appreciated, respected, and honored by someone—someone special that will take notice of the little things they do.

That someone special used to be us (and hopefully still is)! But some partners find themselves yearning to feel appreciated.

Some spouses faithfully, yet sadly, live with that yearning for the rest of their lives if their partner doesn’t change their actions. But some become attracted to someone else outside their marriage for that very reason. (This doesn’t justify their sinful behavior but it explains what happens in a lot of unfaithful marriages.)

You see, the other person notices those nice little things that are done for them. Of course, to them those niceties are all new and unexpected, so they’ll naturally notice it more than the tempted spouse.

As they notice the “niceties” and find ways to honor them and express their thankfulness, the unappreciated spouse begins to feel better about themselves again and sometimes begins to feel an unexpected spark inside—an attraction, because they’re no longer being taken for granted.

Tragically some people act upon that attraction and that’s when marriages are most threatened by infidelity.

We want to say right here that this isn’t always the reason affairs start because some people will be attracted to others outside the marriage even if their spouse does all the right things to make them feel valued and appreciated.

It’s a character flaw within the unfaithful spouse to do what is wrong, which really has little to do with the person they’re married to. (Although often they’ll still blame the other spouse because they’d have a hard time living with themselves if they thought it could be their fault.)

With that said, we still want to make the point that “even if we have an unbending commitment to our mate, most of us are blind to how we lose our marriages by slow erosion if we don’t keep replenishing the soil.” (William Doherty) We need to be aware of importance of continuing to show our spouse they’re appreciated no matter how long we’ve been married.

Finding ways to show love to our spouse extravagantly is important to the health of our marriages and is also Christ-like. In Ephesians 5:1 in The Message, it says, “Observe how Christ loved us. His love is not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” Are you showing your spouse love in this way?

That is our challenge to you. Think about it. What if you started dating your spouse again? How wonderful would it be to get the sparkle back in their eye (as well as yours) like before you married, when you and your spouse would see each other?

Part of the reason that happened is because you put the effort and time into romancing each other. Now is time to do it again. You fell in love with each other by romancing this person —doesn’t it make sense that by making them a priority in your life again you’d re-spark the romance? THAT would be an example of loving each other extravagantly!

What about bringing back the days where you show each other common courtesies and politeness? Just because you live together it doesn’t mean that you can’t be polite, even for the little things again-like you did before you married.

Are you courteous with strangers? Why should you be less so with the person you claim to love above every other human being —your spouse? How extravagant and yet sensible would that be? After-all, your spouse didn’t outgrow the need to be appreciated or want any less to be thought of as important in your eyes and priorities. Could you be forgetting that?

Hopefully this is a wake-up call for those of you that need it. Don’t let strangers treat your spouse with more courtesy and appreciation than you do. If you do — it might eventually lead to either a “dead” marriage or at best a lethargic, tired one! And is that what God calls us to have? The answer is a certain “NO”!

You certainly don’t want to be accused of having a marriage lived out like it says in Philippians 2:21 where, “Everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.” Our marriages should so reflect the love of God that when others see how we treat each other they want to know our “secret” because they’ll want a marriage as healthy as ours.

When you tell them that it’s because of the love of God that you extravagantly lavish on each other, it very well may spur them on to want to know your God. How much that would delight the heart of God!

So we challenge you to:

•  Be intentional in showing your love for your spouse as a priority by showering them with affection—even spontaneous in performing random acts of romance! Surprise them! (This may be especially difficult for those with children because they can take up a lot of energy and time. But ask the Lord to show you how and when you can do this and you’d be surprised how this can happen. By being INTENTIONAL and alert in looking for opportunities it will happen and you may even find it to be fun-like it used to be before you married each other.)

•  Treat your spouse in respectful ways (as “unto the Lord”). Keep in mind that it’s a mind-set as well as an action.

•  Commit, “Random acts of kindness” upon your spouse. Look for ways to make them feel special by doing things for them that would mean a lot to them.

•  Be a partner who displays thanks-LIVING everyday by saying and showing your appreciation to them for even the little things (things you think should be expected). Instead of noticing their faults, look for something the do right and praise them for it. That is extravagant love!

We pray this is a challenge, but also a blessing to your marriage. Love extravagantly!

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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