We realize that these messages go into homes and offices throughout the world so following the “constitutions” of your country may be different than what we’re required to follow here in the United States of America. But there is one goal that we all need to abide by—living out our marriages to the glory of God.

In light of that, we’d like to challenge you to put together a “Marriage Constitution” to help you to better live out what you SAY you believe about marriage. It’s something we’ve done and believe that when you put it in writing and post it in a conspicuous place in your home it is always there to remind you (your children and others) what your marriage “stands for.”

Dr Gary Smalley and his wife Norma have written some things they’ve put together to “form a more loving union.” Dr Smalley writes: ”The following articles constitute our commitment to this love journey during sicknesses or in health, in prosperity or in poorer times, in conflict or in harmony and we will allow nothing to separate OUR love and devotion for each other.”

Here’s what they put together (which we pray will challenge you to consider doing the same):

We agree to:
1. Honor each other above all others and things. Our highest devotion is to honor the Lord, receive his grace and follow his will. Below our relationship with God, we will honor each other as more important than relatives, children, friends, and others. We will establish honor as a way of life and maintain it everyday. We will honor each other in three ways: deciding it, updating a list of positive qualities of each other, and expressing honor either in written or verbal forms as often as we each need. We will use emotional word pictures to explain how much we adore each other.

We also understand that the most important aspect of our relationship will always involve communication. By communication we mean to listen and understand each other as thoroughly as possible and accept each other’s uniqueness and greatly value our differences. Each article of our constitution has communication as its foundation.

2. Live in oneness. We agree that oneness means to blend our two selves together into one loving relationship. Our unity candle display in our home clearly reminds us of our lifetime desire for oneness. We will accomplish this by entering into LUV talk [This refers to a method of resolving conflict taught by the Smalley’s that includes Listen, Understand, and Validate] whenever we disagree about anything touching our lives, marriage, family, or work. Our goal is to so understand each other’s feelings and needs that our solutions to any disagreements will be enjoyed and agreed upon by each other. Our main areas for oneness are:

• Finances, children, in-laws, sexual, spiritual, SRC [Smalley Relational Center], and health. Issues for oneness: How to maintain harmony and oneness during the changes taking place over the next several months.

3. Nurture each other’s needs on a daily basis. We both understand that a minimum of time to spend nurturing each other is around 20 minutes per day. This will not always be possible, but we can ask each other if our needs are being nurtured adequately. We have already discovered that:

• Norma’s main needs are as follows: tenderness from Gary, acceptance and valuing her uniqueness and living in an environment that is safe, orderly, and honest.

• Gary’s main needs are as follows: sharing spontaneous fun times with Norma, having Norma share in Gary’s dreams as a co-laborer, and praying together daily.

Just a reminder to us: the general needs of most people are:

• Touch, Listening for understanding, Spiritual oneness, Praise, Acceptance of uniqueness, Tenderness, and Sharing fun activities.

4. Repair any damage to our relationship “before the sun goes down.” Normal life will include some actions or statements that are misunderstood or exaggerated from time to time. Anger may occur and it will be reflected by fear, frustration, or hurt feelings within one or both of us. We agree to find our best methods to repair and renew an honoring and harmonious relationship daily.

Our main Methods up to date are:

• We will admit our wrongs and seek forgiveness from each other when needed as soon as possible.
• We will each express our forgiveness when needed from the other.
• We both agree to take 100% responsibility for maintaining harmony between us and keeping our anger levels toward each other to the lowest possible levels each day.
• If deadlocked, we agree to meet with our 911 group after praying together and waiting upon God’s grace to solve our unresolved situations. We agree that either of us can call our “911″ group and schedule a meeting on or before 48 hours of deadlock.

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We’re thankful that Dr Smalley and his wife, Norma, are so open about what they’ve used to help their marriage and pray that as we help them to “challenge” others to do the same that you’ll prayerfully consider taking up the challenge. We know that not all of you have marriage partners that will participate with you in this way. And for that we truly grieve with you and pray that some day the Lord will help your marriage to enter into this type of relationship.

But for those who do have partners who will do this (or possibly you know of someone you can share this information with that could use it) we challenge you to do so.

You might want to visit their web site at www.dnaofrelationships.com to find additional material to help you. Also, we have on our web site a number of articles to help you on putting together a Marriage constitution and Mission Statement.

The Bible tells us that “where there is no vision the people cast off restraint” and we’ve found that to be especially true in marriage. If we don’t purpose to agree on certain goals and standards for living out our marriages, we can more easily flounder in how we conduct ourselves and get ourselves into all kinds of trouble.

We pray that along with us, and the Smalley’s, you’ll reach for that which God has in marriage. God cares VERY MUCH how we live out our married lives so we are a “light” to attract others in the world to Him and His ways of living. God can TEACH us how to love each other and live a life together of love and purpose if we ask and listen to His prompting. We pray you will call upon Him and use that which He provides to help you and your spouse in every way possible.

Cindy and Steve Wright

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