Have you heard the statements (or maybe you’ve even said the statements), “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” or “Marriage is a 50/50 proposition where each partner should be willing to come half the way to compromise and make things work?”

While those statements SOUND good, they really aren’t principles you can always count on to make your marriage work. If you have a marriage that functions well on these principles, then you’re one of the rare ones—because eventually, something comes along in life to mess up the equation. And then what do you do? Is this really the biblical principles the Bible talks about?

Throughout the Bible it talks about “going the extra mile,” “serving one another,” “dying to self,” and “submitting to one another” … We are to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” So when you put the above principles up against what it says in God’s Word, you can see that there’s no 50/50 equation involved.

In a perfect world it would work that way, but we don’t live in a perfect world on this side of heaven; we live in a fallen world where unfairness is a part of everyday living so God asks more of us than that.

To consider this further, we’d like to share a portion of an article written by Dennis Rainey titled, “Super Glue Your Marriage” (To read the entire article go to: http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=641&page=1&keywords=).
Here’s part of what Dennis wrote about why the 50/50 plan fails:

It is impossible to determine if your spouse has met you halfway. Because neither of you can agree on where halfway is, each is left to scrutinize the other’s performance from a jaded, often selfish perspective.

Many times in a marriage, both partners are busy, overworked, and feel taken for granted. The real question isn’t, “who faced the most pressure that day?” the important issue is, “how do you build oneness and teamwork instead of keeping score and waiting for the other person to meet you halfway?”

The 50/50 Plan is destined to fail for several reasons:

1. Acceptance is Based on Performance. Many people unknowingly base their acceptance of their spouses on performance. Performance becomes the glue that holds the relationship together, but it isn’t really glue at all. It’s more like Velcro. It seems to stick, but it comes apart when pressure is applied. What a marriage needs is Super Glue—but more on that later.

2. Giving is Based on Merit. With the “meet me halfway” approach, a husband would give affection to his wife only when he felt she had earned it. If she always cooked tasty meals and balanced the checkbook then he would drop her a few crumbs of praise and loving attention. She, in turn, would lavish affection and praise only when he vacuumed the carpet and always arrived home on time.

3. Motivation for Action is Based on How Each Partner Feels. As a newlywed, it’s easy to act sacrificially because the pounding heart and romantic feelings fuel the desire to please. But what happens when those feelings diminish? If you don’t feel like doing the right thing, perhaps you won’t do it at all. I didn’t feel like turning off the lights that night at our apartment, so I didn’t.

4. Each Spouse has a Tendency to Focus on the Weakness of the Other. Ask a husband or wife to list their spouse’s strengths in one column and the weaknesses in another and the weaknesses will usually outnumber the strengths five to one.

Ultimately, the world’s plan, the 50/50 performance relationship, is destined to fail because it is contrary to God’s plan.

What a marriage needs is the Super Glue of Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.” It’s what we refer to as the 100/100 Plan, which requires a 100 percent effort from each of you to serve your spouse.

The Bible describes this plan well in Matthew 22:39: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There’s no closer neighbor than the one you wake up to each morning! And since most of us love ourselves passionately, we are well on the way to implementing the 100/100 Plan if we take a similar approach to loving our spouses.

Start by stating the 100/100 Plan like this: “I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return.” In marriage you will hear a voice that says, “Why are you making the bed this morning when she wouldn’t bring you a soft drink last night?” Or, “Why should I not buy this outfit when he spent fifty dollars last weekend on golf?”

That voice has to be silenced if you are going to live out the 100/100 Plan. Yes, there will be times when one person appears to get the advantage in the relationship. But love requires sacrifice. Stick with the 100/100 Plan and you will see fruit-increasing cooperation and intimacy in your marriage.

A bit of grace always helps too. Sometimes a couple can make issues out of things that really don’t matter. Maybe we had parents who did that as we grew up, but that’s not the type of person I want to be or one I’d enjoy living with. Barbara and I have learned over the years to let a lot slide; we don’t take issue or talk about many minor disappointments.

Marriage is the union of two imperfect people who in their selfishness, sinfulness, and demands of each other will cause disappointment and hurt. You must lay aside those difficulties and hold fast to forgiveness, love, and Christ’s command to love even those who don’t at times appear to love you.

You will never have all of your expectations met in marriage on this fallen planet. But if you concentrate on implementing the 100/100 Plan, your life will be so full of satisfaction that you may not care.

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We pray this message ministers to your marriage.Cindy and Steve Wright

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