To seriously date or to consider marrying a non-Christian is outside the will of God. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?”
The verb “bound together” literally means “unequally yoked.” Paul is recalling the Old Testament command in Deuteronomy 22:10, “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.”
God forbade yoking together beasts of such diverse sizes and strengths because the excessive chafing of the yoke would injure both animals. In the same way, Paul says that a binding relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian will be mutually injurous because they are so essentially different.
Of course, some marriages eventually become centered around God when the non-believing spouse later comes to Christ. However, for every instance where an unequally yoked marriage recovers in this way, there are a dozen tragedies. When a true Christian marries a non-Christian, there is almost certainly great suffering ahead. Christians who violate God’s will in this way have based their marriage relationships around something or someone other than Christ. They have compromised their relationship with God.
We can be thankful that God will not reject us for such lapses in judgment. But He has never promised to preserve us from pain when we defy His will. Besides the pain we will likely bear from such a decision, compromising our faith suggests that Jesus Christ is not the most important Person in our life. This will hardly increase respect for our faith.
More importantly, there is no reason to believe that a non-Christian (or a “Christian” who is uninterested in the things of God) will change after marriage. The record shows that this rarely happens, and the Bible pointedly reminds us that God gives us no such assurance. Paul asks of mixed partners in 1 Corinthians 7:16,” …how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” Remember, we are free to choose whom we marry, but we are also responsible for the possible lifelong consequences.
How easily we can say, “I’m ready to accept that responsibility,” until we experience the painful results of ignoring God’s will! Often an unequally yoked person returns to follow God closely years later and faces stiff opposition from a non-Christian spouse. Even worse, unequally yoked believers may permanently compromise their commitment to Christ in order to keep peace in the home. Children also invariably suffer in such marriages.
Considering the clear biblical teaching against marrying non-Christians, Christians need to be honest with themselves when they consider entering, or continuing, a romantic relationship of this sort. Embarking on such a relationship, they are really denying that God knows best how to bring fulfillment into their lives, and that he is committed to their good. (See Matthew 7:11 and Deuteronomy 10:13.) Such a denial constitutes a betrayal of what we say we believe about God: that he is our wise and loving heavenly Father who always seeks our good.
Before going ahead, ask yourself: What evidence can you find that God has ever been wrong or unloving in His dealings with you? When have you ever regretted, in any lasting way, following God’s will? Why would this issue be any different?
No matter how “right” a relationship feels, God’s will concerning seriously dating or marrying a non-Christian will not change. If you find yourself drawn toward such a situation, resolve now to obey God despite the cost. Any delay only makes the decision harder. Even though you may feel terrible pain for a while, you will look back later and realize this decision was one of the best you ever made.
We have never met a Christian who wishes he or she had gone ahead into marriage with their non-Christian dating partner. But we have met scores of miserable Christians who would do anything if they could go back and change their decision to marry a non-Christian or a disinterested Christian. Seek out an older Christian for advice and support as you trust God. You’ll be thankful sooner than you think!
The above article comes from the book, The Myth of Romance written by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it.
What is especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.
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(UNITED STATES) I married my husband thinking that he was saved and interested in doing the things of God. We went to church together before we got married and he read his Bible often. We stopped doing many of the sinful things we use to do. I continue to grow and he did not. He’s been to church with me finally once after 3 years of marriage and has not been again in months. I am absolutely miserable. I thought that we were going to grow in God together. I love him, but if there was a way out of this marriage I might be willing to take it.
We have a daughter together, who I prayed for, without thinking about how she might be affected by our horrible marriage. I thought I could guide her on my own, with prayer and guidance from God. I don’t know anymore. My husband curses and drinks still and he hangs around unsaved people the majority of the time. I am so very unhappy. I cry several times a month I’m sure. He has those people come over our house with their drinking and cursing. I feel like I’m judging people, but I am just so uncomfortable. I am miserable.
I’ve looked up apartments on the internet. I have thoughts of him cheating on me when he’s not here, even though he’s usually at the neighbors drinking. But how do I know what’s going on over there? I’m not there and I don’t want to be. I have nothing in common with them. I’m so tired of crying and being miserable. I don’t want my little girl to be in a broken home. I don’t want to be miserable either. I guess if I had to choose, which I guess I do. I have to be miserable, but still she will see her daddy doing sinful things. Either way this all is heartbreaking. He’s home now, but I’m still miserable.
(USA) I too am married to a non-believer. Not only is he a non-believer in Christ, he is another religion altogether. Not to get too specific, but one of the Eastern religions. I regret EVERY day getting myself into this situation. I knew it was wrong and through a series of bad decisions, did it anyway. Long story short, I got married because I got pregnant. We got married in court, not even in a house of God. I hope God will forgive me for doing such things that I knew full well were wrong before I did them. I know I have to face the consequences of my choices, for the rest of my life. I wish I could have faith that He has forgiven me.
If anyone reading this could clear up some confusion, I do have one question. I’ve read what God says about what to do in a situation of having ignored His commands and already married a non-believer (stay with them unless THEY want to leave, as long as they are not committing infidelity because they may eventually come to Christ) but does this apply as well to spouses who do believe in something else– false gods? Is a "believer in nothing" the same as a "believer in something else"?
Every day, I want to leave this marriage- but I know if I did, my husband would be devastated (and probably try to get back at me any way he could- he has said he’ll try to take our child if I ever leave him. He’s also said he’d rather kill himself than get divorced.). Plus, he’d never have any chance at all to know Christ if I was no longer in his life, not that he’s showing any interest anyway.
I am so afraid that he will win over our child into his "faith" though. And, selfishly, I am miserable in the marriage. I am not in love with him, and see no point to try to fall in love with him, because I know we will not be together in eternity. I already cannot bear the thought of him in Hell, it would be all the harder if I let myself love him more deeply. I don’t even know if I have salvation any more, I’ve never felt more far from God. I cannot even trust my husband with our child because I would rather die than have my child learn to follow a false religion.
Bottom line, if you’re considering marrying a non-Christian (especially someone of another faith), DON’T DO IT! With the sole exception of my child, who is the love of my life, I cannot think of one positive thing to have come out of my getting involved in this relationship. I hope that at least I can convince someone out there who is about to step into a mess like I’ve made for myself, to stop and re-think what you’re about to do!
(IRELAND) JULY 11TH 2008 10.50.PM I married over 17 years ago … a man I thought was ‘good’, intelligent and someone with whom I had SO much in common. It didn’t seem to matter THEN that he didn’t have an interest in the things of God that I had. We had so much else in common.. politics, the desire for a family etc.
In my heart of hearts I knew I was betraying my very first love…the LORD Jesus.. HE WAS NOT FIRST IN THE RELATIONSHIP… FAR FROM IT. As the years passed I was busy with having children, keeping a home… it was when my thoughts returned to My Lord, my desire that my children know HIM, that the trouble and the ridicule began. Everything was fine as long as I was a back-slidden Christian. But when tragedy struck… my Christian mother went to be with the Lord and I turned back to Him in my sorrow and remorse… it was then that I TRULY saw him for the first time. I realized how angry and far from God he really was.
Since that time I seem to be living a shadow, half-life. I speak with him about mundane things but my true self is far away. I cannot leave.. it doesn’t seem right either.. yet my life is a lie. I yearn to serve the Lord and have my children know him but he ridicules my beliefs. I continue to pray and trust the Lord but I would caution any Christian to heed the warning in GOD’S word and ‘be not unequally yoked with unbelievers’.
(CANADA) I came across this article by accident. I am not married to an unbeliever but am in an on again off again relationship with one, and the only reason I keep letting him back in my life is because we have a child together. The funny thing is I came across this website, doing some research for a birthday present for him. We are currently not together but the ache of wanting him is so strong. I can relate somewhat to the posts here, especially the first one. My ex is a heavy drinker and it’s one of the things that I dislike about him and don’t want around our daughter.
Though I struggle with letting go and taking him back, I think God has really had his hand on me. My ex asked me to move in with him after our daughter was born and I just couldn’t do it. That has been the best decision of my life. Even today I have wondered whether or not I should give him another chance, but I believe God let me find this to remind me that I can trust Him in what He has in store for me — that I can let go completely and I will be ok.
I do hope that the ladies who have written here already will get a chance to read this. One thing I want to share with you is that God is SO Faithful. Even when we fall, screw up, or take a step back. He is right beside us, He NEVER leaves us. So no matter how low we feel today, how miserable, how alone, we can lean on Him. Romans 8:28 states that God works everything out for our good, and even the most difficult of situations are a drop in the bucket to Him. If you remember one thing from reading this I hope it is this: Don’t look at how big your problem is, but rather look at how BIG OUR GOD IS!!!! He’s BIG. He created us inside and out, he can handle us, our spouses, our children… because He is the one that gave all of us life and fashioned us the way we are.
We are ALL FORGIVEN… God bless!
(UNITED STATES) I read the above stories and have heard many more of the same kind throughout my years. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when Yahweh says something, it is truly for our own good and we should heed and obey His words. We mustn’t listen to others or even our own hearts which can be blinded at times, but instead turn to him who created us. Surely he knows us better than we know ourselves!
I have been going through some major crossroads, I am a homeschooling mom who has three children and know the difficulties being "unequally yoked" brings. I also know that despite what comes on a day to day basis I must continue to:
1.) be faithful to my FIRST love by living out my faith and obeying his words and, 2.) also be faithful next to my spouse by treating him with respect, love, and kindness to the best of my ability which will come from spending time first with the Lord! This way I keep a humble and repentant heart and can honestly say that I’ve done everything I could and obeyed HIS word, so whatever happens it will be not on me.
I want to be free from guilt, bitterness, and pride, etc. If my spouse feels they need to leave then let it be because I did not treat him awfully but did quite the contrary! I was so good to him and treated him like a king but just refused to dishonor or worship THE KING! Compromise was no longer – is- no longer an option I want to play out, lest I stand in judgment before my Lord and Savior.
You’re right, it’s not easy, and the Father knows this. If living out your faith was going to be an "easy" thing, then you would have been with the majority of disciples who left Him because it got too tough! This is all part of the testing of your faith. And if you want to make it to the end and hear God say "well done good and faithful servant…" then you must endure. There is no other way around it. Just endure no matter where you are or what you do, just hang in there, get some good support and cling heavily to the One who really loves you and understands you best!
Like I said earlier you don’t know how it will turn out. Use your experiences to help and warn others and hopefully they will listen but if they don’t then they too must reap what they willingly sow.
Also, the one thing that helps keep me focused and may hopefully help anyone else is that you have to realize and ask yourself that no matter how much you compromise (which you shouldn’t do with matters of faith), or how much you pray (which is a good thing), it doesn’t mean your spouse WILL come to the Lord. Ultimately that decision is reserved in life by your spouse – husband or wife- and God. You see HE "knows his sheep and they hear his voice" so who but God knows who belongs in his fold and doesn’t. You cannot push and force the issue.
You CAN live out your faith by deeds, and that means sometimes creating strife and division, not because you’re doing it intentionally but because one is serving light and the other is unknowingly serving darkness. Remember also that vows are important to keep whether to the Lord or to your spouse and children. We must be a people of our word and whatever else happens, it happens.
Stay focused and keep your head held high (not in prideful arrogance) by knowing who you are in Christ and continue to do your best to live peaceably with all men. Who knows, what could happen, or whether the Lord will deliver you or not? For now (whether we like it or not), we must lay in the bed we made until God says otherwise. Keep praying and keep the faith! God loves you!!! And so do I my sister/brother.
(USA) I knew in my heart that my husband was not a Christian when we got married. I knew better and I went ahead and married him anyway. My family is full of pastors, missionaries, and evangelists and I believed that I was still doing the right thing.
It is 6 years later and this week he told me he could not be a Christian, he could not be the man that I needed and that he has been living a lie all of these years. I was afraid of breaking his heart when we were dating, now I wish I had taken the right step and done the right thing. I feel like a little of me is dying inside. It is unreal the events of this week.
I think he has already decided to leave me. I have no idea what will happen. I don’t feel close enough to anyone to confide about this so a group of strangers on a website is the best I have. I am thankful that we do not have any children, but I still LOVE HIM and I don’t want to lose him.
(USA) I, too am married to an unbeliever. There are days when I know that my family is made clean by the believer. I wish I had listened to my friends because my life is so hard some days. I know that my covenant is with God. I pray that my husband will be saved and I believe God for it, but now I know how awful it is to live with someone who denies him and has even said he doesn’t want to know God.
I cling to his word and what it says. I know that for my disobedience I suffer everyday. It does break my heart to have a selfish spouse and he says and does hurtful things to me and the children verbally and by his behavior. I tell them to forgive him for his words and his actions and don’t be like him. Speak life into him, speak the word into him. Ask God to give you what you need to keep serving him no matter what.
Because of my pain of the past 9 years and 3 children, I will keep trusting God to get me through it even though I don’t deserve it. I love God more because he has never left me. I also know that I have to keep in God’s presence all the more. I caution anyone listening NOT TO MARRY AN UNBELIEVER. You will suffer so many trials and may even lose sight that joy comes from the Lord, not people or things.
I still thank God that he loves me and I have beautiful children that love God. Be blessed, keep the faith, and most of all keep enduring no matter the cost. God will see you through all of it. I pray for all people in my situation because now I know how incredibly hard it is.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m glad I came across this page and all the comments are helpful. I too am yoked to an unbeliever – we have been together for 3 years now, and it has resulted in a beautiful daughter (turning 2 now), as well as me backsliding to the point where it seems I’m the only one who knows that I love my God.
See, 5 years ago I was basking in the bosom of my church, showered with blessings, had a good, Godly man given unto me and we were preparing for marriage when it came out that he had been having a 5-month-long relationship with another church member. I was devastated, but sought help from my pastors and we seemed to be sorting things out, when banns of marriage were announced in church and he was to marry the other lady. That really shook my faith – in my church, my pastors, and yes, in God.
I survived the ensuing months through sheer stubbornness, but had to concede defeat when I was gently, but surely ostracized in my own church, then I drifted away, occasionally making it to my church, visiting other churches, but it was just never the same.
When I met my current boyfriend he was able to make me smile again. He’s affectionate, funny, considerate, and loving, but he also drinks. Then becomes loud and jolly (really!) and swears a lot. It’s been insidious but I have now slipped into his way of life and I’m in a bad place coz I have received acceptance from the "other side" when I was shunned by "the good side".
I realise that all I should have held on to was "God’s side" from the beginning and I wouldn’t be in this quandary I’m in right now: I love my boyfriend and he loves me, shows it, doesn’t mistreat me, loves his daughter to bits. But I am now starting to find my way back to Christ and I know it will be difficult to have my cake and eat it: I shouldn’t have yoked myself… and now there’s no turning back.
(INDONESIA) I entered into an unequally yoked marriage just a few weeks ago and I already regret my decision. What makes it worse is that I think I know who my real soulmate is but now I can’t do anything about it. I feel very evil for having hurt my God, and for having abandoned His will. We actually broke up a few months before the wedding, because he could not accept my dedication to the Lord. I should have let him go instead of begging him to give us another chance. I asked him back for all the wrong reasons… in hindsight, they were all trivial and practical matters that were not important at all.
I hope whoever reads this will not do the same mistakes. You may hurt like crazy when you have to leave an unequal partner… but I believe it would have been worth it because God has someone and something far better than what you think is best for you.
(U.S.A) I am married to a unbeliever, but thinking I was marrying a believer. I also let my father down by not taking heed to his voice. I have confessed my wrong before him, he has forgiven me. Then I asked him, where do I go from here? He lead me to his word of unequal yoking and does not expect a believer to remain in this kind of marriage, because we can never be fully received by him being with darkness.
He looks at this totally different from being in a marriage with two people and later one of them become a believer, he can work in that but unequal it’s been trouble, misery, sadness, anger, division, separation, verbally abuse, negativity of words to tear me down. My pastor tells me my father will release me from this but have to remain unmarried, because not only am I accepting an unbeliever in my life but satan also. And with satan having access to this kind of marriage it gives him room to attack.
COME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(USA) Dear miserable, lighten up and embrace the fact that Jesus was around "unbelievers" all the time. Question? Does your husband love you? Does he treat you well in spite of his "backsliding"? Does he love his daughter? We are never promised that the ones we love will stay the same forever. Life happens and change happens. What matters is how you respond to the change.
(USA) DO NOT MARRY AN UNBELIEVER… I did knowingly and now my life is completely miserable. I constantly feel guilty and wonder if I am now going to Hell. It creates tons of problems and nothing gets better. If you are looking into this, then it is already a problem and should be considered a red flag not to marry your nonbeliever partner. I am truly miserable.
(USA) I’ve been dating a non believer for 4 years. He’s an amazing person, we connect on so many levels. The huge issue is that we don’t connect spiritually. The first two years of our relationship was beautiful, people thought we were made for each other. I realize now that it wasn’t real "beauty"; it was just me not growing in Christ. I didn’t talk about God so there wasn’t any problems.
I finally reconnected with Christ and felt really guilty about being unequally yoked. So I discussed this with him, and it was very difficult. We talked it out and decided to wait and see what would happened. He said he might change… That never happened, and now it’s two years later.
We were getting really serious to the point where we talked marriage. Every time we discussed this it was always an issue because I stated that I wanted to raise my children in a Christian home. I stated that I wanted a Christian husband so we can grow together in our faith. After all the months of on and off again arguing about the same issue we finally broke up this past weekend.
This was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I feel in my heart that it was the right one. I do still love him very much and I want to be with him, but I decided that my love for Jesus is greater. I don’t know what our future holds, but I know that I will need to lean on the Lord everyday. I hope that he will find God for himself one day and hopefully we can reunite.
This is a very good and encouraging article and all of the comments above have confirmed to me that I made the right decision.
I will keep all the people in my prayers who married an unbeliever. Please pray for me that I will have the strength to continue in God’s will.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am currently in the position that I am still thoroughly in love with a unbelieving woman even though we broke it off more than a year ago. It might just be because she was my first love, but shortly after I first admitted my feelings towards her to myself, I started feeling that this is the one woman I truly need in order to live.
With all our other problems, not the least that she is Indian, and I am white, and that neither of our families approve, left aside she is still the only one I want to wake up next too.
Now I am in the position where I constantly feel the need to just talk to her. My life does not seem worth living. If it were up to me I would have tried to find a way to marry her. Even though I feel she truly does want to know God, she is too stubborn and too angry at the world to be able to accept Him.
I have not have contact with her for a long time but still constantly pray that she will find Him. My biggest problem right now is stopping myself from contacting her and deciding to marry her anyway.
Don’t make my mistake, as soon as you find you have even the least romantic feelings towards a unbelieving person break contact with that person if you have too.
(USA) If you marry or date an unbeliever you will truly feel the most misery. You will suffer in ways you did not know you could. Yes, it doesn’t matter if you love them or not… they do not belong to God and could never really love a God who they hate. If a person denies Christ He hates God, PERIOD. There are no acceptations.
(MOROCCO) I think you people are misguided on the meaning of 2 Corinthians 6:14-17. This is not a passage about marriage; it is about setting yourself apart from the wicked and not tolerating evil in your life. Don’t be burdened by holding on to sinfulness, as though you are yoked to it. Correct me if I am wrong but I don’t think anywhere in the Bible marriage is referred to as a yoking.
2 Corinthians 7:14 "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband, otherwise your children would be unclean" Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife" Mathew 19:6 "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, He cannot deny Himself."
So lets think about this. If GOD joins you to your wife, and you are now one flesh, and he dwells in you (2 Corinthians 6:16) He will never remove your salvation nor will He yoke himself to evil. It cannot be sinful to be married to a non believer and any children you have will be holy. Did not Christ say love thy neighbor as you love yourself? Second Commandment wasn’t it? I didn’t see anything where it said love thy neighbor only if he is a believer or not. I think if we join in marriage and one is not a Christian God sees that you are willing to take a chance and I believe he will change the mind of the non believer.
Isn’t it wrong not to marry someone solely based on there religious preference? Let’s say you fall in love with someone who is not a Christian, but he is a good man, treats you right, is very tolerant and respectful of your beliefs. Is it still wrong then to marry them? I think it’s ridiculous to exclude other humans based on their religious preference.
ASK YOURSELF THIS… WHY WOULD YOU RELY ON THE CHURCH TO TEACH YOU HOW TO THINK AND UNDERSTAND THE WORD? YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE MOLDED INTO WHAT "YOUR CHURCH" REPRESENTS? WHY DID THOSE CHRISTIANS MARRY A "NON-BELIEVER" HAVING HIGH HOPES THEIR SPOUSE WOULD CHANGE? WHY WOULD I WANT TO CHANGE THE RELATIONSHIP MY SPOUSE HAS WITH GOD (EVEN THOUGH IT MAY BE DIFFERENT FROM MINE)? WHO AM I TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED IS NOT REAL?
Most of people that posted their testimonials saying that they are living through hell and regret their decisions, must have their daughters and their relatives and siblings that are not real believers and maybe are agnostics & atheists so shouldn’t you consider them and love them? Isn’t God Love and Love is God? How can anyone know someone’s heart? You can know their nature from their actions and words and upbringing. Not that it is foolproof. The Holy Spirit should be in you and guide you in all truth. The devil is not going around as an unbeliever with fanged teeth and horns, no, he will be posing as a believer.
Just be sure that the person you marry has a good heart. It should not be too difficult to search this out. You may be able to make a convert of him and his family. You may be able to witness to many unbelievers. How else can God’s family grow in size? Okay, you might be able to have multiple children, but we are told to go out and make believers of nonbelievers.
And what about those married to those that claim to be believers and they go to the church and read the Bible and so on …but they treat them bad & are abusive to them & unkind to people that are not like them or look different than them? Where is the Love of the other as loving yourself? How can you make people love you and love your God if you’re acting like this and rejecting the other ..?!! Stop playing God because it’s up to God to change people like He changed you and made you born again …Respect others beliefs and pray for them if you think you have the correct faith … Love for them what you love for yourself…Treat others the way you want to be treated …Show them the teachings of your faith in your acts in your behaviour & in your real daily life instead of rejecting them and calling them names & making them feel inferior to you.
That’s my point after reading your blog & also after gathering and reading a lot of views …By the way, I am Muslim. Peace be upon you.
(USA) Thank you for caring enough to check the book – and unless you have asked the Lord Jesus Christ to open your mind so that you understand His words, you cannot interpret those verses in the sense that God meant them. Go back – pray to God, ask him to and He will. In the meantime –
Ladies and Gentlemen. God may forgive us. It may or may not be legally "okay". You may live in happiness, you may not.
But above all! Marrying a person who is not of 1 – your faith, 2- your denomination (this one is not set in stone) 3 – and of the same level of commitment toward seeking God that you are – YOU ARE UNEQUALLY YOKED. Marry someone from a different region, race, ethnicity YOU WILL BE UNEQUALLY YOKED.
As male and female in the flesh – WE ARE UNEQUALLY YOKED.
So you see – if you marry a flat non-believer, you will really be unequally yoked. Marriage is hard enough to complicate it by marrying someone we are incompatible with for what ever reason. What does this mean where religion is concerned? It means that you will have nothing in common with your spouse on the most important and foundational level – your belief in Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was understood as primarily a teacher and mediator during his ministry. It is His counsel and His counsel alone that is Godly. Cohabitate with an unbeliever and you will be listening, hearing, and living with a person whose every word is UNGUIDED by God. And it is awful. And they see foolishness in the things of God. Foolishness in peace, foolishness in obedience, foolishness in study and worship.
They cannot but help to see these things because God has not opened their minds to accept His truth. And that has to come from God. You cannot make God to force salvation on your unbelieving spouse. Even if God offers it – and I believe He does offer it to unbelieving spouses – it is the spouse’s choice. You cannot change that. You cannot change your spouse’s heart. And the human heart is by nature enmity (hatred, opposition, fighting, I see a connotation of verbal hatred etc here as well – it is no fun to live like that)
And if you have a spouse that does not stand in the way of your worship – count yourself blessed. But if you do have a spouse that stands in the way of your worship – Act as God tells you. Take the example of Christ – when led like a lamb to the slaughter he "opened not His mouth". Pray, pray, pray. Live your Christian walk. Do not compromise as you did when you married. Today you are equally yoked with Christ and married to Him. He is your husband!
Scriptural backup for the above Psalm 1:1
Happy are you when you don’t listen to the ungodly, when you stand out of the way of people intent on their sins and when you don’t spend casual time with people who mock God. (My translation – btw – God led me to this this morning)
I married an man who believes in JudeoChristianity but lives his own life. When I married him he had a porn addiction, a sex addiction and was a marijuana addict. Here is how STUPID we can be – How delusional we can become when we talk ourselves into what God is okay with and what He is not – rather than simply going with what He says.
I stood in front of my pastor (who should NEVER have agreed to perform that wedding – if you have a pastor who is willing to put you in the boat of life with a person who very well may start rowing in the opposite direction with the first storm – you need to find another church) and prayed "God, I know he is an unbeliever. I know that I am becoming unequally yoked. I know Your word says not to do this. But I love him, he needs me (and whatever other senseless drivel – like he wanted a church wedding how bad can he be?) and I pledge to you God -I will live with him until death. I know the NT teaching on divorce and remarraige and I promise to live with him until death."
Brothers and Sisters please – Don’t underestimate the power of your own stupidity when you are walking by the flesh. Don’t do this thing. I cannot think of one other thing that I would say not to do above this: Don’t marry an unbeliever.
Just don’t do it.
If you are like me, and now you are stuck? Remember as long as they are pleased to dwell with you, you stay married. Sadly, for all of us the answer is TOUGH LUCK. Tough choice, tough consequences. Answer: Join with me as I stumble along with God as I allow him to show me the way out of the misery. Not necessarily the way out of the marriage – but the way out of the misery.
Google "the love dare book".
Finally – here is a passage that I return to again and again. I searched the Bible for an example of a woman married to an unbeliever (guys, your example is the book of Hosea) and I found in in the story of Abigail and Nabal.
1st Samuel Chapter 25.
In the interest of letting the Lord speak to you, I will not make comment here except to say look at the types of people: Nabal – as the unbeliever, disobedient, scornful, ungrateful (as unbelievers are) Abigail, his wife – as the pious, respectful, obedient daughter of God and David – widely taught as a type of Christ.
Read it, see where everyone’s loyalties lay and see how Abigail handled the situation. May it bless you as it did me.
I will paste it here for you:
1Sa 25:1 Then Samuel died; and the Israelites gathered together and lamented for him, and buried him at his home in Ramah. And David arose and went down to the Wilderness of Paran.
1Sa 25:2 Now there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel, and the man was very rich. He had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. And he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
1Sa 25:3 The name of the man was Nabal, and the name of his wife Abigail. And she was a woman of good understanding and beautiful appearance; but the man was harsh and evil in his doings. He was of the house of Caleb.
1Sa 25:4 When David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep,
1Sa 25:5 David sent ten young men; and David said to the young men, "Go up to Carmel, go to Nabal, and greet him in my name.
1Sa 25:6 And thus you shall say to him who lives in prosperity: ‘Peace be to you, peace to your house, and peace to all that you have!
1Sa 25:7 Now I have heard that you have shearers. Your shepherds were with us, and we did not hurt them, nor was there anything missing from them all the while they were in Carmel.
1Sa 25:8 Ask your young men, and they will tell you. Therefore let my young men find favor in your eyes, for we come on a feast day. Please give whatever comes to your hand to your servants and to your son David.’ "
1Sa 25:9 So when David’s young men came, they spoke to Nabal according to all these words in the name of David, and waited.
1Sa 25:10 Then Nabal answered David’s servants, and said, "Who is David, and who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants nowadays who break away each one from his master.
1Sa 25:11 Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers, and give it to men when I do not know where they are from?"
1Sa 25:12 So David’s young men turned on their heels and went back; and they came and told him all these words.
1Sa 25:13 Then David said to his men, "Every man gird on his sword." So every man girded on his sword, and David also girded on his sword. And about four hundred men went with David, and two hundred stayed with the supplies.
1Sa 25:14 Now one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, saying, "Look, David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master; and he reviled them.
1Sa 25:15 But the men were very good to us, and we were not hurt, nor did we miss anything as long as we accompanied them, when we were in the fields.
1Sa 25:16 They were a wall to us both by night and day, all the time we were with them keeping the sheep.
1Sa 25:17 Now therefore, know and consider what you will do, for harm is determined against our master and against all his household. For he is such a scoundrel that one cannot speak to him."
1Sa 25:18 Then Abigail made haste and took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five sheep already dressed, five seahs of roasted grain, one hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and loaded them on donkeys.
1Sa 25:19 And she said to her servants, "Go on before me; see, I am coming after you." But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
1Sa 25:20 So it was, as she rode on the donkey, that she went down under cover of the hill; and there were David and his men, coming down toward her, and she met them.
1Sa 25:21 Now David had said, "Surely in vain I have protected all that this fellow has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that belongs to him. And he has repaid me evil for good.
1Sa 25:22 May God do so, and more also, to the enemies of David, if I leave one male of all who belong to him by morning light."
1Sa 25:23 Now when Abigail saw David, she dismounted quickly from the donkey, fell on her face before David, and bowed down to the ground.
1Sa 25:24 So she fell at his feet and said: "On me, my lord, on me let this iniquity be! And please let your maidservant speak in your ears, and hear the words of your maidservant.
1Sa 25:25 Please, let not my lord regard this scoundrel Nabal. For as his name is, so is he: Nabal is his name, and folly is with him! But I, your maidservant, did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent.
1Sa 25:26 Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives and as your soul lives, since the LORD has held you back from coming to bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hand, now then, let your enemies and those who seek harm for my lord be as Nabal.
1Sa 25:27 And now this present which your maidservant has brought to my lord, let it be given to the young men who follow my lord.
1Sa 25:28 Please forgive the trespass of your maidservant. For the LORD will certainly make for my lord an enduring house, because my lord fights the battles of the LORD, and evil is not found in you throughout your days.
1Sa 25:29 Yet a man has risen to pursue you and seek your life, but the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living with the LORD your God; and the lives of your enemies He shall sling out, as from the pocket of a sling.
1Sa 25:30 And it shall come to pass, when the LORD has done for my lord according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you, and has appointed you ruler over Israel,
1Sa 25:31 that this will be no grief to you, nor offense of heart to my lord, either that you have shed blood without cause, or that my lord has avenged himself. But when the LORD has dealt well with my lord, then remember your maidservant."
1Sa 25:32 Then David said to Abigail: "Blessed is the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me!
1Sa 25:33 And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand.
1Sa 25:34 For indeed, as the LORD God of Israel lives, who has kept me back from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me, surely by morning light no males would have been left to Nabal!"
1Sa 25:35 So David received from her hand what she had brought him, and said to her, "Go up in peace to your house. See, I have heeded your voice and respected your person."
1Sa 25:36 Now Abigail went to Nabal, and there he was, holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. And Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk; therefore she told him nothing, little or much, until morning light.
1Sa 25:37 So it was, in the morning, when the wine had gone from Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became like a stone.
1Sa 25:38 Then it happened, after about ten days, that the LORD struck Nabal, and he died.
1Sa 25:39 So when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Blessed be the LORD, who has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and has kept His servant from evil! For the LORD has returned the wickedness of Nabal on his own head." And David sent and proposed to Abigail, to take her as his wife.
1Sa 25:40 When the servants of David had come to Abigail at Carmel, they spoke to her saying, "David sent us to you, to ask you to become his wife."
1Sa 25:41 Then she arose, bowed her face to the earth, and said, "Here is your maidservant, a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord."
1Sa 25:42 So Abigail rose in haste and rode on a donkey, attended by five of her maidens; and she followed the messengers of David, and became his wife.
1Sa 25:43 David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel, and so both of them were his wives.
1Sa 25:44 But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David’s wife, to Palti the son of Laish, who was from Gallim.
God has not left us without an example. Follow the example of Christ and follow the example of Abigail.
May God bless all of us.
(USA) I have been with a ‘Christian’ for over 2 years now. We have a daughter, and we are not married. When I first met him, I told him that the #1 most important thing to me in a relationship was being with a believer, a Christian. He said he was, and that he went to church. I accepted it… Then when it came down to it, he fought going to church, it has been an uphill battle for the past 2 years.
He never see’s things the way that I do when it comes to raising out daughter in a Christian home. He is opposite of me, and his mind is warped. YES he is a good person, he is a good father, and he is a good provider. BUT NO, not a good potential husband. He called my Bible “a bunch of papers bound together by a leather strap” (this is after 2 years of being together). He lied to me about what I held closest to my heart, Jesus!!
So now I have no other choice. He obviously refuses to believe in Jesus, and has no respect for my beliefs, so I am done. He also went as far as to say that I could be homeless living under a bridge, but I would still have my Bible with me, and I told him, ‘yes, you are right.’ He verbally persecuted me for being a Christian, and ripped me to shreds. Now he cannot understand why I am leaving him, after he tore my heart out.
You have to follow God and remain true to Him, No MATTER WHAT! It has been 2 years of hell for me, and it is going to be the hardest decision of my entire life (since it will be like a divorce with a one year old and all). But I have to stay strong and pray that God keeps me strong and sends angels into my life.
This is spiritual warfare, and I refuse to be brought down. The pain will be temporary, but there will be immense happiness in the long run. I am so thankful that we never got married. It would be much harder to leave him.
I always used to think in the past when we would fight, that if I left him then I was giving up on him and not showing him Christ. But once he ‘threw’ the Bible in my face, that was the last straw, and my final turning point. God wants your heart, not 1/2 of it. He wants all of it, and sometimes He is going to see how far you will go to give it 100% to Him.
(USA) This site has been very helpful. I have found more reasons to stick to my descision to wait on the Lord to give me a man after His own heart. May the Lord help all who have already made the mistakes. God bless u all.
(USA) On Monday I sent my Catholic raised “Christian,” uninterested in following Christ and the things of God boyfriend, on his way. I cried my eyes out knowing I would miss him so much but that I needed to obey God! It is now Saturday and I’m missing him dreadfully and being tempted by the enemy to allow him back in so that I won’t have to be lonely.
At first he seemed to treat me better than every boyfriend of the past (who were all devout Christians) and this helped me justify that maybe deep down inside he was a true Christian and just didn’t express it in words. The deception continued -my believing that he was on his way to devotion through my witness- and I stepped further and further from who I am in Christ. I realized that I was meeting him halfway and then continued to bury my life in Christ so as not to disturb the peace of the relationship. It was perfect if I kept my mouth shut about God!
The last straw was my desire to return to church as I always had and bravely mentioned going the Sunday morning before sending him off. He got a stern look of contempt on his face and a deep surge of anger seemed just under the surface of his being. He kept a straight face though and didn’t let it explode. How many times had I endured this before? Too many! He said, “You go. I’ll explore the city while you’re there. Well, actually, I’ll take a look at the building first just to know where YOU go to church.” I knew this was going to be my life with this man. All the sharing of the gospel and relentless patience through his attacks, questions and opposition to my faith were not helping point him to Christ! That was the last time I would be discouraged from loving my Lord.
I am 32 and it is hard to be patient. Where are the men who love you, Lord? I am blessed by these women’s testimonies because I had many dreams (nightmares really) of tearfully taking my unborn children to church without this man who wanted to marry me and have children with me. I seriously considered it. He didn’t think there was any problem. I didn’t want to raise my children to know the Lord only to have him tell them the opposite (that they came from monkeys!). I didn’t dream of being divided spiritually and having to work so hard to cover up my faith. How in the world did I get here? Slowly… One small step of disobedience at a time. Remarkable. I’m on my way back though! I have turned from my unbelieving boyfriend and I need to write him a closing letter of some sort so I don’t leave things in contempt. I will wait for a man who loves God more than me. I don’t want to be worshiped -I want to worship the Lord next to my spiritual leader. Where is he?
(USA) I am surprised to read the stories of some Christians who have children with non-christians, but would not marry them! What a joke! Are believers supposed to have sex and children with non-beleivers? If you have given your bodies to them without being married to them, what is left? It’s adultery! Does not the Bible teach you to sleep only with your husbands/wives? I see no righteousness in sleeping with non-beleivers, but not marrying them. I do not know if marrying a non-beleiver is a sin or not, but adultery is a sin.
(INDIA) I was just thinking about making a move on this woman (Non Believer) whom I have loved for many years and I prayed a lot asking for God’s will – I accidentally clicked on this site and this is the answer. Now I know that I was about to forsake my first love- Christ. Thank you Lord for your answer.