The following was written by Dr. Lynn Weiss
when asked the following questions:
My spouse has an awful temper but blames me for causing it. What can I do to avoid triggering it? Is there anything I can do to take the steam out of his temper if he won’t work on it?
ANSWER: When you two are in a calm mood, ask him what hurt him. Then, practice saying things in a matter-of-fact way. Know, however, that he needs to take responsibility for his display of temper.
Do not reinforce his temper. When he blasts off, do not argue. The most you want to say is, “I’ll talk with you when you’re calm.” You may need to wait until he is calm to say this.
Most people with tempers will display just as much temper as they can get away with. So, if you don’t like the temper outbursts, tell him you are simply unwilling to put up with them. Tell him what will happen when he allows his temper to get out of control. You might say, “When you yell, I’m going to leave the house. I’ll return when you speak in a normal voice.” Then you must be willing to follow through. You will find that you can set the limit anywhere you want and, if you mean it, the person will adjust his behavior.
Dr Weiss also addresses the issue of controlling your own temper. The following is advice she’s written to help you with this problem:
GETTING YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL:
The earlier temper control is begun, the easier it is to effect alternative ways for its management. A temper is something that lives only through reinforcement. It can be controlled in the child if the child is taught to find other means to get his or her needs met. But, because that rarely happens, let’s pick up on the adult level, learning how to break the temper cycle.
Temper gets a particular hold on ADD [those with Attention Deficit Disorder] people because of the tendency for emotional flooding to occur. So:
• Never try to deal with a temper when it is active.
• Make plans when all is calm, cool, and collected.
• Acknowledge that you have a temper.
• Forget the business of blaming others. To be sure, someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may have triggered your anxiety, surprised you, or frightened you, but your particular reaction of temper is your responsibility.
• You must realize that there are other ways to react to the stress. And with your willingness, you can learn alternatives that work particularly well for you in dealing with family and work settings, the places where temper is most likely to work against you.
1) Decide on a signal that means it’s time to stop whatever is going on. In our house, it’s the “time out” sign used in sports. Anyone in the family can use it and we automatically stop—no questions asked. The questions can come later. This time-out breaks into the flooding and stops the emotions from taking over.
Tell your partner, “I’m going to read for a while.” If others are around, tell them you’ll be back in a little while. Go to the store for milk if you have to. If it is your partner who’s having the trouble, be nonchalant with other people and just say, “He’s taking a break.”
2) Identify the feeling underlying the anger—fear, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness—and use words to express that feeling. “I feel helpless in this situation.” — “I felt frightened when that car pulled out in front of me.” — “I feel put down by you.”
Be honest. It may be hard at first, but pays off once you’ve learned to do it. Start by making the statements to yourself, if it’s too difficult to do so with others initially.
3) Ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I need to feel better or become a winner here? How can I get it?”
4) Promise yourself that you will continue to work to get what you want without throwing a temper tantrum.
5) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You’ll be surprised how quickly you can break the temper cycle by following these steps. It is not a long, trying process—unless someone around you enables you to continue with your temper or even cultivates it by reinforcing it. They do you no favor but probably don’t know any better, so you might as well make up your mind to open up alternatives in spite of them.
QUESTION: I used to have a temper but it is much better now that I’ve been working on it. My husband still reacts as if I have one though. How can I get him to stop?
ANSWER: Ask him, “What will it take to get you to relax? I’ve changed and I need you to catch up with my changes.” Do realize, though, that it may take several months for him to catch up. It won’t happen all in one day, either. So some patience on your part is wise.
QUESTION: Are there certain circumstances when a person’s temper will be more likely to erupt even after control measures have been learned?
ANSWERS: Tiredness is the biggest culprit I know. Also, keep track of the amount of stress that you are under. Times of change are high stress times and likely circumstances for an explosion.
[Marriage Missions Editor's Note: Keep in mind that if you're too busy to be kind — you're too busy. You need to look to see what life style choices can be made so this stressful time can be defused in such a way that you're able to approach life as marital partners — not enemies. Your spouse is not to be treated as the enemy.
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not pay evil with evil or insult with insult , but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it " (1 Peter 3:8-11).]
The above article came from the writings of Dr Lynn Weiss in her secular book, “Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults”, published by Taylor Publishing Company, Dallas, Texas. Dr. Lynn Weiss, is a psychotherapist and mother of an ADD son.
In this book Dr Weiss answers questions of concerned readers, explaining what ADD is how it manifests itself in adults, and what can be done to cope with it.
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(USA) This is excellent. My husband has a temper and I did not know how to deal with it. He specifically goes off when he is disagreed with, even if he asks you for your opinion. I felt powerless, but now I see that it is okay to politely dismiss myself from the negative treatment.
(US) I’m still not too sure…just hurt
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 31 years to a backslidden Christian man, who has a ferocious temper. It has been very hard on myself and our children (son 21 and daughter 17) but I thank God that He has kept me sane. As time goes on, I can see a change in my husband. I am learning to speak up if I find his language is too much and keep praying that he will be drawn back to his first love for the Lord. I realise that I can only change myself, not him. He must be left for God to sort out!
If I can be of any encouragement to anyone out there, I would love to offer my support.
(USA) Julia, I was encouraged to read your info. I am married to a man who has a bad temper. He says he is a Christian but does not display the fruits. He is physically handicapped and battles with a sense of inferiority. He does work and is a great provider. He recently bought a car that was out of our budget and we are living beyond our means. We rarely have intimate relations due to the injuries he received in several auto accidents. We will celebrate our 7th anniv. in Jan. I feel like we are just roommates.
He doesn’t like to discuss any of our problems. The blame is usually transferred to me. Normally, I don’t speak up. I believe in being submissive and a soft answer turns away wrath. But it seems like things keep getting worse. I am really struggling and am praying for strength and God’s direction. Any encouragement would be appreciated. God Bless You.
(INDIA) I am changing my name. My husband has a very foul temper. I have put up with it 3 years before marriage, and married him in the hope that he will change. It’s 8 years now past marriage, but it has only worsened. I have been abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I have reached a stage where I don’t want to make up anymore. I don’t want to make up in the fear that I am going to be hurt again.
He doesn’t abuse my physically anymore, but verbally and emotionally and mentally he tears me apart. All the time I am praying to God to make me die. I do not have children. He blames me for each and everything that goes bad. He blames me if he is stuck in a traffic jam; he blames me if there’s a problem at the office or at home. If it rains, it doesnt rain – anything and everything, I get the blame.
I feel I will be better off out of the marriage or better still dead. However much I want I cant bring myself to be normal. I am a very emotional person and sentimental. He abuses and hurts me beyond repair.
(USA) Hi Julia from South Africa, I am a Christian, married to a West African Christian man. He has a hot temper whenever I try to question something that concerns me about our marriage or something that has the potential to hurt us as a family. We have three kids under the age of 6. Any advice?
It is so hard dealing with this but divorce is not an option for me … It is very tempting, but I stand by my vows for better, for worse, good or bad. He tends to use verbal abuse as well, curses me out, and acts like I am not in the house. Help!
(ZIMBABWE) Just keep praying dear. One day he will change. There is nothing impossible with God. One thing you should realise is that you will never change your husband’s behavior, only God can. Just put your trust in the Lord and respect him as your husband, irregardless of his behavior. You will be amazed with the hand of the Lord.
(USA) MY HUSBAND HAS A AWFUL TEMPER. I REALLY THINK HE COULD BE BIPOLAR OR SOMETHING. HE TAKES IT OUT ON ME AND SOMETIMES THE KIDS. HE NEVER OWNS UP TO HIS REACTION AND HOW IT EFFECTS OUR KIDS. I ASKED HIM TO GO GET HELP BUT HE SAYS IT’S ME, HE IS FINE. WHAT DO YOU DO? I WANT MY FAMILY BUT I AM SO TRIED OF THE YELLING. I AM TO THE POINT THAT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. I FEEL LIKE WE ARE NOT MARRIED, WE JUST LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AND HAVE KIDS TOGETHER. I AM MARRIED BUT A SINGLE MOM. WHAT DO YOU DO????
(CANADA) My husband of four years has a temper like no other. I have always thought I could deal with it. I figured my calmness and gentle nature would off set his temper when raising our daughter. I am realizing that this is not so. Our daughter is 4 and throws massive tantrums, kicks at me, swings at me, screams, and sasses. I am so disappointed in myself for not knowing that this was going to happen.
My husband works very long hours, so they don’t get to see each other often and when they do, he is complaining and angry at one or both of us. Is staying together really what’s best for our child, or would we be better off to be alone so I can try to repair some of this damage he has caused? I am so frustrated!!!
(CANADA) I feel bad for you gals, but I’ve been treated like crap and I’m a guy. She says, “Whats wrong can’t you take it?” I don’t want to. Yah, I’m strong, but I went to jail already and I didn’t touch her. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
(USA) Well, my heart goes out to each and every one of you ladies. It comforts me to know that I am not the only woman in the world that is dealing with an angry husband. I can relate to the woman that said he gets mad when someone disagrees with him. My husband goes nuts when someone doesn’t have the same opinion as him and he is so easily offended.
He’s a wonderful and loving husband until he gets angry, and then he’s a self centered, over-bearing, cussing, and yelling, fit throwing monster. I am trying to find some good Christian counseling for him right now and he has agreed to take it so I am just praying and trusting God to send the right person to us that can help my husband. Good luck to you all. I know it’s not easy.
(ZIMBABWE) Ladies who have to deal with angry and abusive husbands need to do the following to avoid further clashes:
1. Whenever he is angry and abusing, remain calm, because answering back is like trying to put off a fire by pouring gasoline onto it.
2. Give him time to calm down.
3. Once he is calm, speak to him confidentially and coolly, especially during bed time in that "special room".
4. Ask gently probing questions that lead you to understand his problem(s).
5. During the conversation avoid being emotional. Show him you care, but concerned about his behaviour.
6. Pray with him and give the opportunity to lead your prayers.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All, I am sorry for whats happening to all of you, but at least you guys have been married for quite some time. I’ve only been married for 4 months & I have to put up with my husband’s temper. He does not want to be asked if he did anything wrong or even take responsibility for his actions.
We only see each other during weekends because of working environment, but he goes out with his boys and come back after 12 & leaves me alone every weekend. If I ever ask anything he won’t speak to me for days. He swears at me and he abuses me financially. He stopped showing love to me when he married me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Temper is the fruit of the flesh. Try talking to the person when he is calm.
(CANADA) My husband has developed a much worse temper it seems in the last several years. I am diagnosed bipolar after a very bad spell a few years ago where my temper got worse. But now it’s quite fine on meds. I don’t do as much around the house so that he has to but I am also working and going to school so we can have more money, and we have 3 kids.
He yells at them LOUD a lot, they will cry. It breaks my heart for my daughter, my oldest he has wrestled with and near hit for disrespect. I want to back up his authority and am trying so hard but it is just hard when he sabotages himself like that. I never say he is bad to the kids though, in fact I say he means well, to raise them right, he just doesn’t know the best way and that he loves them.
He has also raised a fist at me but not hit, and berates me sometimes when he is bad like I’m a loser with no friends and should keep my yap shut. Nice. I definitely feel like leaving but have no where to go. And I think he would seriously kill me, like he needs to repent; he’s so scary.