I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought, who is this woman? My wife of two years had become an instant stranger. She repeated the sentence I could not understand, “I’m moving out.”
I asked, “What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”
“I’m unhappy… lonely… miserable actually. There, I said it. You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us—we’ll get closer.”
I touched her arm but she pulled away as I said, “That doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?’
“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here. I need some time to sort things out—a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you… that I ever did.”
I stood, frozen as I begged, “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”
She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.
I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often and that my need to be “right” often made her wrong. I knew that, lately, she had been distant.
However, I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.
During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say, “I gotta go” and hang up.
I asked friends to “spy” on her and they said that she seemed fine… happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.
Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (for the full story, read Nancy’s book) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”
“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”
She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work. But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”
I do not regret my choice to forgive Nancy.
Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was NOT an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault. I was also tempted to stray and might have if someone pursued me.
The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time. I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.
I did not ask for details of her affair.
I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future were building. I read Philippians 4:8, which helped me think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.
The first thing we did was get Goldy advice from a wise Christian couple (Nancy’s parents) then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials like the Familylife Home Builders series. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them. Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.
For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife.” It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.
That became my personal mission—to understand my wife.
I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy. I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.
I learned that if my wife says, “You’re tailgating and it’s scaring me,” I should stop tailgating. If I love her, why would I want to frighten her?
The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have “brush fire arguments” they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we extinguished the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.
When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell, that was as much as we could have hoped for.
We offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.
When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync—together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.
Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.
Because of these new insights, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back. She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.
It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.
Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.
We had to learn that the Word of God is our value system and though our emotions may change, God’s Word doesn’t change. The truth is the truth.
We are amazed at how far we’ve come —we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. When we disagree, we do it without a brushfire. Our 21-year-old son often sees us holding hands and he knows that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.
We had a broken home—but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored—stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered and saved our marriage.
You can read more about Ron and Nancy Anderson’s marriage story in her book: Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage by Nancy C. Anderson, by Kregel Publications. Ron and Nancy love to encourage other couples as they speak at marriage seminars and couples’ retreats across the country. You can learn more at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com and see video clips of TV interviews on their blog: www.JoyfulMarriage.blogspot.com.
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(USA) I recently found out that my wife had been having an emotional affair for 8 months. My first thought was to leave. I left work early the day I found out for sure, and made some calls to find some emotional support. After calming down and thinking things through, I decided to try and talk it through. We do have a 5 year old daughter, so its a family issue not just a relationship issue.
I had discovered some signs previously, and asked her what was going on. I was told that it was just coworkers text messages. I believed it because I wanted to. I still told her that because I had thought it might be the case, that we needed to talk about it more. After some limited talking, not much had changed around the house.
Back on topic… this is still less than a week since I bade her to tell me the truth. I started out with basic questions, how long (8 months), when (often), why (bored), have you thought about moving in with him (yes), did you give any thought to our daughter (no comment), do we still have a chance to reconcile this world that we have built (I don’t know) Would you stop seeing him (no comment). At this point I was in tears, and didn’t know how to feel. Several hours later still talking asking questions (not about the affair but about what lead to it), we started to have some open responses.
This is the part that I am not proud of. I lied. I told her that his wife called me at work to let me know, and that the problems that brought their marital problems was another affair. I explained to my wife that I didn’t think the blame on their part was 50/50, that I think that this guy preyed on a weakness that I unfortunately helped to create.
I think that it is true, this guy told her to use passwords and only call at certain times, and started the affair with text sex. These things are not something that a person that hasn’t done this before would do. I am undecided when or even if I should tell her that some of the things I have told her about this guys life aren’t 100% true. Like I said I think it’s very close to the truth regardless, if it is a guess on my part.
After several hours of talking through, she told me she is willing to break off the affair and have no more contact. I asked her if she would call him now and I would not interrupt. She did, and we have still been working through some of the causes. I have since changed my schedule at work to allow more time with my family, and have started planning family events and outings with my wife. We have talked and connected more in the last 4 days than in the last 2 years all put together. There have been signs from God I think.
When I got home the day I confronted her, there was a turtle dove in a wreath that has been up since Christmas, a real dove building a nest. A friend at work ask me if I knew someone at his church. He threw out the name and I had no idea who it was. He then told me that this person I didn’t know, had put a prayer request in for me and my family, first and last name. This was on the same Wednesday afternoon that we were talking, and that I saw the dove. He told me this 2 days later and he had no idea what was going on, or that I had left early that Wednesday.
While we were talking she got a text message; it was Matthew 10:32 and the following: “No one falls in love by choice, it’s by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it’s by choice.” It was from one of her friends that she hadn’t talked to in some time. We both had a great cry about this. I truly think God has bent some ears to help us though this. She is having a hard time understanding how I can forgive her in such a short time. I told her it’s God’s will.
I would like very much for someone out there to pray for my wife, that she will continue to see what our family is worth. If it’s no bother, pray for me as well –that I will continue to be patient and understanding. I know from what she told me that letting go of the other man will be hard for her. I am still worried that there may be a relapse in judgment if she talks to him again. Please pray also that any communication from this guy falls on deaf ears. Thank you all for your inspiring posts, and unique situations. You will all be in my prayers.
Hi Jeff, I want you to know that my wife Cindy and I will be praying for your wife, and also for you. This is a very tough time for both of you to be going through. I’m glad you’ve made the adjustments in your schedule to try to work harder on making your marriage a good one. This will be a slow uphill battle, but it’s worth the fight!
Also, you might want to have her check out the postings after the article “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair” which you can find in the “Surviving Infidelity section. They will help both of you to see the addictive nature of what your wife is going through and how important it is for her to be strong at this time. If she gives in to her urges, she will only complicate the healing process and multiply how difficult it will be to break off this relationship.
When she gets past the initial stage of breaking off from this man, you need to start putting romance back into your marriage. It’s one of the reasons she became “bored” in the first place. You neglected to romance your wife. Her need to be romanced didn’t end after the wedding, and so even though things get busy, don’t neglect the one thing that can help you to continue to build good feelings between you (even stronger than you both had for each other before you married).
You may find that it will go slower at first, but eventually the feelings will follow the gestures. We have a lot of ideas in the “Romantic Ideas” section that could help you (and we try to add more periodically as we find them, so check back from time-to-time).
Our support and our prayers are with you both!
(USA) Hi. I found out that my husband was involved in an affair about two months ago. For two months now, we have been going to counseling together and separately. He has tried unsuccessfully to break off all communication with the person. As she is now going through a divorce herself, she has no intention of stopping her pursuit. He’s really confused. He says I never loved him… I keep trying to reassure him that I do, but he’s not hearing me. He is a completely different person. What he is doing is going against all the values he has held onto so strongly our whole marriage…19 years. He has built up in his mind that there are no good memories of our marriage, which is ludicrous, because we have three beautiful children and have many good memories.
Three years ago, we almost lost one of our children. She was in a coma due to a disease that attacked her brain. She was in the hospital a long time, and in therapy still. We both responded and had some post-traumatic stress from this. I know it is definitely related, but he says it isn’t.
He has blamed me for pushing him into the affair. He has had no remorse. We are Christians, and so is the other woman. I have taken steps to change those things that I need to work on, and he says he will try to work on the marriage, but doesn’t believe that it will work. I don’t see how it can even begin to heal as long as he’s communicating with her. I can tell when he does, because he is very mean to me.
I’m having a hard time with knowing how to set boundaries. He is not living with me now, but comes over all the time for dinner and to work out of the house, because we have the wireless internet. Because I’m committed to fight for our marriage, I’m not sure what to do. When he is around, he picks me apart… every bad thing I’ve ever done in the marriage. Then, he turns the table and acts like he’s working on the marriage. It’s so confusing. He can’t understand why all our friends & acquaintances are upset with him. He thinks that if they only knew how bad our marriage was it somehow justifies his actions. He seems to forget that adultery is his choice and it is sin. If you have any advice, or any words of hope, I would greatly appreciate it.
(USA) I had a difficult time reading this article and the comments shared in response to it. I’m in a very difficult place in my life right now and I’m having a hard time knowing how to deal with it.
My relationship with my husband, before he became my husband, had always been iffy. He had commitment/faithfulness issues and we had a rocky first year of dating. Even our reasons for dating in the first place were not very well founded. He was physically attracted to me and I was looking for an escape from this guy that I was madly in love with at the time but who didn’t want to be with me at the time. My husband [then boyfriend] was never romantic. He never pursued me. We just happened and then continued to date. There was really no excitement as such.
My husband and I got married three years ago because my visa for the US was expiring [I was an international student; we had just graduated from college; he was my boyfriend at the time]. We were not saved at the time and so we definitely didn’t consult God concerning our decision. The marriage was pretty much a contract to him. He knew he loved me but he wasn’t ready to call me his wife. I considered it real at the time and tried my best to be a wife, the way I knew how, not knowing God. My husband continued to treat the marriage like a contract and did his own thing. We didn’t even live together the first year of our marriage. It was a really tough time.
I got saved 10 months after we got married and began to really seek God for wisdom and had more peace concerning my husband’s lack of acknowledgment of our marriage. During this time, I found out he had-had an "affair" but he didn’t consider it so, as we were not really married in his eyes. It was a hard time but God saw me through it and gave me peace concerning it. I continued to try and make it work. Brought home books about Christian marriages that had activities/studies for couples to do together. I tried to read couple’s devotionals with him. I tried to come up with a plan to spend more quality time together doing things. He barely ever had a response. There was no romance in our relationship period. Before and after our legal marriage.
Also, no one knew about our marriage except for a couple of friends that agreed to be the witnesses. So we were living with this huge burden of a secret which made things more stressful and difficult between us.
About 2 years into our marriage, my husband "proposed." It really wasn’t the type of proposal I was expecting. I mean I’ve always had a fairytale notion of romance, proposals, marriage etc. and so far, everything of that nature in my life, had been completely the opposite. By the time the "engagement" came around, I was really numb and had just decided to go with it. Our relationship was/is still very empty. There was/has been no romance. I have never felt wanted or special or worth "courting."
We planned our church wedding for this past March. Right before the wedding, the guy I was in love with right before my husband and I started dating, came back into my life. His father had passed and so we talked and one thing led to another. I got caught up in my feelings and started to have doubts concerning my legal marriage as well as the upcoming church wedding. Even though my husband and I went back and forth and thought about canceling the wedding, we decided to go ahead with it. At the time, I was in a difficult place. I had been disowned by my family for being a Christian [I was raised in a Muslim family] and I was feeling very alone. I didn’t want to lose my friends, church, and my husband’s family on top of the huge loss that I was already experiencing.
So I cut it off with the other guy and I went ahead with the wedding. I thought maybe if we had the wedding, things would change between us, but they didn’t/haven’t. I still felt very empty in the marriage. There was/is this huge void that I couldn’t erase. I have been praying about it ever since I’ve been saved. I have been talking to my husband about my emptiness since we’ve been married. I’ve been talking about how I need more from him. He has always made promises but they have never manifested in our relationship. He is a man of God but it feels like marriage and being a husband is not a priority at all.
Last month, my father passed in an accident. I have been torn with grief. My husband hasn’t been very supportive; he doesn’t understand how it feels or what I’m going through. The other guy came back into my life yet again. We’ve been able to share our pain revolving around the loss of our father’s. He shows me love, compassion, attention and respect. He makes me feel loved and wanted. He has been very supportive of me and very genuinely loving, caring and kind.
I’m so torn. I have loved this man for the past five years. Even though I got married to someone else, who I believe I really wasn’t in love with, I have loved this other person. I feel like I made a mistake when I married my husband and I feel really torn. I know having feelings for this other guy and acting on them is not pleasing to God; regardless of my circumstances, but I can’t help but feel that he was the one I was meant to be with and I messed it up by marrying my husband under the circumstances that we did, without consulting God first. I understand God’s grace and He can make wrong things, right, but I don’t understand why this other guy keeps coming back into my life and why we have such an amazing connection, that I’ve never had with my husband.
I am in a really hard place. Between my grief and the problems in my marriage, and the burden of not knowing what I want to do is breaking me. I really have no idea how to deal with all of this right now. I truly love the Lord and have tried so very hard to seek Him in this process but He is silent and I am having a hard time connecting with Him. I’m really in a place where I feel forsaken and even though cognitively I know that I’m not, the feeling is overwhelmingly painful.
Thanks for reading this in spite of it being so long. God bless.
(USA) I’m in a very similar situation. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, but we have been separated for a year and a half, we have two daughters 1 and 2 yrs old. During my separation period I got involved with my boss who was also married. When I first got involved with him he would tell me that his marriage was going down and that he had not been sexually involved with his wife for 7 months.
We had a relationship that lasted a year and few months. At the beginning of the relationship he would tell me that he is making plans to be with me and get divorced. As time passed I realized that he was lying the whole time. Though, I knew the truth I still stayed with him because I loved him with all my heart. I admired everything he did and felt extremely protected with him.
Recently my husband has come back to the picture. He has asked me for forgiveness (he abandoned me with my children) and wants me to go back with me. I have agreed because of my two daughters, I don’t want them to go through a tough time with a step dad. But in reality I don’t know if I still love him. I keep comparing him to my boss and he is totally the opposite. Everything my husband does bothers me and everything he says annoys me!
I don’t know what to do. It’s been 2 weeks since I broke up with my boss. I left my job, got a new job and threw away all the stuff he gave me with some exceptions but he still texts me all the time and is making it difficult for me to forget him. I don’t know what to do.
I think about him every minute, my heart hurts so much and my heart tells me to leave my husband and go with this man. My mind tells me to try to work things out with my husband and at the end I will realize that I do still love him. I know the best thing to do is to stay with my husband for the sake of my kids but I’m having a very difficult time forgetting this man who I love with all my heart. And sometimes I wonder if the love I have for my husband will ever come back even though I feel as if everything he does and says annoys me.
Please give me some advice, what should I do? Is this normal for someone to feel this way about their husband after an affair? Will it go away? or should I follow my heart? Thanks so much.
(CANADA) Your Boss (lover) VS. Your Husband. If you continuously compare you lover with your husband, your husband will always lose. This is a clear case of the grass is greener syndrome. You need to know that I went through a similar situation with my wife and she chose her husband (me) and is so embarrassed, guilt ridden, and feels horrible that she ever compared us, as there is no competition between us. Although at one point she wanted to leave me for him.
The affair addiction is like an addiction to cocaine. If you break away from it, in time your head will snap back into place and you will realize what truly has happened. Good Luck.
(USA) I am recently separated from my husband after he discovered an affair that I had last spring. I had ended it and hadn’t seen the man for over 6 months but had not told my husband about it for fear he would leave me. That’s exactly what happened. Now, we are separated and seeing a counselor individually. He has told me not to have any hope but I have to. I love him and I made a terrible mistake. I want to spend the rest of my life earning his trust again and showing him how much I love him and our children. We have 3 beautiful children together.
I am heart broken and am working to understand how I could have done such a terrible, horrific tragic thing. But my husband is questioning everything- he even wants me to get paternity tests for our 3 kids. I don’t have any issues with it because I have never had an affair before and know with 100% truthfulness that he is the father of our kids. But it hurts. It hurts to have him question me so much even though I know I deserve it.
I don’t know what to do. I’m just working hard to understand why what happened did happen, pray to God everyday for a miracle that somehow he’ll find forgiveness and want to try again, and keep a stiff upper lip for my 3 kids. I would appreciate any advice or insight you can offer but most of all just ask that you pray for my family and for my husband. Please pray that he finds forgiveness (he is not a forgiving type and has a lot of pride), that he turn to God during this, and that slowly he lets me back in his heart. All I want is a chance to make us happy again. Thank you for your prayers in advance.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) My wife had an affair last fall with a guy she had been intimate with before our marriage, over eleven years ago. It lasted for about three months until I had suspicions and confronted her with an email she sent. We have been trying to work things out. She still has issues of being torn between the other man and me. I love her and I’m committed to staying by her side. What can I do if anything, to help her in this struggle? I pray for understanding and for her heart to be healed.
(INDIA) Take the 40 day Love dare … thru the lent season… Allow God to work in your marriage…
(USA) Hi this is MB again and I wrote above Dave about the affair I had last Spring. I only wish Dave, that my husband would feel the way you do. He is so angry and has not budged from it. I have a suggestion for you. I would do the Love Dare book as well. A friend of mine told me about it and I think it can be hugely beneficial. You may also want to watch the Fireproof movie.
But I would also talk to your wife about the 11 years you have had together, if you have any kids together, talk about what she may have been seeking with the other man. I know that’s hard to hear and hard to do, but if she can figure out what state she was in before she did it, that helps a lot.
I figured out that I was going through a midlife crisis and had really low self esteem among other things. I wasn’t looking for an affair and am the type of person who never thought I would have done what I did. After self examination, I realized that the other person was filling a void in me that can’t be filled by someone else- my husband even. Maybe your wife is going through something and thinks this man is filling it for her but I would argue that’s temporary and she needs to look at the bigger pix.
If ya’ll aren’t already, I would see a counselor, individually and together. I hope that helps.
Now, I have a question for you- is there anything I can do to repair my marriage given that I was the one that had the affair and he is the one that is so angry? Being a man and in the same position, I wasn’t sure if you have any advice on how I can get him back. I fear he has just shut his emotions off and is headed for divorce. Any insight is appreciated. Thank you.