I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought, who is this woman? My wife of two years had become an instant stranger. She repeated the sentence I could not understand, “I’m moving out.”
I asked, “What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”
“I’m unhappy… lonely… miserable actually. There, I said it. You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us—we’ll get closer.”
I touched her arm but she pulled away as I said, “That doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?’
“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here. I need some time to sort things out—a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you… that I ever did.”
I stood, frozen as I begged, “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”
She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.
I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often and that my need to be “right” often made her wrong. I knew that, lately, she had been distant.
However, I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.
During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say, “I gotta go” and hang up.
I asked friends to “spy” on her and they said that she seemed fine… happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.
Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (for the full story, read Nancy’s book) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”
“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”
She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work. But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”
I do not regret my choice to forgive Nancy.
Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was NOT an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault. I was also tempted to stray and might have if someone pursued me.
The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time. I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.
I did not ask for details of her affair.
I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future were building. I read Philippians 4:8, which helped me think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.
The first thing we did was get Goldy advice from a wise Christian couple (Nancy’s parents) then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials like the Familylife Home Builders series. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them. Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.
For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife.” It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.
That became my personal mission—to understand my wife.
I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy. I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.
I learned that if my wife says, “You’re tailgating and it’s scaring me,” I should stop tailgating. If I love her, why would I want to frighten her?
The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have “brush fire arguments” they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we extinguished the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.
When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell, that was as much as we could have hoped for.
We offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.
When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync—together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.
Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.
Because of these new insights, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back. She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.
It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.
Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.
We had to learn that the Word of God is our value system and though our emotions may change, God’s Word doesn’t change. The truth is the truth.
We are amazed at how far we’ve come —we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. When we disagree, we do it without a brushfire. Our 21-year-old son often sees us holding hands and he knows that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.
We had a broken home—but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored—stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered and saved our marriage.
You can read more about Ron and Nancy Anderson’s marriage story in her book: Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage by Nancy C. Anderson, by Kregel Publications. Ron and Nancy love to encourage other couples as they speak at marriage seminars and couples’ retreats across the country. You can learn more at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com and see video clips of TV interviews on their blog: www.JoyfulMarriage.blogspot.com.
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(CANADA) Hi all, MB and Dave so sorry for what you’re going through. The one thing I know that will definitely help is a lot of prayer and surrendering your all to God, your husband MB, and your wife Dave. God heals all wounds and He’ll heal this one. Read Lamentations 3:22-26. I also wanted to suggest a book called I DO AGAIN by CHERLY & JEFF SCRUGGS about how God restored their marriage after an affair. God never wastes any crisis He uses the pain to discipline us and to help us grow. You can also read Hebrews 12:5-7 and James 1:2-8. God bless you all.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Thank you John MB and Anne, I have started the 40 Day Love Dare and have bought and watched Fireproof with my wife. A couple of years ago my wife was very much into church and God. She believed her desires were being met by God and she thought she knew what God was telling her. Well, things feel apart for her and she got angry at God and has not recovered from that, has not found that same happiness. She felt very happy and was able to escape the hard times in the arms of her lover/friend. She made the lover more important than God also of course. I’m going to look for the book I DO AGAIN by CHERLY & JEFF SCRUGGS.
Basically what I see is that she is selfish and more interested in being happy and feeling good than honoring God. I would argue the same as you MB that it is a temporary high that she was feeling and that, that would go away if she left me for him.
MB, as far as advice goes, I would recommend a biblical framework counselor. We have seen one and he really opened my eyes to the ways I was relating as well. I was making my wife more important than God. Also if your husband did the 40 Day Love Dare, that would help. Basically for me when I found out I was crushed, it was the most painful experience I have had to endure. She broke my trust in so many ways other than just simply the adultery. It did led me back to God though that is an example of how God uses pain in our lives. I could not have made it this far without God at my side. Your husband must choose to love you, show him love, invest time and energy into him. Forgiveness is very powerful, be completely honest with him.
The whole experience has brought me to re-evaluate my life, how I have lived it and my priorities. Things of this world do not matter. Relationships are what matters. My priorities now are: 1st God, 2nd My Wife, 3rd My Children, Others…
I wish she would tell me she is committed to our marriage. She won’t say those words though. I think she is worried that she may do it again. She says she doesn’t trust herself and did not ever think she would have done it in the first place.
I need prayers for endurance and strength and patience. She tells me she is this close (with little hand signals) to calling him and going to him. Sometime I think maybe I should tell her to go ahead and see for herself that the grass is not greener.
Thanks everyone for the advice.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi my name is Cheryl. I’ve been married for 11 years. During all these years my husband has been emotionally cold. He has never told me that he loves me, never been affectionate with me and never contributed to our marriage as a husband or a father. I have always been responsible for earning enough to run the household as well as cleaning our home & being there for our children when it comes to school functions, meetings etc. He spends the majority of his time socializing with his friends.
Four years ago he started doing drugs and has become very emotionally abusive to me and the kids. He degrades us in front of others and my teenage daughter is becoming very insecure and depressed. The 2 younger ones avoid him as much as possible. We live with his mother, his sister who is divorced and her 2 children. The family totals 9 people. His sister refuses to work so the responsibility of supporting 9 people falls onto my shoulders and my husband no longer bothers to find jobs to help me support the family. He says he wants to change and he knows he is doing wrong but most of the time he lashes out at us is because he is frustrated or disappointed in himself.
I have recently been told I am suffering from high blood pressure and that I should try & reduce my stress levels. I am at my wits end as I am a Christian and I do not want to give up on my marriage but at the same time my physical health as well as the mental/emotional health of myself and my children are suffering. I can afford to walk away and comfortably support myself and my children but at the same time I don’t want to give up on my husband. I am in a constant state of confusion and depression.
I have become very close to one of his friends who has always been there for me over the years. My husband makes him take me school meetings or shopping or wherever I need to be. I am constantly asking myself why I am living a life of unhappiness when there are loving, warm, considerate men like him who will be there for myself & my children. My friends tell me I am a masochist and a doormat depriving myself of happiness and that no matter how much I love my husband, he will never love me the way he’s suppose to and that I should walk away. In all honesty I have no idea why I haven’t done so yet?
(USA) Well everyone, it’s MB again. Unfortunately, my husband has made a race for the finish line and we are getting divorced. It’s a shame in the state of CO- it only takes 90 days. I have asked him a million times to forgive me or at least let me try to earn his forgiveness and trust, but he is not willing to even try. He didn’t really ever try. He wouldn’t go to counseling. Hasn’t turned to God and doesn’t go to church and I believe is now involved with someone else already. Wouldn’t listen to what led me to the 6 week affair. Doesn’t want to understand. Won’t believe me that it was over a year ago and I never looked back. That I have beaten myself up to a bloody pulp and that I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself and I will regret what I did for the rest of my life. I will and I will never stop loving him.
This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I’m trying my hardest to be strong for my kids but I don’t know how you forgive yourself for something like this. I realize he has a choice about the divorce but the cold truth is if I hadn’t had my 6 week affair over a year ago, we would not be getting divorced. I do not believe that our God believes in divorce or wants this to happen but when you have shown remorse, asked for forgiveness, our getting counseling and really trying to work on the marriage, what else can you do if the other person won’t let you? Does God want this to happen? Does God think this is best?
I have realized some things about my marriage through the therapy and prayer and am finally admitting somethings to myself and therefore, I’m not just grieving the divorce but also the fact that my marriage wasn’t necessarily all that I thought it was. But I would still try. I still love my husband. I’m just really struggling with understanding all this and why when God believes in marriage, this would be happening. I pray for miracles, I pray for my children, I pray for forgiveness, I pray for strength, I pray for a time when I can forgive myself.
Does anyone have any insight? I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences but mainly, I ask that you continue to pray for my children. They are really struggling with all of this. I also ask for patience and that God lead us down the right path so that I can be a good mother and show them that life will go on and God has a plan for us. Your thoughts?
On another note, Cheryl, I read your note. I think that you are potentially in an abusive relationship although I don’t pretend to know your situation. From what you have described, I would just suggest that you pray about God leading you down the right path too. My brother who is a strong man and Christian I respect, told me that what I’m praying for and what God wants may not be the same thing. He was right. I don’t want a divorce but I trust in the Lord (try to my best, sometimes better than others).
Pray that he show you the path. That he lead you the way for what is best for you and your kids and to serve Him. Maybe what He wants and what you want are different but we have to listen. I personally think when I read your story, you should move on. How are you giving your kids a good example of how to treat others and be treated when you are living in such conditions? But again, I don’t know your story. I do caution you with this other man. It sounds (if I’m reading you right) that you are interested and trying to convince yourself you deserve this other man. I’m not doubting you deserve to be treated better but find yourself first.
Make yourself, your kids and your God whole first. Don’t fill a void in your marriage or a void in your self esteem in another person. Find it in the grace of God and in yourself. Do that, pray about that, then make peace with it and follow God’s plan. After time has passed, then you can entertain other people. But the one mistake I made (and will forever regret) is trying to find myself and what I felt I deserved in another human being. It was there all along- in myself and in God. Once you do that, healthy relationships will follow. I have to believe that for you.
Hope this helped and I didn’t offend you at all with my opinions but I feel I’ve learned some valuable lessons and wanted to share. Take care and God bless, MB
(SOUTH AFRICA) My wife and I recently got married and in the first few months of marriage had an extremely hard issue come up. SHe came into my community and basically decided that it was not meeting her approval. She started to point out my friends flaws and wanted to move away. I know that I am supposed to be sensitive to her feeling, but I loved these people and did not want to lose contact with them because my wife did not like them. It made my heart hard toward her and have killed intimacy.
After a year she started to have an emotional affair with another man. I found out through seeing an e-mail up on her computer. I confronted her and she confessed. It hurt our marriage, but I think it also helped wake me up to the road we were on. Even though she has hurt me, I have not been loving her and have not been meeting her needs.
She now says that I am not capable of loving her and maybe never really did. However, I think she is amazing and I think we can have a great marriage. I just held on to the bitterness too long. How do I aquire true love for her again? We are both passionate about the Lord and he does fill me up… but as soon a little problem comes up, it is WWII and the bigger problem is revealed.
Can you have true love for someone that you may have never even loved before. Is our marriage going to end? She mentions divorce all of the time as a possibility. I don’t think this is God’s desire for us. Anyone have encouragement for a child of God that wants to save his marriage but doesn’t know if he can love his wife the way she needs to be loved?
(COOK) I was very encouraged with this article and praying and believing God to heal my broken marriage. My wife is having an affair and says that she loves this man. She is planning to move out; we have two children together, 7 and 2, which she says I can have. Please keep us in your prayes.