“While our cultural values continue to elevate marriage, our behavior drifts away from it. We’re a nation obsessed with marriage. The problem is that we may not know how to make marriage work” (Alex Kotlowitz).For the next few weeks we’d like to focus on some problems in our thinking that can hinder us in making our marriages “work.” We’d like to discuss some of the myths of married love —hopefully dispelling their falsehood. To do this we’d like to share parts of a newspaper article entitled, “Myths and True Meaning of Married Love” written by Michael McManus. McManus is the Founder and President of Marriage Savers (www.marriagesavers.org).

We’re going to share 8 myths over the course of the next few weeks. At the end of each of McManus’ points you’ll see bullet points with comments, scriptures, and discussion questions that we’ve added hoping you’ll spend quality “Intentional Time” with your spouse going over them.

MYTH #1: THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE IS OUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS. However, if so, when there are inevitable disappointments, and crosses to bear, the conclusion must be, “Either marriage is not fulfilling its promise, or something is wrong with me.”

Dr. Glenn Knecht, of Fourth Presbyterian Church in Bethesda, says, “The true goal of marriage is not happiness but oneness. Jesus taught, ‘So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.’ Happiness is a by product.  However, seeking oneness is costly. It involves sacrifice of the ego, so human pride is crushed until it has no life of its own anymore.”

•  Comment on Dr. Knecht’s statement on the true goal of marriage.

•  Do you agree that “oneness” in marriage is costly? Explain.

•  Does this “oneness” mean you can’t have individuality within your marriage?

MYTH #2: THE GOAL OF MARRIED LIFE IS TO GET MY MATE TO SUBMIT TO MY WAY OF THINKING. Men have memorized, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” But the preceding verse is “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” That is followed with three verses on the role of the wife, and nine verses on how men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Marriage is an exercise in learning to submit even when we don’t feel like it. Knecht adds, “If your marriage is a tug of war, drop your end of the rope, so your spouse can win. Submission is the most demanding, most difficult and most important assignment in the school called marriage. It is a giving up of rights.”

•  Read Ephesians 5 together and discuss what the Bible says about submission.

•  Take turns commenting on what McManus and Knecht say about submission in marriage.

•  How can you drop your “end of the rope” and yet not enable your spouse to continue behavior that you may find offensive?

•  Speaker and author, Cynthia Heald once said, “Submission is ducking low enough so God can deal with your husband.” Wives—comment on that statement. Do you ever find yourself standing so firm on a point that you’re overshadowing what God wants to do with your husband?

•  Husbands: comment on the following statement by Jan Schrader, “So many men want a Godly wife but they do very little to make it happen.” Is this true in your marriage? What more can you do to help your wife to be Godly?

•  Read together Philippians 2:1-11and Romans 12:3 and discuss how this is relevant to marriage.

•  The New Life Application Bible gives this commentary on Philippians 2:5-11. “Often people excuse selfishness, pride, or evil by claiming their rights. They think, ‘I can cheat on this test; after all, I deserve to pass this class,’ or ‘I can spend all this money on myself —I worked hard for it,’ or ‘I can get an abortion; I have a right to control my own body.’ But as believers, we should have a different attitude, one that enables us to lay aside our rights in order to serve others. If we say we follow Christ, we must also say we want to live as He lived. We should develop His attitude of humility as we serve, even when we’re not likely to get recognition for our efforts. Are you selfishly clinging to your rights, or are you willing to serve?” Comment on this statement as it applies to marriage.

MYTH #3: LOVE IS WHAT HOLDS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER. True, we don’t enter marriage without love. But once that step is taken, it is the vows that hold it together, “for better for worse, in sickness and in health…” Love may actually wax and wane and there are times it is absent altogether. The vows said on the wedding day are sacred promises, said by billions of people. All marriage is spent learning the meaning of those vows.

Former Education Secretary Bill Bennett was invited to a colleague’s wedding. They did not exchange the traditional vows, but pledged to stay together “as long as love shall last.” He sent them paper plates as his wedding gift!

•  Comment on the danger of promising to stay together “as long as love shall last.”

•  What does this philosophy teach children about what marriage is all about — particularly a “Christian” marriage?

•  How does this philosophy stack up against what the Bible depicts about marriage?

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We believe as Dr. Leslie Parrott said, “Marriage takes skills and there are so many skills that make a tremendous difference in the health of a marriage.”  And, one of the best skills to improve the health of marriage is open communication.

Now, if you don’t want to wait to find out what the other Marriage Myths are that Michael McManus talks about, you can see his entire article by going to www.smartmarriages.com where it was posted on February 13, 2003.

Because of Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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