Comments on: Passive Husbands

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 09:12:04 +0000

(AUSTRALIA) I agree with Richard Aubrey’s comment. I have a passive husband and I am an aggressive woman. We have a reasonably healthy relationship, in spite of significant issues that we both had growing up. We had similar upbringings, and after observing my husband’s family and mine (and allowing for differences that birth orders bring), I am leaning towards genetics playing a bigger role in whether someone turns out to be passive or aggressive.

THE struggle in our relationship is to overcome my frustration at his passiveness, and his uncomfortableness with my aggressiveness. It will be a balancing act that we will continue (prayerfully) to the end of our days.

But one of the most painful struggles I have is with a sense of identity, as society (even so-called ‘enlightened’ Western society) doesn’t look favourably on the passive-husband-and-aggressive-wife combination. So while I agree that Western industrialized society has performed some significant negative social engineering, I disagree that husband-wife/male-female roles have been re-engineered to such an extent as appears to be implied by quoted snippets from the Coughlins.

By: Bridget

Bridget — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:28:07 +0000

(USA) My husband was completely neglected emotionally as a child, and continued to be disregarded as an adult, well into adulthood by his parents, which led to a five year separation from them. While that was hard on everyone, especially on our children, it was the best thing we could have done.

Unfortunately, while our relationship to his parents is so much healthier, my husband is not. He is railing against his calling to lead his family and live with me in an understanding way, always blaming me for not “creating the right environment” for him to grow. Leaving him alone when he wants to “process” is never the right move, for it leads to his embracing more lies about reality.

I’ve been afraid to disconnect, but exhausted with trying to keep connected with this man-child who doesn’t want the responsibility of growing up. He’ll fake it for a while, but it always ends with an attack on me. Everything about Coughlin’s description about passive men rings true, but my strong personality is fed up with this guy and while I rejoice with the truth, it feels pretty hopeless that we will ever have a real marriage.

By: Sheila

Sheila — Sun, 17 May 2009 06:22:14 +0000

(USA) My husband has been gambling for eight to nine years. Things got extremely hard, he was abusing me verbally and not responsible for paying the bills. I have been helping him. He was in and out jobs, now he has a good job and another guy works with him. My husband is his boss. He has been disappearing prior to his departure.

I have called my son to talk to him about his gambling. He was mad and he told my son to get out from the house. He packed and left to live with the single guy who works with him. He has been changing addresses and changed his pay check address to his office address. It took me 14 months to find out where he’s living. Guess where I found him? He is living with this single guy who never had a girl friend and never has been married. They used to shop together, golf together, eat to together and sleep in the same house. I have trusted his friend, but he turned out be a crook and kept enabling my husband. I am not sure what to do.

By: Viv

Viv — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 10:18:33 +0000

(UNITED STATES) A man’s role is NOT to stand up for himself, but to stand for Christ and to provide for and protect his family.

By: Richard Aubrey

Richard Aubrey — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:19:29 +0000

(AMERICA) There is a lot to be said about passive men in marriages and perhaps more should be said. I disagree with the source of the problem. I have never been counseled to be “like Jesus” and be passive. In the Sixties, certain religious passages were used to promote surrender, unilateral disarmament, or other silly ideas. But that we had to do it because Jesus had done something like never arose. Paul Coughlin had a horrid upbringing and is sufficiently aware of its effects that he ought to know better. Few of us could put a finger on any lesson growing up that we need to be like the Breck Girl picture of Jesus. If Coughlin could find a syllabus including such, he ought to show us. Until then, his problem is his mother, not his Christian Education. In addition to what has been said so far, what has not been addressed is the wife’s reaction when a man ceases being passive. Coughlin and others tell us that it would be gratitude, relief, and improved relations. Apparently there have never been arguments when a husband stood up for himself. Coughlin and others like him need to address that issue.

What if the wife DOESN’T want the man to stand up for himself because things are going her way as it is? He still needs to stand up for himself, but none of the literature addresses the possibility that there will be resistance and how to handle it.