Read this extraordinary passage of scripture translated by Eugene Peterson from The Message:

“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us lonelier than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one.’

There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for ‘becoming one’ with another. Or didn’t you realize that you body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit?

Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please; squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:16-20)

The last several weeks we’ve been discussing sexual intimacy issues within marriage. It’s an extremely sensitive and yet highly important subject especially because of its abuses. We’ve received numerous emails from our readers who have expressed the tremendous heart-ache that sexual addictions and abuses have caused in their marriages. It has completely destroyed so many families. We can’t ignore stressing the importance of keeping the “marital bed undefiled”

We’d like to give you a few additional thoughts on last week’s message before we go on to the message the Lord’s laid upon our hearts to discuss this week. Please realize that:

• Sex is a powerful force that can either bond a married couple into ‘one flesh’ or it can destroy them. (Gary Kinnaman)

• What God had created for good, human beings are distorting and prostituting. That which came from God, for husband and wife to “know” each other more intimately, is becoming like a god to so many. Its temporal pleasures are driving “people into a personal hell of sexual addiction and spiritual oppression.” Flee from its grasp as you would flee from a poisonous rattlesnake.

• When you play with anything that even “hints of immorality” (see Ephesians 5) you’re playing with fire. “It sears the conscience and scars the soul” (Gary Kinnaman). Flee from it, seek Godly counsel, and find an accountability partner to help you in your fight against the gravitational pull towards that which “violates sacredness.”

• And lastly: Safeguard your computer. Don’t put it in a room in which adults aren’t around when it’s being used. Put it in a family living area where there isn’t the privacy to view that which will usher in “darkness.” Figure out how to make the computer only accessible when others are present and the same goes for the TV. There’s too much on TV these days that can damage the minds of those who are available to watch it. Take TV’s out of any child’s room (no matter how much they protest). Don’t contribute to their ability to view that which is wrong.

You can’t safe guard them against everything all the time, but the rule can be: “As for me in my house, we will honor the Lord.” Psalm 101:3 says, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.”

For the rest of this message, we’d like to concentrate on another area of sexuality that can also cause great damage in our marriages and that is: overcoming the devastating effects past sexual abuse. Sexual abuse (as defined by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, Loving Solutions) is:

“any sexual activity, verbal or physical, which is forced upon individual without his/her consent, which uses his/her as an object to meet another person’s sexual desires. Such an act perpetrated upon a child (or adult) sets in motion a whole series of emotional and physical reactions that have a detrimental effect upon a child’s (person’s) normal sexual maturation process.

These victims of sexual abuse will often find it extremely difficult to enjoy healthy sexual interaction with their spouses. Many are filled with shame, guilt, fear, anger, and often revulsion toward sex. The person doesn’t desire to have these negative emotions related to sexual matters but finds it impossible to feel differently. Thus, we’re dealing with an extremely serious roadblock to a physically intimate marriage.”

We’re praying that all of this doesn’t come across as one big book report— our hearts are deeply concerned about this. We’ve personally lived through the devastation past sexual abuse can have on a marriage. And we’ve talked with countless other couples that have also experienced its paralyzing effects. The Lord can help you become victorious over the tremendous strain this situation can cause in the sexual relationship in your marriage. We’re a living testimony of that; but it has to be dealt with.

It’s not something you can close your eyes to, hoping it will just go away eventually and not affect you anymore. It’s a type of cancer of the emotions that can sometimes appear to be dormant for years (so you’re under the false hope that everything is fine in that area of your life) but eventually after you’ve been married for a while it takes on a life of its own —choking out your ability to relate to your spouse in a healthy way. And when the effects of past sexual abuse hits —it hits the marriage hard —right at the heart of marital intimacy.

I (Cindy) would like to address the women for a moment on this and Steve will address the men: Ladies, did you know that the latest statistics say that 1 in 3 women have been or will be sexually abused sometime in their life? That’s outrageous! What that tells us is there’s an epidemic of abuse going on in our world today. The effect of this abuse in our families today is devastating! How can we be wounded like that in our lives and ever be able to have a healthy view of our sexuality as God created for us to have? It’s truly only by the healing grace of God!

If you’ve suffered from past sexual abuse and haven’t gained TRUE healing in this area of your life, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t wait to get the help you need to free yourself of the bondage and devastating damage it can cause in your relationship with your husband. If it goes unresolved, you’ll never be able to reach the level of marital intimacy God wants you to have. Don’t give the devil a foothold in this area of your lives together (See: Ephesians 4:27).

Let me quote something important that may be helpful from Gary Chapman’s book: Loving Solutions. It says (in the chapter on The Sexually Abused/Abusive Spouse):

“I want to make several observations. Progress comes as the couple begins to take sexual abuse seriously. Whitewashing the problem will never remove the distorted emotions. Second, both partners must be willing to break the silence and talk to someone outside the marriage about the problem.

Problems related to sexual abuse are seldom solved unless a couple reaches out for help, which leads me to the 3rd observation: a trained counselor can have a key role. Few couples will find lasting answers to the fallout of sexual abuse without the help of a trained professional. Reading good books on the subject can get one started in the right direction, but true healing requires the help of a fellow human being who can hear the pain, empathize with the hurt, and give understanding and guidance.”

Let me (Steve) pick up where Dr. Chapman left off. It’s really difficult for us men to know how we can best help our wives if they’ve suffered sexual abuse in the past. We wrestle with anger (at the person who was the abuser). We’re frustrated because we want to “fix it” and move on with our lives and that’s just not the way it works. But here are a few things you can do to help your wife to find healing and wholeness in her sexual life:

1. Talk with her and reassure her (often) that what “happened” has absolutely no bearing on your love for her or your unwavering commitment to her.

2. If she becomes rigid or frigid at the idea of a sexual relationship with you—just hold her, comfort her and pray with her (with no expectations of going any further).

3. Read together one or two of the resources we’ll suggest in a moment. The more you both understand the dynamics of what’s happening—the more you shed light on what Satan wants to keep in the dark—and that’s where healing begins.

4. Find the most qualified counselor in this area of sexual abuse who works with both the wife and the husband to help in the healing. Don’t become frustrated if it takes a while—through “trial and error” —to find the right counselor for your wife.

5. Be “gently persistent” that your wife gets counseling. Don’t ever think, “We can’t afford it.” If your wife had cancer and your insurance company didn’t cover the treatments, you’d find a way to pay for them.

6. Once your wife begins counseling, “Be There” for her every way she may need you. Healing takes time and can be very painful for her and that can spill over onto you.

7. In the event your wife refuses to get help NOW—you find someone who can help you find ways to minister to her and love her so that she too will realize she needs counseling.

8. Know that as you persevere, there can be healing. There’s no “magic bullet” but God will do His part once we’re willing to do our part and move forward.

Men, don’t be like the husband who eventually regretfully said, “I’d focused on my own disappointment in our sexual relationship and had not understood the impact of the abuse on her.” Remember the Ephesians 5 principle—we are to love our wives “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it.” We must be willing to sacrifice everything, if need be, for our wives to find healing.

The following are resources that come highly recommended on the subject of sexual abuse:

Books:
• Beyond the Darkness: Healing for Victims of Sexual Abuse by Cynthia Kubetin and James Mallory (Word Publishers)
• Restoring Innocence — Healing Memories and Hurts that Hinder Sexual Intimacy by Alfred Ells (Thomas Nelson Pub.)
• The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender (NavPress)
• False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addictions (NavPress)
• Intimate Issues, Conversations Woman to Woman” by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus (WaterBrook Press)

Organizations:
• Web site: www.troublewith.com put together by Focus on the Family which has a section entitled “Sexual Abuse” which can help you in numerous ways.
• Wounded Heart Ministries, Dr. Dan Allender. Offers workshops around the country as well as a newsletter. Call Western Seminary at (888) 977-2002 and ask for information or to go to their web site click here.
• Freedom in Christ Ministries, Dr. Neil Anderson, 10 West Dry Creek Circle, Littleton, CO, 80120; (303) 730-4211. Offers seminars around the country on how to be free from the chains of the past and to live free in Christ.

Counseling:
• Call the Rape Abuse Incest National Network Hot Line at 1-800-656-HOPE. You can speak to an advocate who will help you find resources in your area: Call (719) 531-3400, or write Focus on the Family , Colorado Springs, CO, 80995-7451. Limited telephone counseling available. Also, the correspondence department can suggest helpful resources… New Life Clinics offer counseling and group therapy. (And have many of resources available). Call (800) NEW-LIFE, and ask for the clinic nearest you.

We hope all of this has been helpful for you. Please know our love and prayers are with you as together we strive to make our marriages convey the love of Christ in every way.

In Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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