We live in “perilous times” — no one can deny that as we’re presently witnessing the war front in Iraq and in other locations in today’s world. We also can see that in marriages today in ever increasing numbers all around us. (The divorce statistics bear that out.)

Marriages are all too often becoming staging areas for dramatic and traumatic battles between husbands and wives. Those who are encountering differing opinions and expectations from their spouse (which happens in every marriage) are too often exploding into “unfair” fighting that’s destroying and dividing rather than coming to peaceful resolutions. That’s why we’re putting out a call for married couples to PLAN A PEACE CONFERENCE.

Our spouse is not the enemy who’s come into the marriage to “seek and destroy” us — they’re our partner in our relationship and are to be treated as such. And as our partner, we need to work together in a team effort to resolve our conflicts in healthy ways.

There’s excellent research that’s come out in recent years on the area of marriage that shows that the likelihood of divorce can be predicted by how couples handle conflict. So the questions come to mind: how do you handle conflict? Do you feel that you’re able as a married couple to resolve your differences in peaceable, healthy ways so that you both feel better about the situation and each other? If you don’t—you may want to step back and look at how you argue and plan for a better way.

If how you’ve handled resolving conflicts between you hasn’t brought you closer together in the past, then why keep repeating a pattern that doesn’t work? Just because a behavior may come naturally to you, it doesn’t mean it’s right. In the area of arguing it isn’t about who’s right… but what’s right—what’s the right thing to do.

We’d like to share with you some things that Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (Co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University www.RealRelationships.com) said in an article in a past “Marriage Partnership” magazine on this very topic.

We’re going to divide it up into shorter “bite-sized” segments so that you can pay closer attention to each statement. What the Parrott’s have to say is so important—it’s something we should all apply whenever we argue with one another. We hope you’ll read the statements together with you spouse and discuss each point they’re making. They said:

“The bottom line is this: Far more important than whether you argue is how you argue. So here are a few tips on how to fight fair.

• First, when you experience tension in your relationship, plan a peace conference.

• Don’t ignore the conflict, hoping it will disappear.

• Set a mutually agreeable “appointment” time to discuss what’s bothering you.”

• “Next, cultivate a win-win attitude. In other words, seek to understand your partner’s perspective before trying to prove your case.”

• Too many spouses become instant attorneys when it comes to marital conflict, convincing an invisible jury that they’ve been treated unjustly and that their partner should be found guilty. Don’t fall for this strategy.

• Instead, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to see the world from their perspective.

• In fighting fair, the point isn’t to prove your partner wrong and win—THE GOAL IS TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER SO YOU BOTH WIN.

• (As we’ve heard it said so many times before, you may win the battle but lose the war. Keep in mind that when your spouse loses — you both lose because it negatively affects your partnership.)

• This leads to another tip: ATTACK THE PROBLEM NOT THE PERSON.

• You’re not going to change your spouse through arguing. Our natural impulse during conflict is to defend and protect our position, not accommodate the other person, even when it’s our mate.

• If you accuse your husband of always making you late, he’s probably not going to say, “Oh, you’re right. I’ll be different from now on.”

• He’s more likely to give you a hundred differing reasons why he’s not at fault.

• You’ll be far more productive if you focus on the problem and work together as a team, to devise a way of avoiding it.

• Overall, be cooperative. The Bible says, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men…” (Hebrews 12:14.)

• Be willing to flex and yield to your partner. Scripture says, “Wisdom… is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it’s full of mercy and good deeds. It’s wholehearted and straightforward and sincere” (James 3:17, TLB).

• If you decide to have a cooperative attitude with your partner you’ll have found the secret to fighting fair.

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What we’ve found to be so vital in how we communicate with each other is: don’t to forget to treat each other with respect and honor. As the Bible says, “Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). We can’t emphasize that enough! When we remember to honor each other above ourselves all the points mentioned above naturally occurs as a result.”We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly” (Sam Keen). It’s our prayer that together we’ll treat our imperfect spouse with the honor God requires of us.

Because of Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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