Have you ever been stung by your spouse saying something to you so hurtful that it was like a poisonous assault to your feelings? What’s so devastating about this is when we say “I do” when we marry, this is not one of the things we think we’ve agreed to be a part of—and it isn’t supposed to be-not by God design.

The Bible says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

With that said we would like to address the issue of poisonous putdowns—communicating with each other in ways that insult and assault rather than build each other up and encourage each other to live as Christ would have us.

Marriage and relationship expert, Dr Gary Chapman addressed this topic in the summer 2004 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com that we’d like to share with you that hopefully will give light to a sinful spiritual stronghold that needs to be looked at and rooted out in every home in which it occurs. Harsh words can destroy your marriage. Here’s how to defuse verbal abuse:

“He makes me feel stupid—like I can’t do things right.” “She talks so condescendingly to me in front of others.”

Physical abuse in marriage is devastating. But verbal abuse—putdowns, blame, harsh or bitter words, profanity—can be just as destructive.

Verbal abuse uses words as grenades—designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify actions—it’s a poisonous putdown that one spouse uses to make the other feel bad, appear wrong or inadequate.

The book of Proverbs is filled with warnings against unleashing poisonous words: “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (29:20); “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (29:11); “The tongue has the power of life and death” (18:21). Clearly the Bible warns against verbal abuse.

Confront lovingly. Marilyn and Jeff struggled with this issue. Jeff would make cutting, nasty remarks if he didn’t like what Marilyn was doing. She finally came to me for counseling.

I encouraged Marilyn to confront Jeff lovingly. Later that night after the children were in bed, she told him, “I’ve been thinking about us. I remember how kind you were to me when we dated: your tender touch, your kind words, and the fun we had. Sometimes, though, I lose that vision when I’m hurt by your verbal attacks. I believe that gentle, loving man—the one I married—is the man you really want to be.”

Take time away. Two weeks later Jeff exploded again in harsh words to Marilyn. Since confrontation needs to be progressive, I encouraged Marilyn to up the ante.

Marilyn had another conversation with Jeff: “I’ve made a decision. I’ve explained how deeply I’m hurt when you lash out at me with critical and demeaning words. It takes me days and sometimes weeks to get over the pain. I’ve decided that the next time you lose your temper and yell at me, I’ll take some time away from you in order to recover. I’m not abandoning you; I’m trying to take constructive action. I’m sharing this with you because I believe in you and want to improve our marriage.”

“Your leaving isn’t going to help,” Jeff scoffed. “Perhaps not,” Marilyn said, “but at least it’s a step in the right direction.”

A week later when Jeff erupted, Marilyn packed up their children and spent three days with her mother. That’s when Jeff got serious about his destructive behavior. He sought counseling and started down the road to recovery. While not all spouses will respond as quickly as Jeff, most will face reality when confronted with tough love.

Don’t give in. We must never allow verbal abuse “to work” for the abuser. Giving in encourages that negative behavior to continue. If you recognize this in your marriage, you might say, “I realize I’ve encouraged your verbal outbursts by caving in. I understand now that this is wrong. In the future I will no longer be responsive when you lash out. If you want something, ask nicely, and I may well do what you desire. But I won’t give in when you rant and rave.” Then be consistent in following through. Love confronts and love is consistent.

Pray. Loving confrontation is best accompanied by prayer. We aren’t praying simply for our spouse. We’re asking for God’s wisdom that we may know how to be constructive in our situation. We’re asking for emotional strength to take positive action and not become victims of our spouse’s wrong behavior.

Does the above approach guarantee your spouse will eliminate the abusive behavior? No. We can’t determine another’s choices. We can, however, be responsible even when our spouse is being irresponsible. Retaliation (fighting fire with fire), capitulation (giving up and becoming a doormat), and denial (acting as though nothing is wrong) are all common responses to verbal abuse. None of them, however, are Christian responses. The Christian response is loving confrontation.

“If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).

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We hope this message will inspire those of you who are caught up in this abuse to take whatever action you need to make to stop it. To help you in this mission we recommend that you visit our web site and read the articles we have posted for troubled marriages.We also recommend that you visit a web site developed by Focus on the Family at www.troublewith.com because it has a section entitled “Physical and Verbal Abuse” which has a variety of articles and resource recommendations that can lead you to get the help you need. Whether you are a victim or a victimizer, you need to make this abuse stop.

The Bible says in the book of Malachi (in chapter 2),

“You flood the LORD’S altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence [or his wife] as well as with his garment,’ says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.”

That is the prayer of our heart—that we will not break faith.

We pray God’s blessing upon you and your marriage as together we strive to make our marriages the best they can be because of the love of Christ.

Steve and Cindy Wright

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