Some people aren’t ready to quit “cleaving” to the spouse who left them through death. You need to make sure that you have each properly dealt with their deaths and you are ready and committed to cleave to each other.

I’m particularly concerned because of his daughter and wife’s mother who will be living with you. I think it’s noble and shows great character that he is having them live with him, but there can also be problems. You want to make sure that you aren’t entering into a marriage where his former wife and the family he had with her trumps over the place of priority you should have in his heart and the way he treats you in what will be your marital home together.

It’s important to work through your decisions together now BEFORE you marry, as to how you will make your marriage work so you are a marital team who approaches life together rather than living out a parallel existence in the same home. I’ve sadly seen that happen over and over again. Make sure you are both healthy and respectful in the way you handle conflict resolution and differences that will come up between you (and that you stay that way).

Tracie, I have to say that I’m a bit concerned with the 40 year old daughter and the past wife’s mother living with you. It might work out fine, but you really need to think through how all of this will play out when a new woman comes into what has been their home and family unit before you came into the picture. Boundaries and family rules will need to be put in place ahead of time or I’m certain you will live to regret it.

I HIGHLY recommend that you both go to a counselor together to work through these issues NOW. It MIGHT work out ok if you move into their home, although I’m a bit skeptical. They usually say it’s best to find a home that becomes BOTH of yours — not a home that was once his or yours and you or he moves into it. A lot of times territorial issues come up.

The fact that he has his daughter and former mother-in-law living with him reflects that he probably has a wonderful heart — which is most likely one of the reasons you fell in love with him. And I can understand that. But even so, don’t assume that this will carry over into your marriage relationship. The Bible is pretty clear about “counting costs” and wisely planning that which you should beforehand. Even without them living in your home, you will have A LOT of adjustments to make.

Remember the many adjustments you had to make over the years with your first husband? Well, you and your new husband will now each be “breaking in” a new spouse. That will involve a huge learning curve and a lot of grace and needed wisdom in the upcoming years, even without the extra relationship matters that will come into play with your grown children and his and all the rest.

If you don’t know of a good counselor, please go into the “Remarriage” links part of the web site or the Marriage Counseling section to see the links we have posted there. You want to make sure you get a counselor who is pro-marriage, will ask the right questions and will help you to work through boundary and relationship issues. Not just any counselor will do. Please be diligent in this. Shop for the right one.

Sometimes we can go into marriage so starry-eyed that we forget to be wise in dotting our “i’s” and crossing our “t’s” as we should have and miss the red warning flags we should have heeded. This very well could be a GREAT marriage you will be entering into… but be wise in preparing properly first. Please know my prayers are with you. God bless!

I’m going to be getting married soon. Both my future husband and I are widows and have grown children. His 40 year old daughter lives with him and his past wife’s mother. My future husband wants me to move into his house and do with mine as I wish. What are your thoughts on this?