In the world we live in today, for as long as we’re on this side of heaven, there will always be a continual battle going on over how we spend our time. This battle will involve that which we think needs to be done, and that which really can, and should be done. Every one of us on this earth has this same 24 hours, or 1440 minutes allotted to us every day we’re here on this earth.

Within that amount of time there’s a fierce competing battle going on for how we’re going to spend each and every minute of that day.

The “tyranny of the urgent” will always be in competition with that which we say means the most to us — that which we say is our highest priority.

The Psalmist said, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). And that should be the prayer of our hearts also—especially in our marriages. What does our daily schedule really say about what is of the highest priority in our life? The Bible tells us that where our treasure is, that’s where our hearts are also. What about how we spend the treasure of our time? What does that say about where our hearts really are?

Dr. James Dobson states that in modern America, “it’s almost inevitable that a vigorous competition arises between a man’s job and his home. Achieving a balance between these two areas of responsibility requires constant vigilance, and quite frankly, most men tip the scales dramatically in the direction of their employment.”

He goes on to say, “Like most men, I’ve always struggled to maintain a proper perspective between my profession and my family. Just when I think I’ve conquered the dragon of over commitment, I say ‘yes’ a few times when I should have said, ‘no, thanks,’ and the monster arises to maul me again, I know of no easier mistake to make, nor one that has such devastating implications for the family.”

In all fairness, this happens with women also. It may not happen in the modern day “work world” as often with women; because most women have a tendency to be more “relationship-oriented” than “job performance-oriented”—but it still happens. It’s just at a different level.

Women will more often over-commit when it comes to relational matters—especially when it comes to caring for their children, and taking care of the house. And of course, caring for our children should be a high priority, and if the housework isn’t tended to it will create even more chaos.

But when all of that constantly ambushes the quality time it takes to “cleave” to each other as husband and wife, where does this leave the health of the marriage over the span of time? Isn’t taking the time to care for your marriage also a way of taking good care of your children?

It all comes down to daily, minute-by-minute choices. Just because we can do something, just because everything else cries for our attention, it doesn’t mean we should do it. Marriage is like a garden. If you don’t continually tend to it, it will be over-run by weeds. And those weeds will choke out all that you really want and need to come from it.

It used to be, years ago, I (Cindy) would say, “after this, things will slow down a bit.” And then it was “after that”; and then “after that, and that,” and the saga goes on. But eventually, I finally saw, that “after this, and then that, and then that”— will always be in my life.

The “tyranny of the urgent” seems to be a permanent condition attacking our lives today. And I’m only fooling myself to think things will slow down enough to tend to those priorities that I say are most important to me. And if I don’t say “no, thanks” more often—that which I say I want the most, may not be around waiting for me later.

So I’m learning, and I say that with great emphasis, that I’m learning to say “no, thanks” more often. I’m trying to learn every day from Christ how to “number” my “days aright.” I’m learning how to listen to the Lord’s quiet promptings, to come to Him when I’m weary from the demands of the tyranny of the urgent, and instead put my burdens upon Him.

He promises me that He won’t allow me to be over-burdened. And He promises that to all of us who are His children. He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

I know it will be a constant battle. But it’s a battle worth waging. Too much that’s most important to the Lord and to me is at stake if I don’t make myself go to the Lord continually to teach me how to make His priorities, my priorities. And the health of my marriage is one of those priorities.

I entered into a covenantal relationship with my husband to “love, honor, and cherish Steve, forsaking all others, until death do we part.” I made that covenantal promise to Steve; and I also made that commitment to the Lord. I intend to keep those promises. So that will mean I need to make daily, continual choices to choose “us” over “me”—to continually choose to die to “self” and instead make loving choices that will honor the Lord and honor my husband, whom the Lord told me to submit to out of “reverence for Christ.” (Read Ephesians chapter 5.)

Steve: I’ve come to see that over commitment is a “marriage killer.” I used to equate spiritual depth with the number of spiritual “things” I was involved in. I was even on a local Board for Promise Keepers while not really being the “promise keeper” God wanted me to be in our marriage. Oddly enough, it was through the Promise Keepers conferences that God revealed to me that I was only a part-time” husband and unfortunately the “part” that Cindy was getting wasn’t my best.

It will always be a battle for me to use my time “wisely” and invest it in the areas of relationship with my wife that I know is necessary to nurture our relationship. In Dr. Dobson’s booklet, How to Preserve Your Marriage, he says: “It is my observation that the hoped-for period of tranquility rarely arrives. Instead, these short-term pressures have a way of becoming sandwiched back to back, so that families emerge from one crisis and sail directly into another.”

If this sounds all too familiar then we need to make a conscious decision to CHANGE or we’ll never have the marriage God wants us to have. Now, that’s not easy to do. But, stop and consider for a moment if our busyness is something that brings God glory. Does it take us away from the really important things that we should be devoting more of our time to—like our marriages and our families?

I can’t answer these questions for you; what you do with your time is between you and God. But as for me, I’ve learned that at this point in my life Cindy is my number one (earthly) priority — not my job — and not my recreation time. I used to say that I “loved to play golf.” Now I say, I “enjoy” golf, but I really love Cindy. I know that sounds like a small thing, but when it comes to my thinking about my relationship with Cindy, there are no small things.

Let me encourage you (men) to take a few minutes and prayerfully examine your schedules. What would God want you to remove? What would He want you to move to a higher priority? What would He want you to move way down the list (if you feel it must remain)? If you struggle with this, may I suggest you ask your wife what she would want you to remove or move?

If you’d like to have the resource booklet mentioned, “How to Preserve Your Marriage,” by Dr. James Dobson, you can contact Focus on the Family directly by either calling toll free 1-800-A-FAMILY or by visiting their web site.

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work on our marriages to the glory of God,

Steve and Cindy Wright

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