“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love;
the running across fields into your lover’s arms
can only come later
when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” (Jonathan Carroll)

The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 (New International Version) that love “always protects.” That means more than physical protection. It also can mean emotional protection. Sometimes emotional protection is as important as physically protecting each other. The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” isn’t true AT ALL!

Name-calling and emotionally abusing each other can sometimes hurt more than physically hurting each other. It’s an entirely different hurt but it still hurts deeply!

In other versions of the Bible it says that love “bears all things” or “love bears up under anything and everything that comes” —meaning that you carry each other’s burdens to the point where when something bothers one of you, it bothers both of you. After all, that’s what living in covenantal marriage with each other involves. It’s a covenant relationship between you, your spouse, and God. It’s a “cord of three strands” that the Bible talks about in Ecclesiastes 4.

What I (Cindy) have learned is that when something bothers Steve, it should bother me. We’re “cleaved” together because of being married. When my finger hurts, I know it! It’s not something I can just ignore. I’m cleaved to my finger so it registers in my mind that I’m suffering because of it.

It’s the same way in marriage. If Steve hurts, I should recognize it and try to help in the healing process if I can. And if his hurting doesn’t bother me, then something is wrong. I’ve obviously allowed my feelings to get callous, beyond that which would be healthy for our relationship, and I need to do something to remedy that, because it isn’t healthy.

Is your marriage a safe enough place that your spouse knows that when they stumble, whether physically or emotionally, you won’t be among the crowd to laugh at them (unless they’re sincerely laughing at themselves)? Can they do even the stupidest things or ask questions that “appear” to be dumb and still feel “safe” with you? Do you see beyond the surface and protect their feelings enough allow them to reveal their vulnerability without devaluing them?

When our sons were younger and still living at home we used to have a rule in our home (and still do) that “Home base was safe.” As we told our sons, “the world is crazy out there; but in OUR home, we’re safe with each other.” We didn’t (and still don’t), allow the name-calling or de-valuing of each other, with words or actions. We’ve made it a point that everyone is safe from ridicule in our home. That’s true in our immediate family and anyone that enters into our home. We see it as a haven the Lord has given us for protection for everyone’s sake.

So let me ask you: Is your marriage a safe enough haven for your spouse so that when they hurt in some way they don’t need to look elsewhere to find comfort (unless it’s a male/female thing that needs a different kind of comfort)? Can they know that you’re waiting with open arms and an open mind and heart to listen to and comfort them when they need it? And do they know that you won’t make them the object of being further humiliated?

Some spouse’s will look for comfort in all the wrong places, and you may not be able to change that. Prayerfully you can. But if you can’t, at least you don’t want to give them an excuse and possibly put them further into temptation by your hurtful words and/or actions. That much you CAN do.

In Ecclesiastes 4 it says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend (which can also mean spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

These verses show the strength of being united with someone who acts like a partner to you in situations where you need one.

In marriage, we’re supposed to act like partners TOGETHER to fight against any storm that comes your way. Let’s face it, if we use our strength in fighting each other when we’re facing problems, then how much energy do we have left to do that which needs to be done to fight against the storms (or actions of the enemy of our faith)?

Steve and I, as a matter of fact, just faced a situation that exemplifies this earlier this week. We’ve had a HORRIBLY stressful week. And then we had a whole bunch of things that started breaking down around our house (which is going to cost us a lot financially as well).

One of them being that a huge tree in front of our house blew over in a monsoon rain and wind storm. Thankfully it didn’t hit our home. But we still had to contend with taking care of the tree. And because of many circumstances (beyond what we want to explain) we had to cut it down ourselves and get it ready to have hauled away.

Because of all of the stress we’ve recently experienced we started to give in to the tension we’ve been under and began to squabble with each other. Eventually we both realized that turning our energy against each other, causing more tension, wasn’t helping the situation. We’ve since prayed together and have apologized to each other and are hopeful that we won’t fall into the same trap again. (We can always “dream” that this will be so, can’t we?) We have enough to contend with without contending against each other.

How about you? Does this ring a bell with any of you? Even if you have a spouse that doesn’t want to cooperate in easing the tension, do you have to be a contributor to the frustration level that’s happening around you? That doesn’t mean that you can’t voice your opinion when things aren’t going as you think they should. But do you take it over the line of “speaking the truth in love” and let it go into the area of being contentious where it doesn’t help the situation?

We hope you’ll pray about this and ask God to convict your heart of that which is wrong. We hope you’ll pray with us, what David prayed in Psalm 139, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

May the Lord put a spot light to reveal that which you need to confess to Him! And may He bless you as you confess that which you need to and point your heart toward that which is “everlasting!” We pray He blesses your marriage ABUNDANTLY!

Cindy and Steve Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)

 Email This Page