The following are quotes that center around the subject of abuse in Marriage. We pray you will find them helpful.
• All marriages are sacred, but not all are safe. (Rob Jackson)
• Most people think “abuse” is just physical attacks such as hitting, punching, kicking, pulling hair, twisting limbs, pinching, slapping, biting, etc. There are many other type of abusive behavior which hurt just as much or more than physical abuse. Just because an abuser stops hitting his spouse doesn’t mean he has stopped being abusive. (Brenda Branson, from article titled, “All Abuse Hurts” posted on TroubledWith.com)
• Just because you aren’t being physically punched, slapped, or kicked doesn’t mean you aren’t in an abusive marriage. Here are some questions to ask yourself which will help you determine whether or not you are in an abusive relationship: • Does my spouse ever try to physically stop me from leaving the room? • Does my spouse ever push me, grab me or my clothing, or hold me against my will? • Does Does my spouse ever tell me to kill myself? • Does my spouse ever threaten to hurt me for any reason? • Does my spouse ever point a weapon of any kind toward me, our children, or him or herself? • Does my spouse ever use language that suggests he or she will “solve” our marriage problems forever through death? • Am I afraid of my spouse?
These questions are not gender exclusive. If you answered yes to any of them, your marriage is fear based and you are in danger of being a victim of domestic violence. Put a plan together now to get the help you need. (Joe and Michelle Williams, from the book “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved”)
• Anger that’s used to control, manipulate, and hold another emotionally hostage is out of control and abusive. It typically starts with name-calling, emotional jabs at a person’s self-worth, painful teasing, public insults. It progresses from there. Eventually the abuser is yelling, grabbing, pushing, slapping, and becoming increasingly aggressive and violent. Remorse follows. So too does more abuse. Even just one of these tactics is abuse, and it won’t stop without serious intervention. If you or your children are being treated in this fashion, please seek help. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)
• Simply being an eyewitness to family violence has a great effect upon a youngster. “A child witnessing his mother being battered is equivalent to the child being battered,” notes therapist John Bradshaw. One youth named Ed hated seeing his father beat his mother. Nevertheless, although he may not have realized it, he was being conditioned to believe that men must control women and that in order to do so, men must scare, hurt, and demean them. When he became an adult, Ed used these abusive, violent tactics on his wife.
Some parents cautiously forbid their children to watch violence on television, and that is a good thing. But parents should be even more cautious when it comes to monitoring their own behavior as role models for their impressionable children. (Frankie Goh, from article, “What Causes Domestic Violence” posted on ezinearticles.com)
• Studies show that one third of children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems. Children may experience such problems as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, school problems (low achievement), drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence.
Boys who witness their father’s abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults. (From the booklet the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which is a down-loadable file available on the web site for Family Life Today, which you can click into HERE.)
• Though prevalent in our culture, verbal abuse often goes unrecognized because it leaves invisible scars. The abusers often come across as nice, even charming, people when they interact with the general public. But behind closed doors, they use cutting words to exert control over those closest to them. And they do it by sending a two-sided message: “I love you…but I don’t.”
The twisted expression of their “love” creates confusion and a sense of helplessness in their victims. This form of abuse includes humiliating, threatening, insulting, or intimidating one’s partner. It also is characterized by withdrawal of approval or affection. The abuser may try to control what his partner wears or who she spends time with. He may even isolate her from family and friends. This constant belittling can cut to the core of a person’s being. (Holly Hudson, from the article, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen” as posted on TroubledWith.com)
• A person can be so verbally abused that they don’t know what’s true anymore. This abuse is designed to put a person in a numb state so they are unable to make clear, concise decisions. The path of verbal abuse leads a person from what they know as truth into a confused state. This confused state arises because the abuser consistently interjects lies as truth until the abused no longer knows what to believe. For example, we can see this happen when the abuser uses truths from the Bible to justify a lie, or the abuser twists the Bible’s true intent to satisfy his own selfish motive.
The sad part comes when the abused embraces the lies from the abuser as truth, thereby disregarding the real truth. At this point the abused feels like they are in chains of bondage with no way out. A trusted godly person is like a life preserver to the abused at this point. For “the mouth of the righteous is a well of life” (Proverbs 10:11a). (From an article titled, “Verbal Abuse in Marriage” as posted on the web site, DivorceHope.com)
• What makes verbal abuse particularly threatening is the fact that verbal abuse always precedes physical abuse. The progression to this level of attack may take years — or months. (Holly Hudson, from the article, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen” as posted on TroubledWith.com)
• All forms of abuse follow a pattern that, left unchecked, will only increase over time. Injuries from verbal and emotional abuse can run deep and leave lasting scars. Many emotionally and verbally abused people reason that, because there are no bruises or broken bones, their abuse must not be serious. But it is. …If pain motivates you to act against emotional and verbal abuse, then listen and act. You may be saving more than your life. (Beth J. Lueders, from article titled, “Emotional and Verbal Abuse” posted on TroubledWith.com)
• While the optimum situation is for both parties in an abusive situation to seek help, Dr. Tim Clinton, President of the American Association of Christian Counselors, insists one person can change the relationship. “Change a person; change a relationship,” he says. On the other hand, if the abuse is severe and occurring within the marriage relationship, it’s time to take bold steps and assert biblical, healthy boundaries. (Mary J. Yerkes, from the article “Healing the Wounds of Emotional Abuse” posted on family.org)
• Sometimes separation can be a powerful attention-getting boundary if you’re fully ready to use it. The purpose of the separation can be to physically or emotionally protect you and your children or to convince your husband (or wife) that you’ll not continue to live the same way. Separation can also be by mutual agreement for each to work on your own problems separately with the goal of reconciling your marriage. (Karla Downing, from book “10 Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages”)
• Keep in mind that if you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone!
If you are staying in your home out of fear, or if your husband’s words or behavior becomes more and more threatening, you need to work out an immediate safety plan. With the help of friends and counselors, you will need to plan where to keep keys, clothes, medications, and important documents; what to do with your children’ where you will go if you have to leave suddenly, and much more. You may need to choose a safe, protected environment where you can be kept hidden from your husband. (From the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which is a down-loadable file available on the web site for Family Life Today, which you can click into HERE.)
• The hallmarks of an abuser — both verbal and physical — include jealousy, a need to control, efforts to isolate their partner or relative, attempts to rush a romantic relationship and disrespect for privacy and personal boundaries. Drug and alcohol abuse are often present in the situation. (Holly Hudson, from article titled, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen” posted on TroubledWith.com)
• Minna Schulman, director of a domestic violence and law enforcement agency, stated that violence is a tool that men use to maintain control and to demonstrate power and authority over a woman. She added: “We see domestic violence as a misuse of power and control.”
Some wife beaters suffer from low self-esteem, the same trait they induce in their victims. If they can do that, then their ego will have been fed, and they will feel a measure of superiority and control over another human. They feel that they prove their masculinity in this way. Yet, do they? Since they perpetrate their violence on physically weaker women, does it prove that they are truly men of strength, or does it prove, instead, that they are unreasonable? Is it really manly for a stronger male to beat up a weaker, more defenseless female? A man of strong moral character would show consideration and compassion for weaker and more defenseless ones, not take advantage of them.
Another demonstration of the unreasonable thinking of the abuser is the fact that he often blames his wife for provoking the beatings. He may imply, or even say to her, such things as: ‘You didn’t do this right. That’s why I’m beating you.’ Or: ‘Dinner was late, so you’re just getting what you deserve.’ In the abuser’s mind, it is her fault. However, no shortcoming of the other mate justifies battering. (Frankie Goh, from article, “What Causes Domestic Violence” posted on ezinearticles.com)
• Don’t blame yourself. Realize that the abuse is not your fault, no matter what your abuser says. Understand that abuse can happen to anyone, of any faith, age, economic status, race, or neighborhood. Know that you are not alone. Know that you are not stupid or worthless; to the contrary, God loves you deeply and values you highly.
Realize that God does not condone abuse of any kind. Believe that His will for you is to break free of the abuse you’re suffering. Recognize your need for help, and decide to pursue it. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• Instead of following Christ’s model of servant leadership in the home, an abusive man views it as his God-given right to have power and control over his wife, and rewrites the scripture to give himself the right to punish her whenever she falls short of his expectations. Jesus would remind us that He, as head of the church, is the role model for the husband. Has he ever been controlling and abusive toward the church? Or does He, as a servant leader, lovingly guide and nurture His church?
… Although churches should offer unconditional love, far too often families are only accepted by the congregation if they seem to fit in with the status quo. …Jesus offers unconditional love and acceptance, and does not value a person for how he looks or what he owns. He said, “You are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside, but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. You try to look like upright people outwardly, but inside your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matthew 23:27-28 NLT)
… Although some churches are guilty of perpetuating family violence, many other church communities and pastors are actively involved in stopping the cycle of abuse, providing safety for the victim and help for the abuser. Does your church offer hope or perpetuate the pain? (From the article, “Abuse and The Church’s Role” as posted on TroubledWith.com.)
• Church leaders need to realize batterers can be manipulative. I know a woman in my community who went to her pastor for help because she was afraid of her husband. The pastor called her husband and asked that he and the wife come in for counseling. The poor woman was absolutely terrified to sit in a joint counseling session with her husband and said nothing while the husband smoothed things over.
Shortly after this, the woman made a decision to leave her husband. One night when she thought he was away, she returned home to get some of her things. The husband was there hiding and beat the woman so severely that parts of her brain were exposed.
Leaders also need to work to dismiss misinterpretations of Scripture such as 1 Peter 3:1-6, which abusers often use to defend their actions. It’s unbelievable how many Christian men think they’re entitled by God to discipline and control their wives. As 1 Peter 3:7 reminds us, no man has a God-given right to punish or retaliate against his wife under any condition. And a woman shouldn’t be led to think that through her submission and suffering she’ll become a better person. To allow someone to abuse you does not bring glory to God. (Corrie Cutrer, from article titled, “The Silent Epidemic” posted on Today’s Christian Woman —You can read entire article by clicking HERE)
• Marriage is for committed lovers, not hostages. Marriage is a sacred relationship created for two people who complete each other spiritually. While it requires sacrificial service, it is not a call to martyrdom. In many cases of domestic violence, a therapeutic separation is necessary to gain safety and direct attention to the gravity of the need for change. (Rob Jackson, from chapter “What If My Spouse Abuses Me?” from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Break your silence. Reflect on how much pain you’ve suffered, and remember your abuser’s broken promises. Consider the fear you feel and how your children are being affected. Gather your courage to take action. Realize that God offers you real hope for a life free of abuse. Take stock of trustworthy people with whom you may safely share your story. Start by telling one person as soon as you can. Then reach out to others so you’re not relying just one person to meet all your needs.
Don’t let the person abusing you know who you have told so he or she won’t try to harm the people who are trying to help you. Understand that it’s critical for you to break your silence, however. Know that many people are willing and able to help you if you let them know what’s going on. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• Abuse is always wrong. Some try to excuse it. Most perpetrators have a sense of entitlement, thinking their actions are justified. Ironically, their victims may also believe they deserve to be mistreated. Some will even defend their abuser, citing his or her earnest apologies afterward. But abuse in any form, for any reason, wounds both spouses. It’s always sinful, and few things destroy trust in a marriage as quickly. Regardless of childhood pain or marital conflict, mature spouses learn to set limits so anger doesn’t become abuse by frequency, degree, or duration. (Rob Jackson, from chapter, “What If My Spouse Abuses Me?” from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Most people assume that men are almost always more violent, and men are sometimes seen as the only ones who need help with anger and the sources of anger. In reality, both genders need help. Spousal abuse from the wife to husband is currently an underreported problem in homes of passive men. Domestic-violence research overwhelmingly shows that women are as likely as men to initiate and engage in domestic violence, and that much of female domestic violence is not committed in self-defense. Studies show that women often compensate for smaller size by greater use of weapons and the element of surprise. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book Married But Not Engaged, pg. 145)
• No one, under any circumstance, deserves to feel disregarded, insulted, controlled, coerced, intimidated, hurt, hit, pushed, grabbed, or touched in any undesired way. Nothing that anyone in a family says or does justifies abuse. One act of abuse never justifies another. Everyone has the right and the responsibility to heal suffering. Whenever we hurt a loved one we bleed a little inside. That internal injury, unhealed, becomes the source of still more anger, aggression, diminished sense of self, and enduring misery. (Dr Steven Stosny, www.CompassionPower.com)
• Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they’ve had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment. The sole purpose of your husband’s anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: • Protector • Provider • Lover • Parent. In truth, most men feel inadequate about relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all relationships require: support and compassion. (Steven Stosny, from article, “You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse”, www.CompassionPower.com)
• What All Forms of Abuse Have in Common: Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease. It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn’t care or try to understand. It feels like he’s not the person you married.
Unlike love, which masks the differences between people, compassion makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities of other people. It lets us appreciate our differences. Love without the sensitivity of compassion is: • Rejecting (who you really are as a person) • Possessive • Controlling • Dangerous. (Steven Stosny, from article, “Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse”, www.CompassionPower.com)
• In abusive relationships, violence usually occurs in cycles. The cycle of violence begins with increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. Then the cycle progresses to a violent stage where the abuser begins to afflict physical violence such as hitting, kicking, slapping, etc. After the storm of violence blows over, he may experience remorse and swear he will never resort to such behavior again. This is called the calm stage or honeymoon stage.
There are several tactics a man might use to sweet talk his way back into his victim’s life — or to convince her to return to the home if she has left. These include showering her with love and gifts; telling her he will be a great dad; starting to attend church services; halting his drinking; and starting to receive outside counseling. Often the cycle begins again, however, and continues under his control until the battered woman learns to break free. (From the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which is a down-loadable file available on the web site for Family Life Today, which you can click into HERE.)
• How to Know If Your Husband Has Truly Changed: If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no doubt experienced “honeymoon” periods in the past when, driven by remorse, he seemed to change and everything was fine. The following will help you know that your partner is in the process of permanent change. You will feel that he consistently (every day): • Values and appreciates you—you are important to him; • Listens to you; • Shows compassion—cares how you feel, even when you disagree with him; • Respects you as an equal and doesn’t try to control you or dismiss your opinions; • Shows affection without always expecting sex; • Regulates his guilt, shame, anxiety, resentment or anger, without blaming them on you. (Dr Steven Stosny, www.CompassionPower.com)
• Seek wisdom when deciding whether or not to reconcile with the one who abused you. Make sure that your abuser has demonstrated strong accountability and thorough change before you consider restoring your relationship with him or her. Understand that, if you are to reconcile, you should feel stronger, safe to voice your own opinions, and able to live without fear or the threat of violence. You need to be valued for who you are and have your skills and talents appreciated and respected. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom about whether to reconcile, and if so, when. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• If you have been abused and are hurt deeply inside, there is hope, healing, and full restoration. If you will yield your heart to the Holy Spirit sent from God to be our helper, He will lead you through every traumatic situation that you have been through into wholeness. The process is painful. However, on the other side of each “door of pain” is a place of joy, peace and rest.
The Holy Spirit works through the Word of God (the Bible). Which means, you must diligently give yourself to study of the Bible daily, surround yourself with godly people, turn your ears and eyes away from the secular media including TV, radio, movies, books and the like, and turn all of your heart over to Jesus, He will tenderly minister life to you instead of death. Share the pain of your heart with Him while searching the Scriptures for the answers. As you’re doing that, turn your eyes and ears to godly Christian books, tapes, videos, TV, radio stations and music that God can use to administer healing to your heart. (From an article titled, Abuse in Marriage, as posted on DivorceHope.com)
• Use the many resources that can help you. Spiritually, bring all your painful feelings and hard questions to God in prayer. Invite Him to minister to you through His Spirit and His Word — especially passages such as the Psalms in which biblical characters pour out their own pain and doubts to Him and find deliverance. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• Your life is not futile because God has not forgotten you. Although it may seem you are on an endless treadmill of despair and tragic circumstances, God is working behind the scenes, in spite of your pain, to bring you out of bondage and “give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11) (From article, “Because He Loves You” posted on web site for FOCUS MINISTRIES www.focusministries1.org)
• To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:1-5)
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15 comments so far ↓
1 Rosemary // Oct 3, 2007 at 3:21 am
I have been in a verbally abusive 2nd marriage for 8 years. My husband denies that he “fits” into this category when I talk to him about it and tell him how his behavior and words make me feel. His response is that I make him do this because I don’t listen to him???!!! I would like to show him this article, as everything that is written, is my life with him. Your article articulates it so well, more than I could, as I am now in the “confused” state you mention. He reminds me that he is head of the house. Could you please give me some tips on how to approach him with this article? Rose
2 Cindy Wright // Oct 3, 2007 at 8:11 am
Rose, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this in your marriage. It’s very typical that one who abuses, to accuse the victim of being the one responsible. They don’t look within to see that no one can MAKE them stoop to this type of verbal assault. It lowers their dignity as a human being — no matter what the other person says or does, if they assault them verbally or physically. It’s a matter of impulse control. They give into the impulse to react in a degrading way when they feel out of control in some way and they lack the determination to change their behavior. It’s easier to give in to their impulses and then blame the other person. Until they come to the realization that this is wrong, the main thing you can do is try to protect yourself and do what you can not to add fuel to the fire. You can also read what you can on this type of behavior so you can learn what you can do to empower yourself not to continue on be victimized. Unfortunately, your husband may not want to read up on this subject until he is ready to acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong and is willing to reach out for help.You don’t say what part of the world you are located but I pray that you start with our web site to learn what you can and look for other resources that we mention and those around you as a launching point to study what you can to help yourself in this horrible situation. My heart and prayers are with you.
3 H // Oct 12, 2007 at 9:31 pm
I am also in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage I left and we were separated after 1 year of marriage the separation lasted about 1 1/2 years- I was such a basket case I hyper ventilated at him even ringing my telephone and I had terrible anxiety even seeing him…I left my long term professional career with my company for stress/depression and he supported me and was caring and loving, at that time he was sympathetic, understanding, took me to the doctor, talked with me trying to make me feel better, slowly he manipulated his way back into my life, telling me how he learned what had happened, he knew exactly what things had gone wrong, and treated me beautifully. ……then he “slipped” and I got pregnant.
Things had been going so well and I was 37, always desperately wanted children, it was a blessing and a sign from God we should be together. I moved back and immediately things began to change he was reverting back to his old ways- even worse in because now I repulsed him with my pregnant body…previously he wouldn’t leave me alone and was always grabbing at me and groping me constantly and I would always tell him he was hurting me…at the time I didn’t even realize I was so wounded inside that no wonder I didn’t feel attracted to this very gorgeous man.
So now I am pregnant and had left my job of 16 years and had sold my house. I tried to talk to him and get him to acknowledge that we had to address things now and not wait until we were back to where we were when I left and he just kept making excuses, he abandoned me emotionally, physically, while I was pregnant, used porn on the web, kept me hostage in the car screaming at me when he was angry, left me home alone for 3 hours when I was in Labor, it goes on and on.
Now we are in counselling with a great Christian/psy D and he had me read “Boundaries”……it has given me tremendous insight as to what I have done to contribute to the perpetuation of the abusive treatment I receive from my husband….we have a long road ahead but perhaps we can make it? PLEASE read this book it is truly an eye opener and has taught me about practical applications of scripture- something I never learned having been raised Catholic.
Steve and Cindy often refer to Quotes from Dr.Phil- he says that you “teach people how to treat you” and I guess what he is really saying is that when we don’t set boundaries we might as well be saying that we are a doormat. Anyway, I have a tough road ahead but I know that even on the days when I feel so much pain inside that I think I wish I could just crawl into a hole and die, I see my son and believe that it must be God’s plan for me to have this experience, I have been given such a gift- the most precious, affectionate and smart little boy who is such a joy…I know I need to have faith in God’s plan for my life and my marriage I can tell you to buy this book- it will help you.
4 Mark // Feb 12, 2008 at 5:19 pm
(NIGERIA) Hi, I have some issues with the write up. No doubt well articulated but it pre-supposes marital abuse is hubby against wife and couldn’t possibly be the other way. I know many a man driven to alcohol, late nights in the office because the amount of bile they get from their wives has just made them feel worthless!
My point is the article lacks balance and certainly does not depict reality! The world out there isn’t conducive for the man as he can’t seem to do much right- that’s all you hear from women in the world and yet when he seeks comfort with Christians, he gets a ‘harsher’ judgment from those whom he thought knew better. If we do not take care, the body of Christ will be responsible for ‘killing’ our brethren.
5 skwright // Feb 12, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Hi Mark, You are so very right about this. The other problem is that we haven’t found articles written to make more people aware of this situation. We’ve searched and searched. We realize that many men are guarded and ashamed of the opinions of others if they complain about this, but somehow, someone has to be brave enough to say something in public so others can know about this growing problem. If we had a number of men write us with their testimony — even if they wanted to remain anonymous, we’d gladly put an article together. But there seems to be a silent number of men just trying to cope who haven’t found their “voice” over this matter.
Abuse is abuse — and it isn’t justified if it comes from a woman or it comes from a man. So often the abuser will say, “Well, I wouldn’t do what I do if they didn’t do what they do.” Somehow they think that makes their abusive behavior justifiable. But that’s plain wrong no matter who says it. No one MAKES you abuse another person. It’s a de-humanizing choice a person can make, to lower themselves into. There’s something called integrity — not going with your “gut feeling” or “instincts” but instead rising above the situation and saying “I will not (inflict physical or verbal abuse)even though I feel inclined to or I want to… No one can MAKE me hurt another, no matter how hurt I feel.” Someone has to be the hero here and stop the cycle of wrong.
Thanks for pointing this out. We’ve wanted someone to say something for a long time and your note is a good start.
6 LT // Feb 13, 2008 at 12:12 pm
(USA) Hi Mark and Steve, As a person with abuse in my own marriage, I want to write my thoughts on what you two have mentioned. They are a few different thoughts (for what they are worth) and may seem random but they are what came to my mind.
First, a bit about me: I had to have my Christian family confront my husband on physical abuse. We were separated for a time and are now living together again, with no hitting, but still a lot of anger. I went through a lot of confusion, bitterness and resentment on my part (but God helped me work through that) and my husband, deep down, still resents me for having him confronted. He knew he had a problem but he was determined that he was working on it, but the thing is - whatever he was doing wasn’t effective enough because the physical stuff was still happening until the intervention happened.
Regarding not much info about abusive women: this is true, there is not much but there is some. I bought a book (a Christian reference book) written about healing from abuse and there was one chapter on the male victim of abuse. On some websites of domestic violence, there is also usually a link somewhere for the male victim.
Mark - it sounds like you are referring more to women who are verbally abusive - belittling their husbands and making them feel useless. In that case - please read the comment above by H - talking about boundaries. There is also an article on this website about boundaries - you should look at that as well, if you are facing demeaning treatment. The boundaries are what we do when we respect ourselves enough not to let others treat us in a bad way - it’s a set of rules we set for ourselves. God loves us so we should love ourselves enough, too, to decide what to do when someone treats us badly.
My current situation is one where God has strengthened me (gave me a sound mind, like the scriptures say, not a mind of fear) and the physical abuse is no longer present but the mindset is still not healthy here in my house. God pointed me to that article - I prayed and set boundaries for my personal situation and I stick to them, regardless, and feel Christ with me when I do that even though the other person may not like it. You should definitely take a look at that article.
But I also know that part of setting boundaries and dealing with treatment from others that isn’t pleasing, requires strength from God. God does use other’s flaws to strengthen our own character and test us. If you (or a friend) have a wife that treats them badly (assuming it is just verbal, not physical) - staying at the office late is avoiding the problem and will not contribute to the problem being fixed. To fix it and instill change, we have to actively take a role in the resolution process. That’s what I’ve been shown. And it was NOT easy for me, having been oppressed so long and being a mousy person because of it. Recognize the problem and work toward fixing it (even if only one person is doing the working). God does use other people to refine us. It’s the job of the abuse victim to rise above it and show an example in how they respond. That can’t be done if someone is running from the problem or avoiding it.
One other thought - if you look at websites concerning abuse, I can tell you I’ve never met one person that doesn’t fit into the category of "abuser" in at least some way or other. We’re all imperfect. These sites have questions to ask yourself whether you are abused or abusing. MOST people I know, including myself, can answer yes to at least one question of whether they are abusing (or have in the past). The big difference is, whether that’s someone’s demeanor MOST or ALL of the time. The person who answers yes and is that way most of the time (ie, they tend to live in that state and that’s the core of who they are) are the ones who need to be confronted. But it is eye opening to read the questions.
There are a lot of people out there that are abusive in isolated incidents, and may not realize it. That helps keep things in perspective and helps us point the finger back at ourselves instead of always pointing out the speck in someone else’s eye.
Anyway - these were the thoughts I was struck with. I do feel this site would be benefited if more men wrote up. I love women and reading what they write, but it’s helpful for more men’s perspectives to be shown.
If I find some links to sites that talk about male victims of abuse I will post them in the future.
7 Mark // Feb 14, 2008 at 5:16 pm
(NIGERIA) Just to a a little more to what I seem to have started here regarding abuse of husbands in marriages. There’s no doubt that this is mostly in verbal/soul-deprecating form. I would go on to say that the very thing that men are not commended for - most men aren’t vocal about this for one simple reason. They feel the need to be protective - they follow Christ’s example! Most are told to give their lives for their wives even as Christ did for the church.
I also stated that if care is not taken, the body of Christ will be responsible for ‘killing’ our brethren (literally). Firstly, there’s a need for a change in mindset. Unfortunately, a good proportion of our sisters deem it ‘natural’ to just bash men! I hear this from females in the work place who are non-Christians are well as from Christians alike.
The focus is always on what ‘he’ does wrong (be observant about this from now on). This theme has been in existence for such a long time it’s become law/norm to sisters in general. Asking men to be more vocal, especially on issues like these no doubt has it’s pros & cons - it definitely will bring balance to this debate but does that not diminish/tarnish a key aspect of what being a hubby is supposed to be - a shield/protector?
I read a while back that in medieval France, a man who had been abused by his wife was forced to wear a dress and ride a donkey sitting the other way! This apparently was to depict his weakness. I would have thought that being able to show restraint would made him anything but weak? Could this possibly be another reason for the silence of a man? I’m still young and this may well be a naive statement or question. God bless
8 Leon // Mar 6, 2008 at 3:48 am
(PHILLIPPINES) Marriage is proper goal of love that any kind of love will bring remorse?
9 Heather // Apr 15, 2008 at 4:21 pm
(USA) I’ve been separated now for 8 months. My husband of about 10 years has been verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. Up until I was pregnant he was slightly physically abusive. Shoving, grabbing, squeezing… I became so hurt, lost and spiritually dead that I even tried to take my own life. I realized I had to leave.
I am in counselling and working on things to become a "real" person again, but am not working on my marriage. My husband wants marriage counselling but I am not willing to go there. I don’t want to go in and sit while he manipulates everything and makes it smooth when it’s not. I also honestly don’t know if I can even trust him enough to stay married. I get comments all the time about my marriage –that I have no ground too divorce. But here is my question…. at what point of abuse is it ok? There is no way God is ok with watching the victim suffer. I’m tired of being my husbands victim, and I don’t want to go back to it. He is working on things, some things… stopped therapy. He is going to church and has come off of being addicted to pain meds. But how do I know and trust that the change he is saying is happening, is real?
Just the other day he tried to control me again. I was laughing and having fun with people at church and later he approached me and tried to make me feel like talking to the people at church was bad. He manipulated the whole thing and again tried to take away people in my life. I called him out on it and he partially admitted it, cried and said he has a hard time being honest with me when he has a hard time being honest with himself. So then I think, he’s being real and wanting change but I don’t know. I still tried to say to him that he was still trying to control and manipulate me and sure enough, he turned it on me and said I’m the one thinking that it is going on, when it’s not. I need help with that.
I’m just so confused. I know in my heart that I’m not ready to work on my marriage. I just don’t feel that. I’m now being judged as I’m focusing on my FLESH and not my spirit. I know though, that without a doubt, that God is the one who gave me the strength and wisdom to get out of the house. I also would like to believe that God will give me that same strength and feeling as I had before, if it was time to work on the marriage. So am I wrong for not feeling that way?
I have lost love for my husband. I just can’t see myself going back to someone who has hurt me over and over and over. It’s like I would be going back to be a victim and I can’t do that. I do believe though that if the Lord wants my marriage he will renew my love for my husband. However again, in the past 8 months, I have gotten nothing but more hurt, confusion and a desire to just be free from him.
Any advice or words? I need some…
10 Zwack // May 16, 2008 at 4:01 pm
(USA) Hi, There seems to be a lot of help out there for people being abused but nothing for an abuser who truly wants to change. Why is there not a campaign in society to make it easy to get help if your the type that does this? Most men after the first or second time know they have a problem. Why not figure out why they do it and how to help them stop? I’ve lost my marriage to a great woman, only one to have ever loved me. And now I’m coming to the realization that it was my fault. Too late I know. Where does one go? Most of the venues will use law enforcement, which is exactly the opposite of what this type of man needs.
11 Heather // May 16, 2008 at 4:06 pm
(USA) BEG MORE
12 LT // May 16, 2008 at 7:11 pm
(USA) Hi Zwack, Thanks so much for writing. I’m glad you are looking for answers.
Firstly, I can’t remember if I posted on this page or not but my husband had the same problem as you and our church confronted him on it. I do have the Holy Spirit and although over the years I didn’t know exactly what to do, I always felt God didn’t want me to go to the police because it is "man’s authority" (as opposed to God’s). So, recently, our church stepped in. It isn’t easy either way, but at least this way we didn’t have an arrest happen, etc.
Law enforcement usually prescribes group classes, usually in anger management. They will make an initial arrest but usually (from what I’ve read) don’t give jail time for the first-time arrest, they assign someone to group classes/therapy-type sessions.
Oddly enough, this website (Marriage Missions) was sent to me by none other than my husband. That is how I came across all the articles here that spoke to me as the victim and needing spiritual/emotional healing. My husband did/does still have healing to do as I’m sure you do.
This following website is where I highly suggest you go. Marriage Missions has an article by Paul Hegstrom and the book that he wrote that I got a copy of, and both my husband and I read it (and it’s AWESOME) is called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. It changed both of us and woke us up, that what was happening in our marriage was not only WAY outside the boundaries of normal, healthy relationships, but also an abomination to God.
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/
You should read Paul’s story (the author of the book) and I also suggest you get the book, that he wrote, that I mentioned above. It will help you put a name to what your problems are, why you have them, and help you find a way out. They offer a program on-site, but if you are not in the area of their office, they also offer seminars in different locations as well as correspondence course materials. The reason I suggest them is because they do everything from a Christian angle (as opposed to a secular therapy program).
Also - here’s the article (it’s a link) on marriage missions you should check out :
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3781189&ct=4640129
Keep in mind, your anger and abuse are stemming from VERY deeply rooted emotional places in your heart. Most likely you experienced some kind of trauma and/or abuse during your childhood. There will need to be some resolved things in order for you to heal but God works miracles and He will get you through it. Bless you for writing and asking for guidance. I hope the links above help. My husband is still healing (we’re about a year and a half into it and we’re almost all the way there) but we’ll get there eventually. I just wanted to be realistic with you that it’s not a quick fix. Mostly likely you’ve been carrying it around for years but with the right guidance from God and others that He uses to help you, you will get healing.
God bless, LT
13 Colleen // May 24, 2008 at 3:49 pm
(USA) Thank you so much for this site. My husband and I are currently separated (he is not in the home) because of his past and present abuse to me and our kids. I want to file for divorce but my husband does not want a divorce. His abuse started when he started an affair. He breaks every promise to me to get help and denies any abuse or doesn’t remember abuse. You have described my husband in much of your article.
I know what I need to do - it is the hard decision to do it. My husband often twists scripture for sex (I have a right to take my wife) and the head of the home mentality for his abuse and when I try to correct him - well, let’s just say he never hears anything I have to say. He learned this from his father.
I finally had to tell him if he touches me again I will call the police. His abuse is mostly sexual and controlling, and emotional abuse. If we could save our marriage I would - but not without counseling, truth, trust, real change. But I can’t save it alone.
14 Nicole // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:49 pm
(USA) Before I begin, I must say wow. Wow to this website because all who have posted comments are real and are dealing with real live issues. I will pray for each and everyone of you.
I myself have been married for five years. My husband and I are both abusive to each other. He says something that I don’t like and then I follow it up with a low blow of words, and before you know it he has hit me.
We separated nine months into the first year of our marriage. I was two months pregnant with my first child and for him this would make child number three, due to a previous marriage. He totally left me alone while I was pregnant and I did not know my husband again until my son was six months old. During that time I felt that I did not do all that a wife should do, and desired deeply to be with him. God answered my prayers and we moved back to the state where he lived and the abuse, became much greater this time.
My husband is emotionally abusive, and at times physically. He has trouble with providing and taking care of our home. This has left me many days taking care of our children and the bills all by myself. I will spare you and myself of the details regarding the abuse, and adultery I have went through while being married. The thing that I keep beating myself up about, is that I am a child of God and was when we got married. How could this have happened to me? As a matter of fact my husband was preaching in the church and the community when I met him. A Holy man of God I thought. He is anointed and will go forth in Jesus, but where does this leave me?
I know that God has my back, but I am dealing with a great deal of hurt, confusion, and anger. I cry myself to sleep a night and wonder how did I become a single parent, when I waited to have children until I got married. Why do I look so much like the world? These are the things that I fight with.
He has since left my home, after another episode of unexplained anger and abuse. I now have two children, and everyday with my kids is getting better and better. They are two and four and full of life. I don’t want my family to end, but I don’t want a man who is not a provider and abusive to me. I am raising boys who will one day be men, and I pray that my children do not turn out to be abusive. I have to stop that cycle for my children’s sake.
15 LT // Jun 15, 2008 at 10:51 pm
(USA) To Mark and Nicole, Mark, regarding the dialogue above from February I wanted to give the following links that may be helpful regarding male victims of abuse. Please see the following article on this website as it may help you. I think it relates to some of your comments: http://www.marriagemissions.com/husband-bashing/
Also - I was looking through the Focus Ministries website and thought I found a section on statistics that included male victims of domestic abuse but can’t seem to find it right now. I’ll post back later when/if I find it.
For Nicole, I was touched by your story. I was out of town when you posted so I didn’t see it until today. I wanted to share with you what the Lord might have me say to you. I will post back when/if I get some things to say. In the mean time please look through the other resources on this site as well as the Focus ministries website - you will probably find that helpful.
http://www.focusministries1.org/ With love, LT
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