The following are quotes that center around the subject of abuse in Marriage. We pray you will find them helpful.
• All marriages are sacred, but not all are safe. (Rob Jackson)
• Most people think “abuse” is just physical attacks such as hitting, punching, kicking, pulling hair, twisting limbs, pinching, slapping, biting, etc. There are many other type of abusive behavior which hurt just as much or more than physical abuse. Just because an abuser stops hitting his spouse doesn’t mean he has stopped being abusive. (Brenda Branson, from article titled, “All Abuse Hurts” posted on TroubledWith.com)
• Just because you aren’t being physically punched, slapped, or kicked doesn’t mean you aren’t in an abusive marriage. Here are some questions to ask yourself which will help you determine whether or not you are in an abusive relationship: • Does my spouse ever try to physically stop me from leaving the room? • Does my spouse ever push me, grab me or my clothing, or hold me against my will? • Does Does my spouse ever tell me to kill myself? • Does my spouse ever threaten to hurt me for any reason? • Does my spouse ever point a weapon of any kind toward me, our children, or him or herself? • Does my spouse ever use language that suggests he or she will “solve” our marriage problems forever through death? • Am I afraid of my spouse?
These questions are not gender exclusive. If you answered yes to any of them, your marriage is fear based and you are in danger of being a victim of domestic violence. Put a plan together now to get the help you need. (Joe and Michelle Williams, from the book “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved”)
• Anger that’s used to control, manipulate, and hold another emotionally hostage is out of control and abusive. It typically starts with name-calling, emotional jabs at a person’s self-worth, painful teasing, public insults. It progresses from there. Eventually the abuser is yelling, grabbing, pushing, slapping, and becoming increasingly aggressive and violent. Remorse follows. So too does more abuse. Even just one of these tactics is abuse, and it won’t stop without serious intervention. If you or your children are being treated in this fashion, please seek help. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)
• Simply being an eyewitness to family violence has a great effect upon a youngster. “A child witnessing his mother being battered is equivalent to the child being battered,” notes therapist John Bradshaw. One youth named Ed hated seeing his father beat his mother. Nevertheless, although he may not have realized it, he was being conditioned to believe that men must control women and that in order to do so, men must scare, hurt, and demean them. When he became an adult, Ed used these abusive, violent tactics on his wife.
Some parents cautiously forbid their children to watch violence on television, and that is a good thing. But parents should be even more cautious when it comes to monitoring their own behavior as role models for their impressionable children. (Frankie Goh, from article, “What Causes Domestic Violence” posted on ezinearticles.com)
• Studies show that one third of children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems. Children may experience such problems as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, school problems (low achievement), drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence.
Boys who witness their father’s abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults. (From the booklet the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which was once available on the web site for Family Life Today)
• Though prevalent in our culture, verbal abuse often goes unrecognized because it leaves invisible scars. The abusers often come across as nice, even charming, people when they interact with the general public. But behind closed doors, they use cutting words to exert control over those closest to them. And they do it by sending a two-sided message: “I love you… but I don’t.”
The twisted expression of their “love” creates confusion and a sense of helplessness in their victims. This form of abuse includes humiliating, threatening, insulting, or intimidating one’s partner. It also is characterized by withdrawal of approval or affection. The abuser may try to control what his partner wears or who she spends time with. He may even isolate her from family and friends. This constant belittling can cut to the core of a person’s being. (Holly Hudson, from the article, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen” as posted on TroubledWith.com)
• A person can be so verbally abused that they don’t know what’s true anymore. This abuse is designed to put a person in a numb state so they are unable to make clear, concise decisions. The path of verbal abuse leads a person from what they know as truth into a confused state. This confused state arises because the abuser consistently interjects lies as truth until the abused no longer knows what to believe. For example, we can see this happen when the abuser uses truths from the Bible to justify a lie, or the abuser twists the Bible’s true intent to satisfy his own selfish motive.
The sad part comes when the abused embraces the lies from the abuser as truth, thereby disregarding the real truth. At this point the abused feels like they are in chains of bondage with no way out. A trusted godly person is like a life preserver to the abused at this point. For “the mouth of the righteous is a well of life” (Proverbs 10:11). (From an article titled, “Verbal Abuse in Marriage” as posted on the web site, DivorceHope.com)
• What makes verbal abuse particularly threatening is the fact that verbal abuse always precedes physical abuse. The progression to this level of attack may take years — or months. (Holly Hudson, from the article, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen” as posted on TroubledWith.com)
• All forms of abuse follow a pattern that, left unchecked, will only increase over time. Injuries from verbal and emotional abuse can run deep and leave lasting scars. Many emotionally and verbally abused people reason that, because there are no bruises or broken bones, their abuse must not be serious. But it is. …If pain motivates you to act against emotional and verbal abuse, then listen and act. You may be saving more than your life. (Beth J. Lueders, from article titled, “Emotional and Verbal Abuse” posted on TroubledWith.com)
• While the optimum situation is for both parties in an abusive situation to seek help, Dr. Tim Clinton, President of the American Association of Christian Counselors, insists one person can change the relationship. “Change a person; change a relationship,” he says. On the other hand, if the abuse is severe and occurring within the marriage relationship, it’s time to take bold steps and assert biblical, healthy boundaries. (Mary J. Yerkes, from the article “Healing the Wounds of Emotional Abuse” posted on family.org)
• “The anatomy of an abusive relationship is really very simple. There’s a cycle of violence that takes place.”The cycle has three stages: • Tension Building Stage • Acute Battering Stage • Honeymoon Stage. Dr. Phil McGraw says of the honeymoon stage, “This is where, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I will never do this again. I hate that this happened. I’ll make it up to you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,’ but then the cycle starts over again.”
Dr Phil notes that nearly half of abusers re-offend, most within the first six months. “And then you’ve got what’s called traumatic bonding, and it’s because there’s an imbalance of power, and there’s an intermittent reinforcement schedule. You never know whether you’re going to get hugged or hit. And so psychologically that’s a very strong tendency to stay involved in that relationship.” (Dr Phil McGraw, “The Cycle of Violence”)
• Sometimes separation can be a powerful attention-getting boundary if you’re fully ready to use it. The purpose of the separation can be to physically or emotionally protect you and your children or to convince your husband (or wife) that you’ll not continue to live the same way. Separation can also be by mutual agreement for each to work on your own problems separately with the goal of reconciling your marriage. (Karla Downing, from book “10 Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages”)
• Keep in mind that if you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone!
If you are staying in your home out of fear, or if your husband’s words or behavior becomes more and more threatening, you need to work out an immediate safety plan. With the help of friends and counselors, you will need to plan where to keep keys, clothes, medications, and important documents; what to do with your children’ where you will go if you have to leave suddenly, and much more. You may need to choose a safe, protected environment where you can be kept hidden from your husband. (From the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which is a down-loadable file available on the web site for Family Life Today, which you can click into HERE.)
• The hallmarks of an abuser — both verbal and physical — include jealousy, a need to control, efforts to isolate their partner or relative, attempts to rush a romantic relationship and disrespect for privacy and personal boundaries. Drug and alcohol abuse are often present in the situation. (Holly Hudson, from article titled, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen” posted on TroubledWith.com)
• Minna Schulman, director of a domestic violence and law enforcement agency, stated that violence is a tool that men use to maintain control and to demonstrate power and authority over a woman. She added: “We see domestic violence as a misuse of power and control.”
Some wife beaters suffer from low self-esteem, the same trait they induce in their victims. If they can do that, then their ego will have been fed, and they will feel a measure of superiority and control over another human. They feel that they prove their masculinity in this way. Yet, do they? Since they perpetrate their violence on physically weaker women, does it prove that they are truly men of strength, or does it prove, instead, that they are unreasonable? Is it really manly for a stronger male to beat up a weaker, more defenseless female? A man of strong moral character would show consideration and compassion for weaker and more defenseless ones, not take advantage of them.
Another demonstration of the unreasonable thinking of the abuser is the fact that he often blames his wife for provoking the beatings. He may imply, or even say to her, such things as: ‘You didn’t do this right. That’s why I’m beating you.’ Or: ‘Dinner was late, so you’re just getting what you deserve.’ In the abuser’s mind, it is her fault. However, no shortcoming of the other mate justifies battering. (Frankie Goh, from article, “What Causes Domestic Violence” posted on ezinearticles.com)
• Don’t blame yourself. Realize that the abuse is not your fault, no matter what your abuser says. Understand that abuse can happen to anyone, of any faith, age, economic status, race, or neighborhood. Know that you are not alone. Know that you are not stupid or worthless; to the contrary, God loves you deeply and values you highly.
Realize that God does not condone abuse of any kind. Believe that His will for you is to break free of the abuse you’re suffering. Recognize your need for help, and decide to pursue it. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• Instead of following Christ’s model of servant leadership in the home, an abusive man views it as his God-given right to have power and control over his wife, and rewrites the scripture to give himself the right to punish her whenever she falls short of his expectations. Jesus would remind us that He, as head of the church, is the role model for the husband. Has he ever been controlling and abusive toward the church? Or does He, as a servant leader, lovingly guide and nurture His church?
… Although churches should offer unconditional love, far too often families are only accepted by the congregation if they seem to fit in with the status quo. …Jesus offers unconditional love and acceptance, and does not value a person for how he looks or what he owns. He said, “You are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside, but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. You try to look like upright people outwardly, but inside your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matthew 23:27-28 NLT)
… Although some churches are guilty of perpetuating family violence, many other church communities and pastors are actively involved in stopping the cycle of abuse, providing safety for the victim and help for the abuser. Does your church offer hope or perpetuate the pain? (From the article, “Abuse and The Church’s Role” as posted on TroubledWith.com.)
• Church leaders need to realize batterers can be manipulative. I know a woman in my community who went to her pastor for help because she was afraid of her husband. The pastor called her husband and asked that he and the wife come in for counseling. The poor woman was absolutely terrified to sit in a joint counseling session with her husband and said nothing while the husband smoothed things over.
Shortly after this, the woman made a decision to leave her husband. One night when she thought he was away, she returned home to get some of her things. The husband was there hiding and beat the woman so severely that parts of her brain were exposed.
Leaders also need to work to dismiss misinterpretations of Scripture such as 1 Peter 3:1-6, which abusers often use to defend their actions. It’s unbelievable how many Christian men think they’re entitled by God to discipline and control their wives. As 1 Peter 3:7 reminds us, no man has a God-given right to punish or retaliate against his wife under any condition. And a woman shouldn’t be led to think that through her submission and suffering she’ll become a better person. To allow someone to abuse you does not bring glory to God. (Corrie Cutrer, from article titled, “The Silent Epidemic” posted on Today’s Christian Woman —You can read entire article by clicking HERE)
• Marriage is for committed lovers, not hostages. Marriage is a sacred relationship created for two people who complete each other spiritually. While it requires sacrificial service, it is not a call to martyrdom. In many cases of domestic violence, a therapeutic separation is necessary to gain safety and direct attention to the gravity of the need for change. (Rob Jackson, from chapter “What If My Spouse Abuses Me?” from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Break your silence. Reflect on how much pain you’ve suffered, and remember your abuser’s broken promises. Consider the fear you feel and how your children are being affected. Gather your courage to take action. Realize that God offers you real hope for a life free of abuse. Take stock of trustworthy people with whom you may safely share your story. Start by telling one person as soon as you can. Then reach out to others so you’re not relying just one person to meet all your needs.
Don’t let the person abusing you know who you have told so he or she won’t try to harm the people who are trying to help you. Understand that it’s critical for you to break your silence, however. Know that many people are willing and able to help you if you let them know what’s going on. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• Abuse is always wrong. Some try to excuse it. Most perpetrators have a sense of entitlement, thinking their actions are justified. Ironically, their victims may also believe they deserve to be mistreated. Some will even defend their abuser, citing his or her earnest apologies afterward. But abuse in any form, for any reason, wounds both spouses. It’s always sinful, and few things destroy trust in a marriage as quickly. Regardless of childhood pain or marital conflict, mature spouses learn to set limits so anger doesn’t become abuse by frequency, degree, or duration. (Rob Jackson, from chapter, “What If My Spouse Abuses Me?” from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Most people assume that men are almost always more violent, and men are sometimes seen as the only ones who need help with anger and the sources of anger. In reality, both genders need help. Spousal abuse from the wife to husband is currently an underreported problem in homes of passive men. Domestic-violence research overwhelmingly shows that women are as likely as men to initiate and engage in domestic violence, and that much of female domestic violence is not committed in self-defense. Studies show that women often compensate for smaller size by greater use of weapons and the element of surprise. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book Married But Not Engaged, pg. 145)
• No one, under any circumstance, deserves to feel disregarded, insulted, controlled, coerced, intimidated, hurt, hit, pushed, grabbed, or touched in any undesired way. Nothing that anyone in a family says or does justifies abuse. One act of abuse never justifies another. Everyone has the right and the responsibility to heal suffering. Whenever we hurt a loved one we bleed a little inside. That internal injury, unhealed, becomes the source of still more anger, aggression, diminished sense of self, and enduring misery. (Dr Steven Stosny, www.CompassionPower.com)
• Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they’ve had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment. The sole purpose of your husband’s anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: • Protector • Provider • Lover • Parent. In truth, most men feel inadequate about relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all relationships require: support and compassion. (Steven Stosny, from article, “You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse”, www.CompassionPower.com)
• What All Forms of Abuse Have in Common: Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease. It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn’t care or try to understand. It feels like he’s not the person you married.
Unlike love, which masks the differences between people, compassion makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities of other people. It lets us appreciate our differences. Love without the sensitivity of compassion is: • Rejecting (who you really are as a person) • Possessive • Controlling • Dangerous. (Steven Stosny, from article, “Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse”, www.CompassionPower.com)
• In abusive relationships, violence usually occurs in cycles. The cycle of violence begins with increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. Then the cycle progresses to a violent stage where the abuser begins to afflict physical violence such as hitting, kicking, slapping, etc. After the storm of violence blows over, he may experience remorse and swear he will never resort to such behavior again. This is called the calm stage or honeymoon stage.
There are several tactics a man might use to sweet talk his way back into his victim’s life — or to convince her to return to the home if she has left. These include showering her with love and gifts; telling her he will be a great dad; starting to attend church services; halting his drinking; and starting to receive outside counseling. Often the cycle begins again, however, and continues under his control until the battered woman learns to break free. (From the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which is a down-loadable file available on the web site for Family Life Today, which you can click into HERE.)
• How to Know If Your Husband Has Truly Changed: If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no doubt experienced “honeymoon” periods in the past when, driven by remorse, he seemed to change and everything was fine. The following will help you know that your partner is in the process of permanent change. You will feel that he consistently (every day): • Values and appreciates you—you are important to him; • Listens to you; • Shows compassion—cares how you feel, even when you disagree with him; • Respects you as an equal and doesn’t try to control you or dismiss your opinions; • Shows affection without always expecting sex; • Regulates his guilt, shame, anxiety, resentment or anger, without blaming them on you. (Dr Steven Stosny, www.CompassionPower.com)
• Seek wisdom when deciding whether or not to reconcile with the one who abused you. Make sure that your abuser has demonstrated strong accountability and thorough change before you consider restoring your relationship with him or her. Understand that, if you are to reconcile, you should feel stronger, safe to voice your own opinions, and able to live without fear or the threat of violence. You need to be valued for who you are and have your skills and talents appreciated and respected. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom about whether to reconcile, and if so, when. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• If you have been abused and are hurt deeply inside, there is hope, healing, and full restoration. If you will yield your heart to the Holy Spirit sent from God to be our helper, He will lead you through every traumatic situation that you have been through into wholeness. The process is painful. However, on the other side of each “door of pain” is a place of joy, peace and rest.
The Holy Spirit works through the Word of God (the Bible). Which means, you must diligently give yourself to study of the Bible daily, surround yourself with godly people, turn your ears and eyes away from the secular media including TV, radio, movies, books and the like, and turn all of your heart over to Jesus, He will tenderly minister life to you instead of death. Share the pain of your heart with Him while searching the Scriptures for the answers. As you’re doing that, turn your eyes and ears to godly Christian books, tapes, videos, TV, radio stations and music that God can use to administer healing to your heart. (From an article titled, Abuse in Marriage, as posted on DivorceHope.com)
• Use the many resources that can help you. Spiritually, bring all your painful feelings and hard questions to God in prayer. Invite Him to minister to you through His Spirit and His Word — especially passages such as the Psalms in which biblical characters pour out their own pain and doubts to Him and find deliverance. (From article “Heal from Abuse” posted on Crosswalk.com. You can read the article in its entirety by clicking HERE.)
• Your life is not futile because God has not forgotten you. Although it may seem you are on an endless treadmill of despair and tragic circumstances, God is working behind the scenes, in spite of your pain, to bring you out of bondage and “give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11) (From article, “Because He Loves You” posted on web site for FOCUS MINISTRIES www.focusministries1.org)
• To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:1-5)
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I have been in a verbally abusive 2nd marriage for 8 years. My husband denies that he “fits” into this category when I talk to him about it and tell him how his behavior and words make me feel. His response is that I make him do this because I don’t listen to him???!!! I would like to show him this article, as everything that is written, is my life with him. Your article articulates it so well, more than I could, as I am now in the “confused” state you mention. He reminds me that he is head of the house. Could you please give me some tips on how to approach him with this article? Rose
Rose, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this in your marriage. It’s very typical that one who abuses, to accuse the victim of being the one responsible. They don’t look within to see that no one can MAKE them stoop to this type of verbal assault. It lowers their dignity as a human being — no matter what the other person says or does, if they assault them verbally or physically. It’s a matter of impulse control. They give into the impulse to react in a degrading way when they feel out of control in some way and they lack the determination to change their behavior. It’s easier to give in to their impulses and then blame the other person. Until they come to the realization that this is wrong, the main thing you can do is try to protect yourself and do what you can not to add fuel to the fire. You can also read what you can on this type of behavior so you can learn what you can do to empower yourself not to continue on be victimized. Unfortunately, your husband may not want to read up on this subject until he is ready to acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong and is willing to reach out for help.You don’t say what part of the world you are located but I pray that you start with our web site to learn what you can and look for other resources that we mention and those around you as a launching point to study what you can to help yourself in this horrible situation. My heart and prayers are with you.
I am also in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage I left and we were separated after 1 year of marriage the separation lasted about 1 1/2 years- I was such a basket case I hyper ventilated at him even ringing my telephone and I had terrible anxiety even seeing him…I left my long term professional career with my company for stress/depression and he supported me and was caring and loving, at that time he was sympathetic, understanding, took me to the doctor, talked with me trying to make me feel better, slowly he manipulated his way back into my life, telling me how he learned what had happened, he knew exactly what things had gone wrong, and treated me beautifully. ……then he “slipped” and I got pregnant.
Things had been going so well and I was 37, always desperately wanted children, it was a blessing and a sign from God we should be together. I moved back and immediately things began to change he was reverting back to his old ways- even worse in because now I repulsed him with my pregnant body…previously he wouldn’t leave me alone and was always grabbing at me and groping me constantly and I would always tell him he was hurting me…at the time I didn’t even realize I was so wounded inside that no wonder I didn’t feel attracted to this very gorgeous man.
So now I am pregnant and had left my job of 16 years and had sold my house. I tried to talk to him and get him to acknowledge that we had to address things now and not wait until we were back to where we were when I left and he just kept making excuses, he abandoned me emotionally, physically, while I was pregnant, used porn on the web, kept me hostage in the car screaming at me when he was angry, left me home alone for 3 hours when I was in Labor, it goes on and on.
Now we are in counselling with a great Christian/psy D and he had me read “Boundaries”……it has given me tremendous insight as to what I have done to contribute to the perpetuation of the abusive treatment I receive from my husband….we have a long road ahead but perhaps we can make it? PLEASE read this book it is truly an eye opener and has taught me about practical applications of scripture- something I never learned having been raised Catholic.
Steve and Cindy often refer to Quotes from Dr.Phil- he says that you “teach people how to treat you” and I guess what he is really saying is that when we don’t set boundaries we might as well be saying that we are a doormat. Anyway, I have a tough road ahead but I know that even on the days when I feel so much pain inside that I think I wish I could just crawl into a hole and die, I see my son and believe that it must be God’s plan for me to have this experience, I have been given such a gift- the most precious, affectionate and smart little boy who is such a joy…I know I need to have faith in God’s plan for my life and my marriage I can tell you to buy this book- it will help you.
(NIGERIA) Hi, I have some issues with the write up. No doubt well articulated but it pre-supposes marital abuse is hubby against wife and couldn’t possibly be the other way. I know many a man driven to alcohol, late nights in the office because the amount of bile they get from their wives has just made them feel worthless!
My point is the article lacks balance and certainly does not depict reality! The world out there isn’t conducive for the man as he can’t seem to do much right- that’s all you hear from women in the world and yet when he seeks comfort with Christians, he gets a ‘harsher’ judgment from those whom he thought knew better. If we do not take care, the body of Christ will be responsible for ‘killing’ our brethren.
Hi Mark, You are so very right about this. The other problem is that we haven’t found articles written to make more people aware of this situation. We’ve searched and searched. We realize that many men are guarded and ashamed of the opinions of others if they complain about this, but somehow, someone has to be brave enough to say something in public so others can know about this growing problem. If we had a number of men write us with their testimony — even if they wanted to remain anonymous, we’d gladly put an article together. But there seems to be a silent number of men just trying to cope who haven’t found their “voice” over this matter.
Abuse is abuse — and it isn’t justified if it comes from a woman or it comes from a man. So often the abuser will say, “Well, I wouldn’t do what I do if they didn’t do what they do.” Somehow they think that makes their abusive behavior justifiable. But that’s plain wrong no matter who says it. No one MAKES you abuse another person. It’s a de-humanizing choice a person can make, to lower themselves into. There’s something called integrity — not going with your “gut feeling” or “instincts” but instead rising above the situation and saying “I will not (inflict physical or verbal abuse)even though I feel inclined to or I want to… No one can MAKE me hurt another, no matter how hurt I feel.” Someone has to be the hero here and stop the cycle of wrong.
Thanks for pointing this out. We’ve wanted someone to say something for a long time and your note is a good start.
(USA) Hi Mark and Steve, As a person with abuse in my own marriage, I want to write my thoughts on what you two have mentioned. They are a few different thoughts (for what they are worth) and may seem random but they are what came to my mind.
First, a bit about me: I had to have my Christian family confront my husband on physical abuse. We were separated for a time and are now living together again, with no hitting, but still a lot of anger. I went through a lot of confusion, bitterness and resentment on my part (but God helped me work through that) and my husband, deep down, still resents me for having him confronted. He knew he had a problem but he was determined that he was working on it, but the thing is – whatever he was doing wasn’t effective enough because the physical stuff was still happening until the intervention happened.
Regarding not much info about abusive women: this is true, there is not much but there is some. I bought a book (a Christian reference book) written about healing from abuse and there was one chapter on the male victim of abuse. On some websites of domestic violence, there is also usually a link somewhere for the male victim.
Mark – it sounds like you are referring more to women who are verbally abusive – belittling their husbands and making them feel useless. In that case – please read the comment above by H – talking about boundaries. There is also an article on this website about boundaries – you should look at that as well, if you are facing demeaning treatment. The boundaries are what we do when we respect ourselves enough not to let others treat us in a bad way – it’s a set of rules we set for ourselves. God loves us so we should love ourselves enough, too, to decide what to do when someone treats us badly.
My current situation is one where God has strengthened me (gave me a sound mind, like the scriptures say, not a mind of fear) and the physical abuse is no longer present but the mindset is still not healthy here in my house. God pointed me to that article – I prayed and set boundaries for my personal situation and I stick to them, regardless, and feel Christ with me when I do that even though the other person may not like it. You should definitely take a look at that article.
But I also know that part of setting boundaries and dealing with treatment from others that isn’t pleasing, requires strength from God. God does use other’s flaws to strengthen our own character and test us. If you (or a friend) have a wife that treats them badly (assuming it is just verbal, not physical) – staying at the office late is avoiding the problem and will not contribute to the problem being fixed. To fix it and instill change, we have to actively take a role in the resolution process. That’s what I’ve been shown. And it was NOT easy for me, having been oppressed so long and being a mousy person because of it. Recognize the problem and work toward fixing it (even if only one person is doing the working). God does use other people to refine us. It’s the job of the abuse victim to rise above it and show an example in how they respond. That can’t be done if someone is running from the problem or avoiding it.
One other thought – if you look at websites concerning abuse, I can tell you I’ve never met one person that doesn’t fit into the category of "abuser" in at least some way or other. We’re all imperfect. These sites have questions to ask yourself whether you are abused or abusing. MOST people I know, including myself, can answer yes to at least one question of whether they are abusing (or have in the past). The big difference is, whether that’s someone’s demeanor MOST or ALL of the time. The person who answers yes and is that way most of the time (ie, they tend to live in that state and that’s the core of who they are) are the ones who need to be confronted. But it is eye opening to read the questions.
There are a lot of people out there that are abusive in isolated incidents, and may not realize it. That helps keep things in perspective and helps us point the finger back at ourselves instead of always pointing out the speck in someone else’s eye.
Anyway – these were the thoughts I was struck with. I do feel this site would be benefited if more men wrote up. I love women and reading what they write, but it’s helpful for more men’s perspectives to be shown.
If I find some links to sites that talk about male victims of abuse I will post them in the future.
(NIGERIA) Just to a a little more to what I seem to have started here regarding abuse of husbands in marriages. There’s no doubt that this is mostly in verbal/soul-deprecating form. I would go on to say that the very thing that men are not commended for – most men aren’t vocal about this for one simple reason. They feel the need to be protective – they follow Christ’s example! Most are told to give their lives for their wives even as Christ did for the church.
I also stated that if care is not taken, the body of Christ will be responsible for ‘killing’ our brethren (literally). Firstly, there’s a need for a change in mindset. Unfortunately, a good proportion of our sisters deem it ‘natural’ to just bash men! I hear this from females in the work place who are non-Christians are well as from Christians alike.
The focus is always on what ‘he’ does wrong (be observant about this from now on). This theme has been in existence for such a long time it’s become law/norm to sisters in general. Asking men to be more vocal, especially on issues like these no doubt has it’s pros & cons – it definitely will bring balance to this debate but does that not diminish/tarnish a key aspect of what being a hubby is supposed to be – a shield/protector?
I read a while back that in medieval France, a man who had been abused by his wife was forced to wear a dress and ride a donkey sitting the other way! This apparently was to depict his weakness. I would have thought that being able to show restraint would made him anything but weak? Could this possibly be another reason for the silence of a man? I’m still young and this may well be a naive statement or question. God bless
(PHILLIPPINES) Marriage is proper goal of love that any kind of love will bring remorse?
(USA) I’ve been separated now for 8 months. My husband of about 10 years has been verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. Up until I was pregnant he was slightly physically abusive. Shoving, grabbing, squeezing… I became so hurt, lost and spiritually dead that I even tried to take my own life. I realized I had to leave.
I am in counselling and working on things to become a "real" person again, but am not working on my marriage. My husband wants marriage counselling but I am not willing to go there. I don’t want to go in and sit while he manipulates everything and makes it smooth when it’s not. I also honestly don’t know if I can even trust him enough to stay married. I get comments all the time about my marriage –that I have no ground too divorce. But here is my question…. at what point of abuse is it ok? There is no way God is ok with watching the victim suffer. I’m tired of being my husbands victim, and I don’t want to go back to it. He is working on things, some things… stopped therapy. He is going to church and has come off of being addicted to pain meds. But how do I know and trust that the change he is saying is happening, is real?
Just the other day he tried to control me again. I was laughing and having fun with people at church and later he approached me and tried to make me feel like talking to the people at church was bad. He manipulated the whole thing and again tried to take away people in my life. I called him out on it and he partially admitted it, cried and said he has a hard time being honest with me when he has a hard time being honest with himself. So then I think, he’s being real and wanting change but I don’t know. I still tried to say to him that he was still trying to control and manipulate me and sure enough, he turned it on me and said I’m the one thinking that it is going on, when it’s not. I need help with that.
I’m just so confused. I know in my heart that I’m not ready to work on my marriage. I just don’t feel that. I’m now being judged as I’m focusing on my FLESH and not my spirit. I know though, that without a doubt, that God is the one who gave me the strength and wisdom to get out of the house. I also would like to believe that God will give me that same strength and feeling as I had before, if it was time to work on the marriage. So am I wrong for not feeling that way?
I have lost love for my husband. I just can’t see myself going back to someone who has hurt me over and over and over. It’s like I would be going back to be a victim and I can’t do that. I do believe though that if the Lord wants my marriage he will renew my love for my husband. However again, in the past 8 months, I have gotten nothing but more hurt, confusion and a desire to just be free from him.
Any advice or words? I need some…
(USA) Hi, There seems to be a lot of help out there for people being abused but nothing for an abuser who truly wants to change. Why is there not a campaign in society to make it easy to get help if your the type that does this? Most men after the first or second time know they have a problem. Why not figure out why they do it and how to help them stop? I’ve lost my marriage to a great woman, only one to have ever loved me. And now I’m coming to the realization that it was my fault. Too late I know. Where does one go? Most of the venues will use law enforcement, which is exactly the opposite of what this type of man needs.
(USA) BEG MORE
(USA) Hi Zwack, Thanks so much for writing. I’m glad you are looking for answers.
Firstly, I can’t remember if I posted on this page or not but my husband had the same problem as you and our church confronted him on it. I do have the Holy Spirit and although over the years I didn’t know exactly what to do, I always felt God didn’t want me to go to the police because it is "man’s authority" (as opposed to God’s). So, recently, our church stepped in. It isn’t easy either way, but at least this way we didn’t have an arrest happen, etc.
Law enforcement usually prescribes group classes, usually in anger management. They will make an initial arrest but usually (from what I’ve read) don’t give jail time for the first-time arrest, they assign someone to group classes/therapy-type sessions.
Oddly enough, this website (Marriage Missions) was sent to me by none other than my husband. That is how I came across all the articles here that spoke to me as the victim and needing spiritual/emotional healing. My husband did/does still have healing to do as I’m sure you do.
This following website is where I highly suggest you go. Marriage Missions has an article by Paul Hegstrom and the book that he wrote that I got a copy of, and both my husband and I read it (and it’s AWESOME) is called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. It changed both of us and woke us up, that what was happening in our marriage was not only WAY outside the boundaries of normal, healthy relationships, but also an abomination to God.
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/
You should read Paul’s story (the author of the book) and I also suggest you get the book, that he wrote, that I mentioned above. It will help you put a name to what your problems are, why you have them, and help you find a way out. They offer a program on-site, but if you are not in the area of their office, they also offer seminars in different locations as well as correspondence course materials. The reason I suggest them is because they do everything from a Christian angle (as opposed to a secular therapy program).
Also – here’s the article (it’s a link) on marriage missions you should check out :
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3781189&ct=4640129
Keep in mind, your anger and abuse are stemming from VERY deeply rooted emotional places in your heart. Most likely you experienced some kind of trauma and/or abuse during your childhood. There will need to be some resolved things in order for you to heal but God works miracles and He will get you through it. Bless you for writing and asking for guidance. I hope the links above help. My husband is still healing (we’re about a year and a half into it and we’re almost all the way there) but we’ll get there eventually. I just wanted to be realistic with you that it’s not a quick fix. Mostly likely you’ve been carrying it around for years but with the right guidance from God and others that He uses to help you, you will get healing.
God bless, LT
(USA) Thank you so much for this site. My husband and I are currently separated (he is not in the home) because of his past and present abuse to me and our kids. I want to file for divorce but my husband does not want a divorce. His abuse started when he started an affair. He breaks every promise to me to get help and denies any abuse or doesn’t remember abuse. You have described my husband in much of your article.
I know what I need to do – it is the hard decision to do it. My husband often twists scripture for sex (I have a right to take my wife) and the head of the home mentality for his abuse and when I try to correct him – well, let’s just say he never hears anything I have to say. He learned this from his father.
I finally had to tell him if he touches me again I will call the police. His abuse is mostly sexual and controlling, and emotional abuse. If we could save our marriage I would – but not without counseling, truth, trust, real change. But I can’t save it alone.
(USA) Before I begin, I must say wow. Wow to this website because all who have posted comments are real and are dealing with real live issues. I will pray for each and everyone of you.
I myself have been married for five years. My husband and I are both abusive to each other. He says something that I don’t like and then I follow it up with a low blow of words, and before you know it he has hit me.
We separated nine months into the first year of our marriage. I was two months pregnant with my first child and for him this would make child number three, due to a previous marriage. He totally left me alone while I was pregnant and I did not know my husband again until my son was six months old. During that time I felt that I did not do all that a wife should do, and desired deeply to be with him. God answered my prayers and we moved back to the state where he lived and the abuse, became much greater this time.
My husband is emotionally abusive, and at times physically. He has trouble with providing and taking care of our home. This has left me many days taking care of our children and the bills all by myself. I will spare you and myself of the details regarding the abuse, and adultery I have went through while being married. The thing that I keep beating myself up about, is that I am a child of God and was when we got married. How could this have happened to me? As a matter of fact my husband was preaching in the church and the community when I met him. A Holy man of God I thought. He is anointed and will go forth in Jesus, but where does this leave me?
I know that God has my back, but I am dealing with a great deal of hurt, confusion, and anger. I cry myself to sleep a night and wonder how did I become a single parent, when I waited to have children until I got married. Why do I look so much like the world? These are the things that I fight with.
He has since left my home, after another episode of unexplained anger and abuse. I now have two children, and everyday with my kids is getting better and better. They are two and four and full of life. I don’t want my family to end, but I don’t want a man who is not a provider and abusive to me. I am raising boys who will one day be men, and I pray that my children do not turn out to be abusive. I have to stop that cycle for my children’s sake.
(USA) To Mark and Nicole, Mark, regarding the dialogue above from February I wanted to give the following links that may be helpful regarding male victims of abuse. Please see the following article on this website as it may help you. I think it relates to some of your comments: http://www.marriagemissions.com/husband-bashing/
Also – I was looking through the Focus Ministries website and thought I found a section on statistics that included male victims of domestic abuse but can’t seem to find it right now. I’ll post back later when/if I find it.
For Nicole, I was touched by your story. I was out of town when you posted so I didn’t see it until today. I wanted to share with you what the Lord might have me say to you. I will post back when/if I get some things to say. In the mean time please look through the other resources on this site as well as the Focus ministries website – you will probably find that helpful.
http://www.focusministries1.org/ With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Let me start by saying, I love God most, and God has given me the strength to stand up to my husband who has a dirty mind and mouth. I met my husband three years ago, and when we met I knew he was the one. We have been married a year now.
After going out for a few months, he was loving, caring, and I thought understanding. I told him from day one how much I loved the Lord. He would drink, phone me so often to see where I was. He would start an argument for nothing, swear me, call me all the names under the sun, and the next day give me flowers and a card. All would go back to normal until the next week, and so it went on.
I then married him and thought things would change, but they only got worse. I read the Bible. I believe the Bible has been my sword. He says things like I am hiding behind the Bible, and that I am the devil, I am guilty and I mess around all day. When I answer him back with a scripture, he would say, man wrote the Bible, and he does not believe it.
Ladies stand up for God and for what is right. I am a very happy women within, and a women of strength. Thank you Jesus.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi. What happens then, if a person got married before they were born again? The wife starts growing strong in the Lord while the spouse is getting worse in their unbelieving behavior. I have a friend who has been emotionally and verbally abused by an unbelieving husband. They are separated at the moment. Apparently the husband has been involved with other women and he is not even thinking of going back. The financial struggle is now getting out of hand since she has to pay all the debts with her own salary which is not sufficient to pay everything. In this case, do you advise the person to divorce or what then ??????
(USA) Hi Mandisa, We could never be the ones to recommend divorce. It’s not our place to do so. We know of many marriages that have been resurrected to new life when they once appeared to be dead. So who are we to interfere with the work God may want to do by giving the advice to give up?
But what we do recommend is that your friend pray, and pray, and pray some more. She should pray with an open heart and mind that God will speak personally to her heart and to her circumstance — especially considering the fact that her husband is caught up in adultery. I would also recommend that she read the scriptures we have posted on divorce in the “Separation and Divorce” section. I’m confident that God will speak to her from His word.
The scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7 (particularly starting with verse 12) talks about a marriage where a believer is married to an unbeliever who wants to leave. Other scriptures also talk about the spouse who is married to someone caught in adultery. God allows divorce in such circumstances. But I want to caution your friend not to quickly rush to the divorce court because of these scriptures. She needs to look at the context of them within the whole Bible.
Yes, God PERMITS divorce in those circumstances, but that doesn’t make it a done deal where she MUST divorce. God says in the Bible that He hates divorce. And just because something is permissible, that doesn’t mean that this is the best thing to do (see: 1 Corinthians 6:12).
So, your friend needs to pray, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to her what God has on HIS heart for her to do. Is He releasing her, or does He want her to tough it out and be a part of His doing a resurrection work through her in her husband’s life? God knows whether her husband will eventually be open to this or not, so she needs to ask and seek God’s heart over the matter. I pray this helps. I pray your friend will clearly know what she must do and then do it reverently and seriously.
(USA) Thank you so much for your articles and for a place to be real with others who have experienced the devastating pain a verbal and emotional abuse. Sometimes I just feel I am all alone and I feel so hopeless. My husband is the sweetest, most helpful, caring man I know. But then seemingly out of nowhere….BAM! He goes off. For years I thought it was my fault and I "walked on eggshells" trying to avoid the excruciating pain of his abuse. I am getting stronger through the Lord’s guidance into the REAL truth. I do fall back into the "victim" mode periodically. Your site and all you make available helps me more than I can tell you. Thank you!!
(USA) This site is a blessing. I recently separated from my husband after 15 years of occasional physical and constant verbal and emotional abuse. The children deserve better. I don’t want them to believe that it is OK to treat others the way their father has treated me. I also don’t want my girls to feel it’s OK to be treated abusively because they saw their mother tolerate it for so long. I can’t imagine my sons growing up to treat another person’s daughter abusively either.
Our new home, without my abusive husband, has become my ‘healing place.’ It will also be a healing place for my children. I will attend counseling with my husband, but he has to initiate it. I know God can heal the marriage and the family. I have faith in God’s ability to bring us all back together in a manner that will help both us and other families experiencing the same abusive matters.
I felt it was necessary to let my husband know that his abuse will not be tolerated by our kids or me. I do have moments when I feel down in my spirit. But that’s when I begin to praise God–out loud if necessary. My praise to God lifts my heavy heart. Stay encouraged. Love God. Listen for God’s voice in your life and situation. God loves you when you feel no one else does. He will never abuse you or let you down.
(USA) I need help in this matter. Most of the questions on top I answer yes, I am being the abuser of my wife in both ways, physically and verbally.
Also she had a few affairs that hurt me. We’ve both done a lot of damage but now that I am willing to change and forgive her she only wants the divorce. We have three kids 17, 16, and 6, a girl. I love her and my kids. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for us and any help will be a blessing. Thank you.
(USA) THERE IS NO FORTY WORD QUOTE ON THIS PAGE! I NEED ONE FOR MY RESEARCH PAPER.
(USA) Hi “Your Mom.” Yep! You’re right… there isn’t a 40 word quote on this page. All you can do is use a portion of a longer quote. Not too many people talk in 40 word quotes. Even this quote would be 43 words.
(USA) Hi! Where do I begin? I have been married for almost 8 years, blended family situation. I love God and want to follow HIS Word in my marriage and in life in general. My husband and I had been going to a church that has not known how to deal with "our problems" of verbal, emotional and financial abuse. My husband had a horrible childhood where he never knew what love, care, respect, or family meant. He believes (or wants to believe) that all of this torture and devastation he experienced when growing up is a thing of the past, and that it has not affected him that much. I see it differently.
All the abusive behavior started before we even got married, but I always excused him, found the loving part of him, allowed him to convince me with his charm. Needless to say, I was also an enabler, by "learning" how to manage his "ups and downs". I am in that confusing stage where I am even wondering how I can LOVE him so much after all the pain we have experienced together?
I left my home 2 weeks ago, went to a shelter the first night, just because I didn’t want to "bother" any of my friends, and mainly because I wanted to be alone. Now I know it was God who sent me to this sobering place where I learned a lot more about the subtle type of abuse I have been in for years! After that first night, I checked myself into a hotel, and then stayed with a friend for a few nights before traveling to Southern California where my daughters live. I am jumping from place to place and I want something I can call my own.
My Christian counselor suggested a legal separation due to the volatility of my husband’s behavior. One day he loves me and provides financially, another day he fears my decisions and takes all the money away. I put all legal proceedings on hold, when my husband showed some vulnerability, but I know it is not a permanent change.
I am confused about what to do next. Do I file for legal separation? Do I make a "contract" with my husband so he can provide? I forgot to mention that I worked along with him for the last 6 years in our home business, never got a paycheck, but had everything at my fingertips (until the cycle started again). Do I stay in So. California where I have most of my support, or do I go back to the Northwest where my husband is? I also have a daughter and a grandson up north. Is there someplace I can go to talk in person with somebody that may be able to give me some Godly suggestions? I love my husband and I do not want a divorce. I want a change for our lives. Thank you for the opportunity to express my scattered thoughts!
(USA) Hi Maria, I’m so sorry for the painful time you have been experiencing in your marriage. This has got to be a painful time for you. It sounds like you have a lot of decisions to work through, and I pray that it can somehow lead to reconciliation someday. But for now, the best advice I can give you is to recommend that you call or email the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff that will start the process of helping you figure out what you should do at this point. They will then give you a lead on counselors you can talk to that can give you continuing help, if you need it. We’ve referred many people to them and have heard good reports. They don’t do long-term, involved counseling, but they are a great starting place.
You can find their information by going into the “Marriage Counseling” section of this web site and going into the part that contains “Links and Recommended Resources.” There you will find a list of web sites. Just scroll down to “Focus on the Family Counselor Referrals” and you can find their phone number, hours that they are available and a link to their “Referral Request Form” if you would prefer to e-mail them instead.
Given the nature of what you discussed in your comment, I believe they would be the best ministry to recommend to you for your particular problem. I pray you are able to find the help you need. God bless.
(ZIMBABWE) I’ve recently separated from my husband who abused me in the fact that he committed so much adultery over our 26 year marriage and couldn’t provide for us financially in the home, and just was never there (he’s an alcoholic always out drinking with the friends). I refuse to even entertain the thought of going back to him and the life I lead as I don’t believe that’s what God has in store for me. My children don’t agree with my choice and my relationship with them is now somewhat strained. However, this has not deterred my level of thinking.
I want to live a life free of abuse and I pray every day. I’m not giving up and I’m not going back to that life. I’ll probably divorce him but right now I’m focusing on my life with my Lord and how I can draw strength from that. I do not wish to be reconciled to my husband at all, I just grew tired of everything.
(USA) Well, reading this article really hits my heart… I am just now coming to terms that I am a victim of abuse me and my children. I have been married over 15 yrs and it started when we were dating. I didn’t realize it then and I was a straight A student at college. WOW was I stupid.
It started with who to talk to and escalated to "you are my wife. I will do with you as I please…" The hardest thing I think I have gone through is doubt. I have been brought up knowing the Lord all my life and my husband turns it all around to me. He will ask me when he is yelling hurting and etc… "where’s your precious God at?" And he will tell me, "See even God doesn’t want you."
And honestly in my heart I know better. The Lord is with me always. BUT in my head, I begin to wonder… I feel so isolated and alone and it’s harder because he knows I pray for him every night and he uses that also. It seems with every cry of a prayer I utter unto the Lord, the next day or event is even more traumatic, and my husband will say "Yea keep on praying; it will just make it easier the next time."
It’s really hard when you have no where to go. They say agencies are there to help, but not always. I went to one with hand marks around my neck and officer said "Unless you’re in the hospital I’m sorry, I can’t help." I guess that’s what happens in a little town. There’s no hope.
I look upon the Lord everyday for strength just to open my eyes, and most days are harder than others. You get so scared to sleep wondering what will happen. Then days later you’re so exhausted you can’t keep your eyes open.Through all of this I have been so ill I have endured two surgeries in past year and half and need another one.
I know my doctor isn’t stupid. I think he knows but he cant do anything either. I think church members have their thoughts but when things are really bad I’m not there. I am at a state that I’m so emotional that I can’t look at someone I care about without crying. And then I go through times that I am so angry I can’t see straight. My children see and hear things and they act out. They don’t know what to do. They are kids. I’m supposed to protect them, not have them trying to protect me.
I truly hope and pray if anyone male or female reads this and you are in a relationship with any of these things going on, you will try to leave. Try your hardest. Don’t let it go on and on. I was too dumb to do that and now I’m even caught in it more. I have asked for help and now I go day by day, hour by hour. I try to remember when it’s time to lay down and sleep. OK… today is almost over there’s always hope for tomorrow. Thank you anyone who reads this and may God Bless you.
(UK) I am writing this because I’m fed up and at the end of a long rope. I have been married for 11 years with 3 wonderful children. My husband unfortunately is a hard taskmaster – I am nagged within an inch of my life about everything.
Over the years, I have been physically abused occasionally and verbally abused constantly – withholding affection, insults, long silent treatments, shouting I could go on all because I have broken some unsaid rule of not met an expectation.
I am treated like a child and a possession who is not allowed to have a mind of my own beyond certain boundaries. I have shed tears like a river; family on both sides have been involved to no avail. I consider myself a strong high achiever, but now I feel worthless –a shadow of myself. I am plagued by my observation that my situation is so wrong but I feel powerless to do anything. God has been at the centre of my life but if I’m honest I have given up on Him also because there is no change.
I don’t want to separate my children from their father but I am really tired. What is scaring me now is that I am drowning my pain in drink – I am a social drinker but alcohol numbs me and helps me through. I would like prayers as I seek to address my situation and make some decisions.
(KENYA, AFRICA) We have been married for five years now and we have two adoring children. Our many problem arises with housework. During the first year of marriage my husband would assist in house work even without being asked to. However, after sometime he changed and would do something only on request. I feel this is not how it should be. I believe we ought to build both our house and home together and he should know what happens and goes on in the house so that he can also run the house in case am not there.
I usually do most of the work while he is seated or watching television and when I raise the concern, he always asks what I want to be assisted with and once he is through he goes back to doing his thing. I am usually very tired and exhausted, since I go to sleep at midnight and by 3.30 in the morning I am up to feed the small child and prepare for work. During the day I am working.
So this has resulted to jealousy. I see that all other things and people come first and am I far behind. I feel my work is to only housekeep and provide the necessary services (in relation to house keeping) only. We hardly get intimate.
A recent incident that happened is when he wanted to visit his relatives up country. I felt it was adding salt in a open wound since he was going to leave me to take care of the children and the house and it was not a must that he had to visit them. To make the matters worse it was during Easter holiday. On his return, things did not improve since I was not happy about it, resentment settled. He decided that since I don’t like him going home to visit his people he will just be going without telling me about it.
One day he decided to go without letting me know where he was going. I felt very bad, and to make him realise how much he was hurting me, it tore his shoes, jackets and some shirts. He did not like this and was very angry. This time he went to his home for a whole week. My daughter was constantly asking why her dad left and if he did not love them anymore.
Whenever we try to discuss this issue we end up blaming each other for what happened. He feels most offended since I destroyed his stuff. I hate myself for doing that and I wish I could take it back. It just happened, I never thought I was capable of doing something as horrible as that. I gave him some money so that he could buy a jacket or some of the things that I destroyed, which he accepted.
My problem is, this issue is driving me away from his relatives. At the moment I am playing it cool, just keeping quiet and doing almost all the house work, trying not to complain much, and being a good mother. But for sure I am so hurt because I thought we loved each other. And when you love someone you want to assist them. In almost everything, you ought to give your best.
I am giving this marriage my everything. I do not have time to even visit my friends (not that I have many). I don’t even have time for myself, coz I am struggling between job, house work and taking care of a 4 year and 11 month old, which is challenging. On his part he will go visiting his friends or relatives and come home late with no feeling at all. I am very bitter, angry, resentful and many more.
Please, do you have any suggestions on how I can overcome this kind of anger and jealousy to keep my heart in peace. Leaving is not an option because of the children asking questions. What do I do?
(USA) I am currently in an emotionally abusive marriage, that includes some physical abuse (mostly restraining me from leaving the house, and pushing me onto something soft, like the bed). As a Christian, I’ve had a hard time reconciling the idea of being a good wife submitting to my husband while at the same time fighting the abusive nature of my husband. The following website has helped me tremendously:
http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548
I realize that this is for adult women who come from abusive families, but many of the scriptures that are quoted on this website point to the fact that our Lord does NOT want for us to suffer from mistreatment from anyone, and that it is well within our rights as brothers and sisters in Christ to protect ourselves, even if it means walking away from a relationship with an abuser.