I, myself, have never felt like less of a man than I do right now. I have been called names that would make a soldier blush. I have seen her do that to my boys as well. They want me to divorce her, but, I blew my first marriage and want to try to make this work. I just don’t know what to do anymore…

We just had our fourth wedding anniversary. My husband’s emotional abuse has increased steadily over time. The honeymoon periods of him being sorry stopped; it was all my fault. His latest tactic is to imply that I need psychological help, and if I disagree with him, it is to him a sure sign of mental illness. He’s right about one thing, I do need psychological help after the way he has deconstructed me for four years, and I probably should have my head examined for staying with such a person. The fact that he has two distinct personalities, which he admits to, doesn’t send him running for professional help. “I’m a Gemini” he jokes.

Here’s where I need help. We are at a crossroads. He says that if I don’t sign a two year lease on a rental home (he lost his house due to his financial mismanagement) he will find a place for himself alone to live. A one year lease won’t do, which I offered, it has to be two years. And if I leave, he says, I will have to send him half the rent every month. This in spite of nearly going broke paying his bills. I don’t know when we will have to move out of here, but it could be soon. Do I sign up for two more years of this or go back home to a loving family across the country?

The article was particularly helpful to me in pointing out how we can get ourselves stuck in these messes from the abuser playing bait and switch with the truth until we feel helpless and powerless.

I am praying for everyone here who needs comfort and Guidance. Laura

I observe that when we have an argument or disagreement, he always wants me to go and “report myself” to my parents and request that my parents get involved before he will soft pedal. He has not spoken on the phone with my family for nearly 3 months now and he says it is because of my behavior. I have always resisted going to my family to say a word about the state of my marriage but I think I should at this point.
He has said to me on this New Years Eve that if I do not go to my parents, then my parents will come to me when I get to the “bus stop” of us.

We work together and I have applied to our organisation for a change of name. He has beaten me, dragged me on the floor and took a kitchen knife to kill me with until I ran out of our apartment and neighbors came to intervene. Please, at what point do I get my folks to know what it is going on? How do I move on?

http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548

I realize that this is for adult women who come from abusive families, but many of the scriptures that are quoted on this website point to the fact that our Lord does NOT want for us to suffer from mistreatment from anyone, and that it is well within our rights as brothers and sisters in Christ to protect ourselves, even if it means walking away from a relationship with an abuser.

I usually do most of the work while he is seated or watching television and when I raise the concern, he always asks what I want to be assisted with and once he is through he goes back to doing his thing. I am usually very tired and exhausted, since I go to sleep at midnight and by 3.30 in the morning I am up to feed the small child and prepare for work. During the day I am working.

So this has resulted to jealousy. I see that all other things and people come first and am I far behind. I feel my work is to only housekeep and provide the necessary services (in relation to house keeping) only. We hardly get intimate.

A recent incident that happened is when he wanted to visit his relatives up country. I felt it was adding salt in a open wound since he was going to leave me to take care of the children and the house and it was not a must that he had to visit them. To make the matters worse it was during Easter holiday. On his return, things did not improve since I was not happy about it, resentment settled. He decided that since I don’t like him going home to visit his people he will just be going without telling me about it.

One day he decided to go without letting me know where he was going. I felt very bad, and to make him realise how much he was hurting me, it tore his shoes, jackets and some shirts. He did not like this and was very angry. This time he went to his home for a whole week. My daughter was constantly asking why her dad left and if he did not love them anymore.

Whenever we try to discuss this issue we end up blaming each other for what happened. He feels most offended since I destroyed his stuff. I hate myself for doing that and I wish I could take it back. It just happened, I never thought I was capable of doing something as horrible as that. I gave him some money so that he could buy a jacket or some of the things that I destroyed, which he accepted.

My problem is, this issue is driving me away from his relatives. At the moment I am playing it cool, just keeping quiet and doing almost all the house work, trying not to complain much, and being a good mother. But for sure I am so hurt because I thought we loved each other. And when you love someone you want to assist them. In almost everything, you ought to give your best.

I am giving this marriage my everything. I do not have time to even visit my friends (not that I have many). I don’t even have time for myself, coz I am struggling between job, house work and taking care of a 4 year and 11 month old, which is challenging. On his part he will go visiting his friends or relatives and come home late with no feeling at all. I am very bitter, angry, resentful and many more.

Please, do you have any suggestions on how I can overcome this kind of anger and jealousy to keep my heart in peace. Leaving is not an option because of the children asking questions. What do I do?

Over the years, I have been physically abused occasionally and verbally abused constantly – withholding affection, insults, long silent treatments, shouting I could go on all because I have broken some unsaid rule of not met an expectation.

I am treated like a child and a possession who is not allowed to have a mind of my own beyond certain boundaries. I have shed tears like a river; family on both sides have been involved to no avail. I consider myself a strong high achiever, but now I feel worthless –a shadow of myself. I am plagued by my observation that my situation is so wrong but I feel powerless to do anything. God has been at the centre of my life but if I’m honest I have given up on Him also because there is no change.

I don’t want to separate my children from their father but I am really tired. What is scaring me now is that I am drowning my pain in drink – I am a social drinker but alcohol numbs me and helps me through. I would like prayers as I seek to address my situation and make some decisions.

It started with who to talk to and escalated to "you are my wife. I will do with you as I please…" The hardest thing I think I have gone through is doubt. I have been brought up knowing the Lord all my life and my husband turns it all around to me. He will ask me when he is yelling hurting and etc… "where’s your precious God at?" And he will tell me, "See even God doesn’t want you."

And honestly in my heart I know better. The Lord is with me always. BUT in my head, I begin to wonder… I feel so isolated and alone and it’s harder because he knows I pray for him every night and he uses that also. It seems with every cry of a prayer I utter unto the Lord, the next day or event is even more traumatic, and my husband will say "Yea keep on praying; it will just make it easier the next time."

It’s really hard when you have no where to go. They say agencies are there to help, but not always. I went to one with hand marks around my neck and officer said "Unless you’re in the hospital I’m sorry, I can’t help." I guess that’s what happens in a little town. There’s no hope.

I look upon the Lord everyday for strength just to open my eyes, and most days are harder than others. You get so scared to sleep wondering what will happen. Then days later you’re so exhausted you can’t keep your eyes open.Through all of this I have been so ill I have endured two surgeries in past year and half and need another one.

I know my doctor isn’t stupid. I think he knows but he cant do anything either. I think church members have their thoughts but when things are really bad I’m not there. I am at a state that I’m so emotional that I can’t look at someone I care about without crying. And then I go through times that I am so angry I can’t see straight. My children see and hear things and they act out. They don’t know what to do. They are kids. I’m supposed to protect them, not have them trying to protect me.

I truly hope and pray if anyone male or female reads this and you are in a relationship with any of these things going on, you will try to leave. Try your hardest. Don’t let it go on and on. I was too dumb to do that and now I’m even caught in it more. I have asked for help and now I go day by day, hour by hour. I try to remember when it’s time to lay down and sleep. OK… today is almost over there’s always hope for tomorrow. Thank you anyone who reads this and may God Bless you.

I want to live a life free of abuse and I pray every day. I’m not giving up and I’m not going back to that life. I’ll probably divorce him but right now I’m focusing on my life with my Lord and how I can draw strength from that. I do not wish to be reconciled to my husband at all, I just grew tired of everything.

You can find their information by going into the “Marriage Counseling” section of this web site and going into the part that contains “Links and Recommended Resources.” There you will find a list of web sites. Just scroll down to “Focus on the Family Counselor Referrals” and you can find their phone number, hours that they are available and a link to their “Referral Request Form” if you would prefer to e-mail them instead.

Given the nature of what you discussed in your comment, I believe they would be the best ministry to recommend to you for your particular problem. I pray you are able to find the help you need. God bless.

All the abusive behavior started before we even got married, but I always excused him, found the loving part of him, allowed him to convince me with his charm. Needless to say, I was also an enabler, by "learning" how to manage his "ups and downs". I am in that confusing stage where I am even wondering how I can LOVE him so much after all the pain we have experienced together?

I left my home 2 weeks ago, went to a shelter the first night, just because I didn’t want to "bother" any of my friends, and mainly because I wanted to be alone. Now I know it was God who sent me to this sobering place where I learned a lot more about the subtle type of abuse I have been in for years! After that first night, I checked myself into a hotel, and then stayed with a friend for a few nights before traveling to Southern California where my daughters live. I am jumping from place to place and I want something I can call my own.

My Christian counselor suggested a legal separation due to the volatility of my husband’s behavior. One day he loves me and provides financially, another day he fears my decisions and takes all the money away. I put all legal proceedings on hold, when my husband showed some vulnerability, but I know it is not a permanent change.

I am confused about what to do next. Do I file for legal separation? Do I make a "contract" with my husband so he can provide? I forgot to mention that I worked along with him for the last 6 years in our home business, never got a paycheck, but had everything at my fingertips (until the cycle started again). Do I stay in So. California where I have most of my support, or do I go back to the Northwest where my husband is? I also have a daughter and a grandson up north. Is there someplace I can go to talk in person with somebody that may be able to give me some Godly suggestions? I love my husband and I do not want a divorce. I want a change for our lives. Thank you for the opportunity to express my scattered thoughts!

Also she had a few affairs that hurt me. We’ve both done a lot of damage but now that I am willing to change and forgive her she only wants the divorce. We have three kids 17, 16, and 6, a girl. I love her and my kids. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for us and any help will be a blessing. Thank you.

Our new home, without my abusive husband, has become my ‘healing place.’ It will also be a healing place for my children. I will attend counseling with my husband, but he has to initiate it. I know God can heal the marriage and the family. I have faith in God’s ability to bring us all back together in a manner that will help both us and other families experiencing the same abusive matters.

I felt it was necessary to let my husband know that his abuse will not be tolerated by our kids or me. I do have moments when I feel down in my spirit. But that’s when I begin to praise God–out loud if necessary. My praise to God lifts my heavy heart. Stay encouraged. Love God. Listen for God’s voice in your life and situation. God loves you when you feel no one else does. He will never abuse you or let you down.

But what we do recommend is that your friend pray, and pray, and pray some more. She should pray with an open heart and mind that God will speak personally to her heart and to her circumstance — especially considering the fact that her husband is caught up in adultery. I would also recommend that she read the scriptures we have posted on divorce in the “Separation and Divorce” section. I’m confident that God will speak to her from His word.

The scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7 (particularly starting with verse 12) talks about a marriage where a believer is married to an unbeliever who wants to leave. Other scriptures also talk about the spouse who is married to someone caught in adultery. God allows divorce in such circumstances. But I want to caution your friend not to quickly rush to the divorce court because of these scriptures. She needs to look at the context of them within the whole Bible.

Yes, God PERMITS divorce in those circumstances, but that doesn’t make it a done deal where she MUST divorce. God says in the Bible that He hates divorce. And just because something is permissible, that doesn’t mean that this is the best thing to do (see: 1 Corinthians 6:12).

So, your friend needs to pray, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to her what God has on HIS heart for her to do. Is He releasing her, or does He want her to tough it out and be a part of His doing a resurrection work through her in her husband’s life? God knows whether her husband will eventually be open to this or not, so she needs to ask and seek God’s heart over the matter. I pray this helps. I pray your friend will clearly know what she must do and then do it reverently and seriously.

After going out for a few months, he was loving, caring, and I thought understanding. I told him from day one how much I loved the Lord. He would drink, phone me so often to see where I was. He would start an argument for nothing, swear me, call me all the names under the sun, and the next day give me flowers and a card. All would go back to normal until the next week, and so it went on.

I then married him and thought things would change, but they only got worse. I read the Bible. I believe the Bible has been my sword. He says things like I am hiding behind the Bible, and that I am the devil, I am guilty and I mess around all day. When I answer him back with a scripture, he would say, man wrote the Bible, and he does not believe it.

Ladies stand up for God and for what is right. I am a very happy women within, and a women of strength. Thank you Jesus.

Also – I was looking through the Focus Ministries website and thought I found a section on statistics that included male victims of domestic abuse but can’t seem to find it right now. I’ll post back later when/if I find it.

For Nicole, I was touched by your story. I was out of town when you posted so I didn’t see it until today. I wanted to share with you what the Lord might have me say to you. I will post back when/if I get some things to say. In the mean time please look through the other resources on this site as well as the Focus ministries website – you will probably find that helpful.

http://www.focusministries1.org/ With love, LT

I myself have been married for five years. My husband and I are both abusive to each other. He says something that I don’t like and then I follow it up with a low blow of words, and before you know it he has hit me.

We separated nine months into the first year of our marriage. I was two months pregnant with my first child and for him this would make child number three, due to a previous marriage. He totally left me alone while I was pregnant and I did not know my husband again until my son was six months old. During that time I felt that I did not do all that a wife should do, and desired deeply to be with him. God answered my prayers and we moved back to the state where he lived and the abuse, became much greater this time.

My husband is emotionally abusive, and at times physically. He has trouble with providing and taking care of our home. This has left me many days taking care of our children and the bills all by myself. I will spare you and myself of the details regarding the abuse, and adultery I have went through while being married. The thing that I keep beating myself up about, is that I am a child of God and was when we got married. How could this have happened to me? As a matter of fact my husband was preaching in the church and the community when I met him. A Holy man of God I thought. He is anointed and will go forth in Jesus, but where does this leave me?

I know that God has my back, but I am dealing with a great deal of hurt, confusion, and anger. I cry myself to sleep a night and wonder how did I become a single parent, when I waited to have children until I got married. Why do I look so much like the world? These are the things that I fight with.

He has since left my home, after another episode of unexplained anger and abuse. I now have two children, and everyday with my kids is getting better and better. They are two and four and full of life. I don’t want my family to end, but I don’t want a man who is not a provider and abusive to me. I am raising boys who will one day be men, and I pray that my children do not turn out to be abusive. I have to stop that cycle for my children’s sake.

I know what I need to do – it is the hard decision to do it. My husband often twists scripture for sex (I have a right to take my wife) and the head of the home mentality for his abuse and when I try to correct him – well, let’s just say he never hears anything I have to say. He learned this from his father.

I finally had to tell him if he touches me again I will call the police. His abuse is mostly sexual and controlling, and emotional abuse. If we could save our marriage I would – but not without counseling, truth, trust, real change. But I can’t save it alone.

Firstly, I can’t remember if I posted on this page or not but my husband had the same problem as you and our church confronted him on it. I do have the Holy Spirit and although over the years I didn’t know exactly what to do, I always felt God didn’t want me to go to the police because it is "man’s authority" (as opposed to God’s). So, recently, our church stepped in. It isn’t easy either way, but at least this way we didn’t have an arrest happen, etc.

Law enforcement usually prescribes group classes, usually in anger management. They will make an initial arrest but usually (from what I’ve read) don’t give jail time for the first-time arrest, they assign someone to group classes/therapy-type sessions.

Oddly enough, this website (Marriage Missions) was sent to me by none other than my husband. That is how I came across all the articles here that spoke to me as the victim and needing spiritual/emotional healing. My husband did/does still have healing to do as I’m sure you do.

This following website is where I highly suggest you go. Marriage Missions has an article by Paul Hegstrom and the book that he wrote that I got a copy of, and both my husband and I read it (and it’s AWESOME) is called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. It changed both of us and woke us up, that what was happening in our marriage was not only WAY outside the boundaries of normal, healthy relationships, but also an abomination to God.

http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/

You should read Paul’s story (the author of the book) and I also suggest you get the book, that he wrote, that I mentioned above. It will help you put a name to what your problems are, why you have them, and help you find a way out. They offer a program on-site, but if you are not in the area of their office, they also offer seminars in different locations as well as correspondence course materials. The reason I suggest them is because they do everything from a Christian angle (as opposed to a secular therapy program).

Also – here’s the article (it’s a link) on marriage missions you should check out :
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3781189&ct=4640129

Keep in mind, your anger and abuse are stemming from VERY deeply rooted emotional places in your heart. Most likely you experienced some kind of trauma and/or abuse during your childhood. There will need to be some resolved things in order for you to heal but God works miracles and He will get you through it. Bless you for writing and asking for guidance. I hope the links above help. My husband is still healing (we’re about a year and a half into it and we’re almost all the way there) but we’ll get there eventually. I just wanted to be realistic with you that it’s not a quick fix. Mostly likely you’ve been carrying it around for years but with the right guidance from God and others that He uses to help you, you will get healing.

God bless, LT

I am in counselling and working on things to become a "real" person again, but am not working on my marriage. My husband wants marriage counselling but I am not willing to go there. I don’t want to go in and sit while he manipulates everything and makes it smooth when it’s not. I also honestly don’t know if I can even trust him enough to stay married. I get comments all the time about my marriage –that I have no ground too divorce. But here is my question…. at what point of abuse is it ok? There is no way God is ok with watching the victim suffer. I’m tired of being my husbands victim, and I don’t want to go back to it. He is working on things, some things… stopped therapy. He is going to church and has come off of being addicted to pain meds. But how do I know and trust that the change he is saying is happening, is real?

Just the other day he tried to control me again. I was laughing and having fun with people at church and later he approached me and tried to make me feel like talking to the people at church was bad. He manipulated the whole thing and again tried to take away people in my life. I called him out on it and he partially admitted it, cried and said he has a hard time being honest with me when he has a hard time being honest with himself. So then I think, he’s being real and wanting change but I don’t know. I still tried to say to him that he was still trying to control and manipulate me and sure enough, he turned it on me and said I’m the one thinking that it is going on, when it’s not. I need help with that.

I’m just so confused. I know in my heart that I’m not ready to work on my marriage. I just don’t feel that. I’m now being judged as I’m focusing on my FLESH and not my spirit. I know though, that without a doubt, that God is the one who gave me the strength and wisdom to get out of the house. I also would like to believe that God will give me that same strength and feeling as I had before, if it was time to work on the marriage. So am I wrong for not feeling that way?

I have lost love for my husband. I just can’t see myself going back to someone who has hurt me over and over and over. It’s like I would be going back to be a victim and I can’t do that. I do believe though that if the Lord wants my marriage he will renew my love for my husband. However again, in the past 8 months, I have gotten nothing but more hurt, confusion and a desire to just be free from him.

Any advice or words? I need some…

I also stated that if care is not taken, the body of Christ will be responsible for ‘killing’ our brethren (literally). Firstly, there’s a need for a change in mindset. Unfortunately, a good proportion of our sisters deem it ‘natural’ to just bash men! I hear this from females in the work place who are non-Christians are well as from Christians alike.

The focus is always on what ‘he’ does wrong (be observant about this from now on). This theme has been in existence for such a long time it’s become law/norm to sisters in general. Asking men to be more vocal, especially on issues like these no doubt has it’s pros & cons – it definitely will bring balance to this debate but does that not diminish/tarnish a key aspect of what being a hubby is supposed to be – a shield/protector?

I read a while back that in medieval France, a man who had been abused by his wife was forced to wear a dress and ride a donkey sitting the other way! This apparently was to depict his weakness. I would have thought that being able to show restraint would made him anything but weak? Could this possibly be another reason for the silence of a man? I’m still young and this may well be a naive statement or question. God bless

First, a bit about me: I had to have my Christian family confront my husband on physical abuse. We were separated for a time and are now living together again, with no hitting, but still a lot of anger. I went through a lot of confusion, bitterness and resentment on my part (but God helped me work through that) and my husband, deep down, still resents me for having him confronted. He knew he had a problem but he was determined that he was working on it, but the thing is – whatever he was doing wasn’t effective enough because the physical stuff was still happening until the intervention happened.

Regarding not much info about abusive women: this is true, there is not much but there is some. I bought a book (a Christian reference book) written about healing from abuse and there was one chapter on the male victim of abuse. On some websites of domestic violence, there is also usually a link somewhere for the male victim.

Mark – it sounds like you are referring more to women who are verbally abusive – belittling their husbands and making them feel useless. In that case – please read the comment above by H – talking about boundaries. There is also an article on this website about boundaries – you should look at that as well, if you are facing demeaning treatment. The boundaries are what we do when we respect ourselves enough not to let others treat us in a bad way – it’s a set of rules we set for ourselves. God loves us so we should love ourselves enough, too, to decide what to do when someone treats us badly.

My current situation is one where God has strengthened me (gave me a sound mind, like the scriptures say, not a mind of fear) and the physical abuse is no longer present but the mindset is still not healthy here in my house. God pointed me to that article – I prayed and set boundaries for my personal situation and I stick to them, regardless, and feel Christ with me when I do that even though the other person may not like it. You should definitely take a look at that article.

But I also know that part of setting boundaries and dealing with treatment from others that isn’t pleasing, requires strength from God. God does use other’s flaws to strengthen our own character and test us. If you (or a friend) have a wife that treats them badly (assuming it is just verbal, not physical) – staying at the office late is avoiding the problem and will not contribute to the problem being fixed. To fix it and instill change, we have to actively take a role in the resolution process. That’s what I’ve been shown. And it was NOT easy for me, having been oppressed so long and being a mousy person because of it. Recognize the problem and work toward fixing it (even if only one person is doing the working). God does use other people to refine us. It’s the job of the abuse victim to rise above it and show an example in how they respond. That can’t be done if someone is running from the problem or avoiding it.

One other thought – if you look at websites concerning abuse, I can tell you I’ve never met one person that doesn’t fit into the category of "abuser" in at least some way or other. We’re all imperfect. These sites have questions to ask yourself whether you are abused or abusing. MOST people I know, including myself, can answer yes to at least one question of whether they are abusing (or have in the past). The big difference is, whether that’s someone’s demeanor MOST or ALL of the time. The person who answers yes and is that way most of the time (ie, they tend to live in that state and that’s the core of who they are) are the ones who need to be confronted. But it is eye opening to read the questions.

There are a lot of people out there that are abusive in isolated incidents, and may not realize it. That helps keep things in perspective and helps us point the finger back at ourselves instead of always pointing out the speck in someone else’s eye.

Anyway – these were the thoughts I was struck with. I do feel this site would be benefited if more men wrote up. I love women and reading what they write, but it’s helpful for more men’s perspectives to be shown.

If I find some links to sites that talk about male victims of abuse I will post them in the future.