The following are quotes from various resources on the subject of dealing with your parents — especially in the area of emotionally leaving your family of origin and cleaving together to form a new family with your spouse. We pray that these quotes minister to your situation.

• A marriage is not a joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds in order that one new one might be formed. In this sense, the call to be married bears comparison with Jesus’ advice to the rich young man to sell all his possessions and to follow Him. It is a vocation to total abandonment. For most people, in fact, marriage is the single most wholehearted step they will ever take toward a fulfillment of Jesus’ command to love one’s neighbor as oneself. (Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage)

• Marriage is more than sharing a life together; it’s building a life together. What you do now is for both, and what is said now is for both. What your purpose is now is for the kingdom and giving glory to the image of God. (Norm Wright, One Marriage Under God)

• When you marry, it’s to approach life as a team “from this day forth.” It’s to change the way we live. (Cindy Wright)

• With the life mate decision, you’re not only marrying a person of the opposite sex, you’re determining: your future mother-in-law; your future father-in-law; your children’s grandparents; your children’s other parent; your future nieces and nephews, and all of the rest of your in-laws; where you, and your children, will likely spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for the next fifty plus years. The success or failure of your marriage impacts a lot of people. Communicate honestly and clearly on these issues. Your extended family for generations to come will be influenced by your discussions and your decisions. (From the book, “Getting to Really Know Your Life-Mate-to-Be” by Bobb and Cheryl Biehl)

• Much of who you are today is a product of your past. You and your fiancé have probably not attempted to conceal your background from each other. But you may not have taken the time needed to adequately examine how your past influences your future. One of the most underestimated influences on your new marriage is your family. When most couples marry today they assume that their marriage is between two people who want to become one. In reality, it is two people and two families that are coming together to form a new merger. You will leave your father and mother so that you can cleave and become one. However, as you will see in the years ahead, your family’s impact on your new family must not be minimized, but rather understood and planned for. (Dennis Rainey, Preparing for Marriage)

• Alan and Lauri were leaving the church following the reception when Alan’s mother came rushing out with a formal looking piece of paper and a pen in her hand. “I know you’re eager to leave, and I want you to,” she said, “But this is so important. It will take just a minute. Alan, I need your signature on this form. I’ve already signed it.” Alan looked puzzled but took the paper, quickly read it and then with a big smile signed it with a flourish and handed it back to his mother. His mother then gave the form to Lauri, and with moist eyes and a friendly smile said, “Lauri, this paper belongs to you—and so does Alan.

I used to be the Number One woman in Alan’s life. I’ll always be his mother, but this is my declaration that I’m transferring the position of being Number One woman to you. “This is a signed certificate giving this position to you, as well as my announcement to Alan, to be sure that he understands this change. Have a wonderful honeymoon. I love you both.” With that, Alan’s mother turned and walked away with both Lauri and Alan smiling; but now the tears were in their eyes. This was a wedding gift. What do you think the first 5 years were like for this couple? (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• As you’re getting started in your new life, it’s imperative that you and your husband—not your parents—set the guidelines and boundaries that will be most supportive of your marriage in the long run. But get ready. Making these adjustments will most likely be more challenging for you than it will be for your husband. (Susan Devries, Bobbie Wolgemuth, from the book: The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life)

• Learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. And it may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. If affects the two of you now, but later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important, and the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

• What you say and do now in relation to your in-laws (and parents) will set the tone for years to come. Getting off to a good start is very important because it is difficult to undo the first impression. Go slow and listen more than talk. Different families have different ways to show love, affection, approval, etc. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

• I wrote a book called “The Tribute and the Promise,” (now titled The Best Gift You Can Give Your Parents) and in that book I told the story of this couple and the practical way of reassuring the mom that needs the reassurance, that she is going to be loved; that her adult daughter is not withdrawing from the relationship. And so what this young lady did was she actually wrote a tribute to her mom and dad and both she and her husband, I believe it was at Christmas or maybe for their anniversary, went home. They read this tribute to them, gave it to them in a frame and, as a reminder of all they’d done right, and then the husband turned to the parents and said, “There really are some boundaries that need to establish around our marriage and around our family for the good health of our relationship.”

And he began to lay those out in a very clear — and not in a hurtful way — came out of the flow of the honor that had been given to those adult parents. And, as a result, what happened was the daughter was released by her mother and her father to become her own mother and her own wife and woman. And that couple were released from the control because they had delivered honor back to their parents, and the parents began to back off, realizing that what they were doing was unhealthy.

But it took the courage of both the husband and the wife of going back to the parents and of establishing the boundaries, and I can’t say it strong enough that I believe in these situations, it is the husband who must step forward. They can do it as a team. I think that’s a beautiful picture at that point. But many times it takes that husband stepping in because the daughter has been manipulated for so many years, and she’s been emotionally blackmailed in that relationship. She can’t do it. She needs someone who is objective. She needs someone who will do it lovingly without getting angry, who has prayed over it, and who will go back with the spirit of Jesus Christ – going back to bring hope and healing and some wholesome relationships to adult children with their parents. (Dennis Rainey, from radio interview on Family Life Today program aired January 2, 2008, titled “Control Freak” which you can either read or listen to by clicking HERE)

• Newlyweds should always follow the golden rule in dealing with their in-laws because if everything goes “right” one day, newlyweds will also be parents-in-law. (Leah Shifrin Averick)

• Holiday visits: Often, there is blind defensive loyalty to one’s own family. For that reason, a new spouse can be seen as a critical intruder. So begin by frankly acknowledging each family’s traditions and desires. One family might view Christmas as a major reunion that lasts several days—and nights. A spouse who accustomed to a different style of celebration might prefer instead to split up the time between the two families. It would be easy to read a new son-or-daughter-in-law’s departure from the “norm” as a rejection of the time-honored tradition. So it’s crucial that you prepare your family for some changes and offer an explanation so your spouse won’t come across as the “bad guy.” (From the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz)

• “Within every new family, there are so many issues of ‘intentional togetherness,’” says Bryan Brook [Ph.D., an author and Denver-area couples counselor] None, perhaps, is as highly charged as holiday time, but you probably know that already. What you may not know is why that is so. It turns out that holiday pressures go way beyond shopping and who’s cooking what and what time to show up— they have to do with exaggerated feelings. “Because we’re supposed to feel more love” during certain times or days of the year, Brook explains, the tension that would already be apparent, say, on any given non-holiday Tuesday in July is heightened on holidays. And then, if the love doesn’t magically multiply— more and more on cue— a couple may wonder, “What’s wrong with this picture?” when there may not be anything wrong at all. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)

• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. However, don’t hesitate to turn to parents for help if serious problems arise such as drug, alcohol or physical abuse. (From the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz. You can read it in it’s entirety in the “Family Issues” section)

• Tugs from the in-laws may not seem as intrusive when each knows that he’s “Number One” with the other spouse. The bond grows between husband and wife when each considers the other’s needs and wishes before those of anyone else. Indeed in Genesis the Bible directs, “Therefore shall a man leave the house of his mother and father and cleave unto his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) Establishing this “baseline” is perhaps the most important step in heading off in-law conflict. (Leah Shifrin Averick)

• Maggie Scarf points out in her book Intimate Partners, that when couples marry, they must set about redefining themselves in line with their new visions of themselves and in line with their different definitions of reality. This, as you might expect, does not happen neatly in the first week or month of marriage. Especially when you’ve got in-laws mixed into the melange. “Each member of the pair,” Scarf writes, “has… come into the marriage with a different autobiography; the specific family cultures from which they spring have impressed certain ideas and beliefs into their psyches.

…The major struggle, in the early phase of marriage, is about what the themes of their new, jointly scripted scenario will be.” The minor struggles, meanwhile, are the day-to-day dealings about casting aside parts of the past and deciding what you call your in-laws: Mom? Dad? Or do you dare to use their first names? The unofficial rule: If you’re comfortable enough to ask them, chances are you’ll be able to call them Mom and Dad. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)

• After each receives the mate God has provided, the next step for the husband and wife is to join forces. The Bible’s word for this is cleave which literally means to stick together like glue in a permanent bond. As the melodrama of God’s presentation of Eve to Adam comes to a close, the scripture says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Cleaving is not just about sex, although the beautiful act of sexual intercourse certainly illustrates the physical aspect of becoming “one flesh.” Cleaving is much more. Another good word for it is commitment, a total lifelong decision to stick together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Without question, it’s a challenge for both spouses to accept all the differences in each other when they marry. But this is God’s plan; in spite of the things in your mate that repel, He wants you to receive and cleave. And the result is a partnership of exponential strength and awesome potential. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)

• Being “one flesh” with someone [is] primarily a Hebrew way of saying one family, flesh and blood. The union of marriage is not an alliance of families, with each partner representing a previous set of priorities and loyalties. No, and this was and remains quite radical, marriage is a union that dissolves the old bonds, the old loyalties, the old priorities, and creates one new family, with all that entails - one new set of priorities, one new set of fundamental loyalties. (From the article, “Sex Is Not About Waiting” by Michael Lawrence. This article was published on Boundless.org on December 7, 2006.)  

• In at least one aspect, marriage is like football. In a close game, the winning team is usually the one that made the most significant adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what effective coaches do at halftime—give their players the key adjustments that will gain them the advantage in the final quarters. A winning marriage requires the same mind-set. A husband and wife need to recognize that surprises requiring proactive adjustments await them in their relationship. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)

• I have seen adult sons move out of their homes and marry without really leaving. To leave involves far more than moving out. It means to be physically, emotionally and financially independent from one’s parents, rather than retaining any vestige of dependence upon them. Of course, it must be recognized that when dependency remains, it may be because of either the adult child’s or the parents’ desires. It’s interesting to note that two of the factors sociologists have identified as being highly significant to the success of a marriage are whether people have emotionally separated from their parents in a healthy way, and whether they have had an opportunity to live on their own by themselves before they married. If both of these conditions existed, they have a better opportunity for a successful marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• If your spouse gets his or her emotional needs met in his or her relationship with parents instead of with you, there’s a problem. You may even feel as if your spouse is having an affair. Sometimes this problem begins when a wife feels frustrated over her husband’s seeming lack of interest in conversing about her day; she starts talking with her parents instead. Sometimes the husband is the frustrated one; it’s common for mother and son to have long or frequent conversations that leave the wife feeling ignored. Neither scenario is appropriate. Respect for each other is the key. In this situation, respect might require that the spouse maintaining an overly close relationship with his or her parents will decrease that contact in order to show love for the spouse.

…This is not to suggest that children and parents should cut off their relationship under the guise of leaving and cleaving. But your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any children you might have, then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• However committed a couple may be to a marriage as a permanent bond, it may have a certain tenuousness to it simply because of it’s newness. For many, this is a time of tension between loyalties. And if the parent-child bond was strong and healthy, the attachment to parents may feel stronger than the attachment to the new spouse. This can make the separation painful for both the parents and the adult child. Part of the tension can be accentuated by the choice between which family pattern to follow, “your family’s or my family’s?” Building the new marriage must take center stage, especially during the first year of marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Often new husbands and wives assume they’ll be loved and accepted by in-laws on the merit of having married the in-laws’ child. This may be the case, but it usually takes time to establish trust and respect. Just as it takes time to build other close relationships, gaining acceptance into a family doesn’t happen instantly. After all, you’re stepping into a family with a long history of established bonds. Don’t be too hard on yourself and expect too much. If your relationship with your own parents is wonderful, the one with your mother- and father-in-law may never measure up. If your relationship with your parents isn’t good, you may be too needy and demanding in trying to make up for it. The number-one factor in resolving problems of acceptance by in-laws is your spouse’s support. As with all close relationships, it’s an art to support your spouse without jumping into the fight or feeding his or her discontent. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The responsibility of married couples to each other involves a total commitment. This means literally “forsaking all others.” This not only includes in-laws and parents, but friends, fishing companions, tennis cronies and so on, for the sake of the marriage. When a husband and wife marry, they commit themselves to the task of building a good and enriching marriage. We don’t usually make lifetime commitments to friends or business associates, but only to our spouses.

Joseph and Lois Bird suggest: “If the relationship with parents, friends, or relatives—their visits, actions, or influence—has a negative effect on our relationship with the one person to whom we have committed ourselves, we can make no rational choice other than to curtail—or even terminate—contacts with our parents (or others). The responsibility rests on each one of us. If necessary we may have to take steps which could alienate our parents, and they may be deeply hurt.” The authors go on to say that this advice isn’t intended to hurt anyone, least of all one’s parents or friends. It’s simply a matter of priorities, and making choices for the marriage, not against anyone. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• It really is scary to confront someone who you love deeply, realizing that they will hurt. You know, one of the things that I’ve learned, is that when we are overly controlling, so often what’s at the root of that is a high level of anxiety, and anxiety is underneath there and, of course, this mom is anxious. She’s afraid of losing her daughter. She cares so deeply, maybe she’s afraid of having no meaning in her life. Maybe the only thing that meant anything to her was being a mom, and now she sees a chance through this grandson to extend that meaning again and recapture some of that joy she felt.

And so if this daughter can find a way to reassure her mom’s root anxiety — of course, she doesn’t have to be the one who magically intuits what the need is, but if she can find a way to say, “You won’t lose me. You will not lose this grandchild if you can find a way to respect this relationship and allow our marriage to thrive, you’ll have us in your life, only we’ll be choosing it. You won’t have to push yourself into our life.” (Dr Les Parrott, from radio interview on Family Life Today program aired January 2, 2008, titled “Control Freak” which you can either read or listen to by clicking HERE)

• When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication, but you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution with a life of its own — a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ. (Dr Randy Carlson)

• In-law problems in general suggest that unfinished business—incompleted passages—lie in the background. Keep in mind that this is a broad generalization: Severe in-law friction indicates a cross-generational problem that, if not resolved, will fester in the present generation and infect the next ones. (From the book, Passages of Marriage by Minirith, Newman and Hemfelt)

• Cutting the cord between mother and son is a process that has to be relived from time to time. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Setting up your own household doesn’t mean you must terminate the relationship with your parents. You’re to leave them, not forsake them or forgo all their influence. Their hard-won experience can still play a vital role in your lives. Consider the biblical examples of Naomi, the mother-in-law who had a beautiful relationship with her daughter-in-law Ruth. And recall Jethro, the father-in-law of Moses, who pulled him aside and told him he was working himself to death. Taking his advice made Moses’ service to God much more effective. (Ed Young in The 10 Commandments of Marriage)

• If parents need to be confronted or informed, agree that their own child—not the son-or daughter-in-law—will do the talking. Protecting your marriage is a priority; the newest addition to the family doesn’t need another reason to be dissected by the in-laws. Each spouse needs to know that he or she will be protected by the other, even if husband and wife disagree and the in-laws are meddlesome. (Sandra Lunberg, from book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to working out differences. Also remember to keep your relationship with each set of parents separate and positive. Avoid making comparisons. One set of parents does not need to know everything the other is doing, such as how much time you spend with them or what they buy for you. (From the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz)

• When it comes to dealing with an in-law who doesn’t seem to accept you, here are the main principles to remember: • Learn to support your spouse without getting hooked into taking sides. • Encourage your spouse to share his or her feelings directly with you. Keep a sense of humor. • Show your spouse that he or she is number one in your eyes. • Don’t take things too personally. • Remember, building a relationship takes time. • Forgive, forgive, forgive. • Remember that you’re loving your spouse by honoring his or her parents.

One more idea: When confronted with what feels like a no-win situation involving an in-law, use the “drop the rope” theory. Imagine a rope, the kind used in tug-of-war. If you find yourself provoked, see that rope in your hands. You can choose to continue yanking on it— or drop it. Dropping it may sound as though you’re giving in or giving up, but it’s actually very empowering. It’s also much more effective than tugging back and forth. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. (from: “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz, Marriage Partnership Magazine - Spring 1998)

• When Sue’s son began seriously dating a young woman, she was heartsick. The girl had a vastly different background that was in direct conflict with Sue’s family. She spent agonizing hours in prayer over the relationship, hoping it wouldn’t progress to marriage. When it did, however, Sue resolutely pushed back her dismay and welcomed the young woman into their family. “I willed myself to accept my daughter-in-law,” she said, “because my son had chosen her. (Elizabeth Graham, from article, “The Other Woman”, Marriage Partnership Magazine, Nov/Dec 2003)

• Biblically, husbands and wives are supposed to leave their parents’ family unit in order to start a family unit of their own. Although there may have been a period of time when both of them were single and on their own, they were still considered part of their primary family unit. Once they’re married, however, they form their own independent primary unit—they become one with their spouse. This is similar to the process of a mother who carries her child to term, feeding and caring for him or her by way of an attached umbilical cord. The moment that child is born, the umbilical cord is cut, making the infant an independent-though-still-interdependent being. That child now eats his or her own food, breathes his or her own air, and eliminates his or her own waste, independent of the mother.

God has created the family structure to evolve this way way, too. Once a child is married, the umbilical cord of a dependent existence is cut. Unfortunately, many in-laws have a tough time with this because, in their minds, their child is still their “baby.” But a baby that stays past his or her term connected to the mother can never develop and will eventually die. This is why a child is called an offspring. One day that child is intended to “spring off” into his or her own independent existence. In-laws can pray for their married children and encourage and love them. But they must beware of attempts to reconnect the umbilical cord of dependence and, thus, tragically interfere with God’s plan for the married couple’s oneness—a oneness which characterizes His own relationships with His Bride, the church. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)

• One of the most common reasons some in-laws smother a marriage is because they feel like they have a right to. Where would such an idea come from, you ask? Usually from a financial string that keeps them tightly tied to you. So if you’re feeling smothered, it may be because you haven’t yet unhooked yourself financially. Of course, the indebtedness may not be only financial. It could be that you’re relying on Mom and Dad for regular child care because it’s convenient and cheap. However this kind of favor isn’t always as “cheap” as you might think. So consider why your in-laws might feel that they have a right to meddle in your marriage and then do something to change it. (From the book, “Questions Couples Ask” by Dr’s Les and Leslie Parrott)

• It’s a common story: After a fight with his or her mate, a spouse goes “home to mother” or calls the parents on the phone and spills the details. This is detrimental to a marriage. It communicates disrespect to your spouse and makes it hard for the parents to maintain a healthy relationship with him or her. Even if you and your spouse reconcile within hours or days after your argument, family members may not know that. They might carry that memory of the fight you had, have a hard time believing that everything is okay, and remain suspicious of your partner.

Expecting parents to referee your conflicts isn’t realistic or wise. It would be hard for them to be objective about your marriage. The best thing they can do when you come to them in the midst of an argument is to send you home to work it out. One exception would be conflict that involves violence. Getting to safety is the first priority. Taking time to be apart and see your parents can give you an opportunity to think and establish a plan to repair the marriage. It’s not helpful to just go home to Mom and Dad to vent, however. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The number one rule [in marriage] is that the husband and wife are the center of the home. They are not to allow anyone—not an in-law, friend, or child—to come between the two of them. Their oneness is the seed from which the entire plant of unity blossoms. Therefore, it is likely that they will be the first to come. All attacks are not overt; some are covert, appearing quite innocent on the surface but very dangerous. These covert attacks may involve attempts by friends and in-laws to influence the decisions that are made in your house for your family. Always inform people who offer advice that you will discuss their ideas with your spouse and then, together, you’ll make a decision. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)

• When you’re forced to make a difficult decision, pray about it, seek counsel, then make the decision without regrets. It’s always important to count the cost of any option. John Gillies points this out as he explains how he and his wife cared for two aging parents. “Home care is a glorious proposition, but it is costly—in dollars and cents and in energy and life-style.” Sometimes the best option is to move parents into your home. Other times it may be more important to provide additional care, even if it requires remodeling or renovating the home in which they’ve lived for years in order to allow them to remain there.

Whatever decision you make, trust God to guide you as you seek His wisdom, and be sure to avoid the traps of guilt and second-guessing. A woman from California wrote to Ann Landers: “After my father died, my brothers and I knew that my mother would be unable to cope by herself in her big house. Although they discussed modifying their own homes to accommodate Mother, I was very strong in my opposition to this. I told them there was no way Mother could live in my home without destroying my marriage. And I suspected the same was true for them.

They eventually agreed and we moved Mother into a facility where she could get more and more attention as her physical and mental abilities deteriorated. Guilt, you bet. Every time I visited her I felt guilty. Did she rub it in? Of course. “How can you make me live in a place like this?” she would ask. But after I left I knew that this was the best solution for a bad situation. Mother had better care in that facility than my family or I would ever have been able to provide. I realize this may not be the best answer for everyone, but it was the best one for us. It was a tough decision but I’ve never regretted it.” Clearly this California woman’s decision is not the right one for everyone, but apparently it was right for her. Whatever decision you make, make it with prayer, wise counsel, and a mind saturated with the principles of God’s Word. (From the book, Prime of Your Life, by Woodrow Kroll and Don Hawkins)

• Whatever your situation with your aging parents, you need to build your own marriage now—not in the future when you have less stress. So take the following 4 tips: (1) Deal with false guilt. You simply can’t be all things to all people. Remember, you can do what you can do, and that’s all you can do. (2) Don’t feel responsible for what you can’t control. Anxiety tends to appear when we feel responsible for things we can’t control. So remember the prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” You may even want to make a list of what you can do and can’t do. (3) Get advice from others. Older friends have been a great source of information for us. Observe those with healthy extended family relationships. Ask questions. Read books. Do whatever you can to gather helpful information. (4) Get a life. Whatever your situation with your aging parents, you need a life of your own. And your marriage needs maintenance, especially in these stressful years. (From the book, “The Second Half of Marriage” by David and Claudia Arp)

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