The following are quotes on Emotional Infidelity from various resources that we pray will minister to your situation:
• An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail —they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.
These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt. (Cindy Crosby, from the article “Why Affairs Happen” — To read the entire article which is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site, please click HERE.)
• Extramarital affairs occur in the mind as well as the bedroom. Jesus taught that physical adultery and lust were one in the same. While they may carry different physical consequences, they do carry the same negative spiritual consequences. Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real.
…We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from an email sent out June 13, 2007 titled, Tempted to be in an affair?)
• You have heard it said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27)
• It is when we are the weakest that Satan tries to attack. When he sees a chink in our marriage, he will try to bring a bulldozer through. We need to guard our heart against these attacks, whether it is the temptation to enter into a sexual affair or a subtler affair of the heart. Nurturing quiet longings for another man (or woman) may seem harmless at first, but an affair of the heart puts forth barbs that can drag us out of God’s presence into a place of sin.
Sheep never plan to get lost. They graze and nibble their way off in the wrong direction, and before they know it, they have strayed from the shepherd into unknown territory. In the same way you drift into relationships that lead you away from God. Sin can begin in the subtle guise of innocence but grow into something lethal. (Linda W Rooks, from the book “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation”)
• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: First Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.
Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (”you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes — scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)
• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)
• Shirley Glass (author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)
• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred.
What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage, posted on the web site www.troubledwith.com)
• Sin is born in the mind. When we daydream about a person of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, that is sin. When we “innocently” facilitate arrangements to be with someone else, we’re already in trouble. Rationalizing your thoughts about another person is deluding yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing or manipulating events, it is time to do a very fast U-turn.
That same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. Daydream about your spouse. Remember your wedding vows. Is there something you can do today, this week, to remind your spouse of the intimate relationship you’re called to have together? Daydream about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Focus on what is beautiful in him or her. If you find these exercises difficult, maybe it’s time to sit your spouse down and have a much-needed conversation.
Don’t let your marriage slide away because of neglect. Spend time with the person you committed to love in a marriage. You both entered the relationship hoping to have a love that would last a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to work on it when it needs some attention. Some of us have gotten the idea that if love takes work, then it must not be real, and it’s certainly not romantic. That is a lie. All relationships require energy and effort. Romance comes when you provide the environment for romance. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book, “Unfaithful”)
• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.
Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ‘07 Marriage Newsletter, www.marriage.com.au)
• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.
Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ‘07 Marriage Newsletter, www.marriage.com.au)
• First, you must admit to yourself your attraction to someone else. If you find that you’re convincing yourself everything is okay, it’s not. And that’s the point. If you’re not mature enough to blow the whistle on yourself, then you’re heading straight for danger. You’ll start hiding things—things you thought you would never do—and your prayer life will go down the tubes. You’ll be tormented, standing before your congregation without a clear conscience. Justification is one of the strongest indications there’s a problem.
Next, you must confess it. And you must change—that’s non-negotiable. I often hear people confess, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but…” and they continue dancing on the edge. In order to change, you have to cut off that relationship.
If you feel you cannot talk with your spouse about your thoughts or a situation, you set yourself up for trouble. You need to be honest—for both yourself and for her. Also, listen to your wife. Spouses are perceptive—often they’re the first to tune in to danger lurking in the shadows. On the other hand, be accountable to selected, trusted people, because there are times you can’t just lay this kind of stuff on your wife. Yes, you need to be forthright, but you need to protect her, too. You don’t want to continually discourage her and make her feel like chopped liver. (From the article titled “Dancing on the Edge” posted on www.family.org)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful, not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT, Soldier and Family Assistance Program Mgr.)
• On the SUBJECT of EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS and VIEWING PORNOGRAPHY: Some 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it.
I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted —by the guy —as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)
• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses; they begin with lunch—or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. (Thus you know, in fact, that there’s something to get upset about.) You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all. Because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding.
By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it—which is to say that I carried on sending Louise e-mails, but much less frequently, and with a new and more measured emotional tone. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies. (An excerpt from an article titled “The New Infidelity – You can find the whole article at http://www.salon.com/sex/feature/2003/02/28/email/index.html From: Smartmarriages® Subject: Hong Kong/ Men /Infidelity /Bush /Covenant /Research/ Makeover – 3/03)
• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)
• An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair— an affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)
• In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner. Fully 98% of males and 80% of females reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner, at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report having fantasies; but the imagined flings were still very common in young married couples, who often assumed that they should be immune. In short, almost everyone is doing it —at least in their heads. And usually they can’t talk about it, especially with the person closest to them.
This creates one of the universal paradoxes of romantic desire, a tension between public faithfulness and private longing for another, a secret life of the imagination. Some married people can live with this paradox and understand it as an entirely internal drama that in no way presages a real affair or reflects any need to stray. Yet even long-married people who are acutely aware of this double life and can joke with themselves about it aren’t always able to resolve their tension.
In a psychological sense, free-floating desire has provided the brain with an idea of infidelity, complete with expectations, curiosities and what-ifs. The frequency and vividness of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their love for a partner is fading, Levine said. Then something happens. A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights of an affair have already been richly imagined.
The consequences are now minimized: “Many couples survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it’s an experience, part of the richness of life,” a person might tell herself or himself. “Whatever the final provocation,” Levine said, “the person decides—actively makes a choice to participate at every step along the way.” (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003) (Smartmarriages® Subject: Infidelity — 10/21/03)
• ONLINE INFIDELITY —”There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online—is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. “There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.
“It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows—at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows,“ Mileham said. You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. Mileham said some think that it’s not cheating because there’s no physical contact with that person. “The number one justification is: I’m not touching anybody,” she said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com – Smartmarriages® Subject: Stay married /Listen /New Jersey /Time? /C-PAIRS /cybersex-11/05/03)
• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers.
But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. “If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed—even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com – Smartmarriages® Subject: Stay married/Listen/New Jersey/Time?/C-PAIRS/cybersex-11/05/03)
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(ZIMBABWE) I cannot comment for now, but I am seeking a marriage counselling. Help me, I am desperate.
(USA) Wow my husband is a cliché. Trying to forgive, I’m but having a hard time when I heard for 5 years "we are just friends".
(KENYA) I’m really going through a hard time. I’ve had cyber sex a lot and I’m even now I’m almost in an affair. I’m now getting out of it. Ive decided to get out. It’s so hard, sometimes I just feel like running and never coming back.
(NIGERIA) How do you talk it out with a spouse who is into pornography?
(NIGERIA) How do you handle a situation in which you discover your spouse is into pornography?
(USA) Well, I’m not married but I’m with a guy who is in love with me and we’re going to have a baby but I can’t seem to let go of my ex…what should i do?
(USA) How does this relate to your spouse’s best friend, who is the same sex? You find out they have been going places and talking on the phone all the time and they have lied about a lot of things. Is it still emotional affair?
(USA) Hi Dea, If I understand this problem right, you may want to go into the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section and go into an article titled “Friendships and How They Influence a Marriage.” You may find some answers to the question you’re presenting here. When a friendship involves lying, there’s a problem. I hope this article and the links to other articles can help you discern what to do.
(UNITED STATES) My husband was calling another woman a month after I had a baby, then when I found out he grabbed the baby that I was breast feeding and hid with him at another woman’s house for 3 days. Then when we split up, he was seeing the one whose house he was at.
We have gotten back together but I have such a hard time with forgiveness, especially when he is very emotionally abusive regularly. And I just don’t know how to do what’s right for myself and for us when he has done the things he’s done and I have shut him out emotionally. I can’t help but get angry and upset when he starts being abusive and cussing me out. And really most of the time I feel like I hate him. The hardest part is doing what I know is right and should do when I don’t even like him and really don’t care.
(AUSTRALIA) My husband has been ‘texting’ this lady for what I believe to be 3 years now, but he still denies there is something going on. I recently found another one from a different person; he says it’s harmless but I don’t believe that. It suggests these are people who have been talking. Now I badly want to leave but I don’t know how. I have nothing. I have a little girl and have to consider her in all this; but I also feel I have had enough. What’s worse is he won’t talk to a professional or anybody. He claims they are just texts, he has never met her but her texts suggest otherwise.
I really am confused, hurt, angry and scared but I feel it’s time I make a choice. Where do I go though? I have no family here so I am all alone. I want to call her but what for, say what to her?
(USA) I’m so sorry Pee for the hurtful situation you find yourself in with your husband. My heart cries with yours over the pain this type of unfaithful behavior brings to you and your little girl.
As far as what you can do in rejecting your husband’s unfaithfulness, the first thing I would say is to pray. God, who is your Heavenly Father, is able to help you in ways that are unique. What I’ve seen is that when a husband doesn’t take care of his bride, our Heavenly Father will, if we just ask Him. It’s not that He will jump and do everything you ask in your way, but in His way and timing, He will take care of your every need. Just keep in mind that God’s goal is not to make you happy, but to make you whole and healthy as a child of God.
In this situation and in your life, please know that “everything our spouse does to us gives God the opportunity to root out the sin within us.” This does not excuse your husband’s actions. They are wrong. There is no doubt about that. Even if he didn’t have physical relationships with these women, he’s unfaithful emotionally. We are told in the Bible to “drink water from our own cistern.” Your husband is drinking in his entertainment from a well in which he has no business. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28). There are many, many other scriptural references that establish that when a spouse entertains another person at the expense of his or her spouse, it is wrong.
But none of this escapes God’s view. He has not interfered for a reason (mostly, I’m sure because He gives us freedom). But despite the pain of this, God can redeem and use that which hurts us. I encourage you to pray that God will help you to do what is right in all of this. Your husband is wrong in what he is doing, but you don’t want to follow his path of sinning in a different way as well.
I’m so sorry that you are hurting so much in this process. But please pray for wisdom. If God lets you know that separation is the way to best deal with your husband’s continual unfaithfulness (because it might lead him to repentance), then ask the Lord to show you who you can talk to that can help you. It could be a pastor or an agency of some type, a neighbor or a church member. But be careful of who you receive counsel from because some people may have good intentions to help you, but they are giving you faulty advice. Ask God for wisdom.
As far as talking to the other woman or women, really pray about that. It could do more damage than help (especially to your heart and spirit if she is unrepentant and continues in sinful behavior and attitudes). It would need to be led by the Holy Spirit for the specific purpose of helping Kingdom work rather than hurting it. Pray and see what God leads you to do about this. It may be that He wants you to pray and stay out of the way so He deals with this woman (and these women) without your interference. But God will let you know this as you earnestly pray.
Through all of this, keep your heart open for God to work in your husband’s heart and yours as well, to receive the work that God is doing. Never block out the possibility that God can “restore what the locusts have eaten.” If your husband remains unrepentant then ask God to help you not to grab onto bitterness and to extent the love He would give. God doesn’t condone or help us to sin, but He still loves us and longs for us to repent and get right with Him. Sometimes He does this at a distance, but it is still there. This is an example for us to follow.
Also, pray that God will lead you to community to have “someone with skin on” that will help you during this lonely time. We are born to be in community with God AND with others. But guard your heart. Don’t get close to someone of the opposite sex (or someone with a sinful outlook and lifestyle) because you are vulnerable. What can start out innocent can turn in a sinful direction. You are still married at this time, so no matter how unfaithful your husband is, keep true to your word and steer clear of entanglements of the opposite sex.
I pray that God will minister to your every need. I’m sure that many others are praying for you. Keep in mind that this web site can be a part of your community. Please use it and leave comments when you feel a need or a nudging by the Lord. Our love and prayers are with you.
(U.S) This site has helped me a lot. It has very useful advice. My husband has had an emotional relationship online with another female. He finally told me about it a week ago. He said it went on for a few months. I am hurting so much cause he truly is the love of my life. I want to work things out but it is so hard. He says he loves me and he will never talk to her again. I just have a hard time trusting him now. I have a hard time getting things out of my head. I love him but hate him for what he’s putting me through. I just don’t know how to get through this. I need help big time!!
(USA) Hi Alice, I truly understand where you are at this time. My husband had an emotional affair also. It was very hard because I have always trusted my husband. I also was not going to give my husband up to the person he was talking to. This is the time now you have to trust God. It is easy to trust God when things are going well, but it is during the trials that God asks us, " Do You Really Trust Me?". Psalms 118:8 says, "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man".
The way I was able to heal and forgive this emotional affair, was by trusting God. The only way I could trust my husband again was by trusting God. When my husband said he would not do it again, then I am trusting God and turning that over to God to handle. I cannot handle this only God can. When my mind wanders to where my husband is, is he with someone or is he talking with someone on the phone, then I pray to the Lord to take that thought away. When my husband’s phone rings I wonder for a second is he doing it again, but God takes that thought away just as fast as it came.
The article above was right on with what it says. I did have to see what need was I not fulfilling in my marriage that my husband was talking to someone else rather than me. I now make sure my husbands emotional, physical, and spiritual needs are met and by doing so, my husband meets my needs.
This was not an easy journey, but I took it day by day and day by day God lessened the hurt and pain and dimmed my mind’s negative view. Now my husband and I give this testimony as often as God has us to tell it. God’s Word cannot lie, so if we just follow what the Word tells us, we really will see how much easier it is.
(U.S.) Lori. This is Alice. I got your message on my comment. I want to thank you for your great advice. It helps knowing another woman has been through what I have. I am trying so hard to be happy in my marriage. I try to make my husband happy so he wants to be with me. I just hate my mind right now. I keep thinking about things.
We are people who always go to church. We are Christians and I know God is always there for us whenever we need him. I am having a hard time with all of this. I feel bad going to church now because I haven’t forgiven my husband. I don’t know when I will be able to.
I feel so betrayed. He thinks it’s not so bad cause he never had sex with her. She lives in another state. But it still hurts to know they talked about sex with each other and told each other their deepest thoughts. He even went as far as telling her he loves her. He says he never loved her.
I just feel like I am with a stranger now. We have been married for 13 yrs. Yes I want to stay together but I don’t know how to get through all this. It makes it even more difficult cause he leaves out stuff. Like I have been finding out bits and pieces here and there, instead of just laying it all out on the table for me. I think this way it makes it harder to heal.
God wants us to be forgiving and I feel I am letting him down. I just don’t know how to forgive him right now. I appreciate your advice and I hope you see this message. Thanks for caring enough to write me your message. I wish you the best of luck with your husband. I am glad you guys are working things out.
(CANADA) Hi Alice, nice to meet you. I don’t normally post any comments here but I thought I should after reading all that you’re going through. Lori has given you some great advice and I’ll just say I understand what you’re going through. I went through the same thing a few months ago with my husband. He had an affair with someone from work and they worked together 6 days a week. It was so hard coz at the same time he never wanted our marriage to work he wanted out.
I got down on my knees and what did I learn from God is that I wasn’t wife of the year. It was hard especially the days that he never came home. It was hard, they talked daily on the phone and he took her out a lot, bought her a Christmas gift, and all that stuff. I prayed so much and God worked on me more than anything else.
With the help of this website and everybody who prayed for me, God saved our marriage but my anger and hatred was still there. It got to a point where I never prayed coz like you, I was so ashamed to be before God coz unforgiveness is a sin. One day I got fed up and dropped to my knees and that was the beginning. I talked honestly to God and everyday I choose to forgive them and I know God is helping me.
I have days when those thoughts don’t get to me and at times they do. Remember the enemy knows your weakness. Pray for God to show you how to forgive and trust Him to do that. God wants you to speak to Him. Forgiveness is not a one time thing. It has many faces and when you forgive one thing, something happens that triggers something else. Write down all that you feel you need to forgive and pray for them each day. God loves you and He’ll set you free.
Read the Bible and don’t give up. You’ll be ok. I’ll pray for you gals a lot. I recommend you get the book PRAYING THROUGH THE DEEPER ISSUES OF MARRIAGE by STORMIE OMARTIAN. It has a good chapter on forgiveness. I hope to read from you soon. Love you lots and you’re in my prayers.
(U.S.) Thank you so much Anne! I hope you come on here again and see this. Thanks for all the helpful advice. I will try and see about getting that book. It is so crazy, I went looking up things one day not sure what I would find. I found this website. I am a christian so it’s so crazy to think how I ended up on this website. God is wonderful. I truly feel that he wanted me to find this cause I have gotten nothing but great advice.
It is so cool that people I don’t even know have commented on my messages and are trying to help me. I am so thankful to everyone who has helped me. My husband and I talked again last night and we are going to work things out.
He knows he hurt me very bad. I am so grateful that he never went as far as sleeping with her. He is very sorry and he said he wants to be with me and can’t live without me. It meant a lot to hear him tell me these things. He is a Christian too and he said the devil just got a hold of him. He said he knows he needs to get back to God.
I know God is able to make anything happen. I know he wants us to be together, he put us together for a reason. Meeting my husband is how I came to know God. I will always be grateful for that. My life has been turned upside down and I feel like why did God let this happen to me!! Who knows maybe it will make our marriage stronger then it ever was.
So I just want to say thank you to the woman out there who shared their own experiences with me. I will be forever grateful to you! Please keep the great advice coming. I am sure I have a long road ahead of me. I will be going through a lot of mixed emotions everyday. It has only been 3 weeks so far. Feels like 3 months. I know through God all things are possible. I just need to pray about it and see what he has for me.
(USA) Hi Alice, One other book that would be beneficial to both you AND your husband would be "His Needs, Her Needs – Affair Proof Your Marriage" by Dr. Willard Harley. It sounds as though your husband is in an accountable state of mind right now and would be open to reading it.
It breaks down how/why affairs can end up happening and puts it in an interesting format of the "love bank" and how spouses’ love banks can become bankrupt b/c one or both has put the marriage on the "back burner" in the sense that they start taking things for granted, life gets in the way, etc. etc.
The book breaks down affair type of situations in a very readable way and takes it a lot deeper than just "he/she wanted to be with someone else." It’s always deeper than that. I highly recommend it for you to read and your spouse. I think it will help you both not only heal (you’ll see what happened to him and he’ll feel like he isn’t the ONLY person to have ever fallen into that temptation) and it will also guide you both in moving on to the future with a healthier set of habits. Healing is necessary but so it going on to the future with a different set of habits otherwise the same things might keep happening over and over again.
Highly recommend it!! God bless, LT
(U.S.) Thanks LT. I am going to go to a Christian bookstore this weekend and try to find the books that you and Anne told me about. I have been writing my thoughts down on paper everyday. It helps me to express how I feel without yelling at my husband. He is already nervous to come home from work each day cause he doesn’t know what to expect from me. I know he is sorry. It is just it will still take time for me. I am still going to have hard days. I need him to keep proving to me he loves me. I feel a little insecure.
I know I need to get closer to God again. I have just felt so guilty for how I have acted. I mean I am usually someone who never cusses but I have found that I have been more then ever. I just have had days so bad that I couldn’t control it. I just need to get to the point where I turn to God and trust in him again. I know he has always been there for me. I know he is very real.
I have read from someone though that it is okay to have days when I get mad or sad. They say it helps to heal. So for now I just feel like I need to do that or I will go crazy. I hope it doesn’t last long. Just please, whoever reads my messages, just pray for me to get to the point where I can trust my husband again, and to be able to forgive. Thanks.
(CANADA) Hi Alice how you doing? I’m glad that you’re gonna get those books. I need to get the one LT recommended, I’ve heard about it but never got it. I’m sorry about your bad days but they’ll happen trust me, I’ve gone through them and still do. It’s good that you’re writing your thoughts down coz I started journaling when my husband and I had issues and it helps coz you write down all that you feel.
I know how hard it gets during those hard days. Just remember to pray and tell God how you feel. Yes, I let myself feel whatever it was that I was feeling but keep in mind that God doesn’t want us to sin in our anger and also remember that there’s a time to speak and a time to be silent. It’s hard sometimes to just keep quiet but it helps to keep the peace.
I still have days when those thoughts come in my mind and I wonder if they still talk and that’s when all that they did comes in my mind and I get angry. Now all I do is pray and ask the Holy spirit to direct my thoughts. You should actually thank God coz your husband was remorseful. Mine wasn’t and he told me that… I was broken but I prayed and let God deal with it.
I’ll pray for you a lot and pray for me too. If you see your husband doing something to make up for it, commend him, keeping in mind that it’s all your prayers and the prayers of others working. I know we’ll get through this. We just need to be patient and continue trusting God with everything. Loads of love, talk to you soon.
(U.S.) Hi Anne, thanks for writing me back. Yes I can’t wait to get those books. My husband hates reading but if I read it to him he’ll be fine. I think he’ll be okay with it cause he will know it’s important to me. I do believe he is truly sorry. I do believe too that he won’t do it again. He at least did not go too far with her. He actually met her online. That’s how they got to know each other. He hasn’t been on the computer at all since. He is already proving to me that I am important.
He told me to give him some credit cause he did come to me and tell me. He said he felt terrible he let it go that far. The other lady really got attached to him. She was telling him she loves him and everything. He said he never loved her. He has always just loved me and wanted me. I’ll admit we weren’t spending time together as much as we should. I know men need that physical attention. I was just going through a difficult time in my life.
I know now that I need to be more available to him. I need to focus not only on my needs, but his as well. I love being with him. I just went through a time where I guess I was feeling depressed. It made me feel unattractive and stuff. Well, he makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I know we will work things out. He is trying very hard. We actually have a date night tonight. I am not sure what we will do but just having time alone without the kids will be great.
Thanks for praying for us. I will definitely do the same for you. It feels good to know that other people out there care. I am so glad that I found this website.
I will keep you updated. I am very excited for tonight. I think the alone time will help us to focus on each other and how we truly feel about each other.
(USA) Hi Alice, Can I make a suggestion about where to go on your date? The movie “Fireproof” is a great movie to go to — men enjoy it as well as women. We have a link provided on the Home Page so you can view a few clips of it. You will find the link provided in the “Fireproof Discussion Page.”
Also, for additional ideas for other times, you can go to the “Romantic Ideas” section of the web site. You’ll find all kinds of things listed there and links to other web sites that can help you even further. I pray your date goes well. May God go with you
(KENYA) It’s is nice to know that there are many resources that help one deal with emotional infidelity. I happened to go through my partners phone and found messages of him exchanging good night hugs (physical intimacies) via text messages to someone he says is just a friend. What is truly shocking to me is that he was so mad about me going through his phone. I believe this is because he has been carrying on such kind of inappropriate texting for a while now.
I feel betrayed because he professes how honest he is. According to me if this friend was as innocent as he says, he would have told me about it. He is the kind who does not even want me to show up at his work place let alone introduce me to his female friends. It has been close to five days since I found out and I am seriously thinking of quitting. I have never involved myself emotionally or otherwise with any other man since I got into this relationship let alone think it. It’s a very painful thing to find out that the one you love is involved emotionally with another and even worse that he can carry secret meetings and messages with this other person. I feel very betrayed.
(US) I am an 55-year-old ESL tutor who truly fell into an emotional affair by accident, with a 50-year old student. This man is not physically attractive to me and I’m sure I am not physically attractive to him (gray hair, overweight, etc)! We just really enjoyed each other’s company and we were both lonely (he’s divorced and my husband travels a lot).
One day I suddenly realized how much this student meant to me (we had started telling each other our life stories, seeking advice from each other, and confiding problems) and then he indicated a wish to get together "as friends" (I know he meant it only that way) outside of tutoring sessions. I really wanted to meet with him but felt guilty.
It started to make me feel crazy, as I have strict beliefs about marital faithfulness, so I went to a counselor who advised me to terminate the relationship. I did quietly resign as his tutor citing schedule issues and I also told my husband that I had resigned because I felt uncomfortable with the student’s request that we get together. I did not tell my husband that I struggled with wanting to get closer with the student — so I guess there’s more fessing up to do at some point.
Frankly I’m hoping I do not have to ever do that, as it would hurt my husband that I’d even consider getting close to someone else, and he might go from being rarely available to totally gone. Interestingly, since I mentioned all this to him, my husband has become very attentive and frisky — maybe because he got a little jealous — not necessarily a bad thing for an old lady like me!
(USA) Could you email me this page? It happens and unless someone doesn’t have eyes to see anything, it could be considered infidelity.
(USA) Hi Remy, You can actually do this yourself. After each article you will find an “EMAIL/PRINT” section. You can email the link for any page to yourself or to a friend, or you can click on “Print” where a printer-friendly page will come up for you to print. Or you can simply make a copy of this page as it is and copy it in the content of an email and send it to yourself or a friend. I hope this helps.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has had sexting/texting affairs– 2 years ago I caught him in a texting/email affair –and of course his gaining my trust back has been hard. I found out 3 weeks ago he is texting another woman and she has sent him pictures of herself–in her bra and breasts. He also looks at porn on the internet of woman. We have 4 kids and I am only 36. I still love my husband and want to save my marriage. I have been to a Christian counselor and when I confront him I want us to go to counseling –if he agrees.
I have prayed about this for about 2 years now and now I am not sure what God wants for our marriage. He is not saved and doesn’t know God very well. I am scared. I don’t want to be divorced. I think he has an addiction–like sex/porn addiction. I think he is sick– please pray for me and my husband!! Thanks.
(UNITED STATES) My husband began talking to other woman online about a year after our little girl was born. He says he began because other men at his work were doing it and he began so not to feel left out. I really didn’t think there was anything going on for a long time.
I did notice a change in him, but the change didn’t come until about 7 months into his cheating. I found a picture of his intimates being sent out to another woman and when I confronted him he said he had no idea, that that picture was meant for me. He begged and begged and I forgave him.
But then a month later on vacation I discovered a phone number and I called it. When I confronted him about it he denied it. I cried my heart out and he said i was just blowing things out of proportion. I had no idea how long this had been going on until i discovered a text that read “do you still want to continue this relationship”. Then everything blew up!!! Even when this one blew up he didn’t come fwd about the past year.
He currently is deployed but I have such a hard time dealing w/ his infidelity that when we do talk, all I do is argue w/ him. It isn’t fair or healthy to him or me and I feel bad because he is deployed, at war. i just need someone to vent to, to hear me out.