The following are quotes from various resources for those of you who are dealing with an emotionally distant spouse or maybe you ARE an emotionally distant spouse and you will find benefit in reading what others have to tell you. We pray these quotes will benefit your marriage.
• Each of us will suffer at different points in our lives, and when we are married, we are committed to sharing in the pain of another person. For that reason, we need to look to our commitment and to our marriage vows for strength, stability, and endurance —especially when feelings of love aren’t as strong as they once were. (H. Norman Wright, One Marriage Under God)
• Just because a man answers, “I don’t know”, doesn’t make him relationally challenged. Men speak a different language that has been demeaned, belittled, and just plain assaulted over the past 10,000 years (give or take a few thousand years).
It is well assumed that women are better relationally than men, but I believe it is time to start saying that women are different relationally than men. It’s not that men are poor relationally, we’re just different, special, if you will.
The reason the majority of men give the typical response of, “I don’t know”, is that we are intimidated. The guys way, of relating has been so criticized that we have lost our confidence to relate to women. What your husband won’t tell you as that, “I’m afraid I’ll say something wrong and get blasted for it.” That’s it! Most men fear failure, and when it comes to loving like a woman, we feel like failures. So we end up avoiding it at all cost, many times, at the cost of our marriage. (Michael Smalley, www.smalleyonline.com)
• “WE NEED TO TALK.” Why do we fear these four little words? Why do they arouse the same physical protective responses that occur in life threatening situations? She says: “We need to talk.” He hears: “I want to rip you open emotionally and describe all the ways in which you are a failure.” This should take about four hours and afterwards I will probably not be speaking to you and certainly not touching you. (Okay, I may be exaggerating this terror a bit, or perhaps not.) When feeling threatened or attacked, our fight-or-flight response steps in to protect us. (Don Ferguson, “Reptiles in Love: Ending Destructive Fights and Evolving Toward More Loving Relationships”)
• Men who are faced with constant criticism give up. The friction they find when they come home drives them deeper into the sports page and ties them more passively than ever to the TV. Solomon gave up. We detect his hopeless attitude toward the contentious women in his life in Proverbs 27:16: “He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.” Most men will do anything to avoid confrontation.
When confronted at home with never-ending conflict, a man will appear to sound the retreat. Only is it seldom a real retreat. Often, it’s an advance in a new direction. He chooses to work late, and so, avoids confrontation. At least at the office he’s in control. It’s wonderful to be at a job where things can be made to happen. He likes the joy of picking up the phone, punching a number and enjoying instant respect. He knows who he is and that he’s in charge. (James Walker, from the book, Husbands Who Won’t Lead and Wives Who Won’t Follow)
• The single best day in every marriage is when two partners take responsibility for their part of the pie. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, I Love You More, pg. 119)
• Once a husband and wife, together take responsibility for the good as well as the bad in their relationship a small seedling of hope is planted. Its tiny roots are found in a rich soil, free from negative thinking about what somebody should have done or what somebody didn’t do. It is a seedling that, in time, will sprout optimism. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, I Love You More, pg. 120)
• Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life, and any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value. Perhaps God designed marriage to make us holy even more than to make us happy. I’m not suggesting that God has anything against happiness, or that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive, but looking at marriage through the lens of holiness began to put marriage in a new perspective for me. In fact, it has led me to believe that couples don’t really fall “out of love.” I think it’s more precise to say they fall out of repentance. What usually happens is that we let little vices— like impatience, disrespect, selfishness, pride, and anger— pollute a once-precious relationship. Instead of letting marriage draw us into holiness, we let it draw us into bitterness and accusation. Here’s the kicker: a lot of people want out of a relationship not only because they no longer “love” their spouse. The truth is, they despise what they themselves have become and want a new start with someone who hasn’t seen them at their worst. But changing partners isn’t the answer—changing ourselves is. (Gary Thomas, from the article, The Transforming Miracle of Marriage, as posted on www.ncfliving.org)
• One of the most moving speeches we’ve ever heard was given by President Ronald Reagan. He was standing in front of the wall that had divided East and West Germany for many years. As he concluded, his voice thundered with passion and he issued this challenge: “Mr. Gorbachev, bring down this wall!” Not long after that message, the wall came down. It was a great historical moment, captured forever on film and in the hearts of all who saw it. Some walls are invisible, but they can be just as divisive. The worst is a wall that is silently put in place by a wife or husband because of unmet expectations. This wall can be nearly impossible to bring down—unless, of course, God steps in. (From the book, “The Best Think I Ever Did for My Marriage”, compiled by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby)
• MEN: When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her. If you’re like most guys, when you have a lot of thinking to do—even if there’s no conflict—you need time alone to process things. Most women we heard from react exactly the opposite—only 9 percent wanted to handle their feelings of insecurity alone. (Which is also why, when you two are at odds and you most want to get away to process in silence, she most wants to talk.) So state your need in the context of hers: “Honey, right now I just need some time alone—I’m just out of sorts. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you.” That will make it much easier for her to let you ave space without misinterpreting your need. (Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, from the book “For Men Only … A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women)
• Some spouses were often giving during the early days of the marriage, but under the influence of numerous types of stress, the emotional wounds of mistrust from childhood and adolescence emerged. These individuals then begin to pull away or to criticize their spouse in an unconscious attempt to distance him/her. Other important factors which lead a spouse to withdraw love and giving are various hurts during the course of the marriage which lead to the development of a fear of vulnerability, anger and sadness. (Richard Fitzgibbons, article titled, “The Emotionally Distant Spouse” as featured on the web site, Marital Healing.com)
• Men, If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space—she needs a hug. When our wife is upset, we do what we do with other guys: We give her space to work things out. But with very few exceptions, when women are upset they don’t want space. They want a hug. I think this next comment is one of the most valuable “just do this” quotes in the book:
“All I want is him to know that half the time I’m just as confused as he is. Instead of getting upset and leaving me alone to ‘calm down,’ I just want him to come close and give me a huge hug and let me know he loves me and wants me to feel better again.” (Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, from the book “For Men Only … A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women)
• Each day I am confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over. When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general, and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism. (Dr Willard F. Harley, from the article, “Why Men Leave” which can be read in its entirety at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/printer_friendly.cfm?recno=9&sublink=66)
• Emotional stability and satisfaction are important to every human being. If the wife hangs all her feelings out to her husband in the hope that he will somehow validate them without being told to do so, that woman is setting herself up for disappointment. She must enlist other allies, same-sex friends who can understand the parts of her that he may never understand. She, and you, cannot afford to hinge emotional stability entirely upon any one person’s responses. People are simply too diverse. (Dr Les Carter, from the book, “Distant Partner”)
• It’s probably not the case that your husband withdraws from arguments out of being indifferent or uncaring. Chances are, he’s flooded with emotions that he doesn’t like and has allowed to build up. Some emotions he’s afraid of, and he feels ashamed of his inability to express them. When he does express them, they may come out fragmented or disorganized, the way someone speaks in a foreign language when not fluent. Finding the right words can feel exhausting; he’s also trying to gauge whether you’re okay, he’s digging himself into a hole, or he’s about to be attacked. Describing what he feels is sometimes hard. He will disengage if he feels you are waiting to ounce on his every word.
We’ve heard frustrated wives describe such men as “stupid.” Whether or not someone is disadvantaged or underdeveloped, telling him he’s dumb is cruel and disrespectful. Doing so will only create or exacerbate an unsafe, disharmonious environment. Ask yourself: What’s my goal? If it’s to prove that he’s wrong, you will probably be trying to prove his guilt and bring him down. If it’s to come together, to be understood and known and embraced and love, bring open heart and open arms. Don’t use honey-we-need- to-talk as an outlet to get a pound of flesh. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book “Married But Not Engaged”)
• What are the four most intimidating words in a couple’s vocabulary? “We need to talk.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
• Many women prefer to deal with conflict by talking it out, only to find that their husbands prefer to withdraw—which the wives find maddening. Occasionally it’s the opposite, with the wife doing the avoiding. A number of reasons for these scenarios have been suggested. The wife may be better with language, better at articulating her thoughts and making cogent arguments. The husband may feel overwhelmed by the onslaught of her verbiage. Rather than “lose” in a straightforward exchange of opinion—which may seem unmanly—he may find it easier to disengage. He may view conflict as a battle if he has to fight with verbal weapons. Another possibility: The avoiding partner may have grown up in a home where one parent verbally abused the other. The avoiding partner may fear that any hint of disagreement will escalate into a painful war of words—and try very hard to stay away from conflict. (Phillip J. Swihart, a contributing author to the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Keep in mind that it’s best not to judge another by your own communication style. What is typical and comfortable for you may not be for your partner. An example would be that most women show concern by following up a person’s statement with a question about it. Women are used to this and comfortable with it. But if a man changes the subject, she may view this as indifference. “After all, if he was sensitive, he would follow up with some questions about what I said,” she thinks. But that’s not the typical response for many men. Not asking additional questions could be his way of showing respect for her privacy or independence. For a man, asking questions could be viewed as pushy, intrusive, or unnecessary. Most men tend to feel more comfortable speaking in public than in private, intimate conversations. With most women it’s just the opposite. Women enjoy private, one-on-one conversations because they are more personal, intimate, and they build relationships. (From the book, How to Change Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage, by Norman H. Wright and Gary Oliver)
• Through my communion with God I have learned how to read [my husband] Mark. He still often retreats inwardly when the pressures of being a pastor, author, and speaker accumulate, but I have learned not to take his withdrawal personally; instead, I lift him to God. God often shows me little ways to bless him, to help him see we’re in this together, to let him know I love him and support him. So the best thing I ever did for my marriage i continue to do every day: I speak few words to Mark first thing. Instead, I fill my early mornings talking—and listening—to the One in heaven who cherishes me. He fills me and shows me how to interact with the one on earth who cherishes me. (Cheryl Buchanan, a contributing author to the book, “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage”)
• I think there’s a great difference between a husband not wanting to talk about work and a husband simply not wanting to talk to his wife. A lot of men feel a need for escape from their jobs when they come home in the evening. They’re tense, tired, and what they look for is an entirely opposite environment. To even think about the office brings back the tension. It’s more work to rehash the day’s activities. Now, maybe it would be good for your husband to talk about work some evenings. But don’t start with that subject. Gently pull him away from it; then, if it seems he might be willing to reflect on his day, ease him into it that way. (Jay Kesler, from the book, “Family Forum”)
• Something wonderful happens in a woman’s heart when she takes her eyes off of her husband and her circumstances and places them on the Lord. We know for a fact that God can turn hearts of stone into hearts of flesh (See Ezekiel 11:19; 36:26). His Word tells us that, and we can testify that it has occurred in our own lives. If you’re letting your differences with your mate eat away at you, you’re headed to a place you don’t want to go. Let go of thinking your ways are better than his. As you do, you’ll find yourself moving in a different direction—you will have veered off the road to bitterness and onto the pathway to joy. And that’s a trip worth taking. (The Best Thing I ever Did for My Marriage, with Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby)
• Bad things happen to good marriages when we expect our partner to think, feel and behave the way we want them to. Each unrealistic expectation is like a link in a heavy chain that increasingly binds us to a disappointing marriage. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, from the book, “Building Better Marriages in Oklahoma”)
• Having different attitudes toward talking doesn’t mean there is something wrong with either spouse, that anyone was deceived, or that marriage is hopeless. Relating to each other is not a technique we’re born with. It’s like a muscle that needs to be developed over time—and massaged when it hurts. (Romie Hurley, contributing author to the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Not every husband can be turned into a sparkling conversationalist. But the surest way to get him to talk is to find out what he wants to talk about. If you can discover those areas, he might start opening up more. (Jay Kesler, from the book, “Family Forum”
• One of the hardest things for couples to learn is to lay down their lives for each other (see John 15:13) in the mundane world of daily living (see Romans 12:1). Learning to understand the needs of a spouse who talks less or more than you do requires sacrifice. It means not demanding your rights, and loving another as you love yourself. But these are things we can do because God promises to help us by His Holy Spirit if we ask. It’s easy to get discouraged when all you hear from your spouse is silence. It may seem that things are hopeless, but you can gain new perspective through prayer, reading the Bible, or seeking counsel from a pastor or therapist. (Romie Hurley, a contributing author for the book “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
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(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you to the Team for this website. I and my husband have been married for 16 years now. My husband is a very silent person and when he talks he would talk about the general things happening in the world that are in some instances too negative instead of talking about our relationship and God, how much he loves me, our goals in Christ and in general and so on etc. I am the one who must wake him up in the morning for prayer all the time or initiate devotion time for us. He does not care about how the next person feels and is full of himself.
I have been praying about this for many years, perhaps it is time for me to start a prayer group for married women. I trust the Lord to guide me in this situation and help me overcome it.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Your website is really a blessing. I almost messed up my marriage by walking away due to lack of knowledge. My husband is not a good communicator at all. Reading your articles I now understand a lot more about men. I am very open with my feelings and speaking and he just cannot do that. There is also a sexual intimacy problem that he feels is not necessary to seek help for. It’s been this way for a very long time. What do I do other than have an extra marital affair? I am reborn and know that is not the route to take. I pray daily for a break through in this area. My spouse has a drinking problem and does not share my need for wanting to hear the word all the time he is more of a Sunday Service Christian. When I watch TBN in the evening he gets upset because he wants to watch secular TV. With all the vulgarity it sickens me to my stomach and we end up arguing about it. He is very secretive about his life and feels I don’t need to know his comings and goings and have no right to invade his privacy. What can I do?
(NIGERIA) Sweetheart, Thank God you read these articles. I would suggest you resort to personal prayers and also take a deep reflection of your own attitude toward his inadequacies. You must have an encouraging attitude while trusting God in prayers to make your guy’s life give HIM glory. You must not give up on him. Love ya, Tina.
(ZIMBABWE) I’m happy to have discovered this site. I can relate to it so easily. The problems that have been highlighted are similar to the ones that I sometimes face. I’m looking forward to more interactive issues.
(NIGERIA) Your seriousness is my concern & reply!
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 20 years, he has had an extra marital affair, in which I have forgiven him. But now he is drinking and has turned so far away from me that I feel I have no chance of resolving whatever problems it is we are having. I try to talk to him and he says there is nothing to talk about. Like Pat from South Africa, we also have sexual intimacy problems. In so many words no sex now for 3 months actually.
He could be having an affair again, really not for sure because I said I wasn’t going through what I went through before to have to find out. I love him more than anything in this world and every time I think of losing him, the only thing I can do is just sit and cry. What can I do when I have tried everything I know to try?
What do you do when they in no way shape or form will even discuss getting counseling?
(USA) I am going through the same thing with my husband. I feel that he is cheating but I don’t know what to do. He has left home and I want him back. But it seems that he does not want to come home. I know that I have done wrong things by telling him that I didn’t care but I figured this would make him want to do more with me and the family. I guess I was also wrong for putting him down but I get so angry with him because I don’t know whats going on with him.
He does not answer the phone when I call. He has an excuse for not answering. He does not understand that this makes me feel that there is someone else but he says not. He is always asking me if I have found someone and that makes me feel that this is what he has done. I have been with him for 9 years and married 5. I really just want us to try and work it out with spiritual counseling.
(ZIMBABWE) I am glad that I found his website today and have found it beneficial. I’m feeling the distance that is beginning in my relationship with my hubby. I love him so much though, I put the food on the table daily. I’ve been furious with him with the way that spends the money that I bring home. I asked him and he apologized and he said that he is going to improve. I’m so hurt that I was starting to distance myself from him. Now i feel i should accommodate him, and maybe get him to tell me exactly what is in his mind and why he acts the way that he does. I want our marriage to work. I’ve just realised that I have not prayed about it. What else should i do in this case?
(USA) Jenny, Hey girl Check out the power of a praying wife on this site. It’s been a tremendous help in my life. Also just because you husband won’t get counseling doesn’t mean that you can’t go and talk with someone by yourself. Trust me it helps. Also try taking this time to get close with GOD. Instead of worrying about what your husband may or may not be doing, pray to GOD. Spend time getting close to him again. Pray for your husband even though you don’t want to. Check out Power of a Praying Wife. It’s really an awesome article and the ladies there are very helpful. Good Luck Jenny, GOD bless. LOVE, LYNNE
(RSA) I’m so thankful to God for discovering this website & I believe it is an answer. T.D. Jakes says "Nothing just happens". I’m have a same story as Pat in SA. My case is different though coz he is my fiance not a husband. Sometimes I’m not sure whether I should go on with the marriage. My only worry is my boy who will grow up without a father. I am a born again Christian but I made a mistake on the way and these are the consequences. I decided to go back to God, as life without Him life is so empty. The information besides anything, is sharpening my mind and empowering.
Women of God, I was told that wisdom is the ability to apply the information that you have. Stop wailing, God knew you before you were born & he saw everything that you will go thru and yet he chose you. He called you His daughter and saw fit that you would be called by His name. He saw the ability in you, you can do it. Love always.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Keep on the good work, May God richly bless you and increase your capacity, ability and willingness to empower others. We thank God for the institution of marriage, we believe in it. We are willing to trust Him and work hard for the success of our marriages. We believe that godly marriages will produce a godly generation. Websites like these are good as they empower us to stand and take our positions strategically in a society that has lost the understanding of what marriage stands for. In a society that now, because of lack of understanding, stands to destroy everything that marriage was created to build, may God through websites like these, build marriages and empower his people.
(KENYA) Thank you women of Zion for your comments and contribution. I have experienced similar problems like you over my 12 years of marriage, from unfaithfulness, sex deprivation. He is very withdrawn, sulky, moody and many are the times when I tell our son to do something, he tells him not to. Our son is only 10 years old. Unlike many women, he is the one who brings that statement "lets talk" and 99% of the time even if the mistake is his, he blames me for it.
I find strength in the Lord and His Word, like my friend – when I watch TBN or Gods TV, he switches off and watches football, yet he is a Sunday church goer and "saved". I am not happy in my marriage. Many times I feel I would be better alone, separated or widowed. I always comfort myself that I would not lose much. In fact, in this day and time of HIV AIDS, I comfort myself that I am better off without him, but I know that’s not God’s plan. Therefore I am waiting, praying and seeking God for His Grace and direction because I know that God is my ultimate husband. WHAT DO I DO?
(NIGERIA) My Sister, I believe the first healing will come from your making up your mind to forgive your husband. Ask God for grace. When you sincerely forgive and be the change you want, God in his faithfulness will touch his heart and every other thing will fall in place. All the best.
(USA) I understand that men need to be appreciated and adored and also that they communicate differently than women …but once again, we women are expected to "understand" these things and do the right thing to bring them out of it and/or enable them to actually communicate at all about anything other than weather or sports.
When will someone actually expect the men to "get over themselves" for a few minutes and "try" to understand and communicate with women? It’s always the women who have to do all the compassionate understanding the guiding. Are men so emotionally weak and uncaring that they are not expected to do anything they don’t want to do?
My husband actually did me a huge favor and accompanied me to a Christmas celebration in our town. This was the first time we’ve been anywhere together for more than 10 years because in his culture (West Indian) men are considered to be weak and feminine if they are seen in public enjoying their wife’s company!! Well, he spent the entire evening walking a good distance behind me, like a guard dog. Any time I slowed down and waited for him to catch up to me – he stopped where he was and just stood there waiting for me to move again. It was as if he was embarrassed to be seen enjoying himself in public with his wife!
Ours is a cross-racial/cross-cultural marriage of 20 years duration. In all that time, he has not picked up on or understood anything I’ve ever said to him about what I need from him as his wife (his culture rarely marries, but "breeds" with myriad partners, whom they never marry). His idea of a good husband is one who comes home every night – even if it’s the next morning. He resents being home with me and considers it a big sacrifice of his "man" time, which is a totally private part of his life.
Well, the girlfriends float up to the surface of the cesspool occasionally and he’s extremely proud of his manhood because of them. He brags to me about them and sees nothing wrong or immoral with having girlfriends – although he insists the women would NEVER, EVER come around me. He doesn’t connect the idea of sneaking around and committing adultery constitutes anything other than his right as a man. It’s me that has the problem.
My point is this: Women need to stop treating their sons like they were born as Jesus reincarnate and start to SHOW them that it’s a good and manly thing to CARE about others, especially their wives and daughters. I’m real tired of hearing about how "disabled" men are emotionally. Their mothers (or whoever it was that raised them) need to stop growing men who can’t express themselves and don’t care.
Too many excuses for men and too much work for women. It’s grossly unbalanced and merely enables men to be emotional wimps. It’s time to stop making excuses for men who are too lazy for the emotional work required to plow through life and it’s also time for women to stop doing it for them. God must be so embarrassed by men’s inability or unwillingness or disinterest in becoming fully human, compassionate, loving, beings.
I know it’s gotten pretty boring trying to drag our men through life, like dead cows on the end of a chain. Men can do better, now that they know better. And, if they don’t, it’s only because they don’t care. As far as needing to feel appreciated and loved – don’t we all? Women AND Men. My husband makes me feel like the caretaker of a teenager with Downs Syndrome. And I suppose I make him feel like a dunce. If the shoe fits…
(USA) Lynda, First off, communication is a two way street. So I agree, there has to be balance. But with that said, you come across as that men should have to communicate the way women want to, in a way that women want to. You sound as if the way men communicate is inferior to the way women do.
So I have to ask, why did you marry a guy who doesn’t meet your standards of communication? I’m assuming you are not happy with the communication, yet you chose to marry him.
I think it’s rather insulting they way you approach your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs here. You call for men to get over themselves and you call them emotionally weak. Perhaps it’s this attitude that encourages your men (and others) to remain closed to communication. Who in their right mind would open up further if they are verbally beaten in this fashion?
I don’t think men are disabled emotionally. I think your husband does behave poorly. However, this cannot be much of a surprise given the culture. Yet I also see that you want him to come to your side of the argument, and I see little if any understanding for the cultural mores that he was raised with.
I don’t agree with the affairs, etc. Still, I think you are missing the boat if you are comparing all men to your husband.
I do like your ideas about how to treat sons, since in the US most absent fathers are absent because the mother kicked them out. Only a minority of those cases involve abuse or infidelity on his part. It is just as likely mom is unfaithful as dad is. I think women need to start treating both husbands and sons correctly.
You see, with 67-75% of all divorces being initiated by women, and as I said before, men are no more unfaithful than women, after all if they are unfaithful, it’s not with another man, men are being sent the message that their contributions to the family are not valued.
So combine that with the messages that men are emotionally, verbally and relationally inferior and I’m amazed that men will even choose to be married in this day and age.
Now add in a devaluation of the work men do and you begin to see why men do less and less. No appreciation for what they do, or who they are. We don’t work enough, we don’t communicate correctly, we don’t have the right emotions, we are not nurturing enough. You begin to understand why men have seemed to give up. What we do either isn’t right, or doesn’t meet a standard, or is so far outside of who we are that if we were to meet that standard, chances are we would no longer be men.
I’ve had a theory for a while that is bolstered by home improvement shows. These shows are typically targeted at women. I think many women see their husbands as little more than another home improvement project. If she can fix him, then things will be OK.
Who wants to be fixed? (double entendre OK here) How is that going to make a spouse feel loved, cherished, etc?
I think much of the problem is men DO express themselves and when they do, they are told to stop being so (fill in the blank)
Men are not emotionally lazy. But they will avoid the criticism such as what is displayed in your post. Frankly, what you write, borders on verbal abuse. You engage in put downs, disrespectful judgments, gross generalizations, and the idea that your views are superior to those of the men you are criticizing.
I hear that you are frustrated. However, being frustrated doesn’t give you the right to verbally beat up on an entire gender merely because you believe you have a bad husband.
If he is having affairs, then why are you with him? You are free to go. He’s not Christian, he’s not faithful and he doesn’t live up to your standards. So what is keeping you in this miserable marriage?
Or you can keep on doing what you are doing, being critical of how he and apparently how you believe other men fail to express themselves. Thus you are ensuring that this man and perhaps many others, will be sure to avoid expressing anything of emotional value to you because it’s not safe for them to be emotionally honest with you.
It’s not that men have to express emotions like women or women like men. Instead each of you need to learn how to recognize when your spouse is expressing those emotions. Instead of just assuming (wrongly) that if emotions are not expressed in your language that they don’t exist or are inferior.
What you’ve written here is the equivalent to the parent who tells her child he will never amount to anything. As long as you believe this, with respect to expressing emotions, men around you will continue to hide their emotions and continue to live up to your expressed views of these men.
After all, who wants to be thought of as a dead cow (a rather inconsiderate and thoughtless image considering your husband is from India BTW) or a teen with Downs Syndrome? It doesn’t seem you are living up to your standard of being fully human, compassionate and loving when you wrote this. It appears you don’t hold yourself to the standards you expect others to follow.
Why would anyone seek to meet that standard when it is apparent you don’t meet it either?
(USA) Thank you for shining a light on my pain of the past two years – the length of time my husband has been having his third obvious affair. And, you’re right … why don’t I leave him, if our values are so different? Well, my friend, 20 years is a long time and there is a cross cultural dynamic that I’ve still not got a good understanding of. And, my husband is not from India … he is from a small island in the Caribbean – so the reference to a dead cow is not offensive as if he were an Indian.
I have come through the most hellish time in my entire life, and unfortunately, I’m angry still. He refuses to discuss anything about his affair, and discounts the pain and emotional devastation that has occurred in me. He has never shown a moment of remorse or concern for how his actions have affected me, while professing to love me while he refuses to stop communicating with this "woman" and she won’t stop either.
I’m 64 years old and frightened. His "outside woman" calls me and says things like, "I’m a good woman and I’m having sex with your husband because you’re too old to be any good at it!" He defends her right to do this, because "you know how people say things when they’re mad".
I don’t know why I stay, but I haven’t got enough money to leave either. I guess I’m just hoping to die before this goes on much longer. Enough is enough, and I deserve a kinder companion than this. I’ve been totally devoted to him since the day we met over 20 years ago.
When we met he had a pair of stolen airline socks in a paper sack … and nothing else. He’s an uneducated man from the Third World – but he was kind and attentive and like a sponge to learn when we met. He also adored me and I found his innocence to be sweet and lovable and I adored him too, in spite of our different cultures. He was proud of me and I was proud of him … no more.
He’s embarrassed to be married to an old "white woman" and the black women he "hangs with" reinforce this at every opportunity. He’s treating me like his caretaker and he deserves everything and more, that I work so hard for and share with him. All I want is a loving companion to share my life with. That’s what he wants too – the difference is, he’s waiting for me to provide everything and be everything, while he sits there in silence or sleeps on the couch.
He absolutely cannot communicate at all unless he’s angry. When he’s angry he’s never at a loss for words … and you can imagine what he says then. I never hear anything positive about me from his mouth … never. It’s anger, or nothing. I know I come across as judgmental and angry, but, until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes – your judgment of me is no more compassionate than mine is of him.
Love IS the answer, but it’s buried under a huge mound of deceit, lies, cruelty and indifference. It has colored how I see men in general, I’m afraid. I’m not as gross as I seem to have come across … just beaten down and sad.
(INDIA) I am a married Indian women and I have a 1 1/2 yr old daughter. My hubby is very loving and honest, but he never tries to show his love towards us he only keeps it in his heart. He is very religious and always stays silent and is thinking something. He limits his talking. He is not in a good post in comparison to his qualification. He had tried for good jobs but he failed. He always thinks negative and stays upset. My in-laws thinks that I am responsible for his condition. I had tried a lot to change him but I failed. Sometimes I think that he is going far away from me. I don’t know what to do. Please suggest to me what to do.
(SOUTH AFRICA) It is sad to say that I am in the same boat as Stella (comment no. 1); she is absolutely right. I think that all married women should get together a pray for their husbands, because I think that they are spiritually weak and that is why the devil uses them as a tool to destroy the peace in our homes. Thank you very much for the words of encouragement.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband dedicates a lot of his time to his friends that are unmarried. We both work away from home and only get together on weekends and on public holidays. In the little time that we have, he gets home early hours of the morning especially on Fridays. When I initially talked to him about this he showed remorse and promised to stop. He stopped for a while and I enjoyed having him around. It felt good being married to him.
He started his habits again. I spoke to him about it, he got angry and said he doesn’t know what I want from him and he didn’t want to talk about it.
Now I feel that he is never going to change, in fact I need to do something about myself. I love my husband, but I feel alone as he is hardly there as a partner. Please help me, how do I make him see that this is destroying our relationship?
(USA) I found this web site just in time. I have been married for 20 years, My husband is cycling again. He is emotionally distant and withdrawn. Because of his work he will be out of the home for 1 year. Problems you name it, we have experienced. I feel that I have forgiven him and I pray that God molds this marriage to fit his plan. But here we are again, communication feels forced even with countries between us. How do we continue? I hope that this site gives me the tools to forgive, love and move forward following God’s path.
(USA) Hi Vero, I have experienced a long distance relationship and must say it can be a nightmare.
We would quarrel about how much time we were spending apart and not speaking enough on the phone. I wanted to speak to him everyday but he didn’t think it was necessary and we ended up having silent telephone conversations because “there was nothing new to talk about”. That’s when we sort of agreed to skip a day and write emails in between.
I used to go mad when his phone went to voicemail or when he returned my call late, if at all. We were not married then but he is the guy I am married to now. Now that I live with him, I have come to realise that he is generally a quiet guy and doesn’t speak much. If I had known that before, it would have saved me from a lot of pain, worry or insecurity. I now know that he is loving in his own way apart from the communication differences, that’s what I call them now.
I would encourage you to hang in there and do the best you can; you have come a long way. I survived 5 years of long distance and it worked. I still don’t know how but I know God is wonderful. Whatever opportunity you have to communicate make the best of it and make his memories about you good. Pray about it and God will safeguard your marriage from all sorts of evil and distractions.
Sometimes he may not want to speak; please don’t force it or take offense because it will only cause you more heartache and sleepless nights. Get comfort from God’s promises in the Bible and they will carry you through this hard season.
(USA) What do you do when you’ve done all you can do, prayed, cried, cook, clean, look nice, communicate well, and it has not been effective? We have been separated 3 times. We went through Christian counseling, secular counseling and it helped for a while but he goes back to his ways. I have dealt with him sleeping around, he drinks, like to hang out with his friends, etc. We hardly do anything together any more –even sex.
He rarely wants to discuss anything. When we do talk, he gets frustrated and begins to use profanity–and or sometimes leaves. He has gotten fired from jobs because he wants to run the bosses, people and does not want to be told what to do. The kids are all grown now so I don’t have to deal with that aspect. It was somewhat of a nightmare when the kids were coming up that’s why we separated. It may have damaged them in some ways –but they do seek God’s help, more than I can say for the father.
I feel that I have done all God has asked me to do and I realize some people will not change. God is such a loving God. He can only change a heart if a person is willing to let him work on it. I realize now that he has departed mentally from this marriage for quite some time and it’s time for me to depart both mentally and physically for peace and happiness.
(USA) May God continue to strengthen and bring comfort to my emotionally torn sisters, myself included, who experience loneliness in the most unpredictable way: in our marriages. Experiencing loneliness while a spouse is still emotionally engaged in our lives can be heart wrenching, and sometimes spiritually and/or emotionally devastating. This is what helps me put marital life back into a godly perspective. Since we are in the image of God, we become like him and desire to love and be loved. God has an incredible way of showing us what his and our expectation is about love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
God also wants every woman who is married to stay invested in Him alone and also keep him #1. When my spiritual eye wanders away from God and my desires are soley on my husband alone, I crash and burn. I have to keep reminding myself that God is my husband – Isaiah 54:5. When my attention is on God, I find God’s love consuming me and enveloping me in a way that no other can. God has a cute way of showing me His love, not just from my husband, but from my son, from loving myself, and from the wonderful and spiritual sisters that He puts in my life. Believe it or not, I also use Leah’s example in the Bible in Genesis 29. Leah was desparately trying to win the affections of her husband Jacob because she desired love. In the end, she realized that God was craving her love and affection. She found out painfully that God was the one who was deeply in love with her and finally she Him – “This time I will praise the Lord.” Genesis 29:31-35.
Of course, marriage is not easy. We find that in 1 Corintians 7:28. It is sometimes, however, very difficult to trust God when we are hurting. We forget that God hurts too! Nonetheless, It it comforting to know that whatever we face in marriage or in life, God’s love never ceases. He wants us to find comfort in knowing that He is enduring many of the blows for us and that He will never ever leave or forsake us.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Awesome website, really opens my eyes to what my expectations are of my husband when I am feeling distraught. Got to lower them if I want to make my marriage work. Often feel a sense of lonliness, my husband is unable to encourage me or feel connected when I miss my children from my previous relationship. I sometimes feel like he is so cold and closed off from the needs of others. Wish he could feel more and make an effort instead of being safe and happy in his own little bubble. I wish I did not feel this way. Wish I could be strong and independent of him.
Thank you so much for the website. Got to read it over and over again in order to understand that our spouses are not there to ‘make us happy”, we need to make ourselves strong and happy in the Lord