Do you sense there was a true repentance afterwards (and what shows or demonstrates this repentance?), or does she justify it saying “we were in love and it just felt right,” or “we were going to get married any so we thought it was OK.” Responses like that don’t just point to one or two slip ups, but possibly they could be a sign that there is a real character issue there. Also, having sex one time unplanned is different than having a 1-2 yr. relationship and having sex on a regular basis. I would also need to know if they’ve had a test for STDs… one ex that had sex w/ only one guy had an STD that gave her an increased risk for cervical cancer as well as a small risk in not being able to bear children. Consider the costs.

Another thing to think about is how much God has forgiven you, and this helps in forgiving others. According to the statistics that Chip Ingram quoted in “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships”, the most sexually satisfied couples in marriage have only had sex w/ their marriage partners… but God does pour out his grace. Something I read elsewhere said that one predictor of divorce is if you have sex w/ someone before getting married (this doesn’t apply to you, but something to think about). Also think about this. It is necessary for you to be able to “deal with it” in the sense of forgiving her and not thinking about it all the time. Another issue is her dealing with it spiritually and psychologically. Sometimes the guilt really eats at a person and can lead to her feeling dirty and unworthy thus causing future sexual issues and frustrations. I’d challenge you to really search to see how she views her own identity in Christ and to see how she has “dealt with it”, or was it even a big deal to her?

When we got married, he changed; he does not have time for God, no bible study, less prayer, and I feel he is pulling me down. He is emotionally abusive and wants me to look like the models he sees on TV. When I am watching a preacher on TV, he turns the channel to movies or something else. I am praying at the same time doing my best to be a submissive wife as 1 Peter 3 says, but I can’t help but wonder how I missed seeing all the red flags before. I blame myself for this but even more for not being able to pray and worship as before.

My heart is overwhelmed with sadness and it shows. When he asks me, what can I do to make you happy? I tell him, come back to Christ; lets walk this spiritual journey together, but he says he is not interested. This is the worst part, he has no papers, and I have to sponsor him, may it be that he pulled it on me and pretended that he is a Christian so he could get his papers. Please pray for me, I want to be a good godly wife.

But thanks to your advice, I am now seeing someone, and I understand I have to know him well. We both are Pentecostals. He is a pastor and has a career too. I love him, he loves me. For a year, we have been dating but we never had serious fights and we see each other daily. He is a divorcee too. What best advice would you give to us coz we are arranging to get married?