The following are quotes from various subjects on the subject of Marriage Counseling and obtaining the counsel of others:

• Every competent counselor knows that no matter what the marriage problem, the system that sustains it is found in both people. Like a mobile hanging from the ceiling, a change to one piece impacts the equilibrium of the entire structure. In the same way, every marriage maintains balance as two people shift their positions, their attitudes, and their behaviors to counter one another. Thus in the long-term relationship, complete responsibility for problems rarely rests entirely on the shoulders of one person. Before a single step is taken, before a move is made, spouses will need to realize that it’s not who’s wrong, but what’s wrong that counts. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, I Love You More, pg.118)

• Ready yourselves for doing more work than you might have imagined. Scripture offers valuable instruction: “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?” (Luke 14: 28) This Scripture goes on to suggest that we are fools not to plan ahead for the true cost of finishing a project. Certainly changing life-long patterns of destructive relating is worth depth counseling to change those patterns.

• Going to see a marriage counselor is a great idea if you want to help your relationship. It can be very effective if you go prior to there being any major long term problem. For those couples who attend counseling as a “final” effort to try and save the relationship the chances of success are much slimmer. One of the problems is that most relationship counselors are women.

This means that when a guy attends with his wife he is most likely to feel outnumbered by women and it can be difficult for him to believe he is being fully understood. Another difficulty is that the field of marital counselling has been dominated in the last 30 years by a primarily feminine attitude to how relationships should be or how they can be improved.

For example the emphasis has been on talking skills, feelings, and a female approach to intimacy. The subliminal message given to the bloke by his wife and the supporting therapist has been that if only he would change and learn how to “communicate” better (by female definition), things would once again turn into marital harmony. It was easy for the guy to feel even less adequate in the counselor’s office than he normally felt.

The fact is there are two parties to a marriage and both husband and wife need an understanding and connection to each other. Fortunately this is now being recognized and there are new approaches to match the needs of men and women. (Michael and Susan Hanley, Marriage Newsletter, www.marriage.com.au)

• A significant step for me was meeting with a godly Christian counselor who had experience working with issues [I was dealing with]. Finding someone who knew the common pitfalls was helpful. This “good” Christian counselor was a powerful addition to the help given me in a support group. A Christian counselor was essential for me because I don’t know how a person works through the pain of betrayal without divine intervention and help. I didn’t want to waste time and money on someone who was not pointing me back to God and truth.

I will say at this point that not all counselors are the same. A counselor’s being Christian isn’t even a guarantee that he or she will point you to the right path. So, consult your pastor and/or another godly leader. Pray before you go, and then trust your instincts. If you’re not comfortable with the first counselor, try another. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)

• Seek counsel from your church. It is important to seek the counsel of your pastor or other church leaders. If you are not active in a Bible-believing, gospel-centered local church, take steps now to find one. Ask church leaders to recommend a Christian counselor who can help you.

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you. (Hebrews 13:17)

(From article, “How to Choose a Christian Counselor” posted on www.familylife.com)

• Pray and fast if you are confused. If you begin to feel confused or backed into a corner after receiving counsel, don’t make any decisions at all. Be still and wait for clear direction from God (see Psalm 46:10). Sometimes skipping a meal or two and just focusing on God’s Word and asking for guidance is all it takes to get clear direction when you are feeling confused. It may be you are trying to move in direction God doesn’t want you to go and, therefore, the Holy Spirit isn’t giving you peace. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), and you shouldn’t make important decisions when you are feeling confused. (Joe and Michelle Williams from the book, “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved”)

• Pastor Rick Warren: Within just a couple of months after we got married, I ended up in the hospital, I was so sick from the stress. I was angry. It was, like, wait a minute, I saved myself for this? …I was just flat out angry at God — and felt cheated — and [my wife] Kay thought she was going crazy. And that’s where we had to say, “Okay, we’re going to get help.” Kay: [Rick] was a youth pastor at a church, and we just felt like there was nowhere to go, nowhere to turn.

Rick: And even 30 years ago there was much more of a stigma even than there is now. I was making $800 a month working at a Christian college. I was actually going to college and teaching college at the same time, and our counseling bill cost was $100 a week. So half of our income was going to counseling, and we racked up a $1,500 counseling bill. That’s the best $1,500 I ever spent.

People say, “Well, I can’t afford counseling.” “Well, you can’t afford not to get it. How much is your happiness worth?” My wife is my best friend today. There would be no Saddleback Church, no AIDS ministry, no peace plan, no tens of thousands of churches going through our seminars without that. And I’d pay $1 million for that counseling today — really — if it put me in the rest of my life.

Kay: It didn’t solve everything, I mean, I don’t want to make it sound like if you go to counseling, man, everything is going to work great. It just opened the door for us to begin to talk. We didn’t even know how to talk to each other about all the places that you have conflict – sex, money, marriage, in-laws, communication, and we had conflict in every one of those. (From a radio interview conducted by Family Life Today with Rick and Kay Warren. To listen to the interview and/or read the transcripts you can click HERE)

• If you had an emergency, you broke a bone, you wouldn’t hesitate to go and have it fixed. And we need to realize we have many families in crisis. We have marriages in danger of disintegrating which is much worse than a broken bone. We need to take emergency measures to combat that, which can kill the marital relationship. (Unknown)

• If marital counseling is needed, Doherty advises that this is a time when being a good consumer is important. Selecting the right therapist can make all the difference. He suggests talking to people who can make a recommendation based on successful personal experience. He recommends asking questions and making it clear that you want to hold onto your marriage and make it better. (Intentional Marriage – By Marcia Segelstein)

• Look for a Counselor Who:

• Loves people, perseveres through tough times, and is confident that Jesus works in people who need help (2 Timothy 2:24-25, Romans 12:9-12).
• Believes that the Bible provides counsel for all of life’s issues (2 Timothy 3:16-17, John 5:39-40).
• Gives clear evidence of a personal, passionate relationship with Jesus Christ (Romans 10:9-10).
• Your pastor or trusted Christian friend recommends as a counselor who provides wise, biblical advice (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22 and 24:6).

(From the article, “How to Choose a Christian Counselor,” found on the web site of Family Life Today at: http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=418)

• I once did a series of private phone sessions for someone who had been in therapy for over a year. In our first session, I asked what changes she and her husband implemented since beginning therapy. She said, “Well, no real changes. But I understand our problems much better.” I call that “analysis paralysis.” The great philosopher Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” This is very true. But the unlived life is not worth examining! THOUGHT and ACTION are like husband and wife. If you’re missing one, you can’t have a marriage. (Mort Ferel, MarriageMax.com)

• Make sure that the person you are working with to turn your marriage around has a specific plan for you and your spouse to fall in love and stay in love with each other. If there is no plan and/or they don’t know how to make such a plan, give your counselor or coach a copy of “Fall In Love and Stay In Love” to read and then to come up with a plan.

When you are on a team that is struggling to become successful, it is absolutely critical that a plan be created and followed in order to succeed. Without a plan, your team will fail. Please don’t let that happen. Talk to your coach or counselor and work together to create a plan that will allow you and your spouse to look forward to spending the rest of your lives together happily married. (Steve Harley, www.marriagebuilders.com)

• Just utter the words “marriage counseling” and you’ll likely conjure images of a distraught couple seated in a quiet office, perhaps crying and shouting as they air their most intimate complaints about each other. Tony and Melissa Giordano opted for a different approach. On a recent weekend at Boulder’s St. Julien Hotel and Spa, the Denver couple sat barefoot on the floor of a conference room, taking turns rubbing each other’s feet, as a reflexology expert taught them and four other couples how to relieve each other’s stress. Across the hall, five other couples made their way through 6 samples during a wine tasting class, as other couples learned about bike maintenance in the room next door.

What do wine, reflexology, and cycling have to do with a healthy marriage? Everything, says Marcie Pregulman, president of Love Your Relationship, a new marriage education weekend workshop that combines research-based lectures with planned romantic activities.” Positive connections are so important,” says Pregulman. “Without them, there is no buffer there, no reserve in the bank. The idea here is to build up that reserve so that if you do have a fight, it is not going to wreck the relationship.” (From article: “Working on it — Keeping Marriages Intact Is Hard Work” by Lisa Marshall featured in The Daily Camera in Boulder, Colorado, February 11, 2006)

• So many come to my office feeling like the ultimate failure in life. If they can get their eyes on the Redeemer of failure they will celebrate that he can take anything and bring good out of it to Glorify Him. (Delores Stone, Counselor)