The following are various quotes on the subject of Marriage Mentoring:

• You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.

In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. (Titus 2:1-8)

• God’s Word makes it clear that we’re not meant to be individual islands. He calls us to meet together, to encourage one another, and to confess to other believers our struggles. He designed us to be in community and understands the meaning of synergy, the benefit of combined effort and operation.

Pray for God to direct this important step of finding mentors. For some, the seemingly natural step of going to their pastors turned out to cause new pain. The pastors may have been condemners, accusers, fixers, or all three. Pastors are not perfect; they are people, as are counselors. So if you’re disappointed by someone you thought would prove to be a good mentor, don’t give up. Moving forward as God directs is the best path, and then trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, get another opinion from someone you trust. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)

• When you learn to drive a car, you get an instructor. You get a permit and your first experiences driving are with an experienced driver. When you plan a vacation, you get a travel agent to help you know what is available. You may get a map drawn by someone who knows the route, or book the reservations with professionals to get you there. When you pursue a career, you get training from experts. You earn a degree and have teachers to educate you. When you want to improve your golf game you get a pro to help you… and you practice. When you design a house you employ an architect. When you build the house you hire a contractor to get it done. When you get married, you get a minister to perform the ceremony … but who helps you build the marriage? Marriage mentors can help you do that! (Dr Ed Gray - www.12conversations.com)

• Practical wisdom from mentors can help you learn to do the first-year tasks of marriage right the first time. Which would you rather do — keep making the first-year mistakes of marriage for ten years OR learn the first-year skills of marriage in year one and move forward with growing a successful marriage? …Why not seek out a mentor couple to share their love and experiences with you? They have helpful stories to share from lessons they have learned. They have road maps of experiences to help you with to find your way in dealing with communication, couple friendship and dating, finances, in-laws, solutions to problems, recreation, intimacy, and healthy marriage habits. (Dr Ed Gray - www.12conversations.com)

• For years, the assumption was that therapists were the only ones who could help struggling couples, and even then it was an arduous quest. But researchers, delving into the vagaries of relationships, have found that almost all couples — those who divorce and those who stay together — have about the same number of fights about the same issues: kids, money, sex, time, and other people. To them, the key is to help couples understand how to handle disagreements, the theory being that these techniques can now be taught by almost anyone.

The result is a curriculum like the one being used in Oklahoma, where workers from churches, schools, and counseling centers are being trained to teach marriage skills. “It’s like a marriage renaissance,” says Diane Sollee, director of The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C. “When people have new knowledge and new understanding, they’re going to start thinking differently about marriage.” (From: Smartmarriages - Subject: Can Marriage Be Taught? - July 18/02)

• What is fundamental to look for in a mentor? When deciding if a person or group is safe, the first step is always prayer. The Holy Spirit is able to give amazing insight. Next, look for people who are: • nonjudgmental (they don’t decide, they guide); • respectful (they set and observe healthy boundaries); • spiritual (they point to Christ not to pat religious answers); • listeners (they really hear you); • objective (they’re able to give and receive loving criticism); • humble (they know when to say, “I don’t know”). (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)

• Marriage Mentors are an impartial sounding board. Usually the mentors and soon-to-be-wed couples meet for 6 sessions to discuss questions on the premarital quiz or other issues. [As Lindsey Dixon and James McGreger—an engaged couple] have said, “We want to have someone who can be a role model, someone you can ask about things who have been there and done that. This is my 2nd marriage, and I didn’t know how to be a good husband the first time around. I didn’t have a real good role model. My dad was a great father, but he wasn’t a great husband.” (From the article: BUILDING A STRONG MARRIAGE: More Couples Are Turning to Mentors to Start Their Lives Together on a Strong Foundation - By Don O’Briant - The Atlanta Journal-Constitution - May 23, 2003)

• Dennis Lowe, the director for Pepperdine University’s Center for the Family in Malibu, California said that in one survey, 49% of the couples admitted they had serious problems in their first year of marriage. “Marriage mentors help by serving as a sounding board and by alleviating the isolation some couples feel,” he said. Before couples are married at Second Presbyterian, the church requires intensive premarital counseling. After the honeymoon is over, couples are encouraged to attend one of several Sunday school classes for married couples. Marriage 101 is for those who have been married for less than 3 years. Covenant Keepers is for couples married less than eight years. In addition, the mentors meet with 3 - 4 couples in their homes twice a month. (BUILDING A STRONG MARRIAGE: More Couples Are Turning to Mentors to Start Their Lives Together on a Strong Foundation - By Don O’Briant)

• I call them lanterns—because they are mentors who shed light. As the process of looking out for obstacles continues, you’ll find that your desire grows for God and for truth. As the Lord reveals additional obstacles, He graciously provides people who also see pitfalls and roadblocks that we might otherwise miss. God uses others who are ahead of us on the path to shine a light to help us. They’re living proof that two are better than one. When we’re in a weakened state, it’s important to be surrounded by people who are safe and who provided biblically sound advice that points us in the right direction.

Allowing others to see that we are visually impaired makes us vulnerable. So it’s essential to approach possible lanterns carefully and slowly. Beware the tendency of being too open —sharing indiscriminately —as well as being too closed off —not sharing at all. Both delay healing. Just let God identify the right people and the proper timing, because the wrong person can cause more damage, while the right one can be a craftsman of God. I’ve met many women who can attest to the damage wrought by the wrong person. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)

• “We’re not saying we have figured it all out,” said Matt Terhune, 34. But what the Terhunes try to do is address any problems and look to the Bible to see what it teaches about marriage. “We share our own personal experiences on things we’ve totally messed up on,” Terhune said. He believes the mentoring is creating lifelong friendships and is helping to strengthen his own marriage of 10 years. The group provides a safe place where ideas and concerns can be addressed by the young couples. “We’re able to say things within the group that we might not say when it’s just the two of us,” Terhune said. (From: Smartmarriages - Subject: Mentors help ease marriage pitfalls - 9/23/02)

• Marriage Mentors “have provided effective guidance to those preparing for marriage, those faced with challenges of a blended family, and to marriages in crisis.” They’ve even “substantially reduced my counseling load and provided a more positive outcome.” (Senior Pastor Randy Bremer)

• Few problems are more urgent in society or the church than the soaring divorce rate, said Mike McManus, who’s based in Potomac, Maryland. “The divorce rate among atheists and agnostics in the United States is below that of almost every Protestant church,” he said. McManus offers 5 steps churches can use to cut their divorce rate by at least half over 5 years: Help people avoid getting into bad marriages, give people who do marry marriage insurance, enrich the marriages of church members so they’re happier, save troubled marriages, and help stepfamilies be successful.

The key to making this happen is equipping and training married couples to become mentors, McManus said. Every church has members who have gone through adultery, abuse and other problems and come out with their marriages intact. “Our goal is for couples who’ve been blessed with good marriages to be trained and motivated to help others prepare for marriage or save existing marriages,” he said. (From the article: As Pastors Ban Together, Divorce Rate Drops Dramatically -By Alan Goforth -8/11/03)

• Is it possible for a church or synagogue to virtually eliminate divorce? Yes, if the congregation trains a network of Mentor Couples who create a safety net under every marriage. What matters are couples such as Carol and Jeff Long, married 31 years in Tallahassee. Their marriage nearly came apart years ago when he had an affair. ”We were able to pull out of that and maintain our marriage,” he recalls. ”We felt like we had a lot to offer to couples in a similar situation. We can offer hope that even after adultery, it’s possible to pull marriages back together.”

Every church has couples like the Longs, but hasn’t appreciated them as the marriage-saving treasure that they are, or trained them to tell their stories of hope. Most clergy assume professional credentials are essential to help a marriage heading to divorce. However, many of those therapists with the Master’s degrees are ineffectual with troubled marriages. Or worse, they actually recommend divorce! Rev. Bob Tindale, senior pastor of Killearn UMC, has a different view.” Crisis couples can be given hope if they sit down with someone who can say, ‘we’ve been there and we made it.’ (Churches Can Virtually Eliminate Divorce - By Mike McManus - 10/25/01)

• Couple-to-couple mentoring has proved to be an effective method [for helping stem the tide of divorce], said Bob Ruthazer, (Executive Director for the Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond). Statistics projecting that between 40% and 50% of marriages starting today will end in divorce or permanent separation. “We believe the church needs to be part of the solution,” Ruthazer said. “We’ve done well at introducing the clergy to the concept of premarital mentoring to augment or replace most of their pastoral counseling. What we haven’t done is create any good, effective models for helping couples in crisis. This is the area that’s in many ways of most concern. In place of prevention that we didn’t do well before, it’s the pound of correction we have to do now.”(Couples to Mentor Other Couples -Richmond Times-Dispatch - Bill Lohmann October 24, 2000)

• “Research shows that the people who can best teach the skills of how to have a solid marriage are those who have satisfying marriages, serving as Mentor Couples,” (Diane Sollee, Director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education).

• So where do you find safe people when it seems so easy to find unhealthy? In truth, with God’s help they get easier to find. The best place to start is with prayer. The hard part is to patiently wait for God to identify these safe people. When we’re looking for a lantern to shine some light on this path of obstacles, pitfalls, and roadblocks, it’s difficult to wait for a person to reveal his or her character. But this wait reduces the chance of trying to read our maps under a wavering light, while reminding us first to place our lives under God’s steady light. The best way to avoid additional injury is to move slowly and always talk to God before you talk to others. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)

• The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, so, no more drinking from death-tainted wells! (Proverbs 13:14, The Message)

• Ask God to reveal one person you can count on for support. Watch for a mentor or someone who is farther on in their life’s journey. Pray for someone who will encourage spiritual growth. Always be looking for people who have character qualities you admire. Then pray for God to open a door for the relationship to go forwards. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)

• Marriage mentoring can be as simple as finding a couple you respect and hearing their stories of married life. A neighbor, a family member or a church could be a great source for a mentor couple. …Consider: Is there a couple in your life that you look to as a positive role model for a healthy marriage? Many of us have such a couple. By their lives and behavior they have encourage us to be better husbands and wives. Some have spoken to us and led us intentionally. Others, simply by their example, demonstrate love, respect and joy in their marriage. (Dr Edward Gray, Marriage Mentoring –12 Conversations)

• Harriet McManus (who runs a marriage mentoring program with her husband Mike McManus) says that one reason that older couples are drawn to mentoring is, “You cannot focus on another couple’s relationship without focusing on your own. All those inventory statements — you have to think in your own mind, how would we have answered those questions?” (From article: Can This Marriage Be Braved - 2/004, featured in the Washington Post Sunday Magazine)

• “We know that 74% of weddings are performed in churches,” said Susan Zencka, pastor of Dyer Presbyterian Church. “There’s a 50% divorce rate. We know it’s high. Once we recognize that churches perform 74% of weddings, it makes it clear to the clergy that we have a special responsibility to help couples do this better. No one who gets married plans to get divorced.” (Local churches team up to support marriage -BY EMILY HISER -Northwest Indiana Times Staff Writer- 8/28/02)

• Second Presbyterian, like many churches around the country, is making it a mission to help married couples get a firm foundation. The program focuses on the basics-how to talk about money, in-laws, sex, and how to fight fair when problems inevitably erupt. Since 1997, the church has worked with about 100 couples. Currently, 8 couples act as volunteer mentors, helping 32 younger couples maneuver married life… “It’s good to get outside of your family for advice and for a different perspective on things like how do you handle the holidays or do you have a separate checking account or a joint checking account,” said Melanie Alexander. (From: Smartmarriages - Sent: September 26, 2002 - Subject: Mentors help ease marriage pitfalls - 9/23/02)

• Even if brides and bridegrooms in Leavenworth believe they’re ready to say “I do,” the preachers in town have banded together to say “No, you don’t.” Statistics show that the town has an unusually high divorce rate of 80%. The Rev. Randall Terrill uncovered that statistic recently. Now, he and 14 other clerics are refusing to marry couples unless they’ve been through months of counseling. The preachers are calling it a “community marriage policy,” which is designed to lower Leavenworth’s divorce rate. Terrill says the same kind of counseling has worked in other towns. In Modesto, Calif., the divorce rate dropped by 40% after a similar policy was implemented.

In all, couples will need 3 to 4 months of counseling from the clergy before they can tie the knot. Terrill said couples will have to meet with their counselors 4 or 5 times. The couples will also have to meet with couples who are already married. Terrill knows that some couples won’t like the idea and won’t want to take the time before exchanging nuptials. But he said something must be done. “We want this marriage to last a lifetime. If you’re not willing to invest some time to prepare yourself for that, then we wonder about your commitment to each other,” Terrill said. The policy isn’t a law, Hubbard reported. Couples can still be united at the courthouse. However, Terrill is confident he can get every church in town to agree to his plan. (FEDERAL OFFICIAL URGES PROMOTING MARRIAGE - By Cheryl Wetzstein THE WASHINGTON TIMES - June 1, 2003)

• All praise to God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, The Message)

• Emily Hood and her husband are grateful for the support the older couple has shown to them. “I think we all have a desire to develop a strong relationship,” said Hood, 25, of Memphis. “It’s good to have a couple you can model your marriage after and who are totally committed to keeping their marriage vows and looking for God’s guidance.” The transition from single to married life isn’t always easy, Hood said. “I think we all need some kind of instruction and help in how to be married,” she said. (Mentors Help Ease Marriage Pitfalls - By Lela Garlington)

• What can a happily married couple do to improve the state of marriage in our culture? Simple, Horn says: advertise. Be role models. The more good marriages young people see, the more a good marriage becomes the norm, not the exception. “One of the things that drives young people toward cohabitation,” he says, “isn’t a fear of marriage but a fear of divorce. And there’s good reason to be fearful of divorce, because there are a lot of divorces out there. So the more models we have of successful marriages, the more our young people will understand that this is an attainable aspiration—something they can go into joyfully, as opposed to with great trepidation.”

Next, Horn says, a happily married couple can support and encourage other marriages around them. Do you know a couple whose marriage is struggling? Encourage them to stick it out. Remind them that divorce introduces at least as many problems as it solves. And research shows that about 8 of 10 couples who persevere in “bad” marriages are much happier and rate their marriages as stable and happy just 5 years later. In short, don’t stay silent while we lose marriages that could be saved. That not only brings more pain to those getting divorced, it also sends a damaging message to kids: When marriage doesn’t go so well, flee. (Promoting Marriage - By Jim Killam - Marriage Partnership, Winter 2002 From: Smartmarriages- Sent: January 29, 2003)

• Marriage mentoring is not a just a program. It’s a way of life. It’s married couples (with ourselves included) continually being pro-active, seeking the Lord’s wisdom through whatever learning opportunities He brings our way, to help ourselves and others live out our marriages in such a manner that honors each other and honors the Lord. (Cindy Wright)

---

Mentoring is a Way of Life
(By Cindy Wright)

• It’s being open and giving God the elbow room in your schedule to bring someone your way that He wants to use you to minister to.

• It’s becoming a “student of life” so you have something to share with someone else when God brings them your way. As you become aware of all the “learning opportunities” around you, God can use you to share these “tailor-made just for them” nuggets of truth with them.

• It’s proceeding in life prayerfully so your eyes are tuned in, through the leading of the Holy Spirit, to all the ministry opportunities and learning opportunities He brings your way.

• It’s believing in others and infusing hope into others when they can’t believe themselves. As 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, love “always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

• It’s following the principle of Hebrews 10:24 where it says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

• Sometimes it’s just quietly crying with, and standing with, and holding up a friend without saying much at all — knowing that sometimes friends need a strong, quiet friend to be with them more than someone who speaks more than they should in that circumstance. (Job, from the Bible, had friends who were good examples of friends who didn’t know when to shut up and just BE WITH their friend instead of chattering.)

• It’s being spiritually in tune to those you’re with to know when you’re to speak love, show love, or both.

• It’s being a friend who loves unconditionally and sees beyond your faults.

• It’s being “Christ with skin on” — being His colleague in loving this friend as Christ would.

---

• To be a Marriage Mentor: You do not have to be an expert … simply be willing to share your experiences. • Share your stories of married life with a younger couple. • Be a mentor couple to a younger couple. • Help them strengthen their marriage and reap benefits for yours. (Dr Ed Gray - www.12conversations.com) 

 

 Print This Page

 Email This Page