The following are quotes from various resources on the subject of military marriages. We pray you will find them helpful for your situation.
• “At a recent ‘chaplain’s brief,’ in which the military tries to prepare its soldiers for reintegration in the world, the officer in charge cited Army statistics that indicated 30 percent of the spouses believe deployment harms their marriages. The Army’s Judge Advocate General Corps statistics put the divorce rate among soldiers as comparable to the civilian rate — about 50 percent.” (Cuck Yarbrorough, from article “Iraq No Honeymoon for Couples)
• Before your husband arrives home, discuss each other’s thoughts, expectations, and concerns for your reunion. Let him know your desire to honor him while maintaining stability in the home. See what suggestions he has. It’s not too early to pray about your reentry as a couple. Suggest that the two of you begin praying specifically about the readjustment period, that it would be a smooth transition.
We’ve seen some healthy couples turn this potential problem into an opportunity to redefine some of the roles in their relationship. When the husband of one military couple came home from overseas and resumed paying the bills, he realized that he didn’t like it and wasn’t good at it. By talking to his wife, he discovered that she not only enjoyed handling their finances, she excelled at it. He’d previously believed that managing the money was something a man “should” do rather than something that a couple is free to negotiate based on skills and interests. They restructured some of their responsibilities, and what could have become a major problem actually strengthened their relationship.
Another military couple made appointments with their pastor just to have an objective third party to talk to, pray with, and provide wise and biblically-consistent counsel. Ask God to prepare you and give you realistic expectations. Pray for extra doses of patience and grace. Enlist two or three other couples to pray for you at least once a day for the next three months. (From Couple Counsel, with Gary and Carrie Oliver, on Today’s Christian Woman’s Magazine, Winter 2005)
• Reunion time with your military spouse can be both a great experience and also one that creates problems in your marriage. Here are some tips to make the homecoming easier and more enjoyable: Accept that things may be different. …Plan for visits from your extended family.…Tone down your fantasies — reality may be quite different. (Sheri and Bob Stritof, from the article, “Homecoming Tips.” To read the rest of the article go to: http://marriage.about.com/cs/militarymarriages/qt/homecoming.htm)
• What retired Navy Chief Petty Officer Jeff Edwards said at his retirement about his wife could be paraphrased about you and so many other military spouses:
“You are a patriot — the sort of citizen that all of us should be, but so few of us are. You live with sacrifice, because you believe in the rights and ideals that your husband defends. Although you wear no uniform, you are a part of that defense — a vital link in the chain of freedom. Although you wear no medals and will reap no glory on the field of battle, you are hero in the truest sense of the word. You are a military spouse.”(Gene Thomas, from the article “The Hardest Job in the Military”)
• Timing can be important in a military marriage. If you have PCS (Permanent Change of Station) orders, and get married before you actually make the move, you can have your spouse added to your orders and the military will pay for the relocation of your spouse and her property (furniture and such). However, if you report to your new duty assignment first, and then get married, you will have to pay for the relocation of your spouse out of your own pocket. (Rod Powers, from article, Military Weddings and Honeymoons. To read the article in its entirety click onto the following link: http://usmilitary.about.com/od/familydomestic/a/marriage.htm)
• Part of “Pre-separation” syndrome is that people begin to separate themselves emotionally for what lies ahead. Look for tensions to be high and be on guard for potential fireworks over little things. Simply being aware of these emotions and potential disagreements can go a long way toward diffusing the situation. Karen Evenson and her husband, who’s traveled frequently for 15 years, would fight about the laundry before he’d leave on trips. “I’d get so angry because he’d throw his underwear anywhere but in the hamper!” Karen says. “We’d get into arguments about it and he’d leave the house on a sour note. Then I’d spend the time we were apart feeling guilty and miserable. I finally discovered where he puts his underwear really doesn’t matter. And that discovery has made for better partings.” (Ellie Kay, from the article, “Staying Connected When Your Spouse Is Away” posted on Marriage Partnership Magazine.com)
• Hold tightly to the assurances of God. Hear His promise, articulated so eloquently in the 46th Psalm: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging” (v. 1-3, NIV). (Dr James Dobson, from an article, “An Open Letter to the American Military which you can read on the Focus on the Family web site at: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/docstudy/newsletters/A000000883.cfm)
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(USA) I would like to say thanks for the article first of all. My husband has been gone for 8 months and right now is the time where I feel our marriage is falling apart. I don’t know what to do; I almost feel as though I am going crazy. I am sure I am not alone in these feelings being a military spouse. He hasn’t talked to me in a few days and when he does he just gets mad and hangs up. He says I text him way too much and it is getting on his nerves.
I take blame in the situation as well. I just need to be reassured every now and again, like once every 5 months, I guess. He said he doesn’t “feel” anymore, he reassured me that he still loves me, but at the same time has no feelings. Now I am worried about his well being. I know their job is difficult and dangerous, but I wasn’t prepared for how hard my role in this is. I am going crazy from the inside out, I feel. But it seems like he just doesn’t care about how things make me feel. Is this normal for military personnel, and is that why the divorce rate is so high?
(USA) My boyfriend and I went through something similar during his first deployment. Now he’s on his second, so I know what to expect.
The thing about “not feeling” is a defense mechanism. You must understand that right now it is very dangerous for him to feel emotions. If he lets his emotions overwhelm him, he could be hurt or killed in the line of duty. His comrades are depending on him to hold it together. An easy way for our minds to deal with constant stress of potentially dangerous situations is to switch emotion off. My boyfriend told me that while he “knew” in his intellectual mind that he still loved me, he could not “feel” this to be true in his heart. When he returned home from that deployment it did take a little time for readjustment, but you just have to be patient. His feelings of love fully returned in time.
I would suggest taking full advantage of any resources you have at your disposal. FRG (Family Readiness Group) is a great way to get things off of your chest and talk to other women who are married to people in your husband’s unit about common stresses that you all face. It is imperative that you understand that you are not alone in this. As an “Army Girlfriend” I wasn’t awarded FRG privileges the first time around, but now I am a member of this FRG. Being kept “in the loop” is a load off my mind, and can help you, as well. FRG usually plans homecoming parties, so the women of these units really start to get each other excited about the homecoming (planning parties is fun, right?). =)
As for the issues with communication. I know this sounds really weird, but give him a chance to miss you. Yes, yes, I know, you’re thousands of miles away, doesn’t he miss you already? Well… if you’re constantly trying to communicate with him, then maybe not. Let “him” come to “you”. It sounds like you’re playing games, but trust me, when he’s ready to come to you, he will. This doesn’t mean that you should cease all communication with him. Just make sure that the communication that you DO choose to pursue is meaningful. Don’t text or e-mail your complaints to him. He has enough on his plate. It would help to give him one less thing to worry about by reassuring him that you are here faithfully waiting for him and that he has nothing to worry about. I do this, and it seems to help my boyfriend not worry so much about what happens here with me.
I would also suggest to you is to keep a diary (whether it be online or a physical diary). Make it your own. I suggest the site http://www.opendiary.com. Just start an account and go to town venting your frustrations! It’s pretty cathartic and will really help you not to be so stressed out. The site I mentioned above allows other people to read your diary and make helpful suggestions anonymously, which is a nice feature, as well.
And one last thing: Work out! Working out relieves so much tension and stress. You will feel so much better once you’re done, not to mention you’ll be looking quite nice by the time he returns. (4 months is just enough time to get in tip-top shape!)
I have a video blog about how to better deal with deployments–it has little tips and tricks that I use, as well as some generalized complains. =). I update it pretty regularly. http://www.youtube.com/AmiraJericho
I hope this helped you (and anyone else reading). Remember, everything will be fine. Don’t watch the news… and don’t stress out too much!
~Amira
(USA) Hi Lindsey, Even though it has been a long time since you posted your comment, God has brought you to my mind to pray for you several times, and now He has led me to write. I have to say that I agree with Amira on the wise advice she gave.
Your husband’s world is now different. He is handling things that no human being was created to handle. It’s all part of living in a fallen world. As a result, he is in survival mode right now… just able to handle what is immediately before him — keeping himself and his buddies safe and doing his job. What you are having to cope with seems minor to him in comparison to what he is having to cope with (even though to you, it isn’t). It’s all a matter of perspective. I don’t want to down-play what you are going through, because this is truly tough stuff, but from his perspective, it isn’t as much of a life and death situation.
Right now, he’s expecting you to “stand strong” and more or less, “buck up” and do what you need to do, to get through these months without him being by your side. He can barely carry his own load without feeling like he is expected to carry yours as well. You may or may not be trying him to get him to carry your load, but just want to feel connected to him (which is only normal), but he just can’t at this point (and frankly, he might not ever again because war changes people). He will have a tendency to pull away if you keep trying to pull him in more than he think he can handle. I believe part of it is the “Rubber Band Theory” in the workings (there is a link to this theory if you click onto this link: “Is the Rubber Band Theory True“), and part of it is probably like I said, survival mode and the changes that are going on inside of him as a result of being in a war zone.
(Just as a side note: I don’t necessarily go along with all of the advice given on the web site where the Rubber Band theory is located, but that article seems good and doesn’t conflict with biblical principles. There may be more good advice on it, but be careful and discerning about any human advice — including mine.)
Lindsey, this is a difficult situation. My heart goes out to you. You married one man and now he is changing into another, and the circumstances that are now forced upon you are causing even more changes to occur. This is tough stuff. Unfortunately, and sometimes fortunately — if we grow from it, life inflicts many circumstances upon us that cause us to hurt and wonder “why” and wish that things could be the same as they were. But that’s not what is offered to us in life. At that point, we have a decision to make, we can either go with the circumstance and grow, or we can go with the circumstance and retreat into unhealthy behavior.
I wish you and your husband never had to face what you are facing, but that’s not reality. Since you are, as much as it is difficult for me to say this, I encourage you to “go and grow.” That’s what God wants for each one of us — to grow in maturity — to take what is handed to us in life and ask Him for wisdom and lean towards maturity in our decision making and living habits.
You will see that we have many different articles and web site links on this web site that can help you in this mission — and that’s what it is, a mission — just as much of one as your husband is on right now. You have to learn how to stay connected and supportive as his wife, without holding on too tight, and guard your mind and your heart as well. It’s a HUGE task. But a war worth waging.
I tell you to guard your mind and heart because you’ll find many unhealthy thoughts and inclinations popping into your mind that you’ll have to fight. You’ll be fighting loneliness, feeling more sorry for yourself than it is healthy to feel, and a “need” for your husband when it’s not possible right now for him to respond to your need in the same way as he previously did. You’ll also be fighting a love-sick void of wanting a man to affirm and care for you so you may be tempted to give your heart away to someone else if you aren’t on the alert. And there will be other attacks to your mind and heart as well. “Be on the alert” as we’re told in the Bible in 1 Peter 5:7. Do what it takes to lean into maturity and healthy living. Do what it takes so you don’t compromise your integrity or your wedding vow.
Keep asking God for wisdom as we’re told in James 1 and follow that wisdom. If you do, you won’t go off on a wrong path (and if you do, it will be a short one and you’ll get back onto the right one as you follow God). You will grow up faster than you might have otherwise, but that’s all part of life and marriage. Marriage is for grown-ups that will go with the flow and find ways to grow in faith and maturity and partnership (although at times the partnership may seem lop-sided until things level out in some way again — prayerfully they will).
Also Lindsey, realize that your husband is changing as a result of life itself and war, especially. He won’t come back the same person. He will have hard edges that will cut into your relationship. The wise marriage partner is one who will work with the situation and maturely (especially with God’s guidance), won’t panic and will figure out ways to respectfully work around those hard edges, giving grace when needed, and will find ways to grow the partnership in the direction that it is best to do so. In the long run, your husband will hopefully see the grace and space and yet support you are giving him and will appreciate and love you all the more. I’ve seen it happen and I pray it will happen for you. Please know that there are many of us who are praying for you. God bless!
(USA) Thank you both so much for that, I am seeing the correct side of it now. I don’t want to be a “brat”. I have taken your advice, things have not gotten better but I know he will be home for Christmas, and I am giving him all the space he needs right now. Even though I still cry, a lot, I am standing strong, and fighting the good fight. I love him no matter what kind of person he may morph into. I will learn to adapt; that is what marriage is all about, I believe. Thank you so much again, it really made my heart feel better. God bless you. Love, Lindsey
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU AND YOURS!!!