I feel it is likely the outcome will be us not being together. I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We are all so blessed we know Jesus. This life would seem so pointless without him in it. I hope whatever events occur, they do not upset my son.

Also I am aware that we are unevenly yoked, which you are not supposed to marry into. I do believe that having our child over-rides my choice in partner for marriage due to the special unity parents have with their children, and that God believes it is fair to let him be a part of his ‘family’ if he willing. Sacrificing my choice in partner is another consequence of pre-marital sex, I believe. (I believe this is the case unless he was an ‘abusive partner’… in which he’s not at all)

Just a small warning as well to anyone engaging in pre-marital sex (especially to those of you are not sure you would commit to the other person), the consequence of pregnancy is not simply a baby. (I found caring for my child as a single parent the easy part.) It is also a lifelong agreement to be in contact with that person you were having relations with and every member of their family for your life span, and if you have Jesus’ grace with you to try and love them, which it is possible they will be trying to do the opposite.

Jesus looks after you in any situation in which you are worshipping him with a pure heart, but he does not save you from what your actions reap if you ignore him on occasion. I have everyday reminders of my conscious choice to place unbelievers in my heart and in my life, and it can at times feel more tiring than a week’s work. Just putting it out there

Of late however, I have not been so sure. He is wanting me to a buy a house with him, live with him etc. Strangely this has made me more unsure of what we currently have together. For the first time even though I have been constantly testing what God’s will is for my life these last four years since my pregnancy, I am no longer sure of anything. I have stopped having sex with him and have told him I need time. He is a gentle person and has been very understanding, but is also very much shaped by society and believes you should marry at 30, and live with the person first etc.

I am just so sad that my child will not have him around if we are not together. And as I have grown very attached to him due to my thought process concluding he was a husband I have also become very attached. I am not sure if I could consider anyone else in the future if we were to break up, as I feel we were joined in a sense. What a mess we humans make of things. I wish I wasn’t so weak.

A last question as well. I have felt the Holy Spirit a great deal during these last few years and don’t believe you can feel that if you are in constant sin. What has changed? Is it becoming less ignorant to the sin that derives a greater responsibility to rid yourself of it?

But one way or the other, I can say that I’m sorry for the confusion you are experiencing and the bad feelings you are having concerning marriage itself. I’m certain that God feels troubled too. It must break His heart that so few live out His will within their marriages so others can rejoice and be drawn to Him as a result, instead of being fearful and repelled.

Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful and strong partnership that honors God as a “cord of three strands”– just as living life as a single person is to be a beautiful and strong partnership in accord with Him — when we allow God to have full Lordship over our lives through our relationship with Jesus Christ.

What is heart-breaking, is that most Christian who are married aren’t really getting it. They don’t understand how much they are damaging the picture that they are supposed to live out within their marriages to draw others to Christ — because marriage is a representation of Christ’s love for the church. One partner may “get it” or the other, or both usually don’t get it. And how this must grieve the heart of God!

And yet thankfully a minority DO understand this intimate and sacred partnership with each other and with God. I’m so sad for you that you aren’t seeing this around you. But please trust me that it IS happening in many Christian marriages and it IS possible! We see it often.

I can’t tell you Hanne, if you are called to ever marry or if you are called to remain as a single partner to Christ. That is something you need to hand over to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. But I implore, that you please don’t make your decision based on fear. Perfect Love — God’s love, manifested in you, casts out fear.

If you don’t see good marriages around you, and yet God brings a godly partner, sold out for Him and for you into your life, and you are to marry — then you are to BE and WORK to be a godly example of what a good marriage partnership is to look like as a witness for those around you. If He calls you to being single for all of your life, you are to BE and to WORK as a godly example of what a single person can do in partnership with Jesus Christ. Either way, you are in God’s will and your decision is not based upon fear or lack of reaching for God’s will to be lived out in your life.

Reach for God’s maturity in this. It will be a difficult journey because of all of the poor examples you are seeing around you. But with God, you can do ALL things.

I pray you will realize and live out the words God inspired in Philippians 3:12-14, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven, because of what Christ Jesus did for us.”

I miss the companionship and the talks but there were problems. I believe the Lord told me in his timing he would reconcile us. The problem now is that because of the previous problems, I don’t want this man anymore. I don’t want the drama, or trauma. So what do you do, when you’ve contended for a promise, and after you’ve experienced the trauma, shaking, sifting, and taken your hands off of it, the Lord brings it back around and you don’t want it????

I have been wrestling with this now and I don’t believe I can receive this man back. I am angry and hurt and I really am rethinking marriage especially after visiting this site. No offense but there are pretty depressing, horrific stories here. I am a very cautious, and thoughtful person to begin with, I don’t enter relationships lightly and always with prayer and fastings. But now, I am rethinking the whole thing and I realize my heart is toooooo tender for relationships. I enjoy singleness and being alone. The benefits of companionsip although wonderful, to me at this point do NOT out weight the pain and trauma to be had.

I miss him, but I do not think I could endure with him. I already gave too many years of my life to that. If the Lord has dealt with him this is great. I am happy that the Lord has got his desire in him, but I am still too hurt by not only what this man did, but also that the Lord had me continue giving in that way. I am not ready to enter back into that sort of thing. Although I know this is the Christian walk. A walk of death to self. I understand this. I am just not so eager to enter back into it. Does this make sense? Or am I stupid to feel this way? Being stripped is not fun. Obviously people on here understand because they are going through the same prunings and death walks.

But, If it is the Lord’s desire, I want to please him. I am just too afraid now. I am scared for this guy to come back into my life based on the previous issues we had. On the other hand, I am afraid that if things are resolved, I won’t be able to walk a walk of purity with him. So, that is the see-saw… I guess only time will tell.

But definitely, I am not walking around with pink glasses on. If anything my glasses are black. It’s hard for me to expect any good thing regarding relationships now and this bothers me. My hope is gone. And without vision a people perish. And I feel that I am perising. I see no good examples of godly marriages around me and really now have trouble to trust the Lord would even help me should I get married. I am only being honest here. No intending to be depressing. So I am not all that inclined to it. Now I am more afraid of it than ever.

I was raised that marriage is for life. I looked forward to the day I would one day get married. But now, not so much. My parents have been married for thirty six years and are miserable. Before, I guess I did have some romantical ideals but at the age of thirty three and still single you lose A LOT of that. Simply because you are older.

But after this bittersweet experience, I really am backing away from it all. And my faith is really, really small. Even when I speak to older Christian women they all tell me the same thing, “It’s better for you to be alone. If I had to do over again, I would never marry. ” This is really discouraging don’t you think? This is from Christian women, not the unsaved. Everyone is miserable. This makes me totally back away, though in my heart, I want to get married if it is the Lord’s will, but I am warring with that will. I don’t want to fight the Lord but I am in real self protect mode and I don’t know how to get out of it. Totally stinks.

So, that is that. I continue to press into the Lord. That is something I know I can do. Maybe that is all that truly matters. Hanne

If you are equally yoked with this man, then he will be equally devoted to keeping purity between you in your sexual relationship. It doesn’t matter as much about his background and his past (if it doesn’t harm the way he conducts himself now in how he processes through his thinking and living), as much as it is about his present and REAL relationship with Christ. He will protect you and cares about his own spiritual relationship as well, to the point where he will make it HIS mission to keep both of you from opening this sexual gift before it is supposed to be opened — in the marriage bed.

The fact that you are wondering if you are equally yoked makes me think that perhaps God is prompting you to do more considering about this relationship. It’s not too difficult to be pure in letters. But it is another thing to carry it out in real life. Get past the fuzzy romantic feelings you have and look into the harder issues. Talk together honestly about things you should be talking about. It’s great that you have an attraction to each other, but you have to go beyond that.

We have a lot of questions in the “Marriage Preparation Materials” section that you can ask each other and many recommended resources that can help you even further. Please, please, please, do your due diligence and make SURE you are well suited for marriage to each other. If he resists the process, I’d be concerned.

Some people make great dates and even fiances, but lousy spouses when they are committed together for life. Make sure you are well-suited to work through the tough issues now and after marriage. You WILL encounter them. I pray you will so what you should to make sure you can live out your lives together in a marriage blessed by God and committed to His ways!

Now it has changed and there is real desire for one another developing but we are so different in our backgrounds. I am still a virgin in my thirties, and he definitely not a virgin in his early forties. I am very prayerful, but concerned that as our relationship progresses as I believe the Lord is revealing to me, we will experience difficulties in maintaining a standard of purity between us until we marry. It is really scaring me because I want to honor the Lord in all I do, but I am older, I’ve waited a long time, and due to my real depth of feeling for this man, I know I will be tested.

Also this man comes from a godless upbringing and I am concerned this will become a real issue even though he is now a believer in Jesus Christ. Are we still unequally yoked? I want to navigate this in holiness, but I am not a stone. Neither one of us are. I remain prayerful. I want to marry this man. I want to walk in purity. I want to please Jesus, but I also don’t want to lose this relationship.

As far as family planning, that again is very controversial. If it includes abortion as a method — killing an unborn baby, then it definitely wouldn’t be God’s will for you to go that direction.

I think the best way I can answer this question is to copy below something I wrote someone who asked about family planning, or birth control. Here is what I wrote:

As for your question about using birth control, I have to say that I see nothing in the Bible that presents it as a wrong choice (and I’ve looked because we’ve had other inquiries about this). Birth control, as long as it does not take the life of the baby (like having an abortion), is something that can be wise and isn’t against God’s will for us to use.

I believe God created sex for several reasons, two of them being to experience pleasure and intimate connectivity WITHIN MARRIAGE — to “cleave” together as one — to help us feel closer to each other emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. It’s actually a sacred act within marriage. (We have several articles on our web site in the “Sexual Issues” section on this subject.)

In the book, “A Celebration of Sex” which is a Christian book by Dr Douglas E Rosenau, (which we recommend) there are several pages dedicated to birth control. He says, “The Genesis passage of being fruitful and multiplying is in the context of God’s giving humankind control of the natural world. We are to be wise stewards of the children God places in our care. To choose to have one or two or five has to be a thoughtful and prayerful decision. You as a couple will have to sort through which method of birth control best fits you as you consider personal sensitivities and values. … It is good for all of us to remember that God values family and procreation with the planting of seed and the possibility of contraception. Thinking through birth control requires us to sort through our theology of procreation and life, and the deeper meaning of lovemaking in God’s overall sexual economy.”

I believe God gave us a brain to think with and use (with His guidance). After praying about it, if we don’t believe it would be good to have a baby during a certain time period (or even to ever have a baby), then using some type of method to prevent pregnancy, would appear to be wise. Every baby that comes into this world is to be seen as a blessing from God — that we care for and raise as the Lord would have us. If we aren’t ready to have a child for one reason or another or we think we might not be good parents then it would seem to me to be wise to use birth control.

If, on the other hand, you become pregnant because the birth control method didn’t work, then you need to view it as God’s way of telling you that He will help you to love and care for this baby. You did your part to prevent pregnancy but if God over-rides your preventative actions, then this would be God’s will for you to lovingly raise the child the Lord has decided to give you.

All of this is something you must pray about as a couple and come to the conclusion that you believe God gives you. I believe He leads couples in different ways on this matter. So seek His wisdom, His heart, and His will for you in your marriage and go the way God leads you.

I hope this helps in some way. May God lead you in His way.

Some people can’t have even one drink, because they don’t have the self-control to hold themselves back from going for more and falling into drunkenness. Others can have one or two and do just fine. You have to know what works for you and your partner, because you don’t want to add pressure upon him. The better question might be, “How much can we hold back to reserve for our marriage? How much are we willing to sacrifice in this area to honor God and each other?” It’s not about legalism, but rather saving as much of a blessing that you will enjoy together for later, after you are married.

But I highly encourage you to read and perhaps re-read the articles, quotes, and testimonies we have posted in this section of the web site and the articles we provided links for you to read. I pray God will speak to your heart to see the importance of NOT continuing to open the gift of sexual intimacy before you make the covenant marriage vow to each other as husband and wife. God has many reasons why He has set up these standards, and whether we understand or like them or not (or even if we find them difficult to follow) there are very real consequences for not following them.

Your fiance may not understand God’s reasoning in this, and you may not as well, but God never asked us to understand, He told us to obey.

It is clear throughout the Bible that man’s opinions and understandings are not to sway us. Jesus is to be our Lord — not the ways of others. Let’s face it; in Noah’s day, everyone else had contrary opinions as to how they should live their lives; but everyone but Noah and his family was wrong. Noah and his family were saved as a result of their obedience.

Imagine the pressure and doubts they experienced as they were ridiculed by everyone around them for such a prolonged period of time while following God’s demands– especially since they had so little understanding of why they were doing what they were doing (in building an ark and gathering animals). They had never experienced anything like the type of rain promised. The temptation to give up must have been tremendous. If you read Hebrews 11 you will see many who faced temptations to quit, and yet they never did give up.

I encourage you to read Hebrews 12 as well, because you may find it strengthening and helpful in the battle to persevere against giving into temptation.

The Bible tells us that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

It is tremendously difficult to stop having sexual relations with each other — especially since you love each other and since you’ve already gone down that road before. But I implore you and pray you will do whatever you can to either get married sooner so you don’t have to battle temptation for as long, or you will find ways to stay out of places where you have the ability to give in again before your wedding day.

The truth is, if you’re never alone in a room together until your wedding day, you won’t be able to do what you shouldn’t be doing. Don’t put your head in a lion’s mouth and then act surprised if he bites down. Keep your head out of the lion’s mouth (remember the Bible calls the devil a “roaring lion” wanting to devour us) and keep yourselves out of places where you could give into temptation and you won’t get into trouble.

God can use this time to help you to mature in your faith and your character. Trust me, marriage is for grown-ups that are mature — not for those who are weak-willed and lacking in strength of character! Look at the divorce rate if you don’t believe me. This will be only a beginning in all the ways your maturity will be challenged after you marry. "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

We will be praying that you will join together in being strong and do what it takes to keep yourself pure until your wedding day. May God strengthen and help you and bless your efforts in following His ways!

We’re both Christians but he believes that we are one already. I disagree with him and tell him that I’m so afraid that we will pay the price later but he doesn’t see it that way. We stop the intimacy whenever I make control over it, but there are times when I’m very weak. It’s hard to completely stop it especially when you have already tried it and enjoyed it before. We will get married in 10 months time which is a very long period to abandon sex. I’m in such a conflict because I can’t always control the desire and at the same time I’m terrified of reaping the results… Can someone pray for me and give me advice? Thanks. RR

If you have, then you can count on God’s forgiveness and grace because the Bible says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and will purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives” (1 John 1:9-10).

It also says, “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:11-12).

So in answer to your question, yes, if you confess and turn from the wrong you were doing, God forgives and removes that blot from your heart. He doesn’t remove the past memory of it or whatever consequences that may occur because of what you did in the past (the sin of King David is an example — while he repented, he still suffered from the consequences of his past sin), but you are forgiven and given the grace of being in full fellowship with God once again.

It’s always good to start doing what God asks of us. Even if you sinned 1000 in the past, the fact that you didn’t go on to sin 1001 times, pleases His heart and prevents additional consequences and pain. I pray you will receive His grace and will bathe in His love and approval. Your life and your eventual marriage will be all the richer for it!