The following are quotes and thoughts from various resources on the subject of Surviving Infidelity and Safe-guarding the marriage so the ability to build up and give into temptation is defused. We pray they will minister to your situation:
• We all have those moments that some call “suddenly’s”. Moments that forever change the path of our lives. That moment for my husband and me happened on a cold January evening in 1993. Gary came home and confessed to a three year adulterous affair. What followed that confession is a blur of pain and confusion that some counselors liken to post traumatic stress syndrome. Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends”, tells us that according to therapists who treat couples, infidelity is the second most difficult relationship problem, surpassed only by domestic violence. The point is this; adultery is undeniably an overwhelming issue that requires additional resources for the couple attempting to recover. (Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful — Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity)
• In the initial stages after discovering a spouse’s betrayal, it is very difficult to cope. We go into shock, sometimes anger, we can’t think straight. Some of us behave like obsessive neurotics, doing all we can to win back our spouse (as if it were our fault in the first place). ‘Surviving Infidelity.’ This would be an appropriate term because that is exactly what we are doing, surviving one moment at a time.
Most of us reported the inability to eat or sleep and significant weight loss. We were unable to cope with our regular jobs. One woman reported being on the edge of an emotional break down. Another remembered having to go to her job, only to find herself racing out of an important meeting to vomit, and then returning, attempting to appear somewhat composed. Embarrassed, ashamed and not free to share the truth, she commented to those concerned, “I must have gotten food poisoning.”
We must live through this mess. We have no choice, but how? How can we go about the overwhelming task of surviving infidelity? One day at a time? No, even that is too much. When I was going through it, I survived only one moment at a time. (Anne Bercht, from article “Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity” featured at www.beyondaffairs.com)
• Where did I go wrong? Did I cause this? Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint where someone’s compulsive sexual activity originated because many factors lead to sexual betrayal in marriage. Often, people hope that by getting married they will cure their compulsive behavior once and for all. The problems are not so easily buried, however, and the behavior will usually re-emerge in the marriage.
Because affairs are the end result of so many things, if you are wondering if you did something to cause your spouse’s behavior, rest assured the answer is no. All marriages have deficits and all marriages have difficult problems, but not all marriages experience affairs as a result of these problems. The good news is, now that the behavior is in the open, you can work towards resolving it and discover healthy ways of addressing the issues in your relationship. (From the Affair Recovery Center web site at www.affairrecovery.com)
• How does one rebuild trust in a marriage after an affair? Very slowly, as the infidel proves himself or herself trustworthy repeatedly over time. We believe trust cannot be reestablished by only one person—it requires hard work by both husband and wife. That means the infidel will have to prove himself or herself over and over again. That means the spouse will have to be open to rebuilding the trust. However, trust does not require blinders. We don’t trust because we know what will or will not happen. We trust someone because we know choose to believe he or she will make the right choice.
What worked well for us was Gary’s willingness to be accountable for all things. Mona didn’t have to check on him; he initiated the contact and checked in. He avoided all situations that could have even a hint of deception, and thus Mona didn’t feel a need to monitor everything he did. The onus really seems to fall on the infidel here. This person sets the stage and the atmosphere. If he or she is willing to be open about activities, phone calls, travel plans, and to go out of the way to include a spouse in decisions, the spouse is able to relax. When the infidel is willing to be transparent, then both husband and wife can move through the slow yet rewarding process of rebuilding trust. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful”)
• What if my spouse won’t admit there’s a problem? It is not necessary for your spouse to admit there is a problem for God to begin working. God does not allow these types of situations in our lives to bring problems to us, but rather to reveal problems in us. The healing process may well begin as we stop living to the demands of our spouse and begin looking to God for our peace and security. As we place our faith in God, in time He will reveal His truth to us. In the meantime, there are others who have been where you are now who can help you uncover the truth as well as provide their insight and support on how to survive the ordeal you are facing. (Affair Recovery Center web site at www.affairrecovery.com)
• The first temptation of the abandoned person is to deny that abandonment has happened and to hide their true feelings. Denial will not change the reality. We encourage you to feel your pain, to realize that every one of the emotions that surged through you in the first moments and every moment since then is a normal sensation. In fact, it would be abnormal not to feel those emotions. Be poised, not pathetic. It’s very different to say, I am a person and I have this problem than to say, I am a problem, and I’ve lost my personhood.
The goal is to be a poised person who says to himself or herself, I am a person who has a problem, but I’m going to work toward a solution. Maintain your dignity as a person —refusing to accept the negative messages that the circumstances may seem to be giving you (”you’re inadequate; you’re sexually deficient; you’re dumb”). Realize that these are false messages. (Mid-Life Dimensions, www.midlife.com)
• Do not make a life altering decision while you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity. Even though it may feel as though there is no hope at all for your relationship, there may still be hope. Even though your spouse has done this awful thing, it is possible that he/she still loves you very much and perhaps you still love your spouse as well. …Many people have completely ended their relationships in the emotion of the moment, only to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to someone who is 2nd best. Later both spouses realize that they both had actually loved each other more than anyone else and they could have worked it out, had they only tried. Don’t doom yourself to a future filled with “what ifs.” (Anne Bercht, from article “Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity” featured at www.beyondaffairs.com)
• Going through the aftermath of adultery is much like grieving the death of a loved one. Whether or not you and your spouse reconcile, it is important for you to give yourself the right to grieve. You’ve been through a terrible betrayal. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You’ve been hurt and those feelings of betrayal and grief are normal and to be expected. However, it’s important that you take those feelings of hurt to the Lord and allow Him to minister to you and heal you. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit washes us with the water of the Word. The Bible is His Word. Begin to read it and allow the Lord to wash over you with healing for your emotions. (Jimmy Evans, from article “Surviving Adultery” as posted on www.growthtrac.com)
• When surviving infidelity, give yourself permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. You will never again be able to know that since your marriage you are the only one your husband/wife has ever been with. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Life will never be the same again. And it’s okay to cry about that. Then force yourself to get up, dress nicely and do something constructive every day. I know you don’t feel like it, but I’m cheering for you. You can conquer this great evil that seeks to destroy your entire existence. You’re surviving infidelity. (Anne Bercht, from article “Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity” featured at www.beyondaffairs.com)
• One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the aisle to the altar, confess his sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work. The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one.
But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately—it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)
• You will read over and over again that healing [after your spouse has committed adultery] took “time.” We all want to know just how long that time is. We have sat across from couples weary from the effort and battle, tears streaming down their faces, saying, “It’s been (insert specific time here). Isn’t that long enough?” The answer is “apparently not.” The length of your recovery and your spouse’s recovery cannot be predetermined—and most likely you will be on different time schedules. The realization that we were “fully healed” came as a surprise—a surprise that it had happened some time before.
We encourage you to give up any timetable you may have in your brain; it will only frustrate you and be detrimental to your healing. This is a marathon, not a sprint, a journey with many stops. Enjoy each small victory. Take a short holiday when you must and when you can. As long as either of you has a need to continue working, it’s not over. We can only encourage you with the fact that it is worth the journey. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful”)
• You need to work through the reasons you made the choices to choose each other and what you saw in each other that first attracted you to one another. As you work through that stuff, then you’ll rekindle some of that love and affection. Here’s what we say — If you can find 20% of your marital history at level 4 or 5 on a 1 to 5 scale, 5 being high, you have better than a 93% chance of making your marriage better than it’s ever been in two years. (Dave Carder, on program for Family Life Today www.familylife.com from series: Why do Affairs Happen? Broadcast Date: 04/25/06)
• As you and your mate restructure the intimacy in your marriage, realize that it’s going to be a two-steps-forward, one-step-backward process. Much turmoil will remain to be dealt with. Difficult days still lie ahead. But keep this thought firmly in mind: you are in the process of recovery. It won’t happen overnight; in an ultimate sense you’ll never be completely over the affair. Trauma always changes people, and it should. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)
• Experts say that the healing process after a spouse has had an affair usually takes 3-5 years.
• The road to recovery is a zigzag, not a straight line. At first, the bad days will definitely outnumber the good ones. In fact, there may not be any good days to speak of. But slowly, as you begin to talk and make sense of what happened, you will have your positive moments. Moments will turn into days. Then, you will actually have a stretch of a few good days at a time. Just when you start to get optimistic something will happen that will remind the spouse about the affair and bring back those unpleasant feelings. This rockiness and instability will occur for a very long time. You need to expect that. It doesn’t mean that this problem is insurmountable, it just means that this problem is on its way to being resolved. It happens slowly. (Michele Weiner Davis, “Divorce Recovery”)
• TESTIMONY: We got so weary, feeling like we had done all we could do. We began to ask ourselves if maybe restoring our marriage was just too hard. Then the Lord would remind us that it was indeed too hard for us, but not for Him. He would renew our strength and guide our path; He reminded us of who he was. Some days all we could do was cry out to Him, but that was enough. He who created marriage is worthy of our commitment, and we can trust Him. He is faithful. If this sounds too simplistic, we suggest you sit at His feet in prayer, honestly state your feelings, and ask for His help. Then wait and see what He does. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful.”)
• Adultery recovery is painful. We believe — we know — that when we seek the Lord and walk this road with Him, there is hope. But the pain remains. Life becomes a roller-coaster ride. You feel as if you have climbed that first and highest hill, dangled over the edge until you think you’ll burst from the suspense, and then been propelled downward at a stomach-clenching rate of speed. All the while, you realize you have no power to control the fall. The pain accompanies you along the path, the highs and the lows. And just when you think you’ve reached the end of the ride, the whole new segment becomes visible. And unlike the roller-coaster ride, there is very little “thrill” to the process.
Most of us fully understand those who say they would give all they have to get off this ride. It affects you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A weariness previously unknown saps you of your strength. In this circumstance, we can come to understand Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:9. “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
If there were only one thing we could say to you who are on this ride, it would be to ride it out. Complete the journey. To jump off in the middle of the ride may feel better now, but in the long run you will find yourself on another ride just as terrifying and painful. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful”)
• For those who are going through, or love someone someone going through, the aftermath of finding out about a spouse’s adultery: Our hearts break for you, and we want you to know there is hope. Marriages can heal. We know, because ours did. We know, because we’ve been able to support other couples facing this anguish. We also know it will be one of the hardest things you will ever go through. It would have been far easier at the time for us to split up. And we would not have been condemned for doing so. That same thing is true for many others.
We know these words seem hard to believe. When you go through this crisis, you feel as if the weight of the world is pressing down on you. Then the fiery darts from hell come faster and faster, and your shield of faith seems to offer little protection. You are fighting for your marriage with every ounce of strength you can muster until you begin to fear you’re going to lose the battle. Remember, this is where Satan wants you, and he will be faithful to keep the burners on high. Why? He wants you to become another statistic. So let us repeat ourselves: You don’t have to give up! You can make it! (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful”)
• It sounds unnecessarily painful, like picking at a scab until it bleeds. But according to a new online survey of more than 1,000 spouses whose partners have been unfaithful, the key to getting past an affair is talking about it at length, over time. Couples who do are “more likely to stay married and more likely to recover personally,” says Peggy Vaughan, author of Beyond Affairs and The Monogamy Myth.
“There’s no such thing as the one talk,” says Vaughan, who has studied extramarital affairs for 25 years. “There’s no quick fix. It is a long-term process.” (Smartmarriages® – Subject: How can you mend a broken vow? – 9/3/02)
• Avoid rapid-fire questioning. Ask questions slowly, always asking yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with the rest of your life. (Rick Reynolds, from the article, “How to Survive Infidelity”, www.affairrecovery.com)
• When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn’t they be told what they want to know. They feel they’re being treated like a child, and they resent it. While it’s important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you “should” ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It’s just that it’s essential to get answers if you DO ask.
…Each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It’s important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, “not knowing” is worst of all — because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases. (Peggy Vaughan, from the article, “The Need to Know” posted on www.beyondaffairs.com)
• To the person who had the affair: If your spouse is the sort of person who requires lots of information in order to feel better about the affair, you should be honest. I know this is very difficult and you may be tempted to withhold information, thinking that you’re protecting your spouse. …Sometimes you’ll question whether sharing information is a good idea because your spouse reacts so badly to the things you’ve said. But if your spouse determines that the road to recovery is paved with brutal honesty, that’s the path you need to take no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
…Remember, healing is a process, not a quick fix. Just because your spouse was fine on Monday doesn’t mean s/he will be fine on Thursday. It also doesn’t mean that sharing information isn’t working. Some people think, “I told him/her what happened. If that was so useful, why is s/he still having a problem and needing to talk about it constantly? That’s just the way improvement happens … in waves. You need to continue to be forthcoming, from now until forever. (Michele Weiner Davis, “Divorce Recovery”)
• I know a couple who came very close to divorcing. He had an affair and his wife had a hard time trusting him, especially if he was late for dinner or late coming home after work. Once when he was late, she accused him of seeing “her” again. He was about to defend himself and speak harsh words to her about “this never-ending mistrust.” But instead, he thought for a few seconds before opening his mouth and realized just how forgiving and loving she is to have stayed in the marriage. Then when he opened his mouth, he spoke words of kindness and love by saying, “Thank you for your commitment to me and forgiveness.
By questioning me now and then, it only proves to me how much you love me, and I’m so grateful to you!” When he started to react, he caught himself remembering what a great wife she is. That is James 1:19 in action [which says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"]. What a blessing to be able to respond to any situation with positive, uplifting words. This is truly a mark of maturity. Will you take responsibility for your words when you find yourself in a potentially explosive conflict? (Dr Gary Smalley, from www.dnaofrelationships.com)
• A recovery process must begin with a clean break from the partner. All shared artifacts —pictures, mementos, and other physical representations of their history together—need to be expunged from the infidel’s life. This means the partners separate physically—move to different locations, change jobs, and so on. It certainly requires them to go to different churches. If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering infidel will struggle with the knowledge of the partner’s whereabouts and will be tempted to renew contact during the bouts of doubt and rejection by the spouse that occur in subsequent phases of recovery. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)
• Shirley Glass (psychologist, author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003)
• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: First Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.
Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (”you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes — scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)
• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)
• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore.
I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred. What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage, posted on the web site www.troubledwith.com)
• Regarding temptation: I urge you to be wary of pride in your own infallibility. The minute you begin thinking that an affair “would never happen to me” is when you become most vulnerable. We are sexual creatures with powerful urges. We are also fallen beings with strong desires to do wrong. That is what temptation is all about. Do not give it a place in your life. My father once wrote, “Strong desire is like a powerful river. As long as it stays within the banks of God’s will, all will be proper and clean. But when it overflows those boundaries, devastation awaits downstream.”
Some time ago I discovered a little recognized, but universal, characteristic of human nature: We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. This helps explain the incredible power that the lure of infidelity can have on our behavior. Nevertheless, God promises to provide a “way out” of temptation if we will look for it (1 Corinthians 10:13). Keep looking for the way out and you’ll keep building up trust in your marriage. (Dr James Dobson, Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy)
• Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
• Make a pact with a friend of the same sex regarding purity and sexual fidelity to your spouse. Agree to share and ask questions regarding the details of relationships with members of the opposite sex apart from your spouse. Memorize a verse to recall in times of challenge. Recommendation: 1 Corinthians 10:13 says: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (From the book, Lasting Love…How to Avoid Marital Failure -by Alistair Begg, Moody Press)
• Safe-guard your marriage. If you take care of how things look, you’ll end up taking care of how things are. (Jerry Jenkins on Focus on the O Family 3/13/99)
• An unaccountable man is an accident waiting to happen. If you don’t have someone asking you after you go on a business trip, “how did you do?” you’re an accident waiting to happen. (Pastor Kevin Butcher)
• Psychologist Dave Carder, a family therapist in Fullerton, Calif., says business travelers “are on a slippery slope headed for trouble” any time they go out to an entertainment venue, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals together, have time “to build a social, platonic friendship” and return to the same hotel. “Secrecy is the protection; alcohol is the barrier buster; and availability lights the fire.” (Gary Stoller, from the article, Infidelity is in the Air for Road Warriors, USA TODAY – April 20, 2007)
• A recipe for adultery: A man named BL, who was talking about how an adulterous relationship began said: “I just felt like I could talk so easily to her. I could share things with her. She was on my level; she could so easily comfort me. And then she was in a bad marriage, too.” Here’s what Dennis Rainey said: “Now there’s a recipe for adultery! I want to remind you of something. Before this man ever had a physical affair, it started out as an emotional affair. Little by little, he allowed his loyalties to his wife to erode, and his affections for her began to wander—which is why it’s critical that all of us guard against inappropriate conversations and emotional transparency with the opposite sex in the workplace.
Most husbands and wives are separate from each other for at least nine hours a day. Now that’s a huge chunk of time! One final thought. Why don’t you go on the offensive? Invest in your husband or wife. Nurture your affection and protect your marriage from harm. You can choose today to say, ‘No,’ to an emotional affair and say, ‘Yes!’ to your marriage.” (Dennis Rainey, www.familylife.com, Recipe for Adultery, Broadcast Date: 03/06/07)
• 3 ways to escape sexual temptation: (1) God offers only one solution to the problem of sexual temptation—don’t allow yourself to be tempted. Run, avoid, stay away, leave, flee, turn it off, don’t buy it, and get out of there. Beat feet when sexual temptation comes. Running is God’s only solution to dealing with sexual temptation. (2) Nobody can be trusted with sexual temptation. Pastors, counselors, neighbors, friends and relatives shouldn’t be trusted. Too much time in the wrong setting will cause anyone to fall to sexual sin. (3) Since you know you can’t be trusted, police yourself. Think through an evaluation of your high-risk areas and determine what you are going to do about them. (Excerpted from Counter Attack, by Jay Carty)
• The Bible tells us that “each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:14-15). Temptation, enticement, desire, sin, death … those are the steps infidelity takes. Because of that, we have to put boundaries in place that keep us from stepping into situations where temptation can take place. (Jill Savage, from article, “8 Safeguards Against Getting Too Close, Marriage Partnership Magazine, Summer 2006)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• The most important step you can take to affair-proof your marriage is to improve the connection between you and your husband. Keeping fun and excitement in your marriage, praying daily for your marriage, and having close friends who are happily married are some of your best defenses against temptation. (The Walk Out Woman – by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray)
• Remember, a thirty-five-year marriage does not guarantee a year number thirty-six. Take nothing for granted just because you have it today. (Jim Smoke)
• Don’t forget to nurture your marriage. We can take a lesson on the way affairs happen by looking at King David. He put himself in the way of temptation when: (1) He chose to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. (2) He chose to be unaccountable. (3) He got proud and minimized the power of his flesh. (2 Samuel 5:10 and Deuteronomy 17:17) (4) He minimized the power of the enemy. (5) He stopped nurturing his marriage to Michel. (Chapter 6) (6) He wasn’t nurturing his own heart. (Pastor Kevin Butcher)
• Researcher Peggy Vaughan and William Harley Jr. have identified four specific things you can do as a couple now to prevent cheating later: —Talk about attractions — Commit to honesty — Make your spouse your favorite recreational companion — Spend time together, without children or friends, during the week. Watching TV and sleeping do not count as spending time together.
• To reconstruct the marriage, you have to put up a wall with the affair partner, and put up a window inside the marriage. Answering a spouse’s questions about what happened in the affair is a way to reverse the process. It’s a matter of who’s on the inside and who’s on the outside? Sometimes people will open windows but not put up walls. Sometimes they put up walls but don’t open the windows. Unless you do both, you can not rebuild safety and trust in the marriage. (Dr Shirley Glass, in the article “Shattered Walls” on www.growthtrac.com)
• For the betrayed, God says that His ear is attentive to your cry, in other words, He will comfort you (Isaiah 66:13 / Psalm 34:15-18). To the one who betrayed, He says, “Repent and turn from your wicked ways, and I will restore you” (2 Chronicles 7:14 / Psalms 103:12).
Whatever you may be facing, turn to Him as you face it because nothing is impossible with God, and He always works on behalf of the person who is committed to Him and is trying to do the right thing.
Scriptures for healing your heart:
Isaiah 59:1
Psalm 18:6
Psalm 34:17-18
Proverbs 3:5
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
1 Peter 1:6-9
1 John 1:9
(Jimmy Evans, from article “Surviving Adultery” as posted on www.growthtrac.com)
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(HARRIS) I’m going through infidelity right now. I’m angry but I don’t want a divorce. I love the thought of being married and I know with God’s help he will restore my marriage. My marriage will be even stronger than before because this time God will be the soul of it so please pray for Andre & Candi.
(USA) I am having an emotional affair with a sexy younger woman for 1 and half years. I have been married for over 30 years. I am 51 she is 36. I really enjoy her company, but my wife is extremely jealous of our friendship!
(NYC) Stan, And can you blame her??? Jeez… she has only dedicated 30 yrs of her life to you.
(USA) Stan… you need to break all contact from this lady ASAP! I just found out my wife had an emotional affair again with a friend of hers from High School. I feel betrayed and angry right now. God is with me though, I need him more than ever. I pray that you listen to your wife as she feels she is not worthy of your love and in competition with this other women. Set boundaries and the only person your emotions are for, IS YOUR WIFE! I pray God tugs at your heart hard so you can renew the healing the needs to take place in your marriage.
(NYC USA) Been there, done that! It is very hard without destroying the other woman. Be very careful please, cause she is the victim.
(USA) How do we receive peace after this?
(USA) If the "other woman" (the one with whom the married man is having an affair, emotional or otherwise) knows that the man is married, then she went into it with her eyes open. She cannot be a victim in that case, other than being a victim of her own wrongdoing. Everyone having affairs, even if they are just verbal, knows it is wrong and inappropriate.
Even if she doesn’t, if she respects the married man as a friend, then she should have enough respect and concern to honor his boundaries he might set up to protect his own marriage. If the other woman did not know that the man is married, then the man has created not one but two victims – his wife and his "mistress."
Either way – this situation is wrong. I agree with Pete – cut off all contact with someone who is not your spouse. The only exception would be a spiritual mentor or pastor, but even in those circumstances, the person who needs mentoring eventually needs to be transitioned over to a mature Christian of the same gender to prevent Satan from taking advantage.
Why/when should a spouse EVER have to be sorry or feel bad about standing up for doing what’s right? What God wants is undefiled marriages, not infidelity of any sort. The other woman is, at that point, in God’s hands.
Do what is right. Pray for all the people in your life but do what is right. Worrying about "victims" shows concern, but if it prevents doing the Godly thing and taking God’s desired course of action, then that’s letting Satan win. That’s selfish concern. If the other woman’s emotional status is a concern then give it to God. It’s a cost that goes along with sin….that’s where the lessons are learned. But one cannot learn lessons if one never does the right thing and chooses to remain in sin.
I shudder to think what God would do or how He would react to someone who knowingly remained in a sin. I wouldn’t want to be that person. Love and prayers, LT
(UNITED STATES) I don’t know where to begin. I feel like I’ve died with my husband’s betrayal. He is 57 yrs old. His prostitute is 33 (sex-worker since age 15). He waited until I left the Overseas area to begin his affair. I was with him through his heart attack and recovering from a major heart surgery, when he decided to try out his wares. He told me he met the prostitute through a friend at work and started the "business transaction" meetings.
All the money we saved went to pay this little Japanese prostitute with 3 children, and it wasn’t cheap – $200 per hour, room, drinks and other entertainment separate. After a loss of $27,000 after 5 months with her, and she was repeatedly arrested for soliciting for sex and drugs, he decided it was time to come back to me but not until they’d produced a sex video and many still pictures of their acts.
He tried to comfort me by saying she was just a prostitute, he had no feelings for her, it was just something stupid that happened. He said he paid her not to sex him but for him to perform oral sex on her because of his medical conditions and medication. It was embarrassing for him not to be able to perform and the sex video tells it all.
He did not consider safe sex because he said the condoms were bothersome. He did not even stop to think what number he was every night when they would meet. He did not stop to think about disease. He proudly proclaimed she was a clean prostitute. Now he is suffering from Herpes and thrush. How can I forgive and move on?
If he was only looking for sexual satisfaction, the kind he said he would not do to me because it’s disrespectful, why the same woman over and over? He said he did not have any feelings for her but they were together for 5 months. He said he would never imagine himself with her, but if she were not a prostitute maybe things could have been different. Where am I in this man’s life? I’m his third wife and he boasts of being with more than 30 women in his lifetime. He is an insulin dependent diabetic aside from the heart ailment. Help, I’ve become so depressed from this event in my life. I love him so much, but I cannot trust him any longer. I feel like I’m in an electric chair with the current soon to "zap" my life.
(US) I am married for 7 years and my husband have been unfaithful for all those years. I had no proof until after 3 yrs that he had an open affair. It lasted for 2 yrs. He left the affair and returned to me promising to make his marriage work. A few weeks ago I discovered he was having another affair and got his mistress pregnant. He shows no sign of repentance, nor acknowledges his wrong doings. He had accepted Jesus as his savior and is indeed a backslider. Words cannot express my dismay, but I prefer to forget about him than try to make this marriage work. He has eroded any positive feelings or thoughts about this marriage to me. We have 2 girls and I am presently pregnant.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Marital infidelity causes so much pain of which the other partner does not deserve. How do you heal this broken person, after all this? It’s hard… I don’t even know where to start.
(BAHAMAS) I am guilty of having an affair, that has ruined my marriage. I made excuses to say I was driven to it. But I chose to be unfaithful; I should have known better. When I think of the pain I caused my wife, I know I deserve to be treated like scum. There is no excuse that can cover my sins. All this happened 7 years ago and I am still trying to get back together with my wife. She has deservedly become bitter towards me, but I keep trying, hoping God will give her the strength to really forgive me. The thought of not having her in my life, brings me to tears. We have been married 27 years, I was a fool to risk it all. I knew she had faults but I used them as a excuse to justify my affair. I have since rededicated my life to Christ and am serving him with my all. It’s even harder for me to know that God had always intended for us to remain together until death. I am still praying for a breakthrough. If one does not come soon, I may have to accept my punishment of not having the only woman I ever loved by my side.
(USA) When do you just fade into the night and when do you confess? I am so wrong. I have been unfaithful MANY TIMES in the last 5 years. I think maybe I should just quietly ask for a divorce and not put her through the pain of an attempted reconciliation. She knows I am a self-pleasuring, Internet porn person. She knows I have been involved in chat.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I have just discovered that my husband has been cheating. I am so much in pain to the extent that I have developed ulcers.
(USA) I am on the road to recovery and hit a bump along the way. My husband cheated on me 3 years ago and a child was conceived from the affair. I thought by now it would be easier, but it is getting harder by the months. My husband sees his child 3 times a week, 2 times are spent with his child away from our home. How can he make a clean break and still remain in his child life? I have spoken to him regarding making changes in his visitation in order to decrease my suspicion and negative feelings to no avail. He only says that I am jealous and that I need to trust him. He also says I am trying to seperate his time he spends with his only child. I don’t feel that I am trying to do anything but keep our family intact. I do not want to think he is spending "family time" with the woman he had the affair since he has a family at home nor do I want to continue think they are still intimately involved. Is there any hope?
(PHILIPPINES) My husband is a cheater too. We are now currently at it. But the other woman was his first girlfriend and experience. He went through all the trouble in finding her. We are 19 yrs married, have 3 children. He was so different now. So much different. I’d like to be dead. He/they are still hurting me up to now.
(USA) I have had hints that my husband was cheating but never really acted on them. What a fool I was. I just recently found out that he has been cheating on me — with at least four different women. We have been married for less than two years. I am trying to save my marriage, mainly because of financial reasons. This is worst than most cases I have heard about but I am not financially able to get out.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) I feel very discouraged. How am I supposed to behave after so many betrayals by my husband? Does anybody have a good sound suggestion?
(USA) To Terry. I know how you feel. My husband had a female friend from work that turned into an emotional affair for 17 years. I think this last year would have turned into a sexual affair if I hadn’t discovered the real truth and gave him an ultimatum.
I know how much the betrayal hurts. It’s like mourning a death. It will take time to heal. Do you still plan on staying together? It has been 3 months since he cut all ties with her. We are trying to move on; but some days I just don’t feel like I want to.
There are 2 books out right now by Gary Neuman. They are terrific reads. He was just on Oprah and I made my husband watch. There is more I could add but I want to wish you luck. Give yourself time. The pain will lessen but you will never forget. Prayer will help, too.
(ZAMBIA) It has been 2 months since my domestic worker told me of how my husband forced her to have sex with her. The pain is still fresh, and most of my days are filled with crying, I cry myself to sleep. I am a shadow of myself, I have not laughed in these 2 months.
Can someone just explain the kind of sexual temptation my husband was in? Surely he was not having an affair with my domestic worker. Now he really hates her.
Quoting from "Surviving Infidelity" (3 Ways to escape sexual temptation) ‘too much time in the wrong setting will cause anyone to fall to sexual sin’.
Could leaving my husband alone with the domestic worker everyday as I go for work be the reason that he fell into this kind of sexual temptation? I work from 08.00 hours to 17.00 hours and never go home for lunch. My husband has not been working for nearly 2 years now, and is usually at home. From the way the domestic worker explained she never consented, in short my husband had been forcing himself on her.
Right now I am so confused, I just need answers. My husband told me he is tired of explaining to me the same thing over and over again, and he tells me to let go. At the moment I have mixed emotions and I am just contemplating divorcing him, but he does not want divorce himself. If he loved me enough why did he have to do it, especially with just a vulnerable domestic worker?
Please, people of God help me. I know at the end of the day the choice will still be mine, either to leave him or forgive him. It’s always encouraging to get advice from people who fear the Lord.
(USA) Dear Mary, My heart really goes out to you over this. I can only imagine how devastating and confusing this must be for you. I’m sure there isn’t anyone who has read what you have gone through that wouldn’t deeply feel compassion for the many tears you have and will cry over this. I’m so very sorry that you have had to experience such betrayal. And I’m sure the Lord also and especially hurts for you. He has experienced betrayal from those He loves. This is so heart-breaking.
It’s difficult to say what exactly goes on in the mind of someone who decides to lower themselves enough to cheat like this — especially with someone who says she didn’t consent. It certainly doesn’t sound like love on your husband’s part. It sounds like lust that was given opportunity.
I’m reminded of the account of Amnon and the rape of Tamar, in the Bible in 2 Samuel 13. Amnon saw what he wanted and found an opportunity and took it. He then hated her afterward. I’m sure her presence reminded him of his own guilt in the situation and so he wanted nothing around him (including her) that would cause him to face his sin.
I’m not surprised that your husband “hates” this woman. And I’m not surprised that he wants you to stop bringing up this subject repeatedly. But keep in mind that he is the perpetrator and you, and this woman are the victims here. I don’t know her part in all of this, and you may never know, but from what you’ve written, she may be truthful in this.
If your husband truly wants to stay together, he should do all he can to help you to heal and will stop looking at how this “tires” him out when you feel you need more from him. You need to make sure that he is willing to help you to heal and be totally honest in the future. If he isn’t, then you cannot build a future with someone like that. If he isn’t truly repentant and ready to change his behavior now and in the future, your marriage could be at peril and your heart will be open for more hurt.
As far as “too much time in the wrong setting” causing someone to fall into sexual sin, that could be true of many, many people. (From the Bible we can see that Joseph is one example where that didn’t happen, but David is an example where it did. So it shows that even good people fall, but some don’t.) With that said, that’s one of the reasons why we try to get married couples to work as a team in protecting each other from sexual temptation. Even the best can fall. So it’s best to do what you can to build protection into your life so it lessens the opportunities.
I can say that I wouldn’t put my marriage in that place if I could at ALL prevent it. I trust my husband. But I don’t trust the enemy of our faith and the pull that could happen if Steve was alone with a woman that many hours repeatedly with no one around. I don’t THINK he would fall, but I wouldn’t want to take that chance. Steve and I work hard to protect each other and not allow ourselves personally to be put in places where we could give in to temptations. We have put “hedges” up in our marriage. You can read about hedges and putting guidelines together to protect your marriage in the “Extramarital Affair” section.
As far as what you can do now Mary, I really encourage you to read everything you can on our web site as far as how to heal from this. There are also other web sites we recommend that you can visit and resources you can obtain to help you with this. Make it your mission. Pray that God will help you in healing your heart. It will take you a long time and unfortunately, you will never be the same. But you can eventually adjust to a new “normal” as you lean into God’s healing. I’ve seen this repeatedly so I know it’s possible. I pray you get there.
Ask God to show you what you should ask of your husband and what you shouldn’t. One thing for sure, I wouldn’t have another Domestic Worker in my home when he is there. He has shown a HUGE weakness with this. And he needs to be helping you at home more. If he isn’t working outside of the home, then he needs to contribute to working inside of it. (It might motivate him to finding SOME kind of job … even if it isn’t what he would want.) I know that opportunity may have a lot to do with him getting a job, but within 2 years, he can demonstrate that he is willing to do SOMETHING to contribute to the household.
And the thought that he could have raped this woman would also haunt me. I don’t know the facts, but I would certainly have problems with this. There hasn’t been anything said about whether his actions will be dealt with legally, but if he’s guilty, he should be prosecuted — husband or not.
I don’t know if your marriage can survive this. But I encourage you to pray a LOT about what you should do. It’s amazing what God can do in and through us as we lean upon Him. Ask God for wisdom and mercy and help in doing what is best for all concerned. I pray the Lord will help you to heal and help you to smile once again, and help you to be whole again. My love and prayers are with you. Cindy
(ZAMBIA) Cindy, thank you for your post. I read it over and over again. I have been married to my husband for 7 years, and my domestic worker has been with us for 4 years. My husband has no criminal record, whatsoever. When he was working things were fine between us. He would come home on time and all that time I have never at one time suspected him having any girlfriend. He was always loyal, and just whatever happened came as a blow to me.
My maid told me of the ordeal almost one month after it happened. I asked her why she could not scream when he had sex with her. She said she just laid there and tried to fight him but he was much too strong for her. He also begged her not to tell me and promised it would not happen again. But it happened again, and that is why she came to my house with her mother, confessed everything, and decided to stop work there and then.
Upon asking her why she could report him to the police if she claims he raped her, she said she had forgiven him but would not continue working and that she did not want to go to all the trouble as she already has somebody who is marrying her in December this year.
My husband has an income he gets every month. Somehow, he contributes where finances are concerned. On the issue of him doing the chores at home, men in African culture usually don’t do all the work at home. They do help, but not to do all the house hold chores.
I read the scripture you gave me, and I will touch the articles you suggested on this same website.
We met my pastor two weeks ago for counselling. It did not help me much, as my husband was a bit reluctant. The Pastor is coming again today to meet with me and my husband. We married when both of us were not believers, I got saved 2 years ago and my husband is still not a believer. This time he says he will accommodate the pastor because he knows he is guilty. I will update you of the outcome. I really need to pray very hard because I am still very hurt. Keep on praying for me.
(USA) Dear Mary, I’m so glad your husband has conceded to “accommodate” your Pastor. That is a good thing, and who knows what God can do in talking to his heart? But I would still be cautious. Even though he doesn’t have a criminal record, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t capable of doing something criminal. When he forced himself upon this woman, it was nothing less than criminal. No matter what temptation he experienced, he did not have a right to force himself upon her.
As far as your future together, that is something you need to work out with your husband and what the Lord tells your heart. Even so, I would never trust him alone with any woman worker again. He has shown a horrible lack of judgment. I understand that your culture doesn’t include having men do housework, but even so, it would be better to bend this cultural custom, than to have him violate another woman who would be at his disposal if they were alone together. That is my humble opinion.
I, and many others, will be praying for you and your marriage and your husband and also for this woman. She may have “somebody who is marrying her” but she has been gravely violated and truly needs God’s mercy to help her to deal with the images and fears that she is sure to have because of what happened to her. May God help all of you to go forward with God.
(ZAMBIA) Thank you Cindy. I will take your advice seriously. I hope you did not think I was defending him. I am sad he committed that crime, and am far from trusting him ever again. I will definitely set boundaries especially where female workers or female relatives are concerned.
I am just holding on to this marriage because everyone is asking me to forgive him. I may be in a supermarket, everyone is talking about forgiveness (not that I have shared my problem). My pastor is talking about forgiveness. I bought a certain book, its also full of forgiving articles. Is this really a coincidence?
My husband had a talk alone with the pastor yesterday, but he is coming again tomorrow to speak to both of us. I will keep on praying so that God heals my damaged emotions and also keep on praying for my husband who has trouble with faith issues. I am letting God take control of my situation. Thank you for your prayers.
(USA) Hi Mary, I want you to know that I love your heart. You are truly trying to do what is right — both in the eyes of God but also what is best for all concerned. I don’t think it is a coincidence that all around you, it seems that you are hearing about the subject of forgiveness. I believe that is the Holy Spirit trying to spare you additional pain. God tells us in the Bible in Hebrews 12, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” I believe He requires this of us to help us, not to hurt us.
What you have gone through and will go through because of what occurred in your marriage and your home could drive any human being to become bitter and unforgiving. But God knows that bitterness and unforgiveness acts like a cancer within us and works to destroy the good we have within us. It also hurts those around us that are innocent because it forever changes in a negative way who you are. God wants to spare you as much of that as possible.
This may be a long journey for you to be able to fully forgive your husband. You will do well one moment and then a bitterness will spring up unexpectedly and will try to take root within your heart and soul and blind-side you. I encourage you to work through the issues but to continually work to let go of whatever bitter feelings you may experience and hand them over to God. He is able and willing to do that for you. It’s ok to be angry. That is an emotion you can work through and should work through, after-all, you were victimized in this. But don’t live there continually and work to get through it and past it eventually.
To understand what I’m trying to explain, I encourage you to visit the section on the web site titled “Bitterness and Forgiveness.” I hope that you will work through it and that it will help you on this journey. Keep in mind that eventually you MUST come to the place of forgiving your husband. It may take a while, but God asks this of you. It is more for your benefit than for anyone else’s. You will eventually see that. God loves you and as your heavenly Father, He wants to help you to work through that which has hurt you.
Whether you reconcile in your marriage is a separate issue that you should lay before God and in your heart to decide. Just because we forgive, that doesn’t mean that we must stay in a place where we allow someone who is unrepentant to hurt us again. I’m confident that the Lord will guide you to make a right decision.
You are doing things the right way, from what I can perceive. I’m proud of you for not making any hasty decisions, in working this out with the Lord and your pastor and your husband in a wise manner. May the Lord redeem that which is so deeply hurting your heart. May He breathe hope into your heart that you will one day be able to smile again and experience the joy of the Lord.
(ZAMBIA) Hello, Cindy. Yesterday I could not work because I was so very down. I am feeling very low today as well. I have been trying to let go of the resentment, but I am not strong enough, am losing hope.
(USA) Dear Mary, I pray the Lord renews your strength and infuses you with hope. I pray that as bad as things may look right now, you will eventually be able to see beyond the pain that they won’t stay that way forever. I pray the Lord helps you to be able to put one foot in front of the other so you can get through today, and then tomorrow, and to keep going with renewed strength until a new day comes upon you where you can run with the Lord. Please know that I will be praying for you. Cindy
(US) My husband after 37 years is involved with another woman. It started out as a friendship, but he is now seeing her all of the time. We are separated and I just found out that she has left her husband also. How do I cope with this, my heart and spirit is broken? Plus, my daughter is going through cancer, I need some help.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Cindy, My question is that how do you begin to forgive your husband, a man of God, for cheating on you? I have been married for 12 years and my husband still wants to continue seeing the other women. I pray to the Lord to forgive and try to understand what we are going through. He claims this is a man thing. How do I begin to accept such a thing?
(USA) You forgive the same way Christ forgave you. He is Holy, without sin, yet he chooses to forgive and pay the price for you. How can anyone who claims Christ even consider doing anything less, considering what they’ve been given? You forgive, but you don’t have to continue to put up with such behavior.
I don’t normally advocate divorce, but if you find that you are unable to forgive him, then perhaps forgive him one last time and let him go so his sin is no longer against you, but only against God and himself.
(USA) Hi Petunia, Bless your heart! There is a difference between forgiving and condoning. You forgive because God tells you to. He knows that bitterness, even if it is hidden in the recesses of your heart, acts like a poison and changes who you are and how you will act in life. It MUST be uprooted. It’s not easy… most times it is a long painful process of letting go, releasing what is not ours to hold onto, and giving situations over for God to deal with. But it is absolutely necessary.
One of the problems you have is that your husband continues to do things that adds new poison onto the situation. But even with that… you must keep trusting God, putting your eyes on the faithfulness of God and not the unfaithfulness of your husband. God will give you strength as you lean upon Him.
I don’t know your situation, but keep praying about this that if your husband wants to continue to be unfaithful, justifying it as a “man thing” — which it isn’t — it’s a “weak-willed cheater’s thing”, that somehow God will show you a way of escape so that he doesn’t use your home as his temporary hotel while he goes off with other women. Not only is his unfaithfulness wrong, but he very well could bring a disease into your home that you shouldn’t have to be exposed to. God will show you that way of escape and will provide. Keep praying, believing, and looking.
I encourage you to keep reading through the section we have on “Bitterness and Forgiveness” on this web site. God will strengthen you as you look to scripture, praying, and looking at principles which are based in scripture. Fight bitterness with a vengeance. You don’t deserve to be poisoned by it. You are not letting your husband’s sins off the hook by forgiving; you are ducking and getting out of the way so God has full access to his life without interference. Pray for mercy… in doing so, you may be spared more pain as well. My heart and prayers are with you. Cindy
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Mary (Zambia), I just had a chuckle at the similarities of our experiences. My name is Mariam and I discovered my husband’s infidelity at around the same time as you did. Another coincidence is that I have also been married for 7 years. Other than our names and the time being similar, my situation was that it was with someone who I knew very closely – his PA. I regarded her as a younger sister, having been assured over the 7 years that we have been married, that that was the nature of their relationship. So I felt a double betrayal.
However, I found it easier to forgive her since I believe that she owed me nothing. HE is the one who broke his vows to me and HE is the one who lied. BUT I must say this, in advising you – FORGIVE. This is more for you than him and is also what God requires of us as His children. Pray that God gives you the strength to do so and from there, the burden is at least minus one problem AND you get to shame the Devil. I have found the healing process to be that much smoother (NOT EASIER necessarily) since I DECIDED to forgive and to do so wholeheartedly and sincerely.
I am now at the stage, with God’s help (that I am SO grateful for) to be able to laugh with my husband and see him as a human being and not the DOG that I thought of him before I forgave. I am now able to remind myself that despite what he has done, he is my husband and even though it is not easy to respect him (and I sometimes feel he doesn’t even deserve my respect), I am going to respect him because it’s the right thing to do and I know it’s what God expects of me.
With all this progress though, I still have my outbursts every now and then but they are few. I am now wondering about and am fearful about my ability to trust or be intimate with him again and wonder if I will ever be able to do either.
To all of you who are hurting and struggling to let to of that – DO LET GO. Trust and give it ALL to God and let Him take care of it all – His way. What the enemy intends for harm, God intends and uses it for our good – ALWAYS.
PS… It’s no coincidence that you are seeing and hearing about forgiveness wherever you go. THAT is one of the ways God guides and communicates with you — so follow His lead. That’s exactly what happened to me in all the phases of my journey so far.
(USA) My husband of 4 years had an emotional affair. We separated at the beginning of this year. He has always put me second behind his mother and his family and never stood up for me like a Christian man should.
I found out he was talking to this 20 year old girl from our church that teaches the youth (I no longer attend church there). I found texts from him telling her that he loved her and that we would never get back together. Then, he started trying to get me back and I told him I wanted time and space because I was so bitter against him and his family, I just needed time.
When I finally went to him and told him I wanted to try and work it out, he told me he was in love with his girlfriend and he wanted to see what they had between them first. He was my first, and we’ve been together since I was 18 years old. I’m 25 now, he’s 30. How can he do this to me for a little girl?! I took his family in, raised his nephews for a year! How do you move past the hurt? Part of me says to just get a divorce because I can’t trust him and he has once again, put my well being behind another woman’s. Then part of me says that God is against divorce and that I should just wait. Why should I wait while he has his fun and just wait until this girl dumps him? Someone please give me some insight!!
(USA) I have been married for 22 years. My children are both in college and I am dealing with empty nest issues and trying to make life changing choices about my marriage. My husband works for a large corporation, and travels internationally. Our children have both been in therapy this year and are both still dealing with issues, such as drug addiction, and a suicide attempt. I have just started seeing a therapist and I am struggling with the decision to stay in this marriage until my children are more stable, or to follow my urge to flee.
I have had many years of evidence that my husband has had many affairs. I also believe that he has taken some of these women with him on trips, and that he has given some of them gifts as well as personal items from our home. The most recent was a book of mine. I am a Christian and I have prayed about this for years. I now believe that my husband has a sexual addiction.
Our finances are stretched thin because of our children, and with the housing market as it is I am feeling pressured to be still until things are better. It feels as though choices are limited. I am emotionally frozen and have not initiated a hug or kiss or sex for the past two months. I think I have had enough. I will admit to considering staying out of fear and fatigue. I have stopped talking and arguing. He only denies and makes statements that I make things up. Very sad.
(USA) I have been married 19 years to a man I put above myself. I love him fully and completely. Two and a half years ago I found this girls number. I called it and she was young. I questioned him when he got back from his business trip and he had a reasonable explanation. Later that year I found viagra in his travel bag and he told me he was embarrased to tell me he was having issues but it being in his travel bag made me wonder. Then I found Cialis in his car and he told me it was sinus pills. When I googled it (it was a generic name) he told me that he couldn’t believe it- that one of his reps had given them to him and told him it was for sinuses. But by then I pretty much felt the distance a third party could create in a marriage and asked him often if he had a girlfriend.
I had STD testing that he told me it was a waste of money since he was not cheating. He actually asked me if I was. I am a stay at home mom and my time is always accounted for. I live for him and my children.
In December he took me away for my birthday and gave me a beautiful ring and while never admitting to an affair said he was recommitted to our marriage and was going to be a better husband. I cried out to God daily to heal the marriage and remove my blinders. He had knee surgery last month and while he was in recovery hooked up to the blood pressure monitor I asked him again if he had a girlfriend. Well the alarm went off and the nurse came in and he joked about how his wife raises his blood pressure.
The next day when he had hobbled into the bathroom leaving his phone I frantically prayed God would show me once and for all where his heart was. I found an email he sent the day before surgery saying he was going to be in her area the next week and how much he was looking forward to their time together. Then previous emails were found. He ditched our son’s last baseball game to take her to a waterfront resort. Our fridge had broke that day and he told me to get the neighbor to look at it. Another man was taking care of his family while he was wining and dining the girl he had been seeing monthly for 2 1/2 years.
When he came out of the bathroom I showed him the phone and he still told me they were just friends. I called her and put her on speaker and asked why she was with a married man with 3 children, couldn’t she find a single man? She denied being involved until he spoke up and said he had confessed. He apologized to her and took full responsibility, hung up the phone and yelled at me for messing with his job!
I told him what should have gone down was telling her that it was over and begging me for forgiveness. I hate so much what he’s done and I am face down before the Lord many times a day praying to heal my heart. After I went to see a lawyer – the Bible does give me an out here – his demeanor changed and now he’s saying he’s committed to me. But because of all the past lies and the fact that I look at him through rose colored glasses I feel like I wouldn’t know the truth if it struck me in the face.
I know God chose him as my husband – we grew up 800 miles apart- and when we are together we do have a great time. People are so surprised by what is going on because they thought we were over the moon about each other. My kids would have a better life if I stay but I don’t know that I would. He has also confessed to a one night stand 15 years ago and wanting to have slept with someone else while I was out of town at my friends wedding 18 years ago. (The reason they didn’t was her son having to have come with her.)
I know I am not strong enough to go through this again. I am down to 116 lbs at 5′9″ and a month ago I was at 128. I cry all the time and I feel like if I stay he will do this again. We are seeing a Christian couple for counseling but I am no closer to knowing what to do. Whew!! I think I have carpel tunnel from all this unloading but it feels good.
(USA) Oh Karen, I needed to write you a note to tell you that my heart is crying for you and your sweet children. I am praying for you and your children that God will infuse hope in your hearts and help you to KNOW what you are supposed to do. I don’t even have many words for you… except to say that I care and am praying. I’m sure many, many others will be praying as well. Keep leaning on God (instead of your own understanding) and reach for wholeness in your thinking and your actions. May God abundantly bless you, despite the pain you are experiencing!!!
(USA) Hi Karen. The Bible says if two or three agree in prayer God will be there too. What a lot of pain we have in this life. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do or have the strength to fight. But we cast our burdens unto the Lord and lean not on our own understanding. Do not worry, those who sin will choke in their own schemes. God is looking down and can see all that is going on. He is a power greater than everything and we can rest in his promises for complete joy through faith and hope. I am agreeing with you in prayer.
(USA) I thank God for your prayers!! I know that I could use them! I told him last night that he needs to call our church and find a counselor specifically for his sex addiction and his lies. Of course he was not receptive last night but this morning I had such peace that it was the right thing to do that I told him, that if he wanted the marriage to work he would do it.
I read Malachi today as God put that on my heart I am so happy when he leads me. I need to stop worrying about my kids so much too – God loves them and they love him I’ve placed our family in the palm of God’s hand and I’m waiting on him.
(UNITED STATES) During the last several weeks, my husband has started attending church with me, spending more time being loving and and telling me over and over how much he loves me and asking me if I am going to always be with him. We have 3 children and have been married for 8 years (met almost 15 years ago).
He has been telling me that he has done something very bad and that he was needing to pray and develop more of a relationship with God. Last week, he told me what the “secret” was and I am hurting. He stated that he had a one night stand and the girl had called him a couple of months ago and said that she was pregnant.
Of course, he is going to ask for a paternity test. He stated that he had went out, had a couple of drinks, and one thing led to another. He said that he doesn’t even know her last name. I have been talking to other women that I go to church with and they are very supportive and I have been praying and reading scriptures. I have good days where I feel really positive and then other days I focus on all the negatives. Today is one of those days. I have lost 5 lbs this week, just sick when I try to eat.
(KENYA) I have been married for 7years. My 7th anniversary was on 21/9/09 and on 20th I saw messages on my husbands phone that were very intimate. I smsd the girl back and she responded several times asking him to go see her. I am mad.
Last year when I was pregnanat with my last child, my husband had an affair with an old schoolmate whom he had not seen for 18 years. Prior to this I had seen their relationship changing from friends who had just refound each other on face book into an intimate flirty relationship. I had warned him that there was a problem and it reached a point when she came to Kenya, he deserted me and his family for the whole month she was here.
As time has passed I discovered he never used protection with her. I had serious contractions in the last months of my pregnancy and my doctor advised me to move out of the room but not to do anything drastic as it could harm my baby.
Their affair fizzled out but he is still cheating on me. I need to move on in this relationship. I have had enough. I fear him because I know when he sleeps around he doesn’t use protection. I guess for me I just need to start the process of getting out. Pray for me to have strength.
(ZIM) You might forgive, learn to live with it, but you can NEVER forget!!!!! I discovered my husband was having an affair 2 months after our baby girl had died. The pain was just toooo much!! And to think he failed to even respect the death of his child, that’s one thing I’m strugling to forgive him for, 2 years after the whole deal. when he goes out and comes in late – you wonder… when he forgets to come pick you up – you wonder… trust has become an issue.