I had my suspicions but it was only when I discovered the proofs of their affair that he actually admitted his infidelity. All those time that he was on vacation from his assignments abroad, he was living a double life and dividing his time between me (and our kids) and his mistress. I demanded that he end the affair and he promised to do so. I know in my heart that he has not put an end to it because the other woman sends me messages every now and then, telling me that my husband asked her to be strong for them. That he promised never leave her no matter what because they love each other. That only death can separate them. My husband also tells me the same things.

When I confronted him about the things his mistress has been telling me, he said that she is just lying and that she wanted to ruin our marriage. Now, I’m so hurt and confused. Even our two children ages 12 and 7 are hurt and confused. I cannot trust him anymore. He lied and deceived me just to keep his affair.

We are still together mainly due to the fact that we have not talked about and explored solutions to our marital problem. Right now, he is on his new assignment abroad. He tells me that everything will be alright. But how can I be sure? He can’t be trusted anymore than a thief?

Now, I can only turn to GOD to help me live each day. It hurts so much. I just can’t take the betrayal and all the deception. Plus, I also have to take care of my children’s emotional needs more than ever. It also helps a lot that my family and my husband’s family supports us emotionally. Still, I put my trust in the LORD, He never meant for families to be broken just because of other people’s selfishness. The LORD tells me to “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”.

He also says he has never imagined life without me and has always loved me but he never once thought he was doing wrong, he told her he loved her, of course she had no feelings for him and about 4 months ago she started using this as an excuse to get more and more money from him, over £2,00 in total in the 4 months, when I found out he was in shock also as I insisted my daughters were present – this was just 2 weeks ago, the day after (he had gone to stay with my eldest daughter) he went to the post office and sent her another £550, he is back at home now but I dont know if I can do this, the thing is I must still love him and deep down I think he still loves me. I am really confussed.

Last year when I was pregnanat with my last child, my husband had an affair with an old schoolmate whom he had not seen for 18 years. Prior to this I had seen their relationship changing from friends who had just refound each other on face book into an intimate flirty relationship. I had warned him that there was a problem and it reached a point when she came to Kenya, he deserted me and his family for the whole month she was here.

As time has passed I discovered he never used protection with her. I had serious contractions in the last months of my pregnancy and my doctor advised me to move out of the room but not to do anything drastic as it could harm my baby.

Their affair fizzled out but he is still cheating on me. I need to move on in this relationship. I have had enough. I fear him because I know when he sleeps around he doesn’t use protection. I guess for me I just need to start the process of getting out. Pray for me to have strength.

He has been telling me that he has done something very bad and that he was needing to pray and develop more of a relationship with God. Last week, he told me what the “secret” was and I am hurting. He stated that he had a one night stand and the girl had called him a couple of months ago and said that she was pregnant.

Of course, he is going to ask for a paternity test. He stated that he had went out, had a couple of drinks, and one thing led to another. He said that he doesn’t even know her last name. I have been talking to other women that I go to church with and they are very supportive and I have been praying and reading scriptures. I have good days where I feel really positive and then other days I focus on all the negatives. Today is one of those days. I have lost 5 lbs this week, just sick when I try to eat.

I read Malachi today as God put that on my heart I am so happy when he leads me. I need to stop worrying about my kids so much too – God loves them and they love him I’ve placed our family in the palm of God’s hand and I’m waiting on him.

I had STD testing that he told me it was a waste of money since he was not cheating. He actually asked me if I was. I am a stay at home mom and my time is always accounted for. I live for him and my children.

In December he took me away for my birthday and gave me a beautiful ring and while never admitting to an affair said he was recommitted to our marriage and was going to be a better husband. I cried out to God daily to heal the marriage and remove my blinders. He had knee surgery last month and while he was in recovery hooked up to the blood pressure monitor I asked him again if he had a girlfriend. Well the alarm went off and the nurse came in and he joked about how his wife raises his blood pressure.

The next day when he had hobbled into the bathroom leaving his phone I frantically prayed God would show me once and for all where his heart was. I found an email he sent the day before surgery saying he was going to be in her area the next week and how much he was looking forward to their time together. Then previous emails were found. He ditched our son’s last baseball game to take her to a waterfront resort. Our fridge had broke that day and he told me to get the neighbor to look at it. Another man was taking care of his family while he was wining and dining the girl he had been seeing monthly for 2 1/2 years.

When he came out of the bathroom I showed him the phone and he still told me they were just friends. I called her and put her on speaker and asked why she was with a married man with 3 children, couldn’t she find a single man? She denied being involved until he spoke up and said he had confessed. He apologized to her and took full responsibility, hung up the phone and yelled at me for messing with his job!

I told him what should have gone down was telling her that it was over and begging me for forgiveness. I hate so much what he’s done and I am face down before the Lord many times a day praying to heal my heart. After I went to see a lawyer – the Bible does give me an out here – his demeanor changed and now he’s saying he’s committed to me. But because of all the past lies and the fact that I look at him through rose colored glasses I feel like I wouldn’t know the truth if it struck me in the face.

I know God chose him as my husband – we grew up 800 miles apart- and when we are together we do have a great time. People are so surprised by what is going on because they thought we were over the moon about each other. My kids would have a better life if I stay but I don’t know that I would. He has also confessed to a one night stand 15 years ago and wanting to have slept with someone else while I was out of town at my friends wedding 18 years ago. (The reason they didn’t was her son having to have come with her.)

I know I am not strong enough to go through this again. I am down to 116 lbs at 5′9″ and a month ago I was at 128. I cry all the time and I feel like if I stay he will do this again. We are seeing a Christian couple for counseling but I am no closer to knowing what to do. Whew!! I think I have carpel tunnel from all this unloading but it feels good.

I have had many years of evidence that my husband has had many affairs. I also believe that he has taken some of these women with him on trips, and that he has given some of them gifts as well as personal items from our home. The most recent was a book of mine. I am a Christian and I have prayed about this for years. I now believe that my husband has a sexual addiction.

Our finances are stretched thin because of our children, and with the housing market as it is I am feeling pressured to be still until things are better. It feels as though choices are limited. I am emotionally frozen and have not initiated a hug or kiss or sex for the past two months. I think I have had enough. I will admit to considering staying out of fear and fatigue. I have stopped talking and arguing. He only denies and makes statements that I make things up. Very sad.

I found out he was talking to this 20 year old girl from our church that teaches the youth (I no longer attend church there). I found texts from him telling her that he loved her and that we would never get back together. Then, he started trying to get me back and I told him I wanted time and space because I was so bitter against him and his family, I just needed time.

When I finally went to him and told him I wanted to try and work it out, he told me he was in love with his girlfriend and he wanted to see what they had between them first. He was my first, and we’ve been together since I was 18 years old. I’m 25 now, he’s 30. How can he do this to me for a little girl?! I took his family in, raised his nephews for a year! How do you move past the hurt? Part of me says to just get a divorce because I can’t trust him and he has once again, put my well being behind another woman’s. Then part of me says that God is against divorce and that I should just wait. Why should I wait while he has his fun and just wait until this girl dumps him? Someone please give me some insight!!

However, I found it easier to forgive her since I believe that she owed me nothing. HE is the one who broke his vows to me and HE is the one who lied. BUT I must say this, in advising you – FORGIVE. This is more for you than him and is also what God requires of us as His children. Pray that God gives you the strength to do so and from there, the burden is at least minus one problem AND you get to shame the Devil. I have found the healing process to be that much smoother (NOT EASIER necessarily) since I DECIDED to forgive and to do so wholeheartedly and sincerely.

I am now at the stage, with God’s help (that I am SO grateful for) to be able to laugh with my husband and see him as a human being and not the DOG that I thought of him before I forgave. I am now able to remind myself that despite what he has done, he is my husband and even though it is not easy to respect him (and I sometimes feel he doesn’t even deserve my respect), I am going to respect him because it’s the right thing to do and I know it’s what God expects of me.

With all this progress though, I still have my outbursts every now and then but they are few. I am now wondering about and am fearful about my ability to trust or be intimate with him again and wonder if I will ever be able to do either.

To all of you who are hurting and struggling to let to of that – DO LET GO. Trust and give it ALL to God and let Him take care of it all – His way. What the enemy intends for harm, God intends and uses it for our good – ALWAYS.

PS… It’s no coincidence that you are seeing and hearing about forgiveness wherever you go. THAT is one of the ways God guides and communicates with you — so follow His lead. That’s exactly what happened to me in all the phases of my journey so far.

One of the problems you have is that your husband continues to do things that adds new poison onto the situation. But even with that… you must keep trusting God, putting your eyes on the faithfulness of God and not the unfaithfulness of your husband. God will give you strength as you lean upon Him.

I don’t know your situation, but keep praying about this that if your husband wants to continue to be unfaithful, justifying it as a “man thing” — which it isn’t — it’s a “weak-willed cheater’s thing”, that somehow God will show you a way of escape so that he doesn’t use your home as his temporary hotel while he goes off with other women. Not only is his unfaithfulness wrong, but he very well could bring a disease into your home that you shouldn’t have to be exposed to. God will show you that way of escape and will provide. Keep praying, believing, and looking.

I encourage you to keep reading through the section we have on “Bitterness and Forgiveness” on this web site. God will strengthen you as you look to scripture, praying, and looking at principles which are based in scripture. Fight bitterness with a vengeance. You don’t deserve to be poisoned by it. You are not letting your husband’s sins off the hook by forgiving; you are ducking and getting out of the way so God has full access to his life without interference. Pray for mercy… in doing so, you may be spared more pain as well. My heart and prayers are with you. Cindy

I don’t normally advocate divorce, but if you find that you are unable to forgive him, then perhaps forgive him one last time and let him go so his sin is no longer against you, but only against God and himself.

What you have gone through and will go through because of what occurred in your marriage and your home could drive any human being to become bitter and unforgiving. But God knows that bitterness and unforgiveness acts like a cancer within us and works to destroy the good we have within us. It also hurts those around us that are innocent because it forever changes in a negative way who you are. God wants to spare you as much of that as possible.

This may be a long journey for you to be able to fully forgive your husband. You will do well one moment and then a bitterness will spring up unexpectedly and will try to take root within your heart and soul and blind-side you. I encourage you to work through the issues but to continually work to let go of whatever bitter feelings you may experience and hand them over to God. He is able and willing to do that for you. It’s ok to be angry. That is an emotion you can work through and should work through, after-all, you were victimized in this. But don’t live there continually and work to get through it and past it eventually.

To understand what I’m trying to explain, I encourage you to visit the section on the web site titled “Bitterness and Forgiveness.” I hope that you will work through it and that it will help you on this journey. Keep in mind that eventually you MUST come to the place of forgiving your husband. It may take a while, but God asks this of you. It is more for your benefit than for anyone else’s. You will eventually see that. God loves you and as your heavenly Father, He wants to help you to work through that which has hurt you.

Whether you reconcile in your marriage is a separate issue that you should lay before God and in your heart to decide. Just because we forgive, that doesn’t mean that we must stay in a place where we allow someone who is unrepentant to hurt us again. I’m confident that the Lord will guide you to make a right decision.

You are doing things the right way, from what I can perceive. I’m proud of you for not making any hasty decisions, in working this out with the Lord and your pastor and your husband in a wise manner. May the Lord redeem that which is so deeply hurting your heart. May He breathe hope into your heart that you will one day be able to smile again and experience the joy of the Lord.

I am just holding on to this marriage because everyone is asking me to forgive him. I may be in a supermarket, everyone is talking about forgiveness (not that I have shared my problem). My pastor is talking about forgiveness. I bought a certain book, its also full of forgiving articles. Is this really a coincidence?

My husband had a talk alone with the pastor yesterday, but he is coming again tomorrow to speak to both of us. I will keep on praying so that God heals my damaged emotions and also keep on praying for my husband who has trouble with faith issues. I am letting God take control of my situation. Thank you for your prayers.

As far as your future together, that is something you need to work out with your husband and what the Lord tells your heart. Even so, I would never trust him alone with any woman worker again. He has shown a horrible lack of judgment. I understand that your culture doesn’t include having men do housework, but even so, it would be better to bend this cultural custom, than to have him violate another woman who would be at his disposal if they were alone together. That is my humble opinion.

I, and many others, will be praying for you and your marriage and your husband and also for this woman. She may have “somebody who is marrying her” but she has been gravely violated and truly needs God’s mercy to help her to deal with the images and fears that she is sure to have because of what happened to her. May God help all of you to go forward with God.

My maid told me of the ordeal almost one month after it happened. I asked her why she could not scream when he had sex with her. She said she just laid there and tried to fight him but he was much too strong for her. He also begged her not to tell me and promised it would not happen again. But it happened again, and that is why she came to my house with her mother, confessed everything, and decided to stop work there and then.

Upon asking her why she could report him to the police if she claims he raped her, she said she had forgiven him but would not continue working and that she did not want to go to all the trouble as she already has somebody who is marrying her in December this year.

My husband has an income he gets every month. Somehow, he contributes where finances are concerned. On the issue of him doing the chores at home, men in African culture usually don’t do all the work at home. They do help, but not to do all the house hold chores.

I read the scripture you gave me, and I will touch the articles you suggested on this same website.

We met my pastor two weeks ago for counselling. It did not help me much, as my husband was a bit reluctant. The Pastor is coming again today to meet with me and my husband. We married when both of us were not believers, I got saved 2 years ago and my husband is still not a believer. This time he says he will accommodate the pastor because he knows he is guilty. I will update you of the outcome. I really need to pray very hard because I am still very hurt. Keep on praying for me.

It’s difficult to say what exactly goes on in the mind of someone who decides to lower themselves enough to cheat like this — especially with someone who says she didn’t consent. It certainly doesn’t sound like love on your husband’s part. It sounds like lust that was given opportunity.

I’m reminded of the account of Amnon and the rape of Tamar, in the Bible in 2 Samuel 13. Amnon saw what he wanted and found an opportunity and took it. He then hated her afterward. I’m sure her presence reminded him of his own guilt in the situation and so he wanted nothing around him (including her) that would cause him to face his sin.

I’m not surprised that your husband “hates” this woman. And I’m not surprised that he wants you to stop bringing up this subject repeatedly. But keep in mind that he is the perpetrator and you, and this woman are the victims here. I don’t know her part in all of this, and you may never know, but from what you’ve written, she may be truthful in this.

If your husband truly wants to stay together, he should do all he can to help you to heal and will stop looking at how this “tires” him out when you feel you need more from him. You need to make sure that he is willing to help you to heal and be totally honest in the future. If he isn’t, then you cannot build a future with someone like that. If he isn’t truly repentant and ready to change his behavior now and in the future, your marriage could be at peril and your heart will be open for more hurt.

As far as “too much time in the wrong setting” causing someone to fall into sexual sin, that could be true of many, many people. (From the Bible we can see that Joseph is one example where that didn’t happen, but David is an example where it did. So it shows that even good people fall, but some don’t.) With that said, that’s one of the reasons why we try to get married couples to work as a team in protecting each other from sexual temptation. Even the best can fall. So it’s best to do what you can to build protection into your life so it lessens the opportunities.

I can say that I wouldn’t put my marriage in that place if I could at ALL prevent it. I trust my husband. But I don’t trust the enemy of our faith and the pull that could happen if Steve was alone with a woman that many hours repeatedly with no one around. I don’t THINK he would fall, but I wouldn’t want to take that chance. Steve and I work hard to protect each other and not allow ourselves personally to be put in places where we could give in to temptations. We have put “hedges” up in our marriage. You can read about hedges and putting guidelines together to protect your marriage in the “Extramarital Affair” section.

As far as what you can do now Mary, I really encourage you to read everything you can on our web site as far as how to heal from this. There are also other web sites we recommend that you can visit and resources you can obtain to help you with this. Make it your mission. Pray that God will help you in healing your heart. It will take you a long time and unfortunately, you will never be the same. But you can eventually adjust to a new “normal” as you lean into God’s healing. I’ve seen this repeatedly so I know it’s possible. I pray you get there.

Ask God to show you what you should ask of your husband and what you shouldn’t. One thing for sure, I wouldn’t have another Domestic Worker in my home when he is there. He has shown a HUGE weakness with this. And he needs to be helping you at home more. If he isn’t working outside of the home, then he needs to contribute to working inside of it. (It might motivate him to finding SOME kind of job … even if it isn’t what he would want.) I know that opportunity may have a lot to do with him getting a job, but within 2 years, he can demonstrate that he is willing to do SOMETHING to contribute to the household.

And the thought that he could have raped this woman would also haunt me. I don’t know the facts, but I would certainly have problems with this. There hasn’t been anything said about whether his actions will be dealt with legally, but if he’s guilty, he should be prosecuted — husband or not.

I don’t know if your marriage can survive this. But I encourage you to pray a LOT about what you should do. It’s amazing what God can do in and through us as we lean upon Him. Ask God for wisdom and mercy and help in doing what is best for all concerned. I pray the Lord will help you to heal and help you to smile once again, and help you to be whole again. My love and prayers are with you. Cindy

Can someone just explain the kind of sexual temptation my husband was in? Surely he was not having an affair with my domestic worker. Now he really hates her.

Quoting from "Surviving Infidelity" (3 Ways to escape sexual temptation) ‘too much time in the wrong setting will cause anyone to fall to sexual sin’.

Could leaving my husband alone with the domestic worker everyday as I go for work be the reason that he fell into this kind of sexual temptation? I work from 08.00 hours to 17.00 hours and never go home for lunch. My husband has not been working for nearly 2 years now, and is usually at home. From the way the domestic worker explained she never consented, in short my husband had been forcing himself on her.

Right now I am so confused, I just need answers. My husband told me he is tired of explaining to me the same thing over and over again, and he tells me to let go. At the moment I have mixed emotions and I am just contemplating divorcing him, but he does not want divorce himself. If he loved me enough why did he have to do it, especially with just a vulnerable domestic worker?

Please, people of God help me. I know at the end of the day the choice will still be mine, either to leave him or forgive him. It’s always encouraging to get advice from people who fear the Lord.

I know how much the betrayal hurts. It’s like mourning a death. It will take time to heal. Do you still plan on staying together? It has been 3 months since he cut all ties with her. We are trying to move on; but some days I just don’t feel like I want to.

There are 2 books out right now by Gary Neuman. They are terrific reads. He was just on Oprah and I made my husband watch. There is more I could add but I want to wish you luck. Give yourself time. The pain will lessen but you will never forget. Prayer will help, too.