“Maybe you won’t get through to the other person as long as you keep approaching him the way you always do.” (Michael Nichols)

“What men fear most is criticism and rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t tell him anything—you can. But you have to look at the consequences and see if how you’re doing it is working or not.” (Dr Phil McGraw)

Confronting each other when we have a problem can be one of the most difficult things we do because if we don’t do it right we can make the situation even worse than before. One of our friends calls confrontation in a caring relationship such as marriage “CARE-frontation” because we’re to confront them in a caring way —speaking the truth in love.

For this message we’d like to share with you some devotional thoughts on this subject from Dennis and Barbara Rainey from their book, Moments Together for Couples …Devotions for Drawing Near to God and One Another” published by Regal Books. This particular one is called, Reality Checks for Confrontations. Please note however that we inserted some appropriate scripture verses in brackets to further emphasize their excellent points. On this subject they wrote:

As important as it is to be able to lovingly confront your mate when you have a conflict, it is also important not to be judgmental. It’s essential that you don’t just see your spouse’s flaws while ignoring your own. Here are some reality checks Barbara and I have found useful:

1. CHECK YOUR MOTIVATION. Do you want to help or hurt by what you say? Will bringing this up lead to healing and oneness? Prayer is a good barometer of motivation. When you take your situation to God you can usually see your motivation for what it is.

[Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)]

[Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Philippians 4:29)]

2. CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE. Loving confrontation says: “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want you to know how I feel, but I want to know how you feel, too.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don’t pull up in your dump truck and unload all your garbage. Approach your partner lovingly.

[Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. (Philippians 2:3)]

3. CHECK THE CIRCUMSTANCES. This includes timing, location and setting. The time for Barbara to confront me is not just as I walk in from a hard day’s work. I need to confront her sometime when she isn’t settling a squabble with the kids.

[A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. (Proverbs 25:11)]

4. CHECK TO SEE WHAT OTHER PRESSURES MAY BE PRESENT. Be sensitive to where your mate is coming from. What’s the context of his or her life right now?

[He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3)]

[There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 16:25)]

5. BE READY TO TAKE IT AS WELL AS TO DISH IT OUT. Sometimes confronting your mate can boomerang on you. Beware of what psychologists call “projecting” —seeing your own faults in others. You may start to give your spouse some “friendly advice” only to learn that the problem you are describing is actually your fault!

[A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2)]

[And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)]

Discuss: Think back to a confrontation that didn’t go especially well. Can you determine whether more attention to one or more of the above suggestions may have made a more fruitful discussion?

Pray: For the courage to confront and the love and self-awareness to keep such episodes as positive contributors to intimacy in your home.

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We pray you have found these thoughts enlightening and helpful. Dennis and Barbara Rainey have a wonderful ministry to families through the ministry of Family Life Today which has a great web site at www.familylife.com which has a lot of excellent material that you might find helpful to your marriage and in raising a family. If you’re from Africa, you can contact them at www.familylife.org.za. We hope you’ll check them out! 

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages ones that reflect the love of God in every way.

Steve and Cindy Wright

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