THE MARRIAGE DILEMMA: What do you do if one of you has the “natural inclination” to be a “messie” and this drives the other spouse absolutely crazy because they like things neat and tidy?

That’s the subject we’re going to address in this Marriage Message because it’s a source of irritation in so many households. And more often than not it becomes a “nagging” problem that isn’t always dealt with in the most peaceable of ways. We have a few insights we’d like to share with you hoping it will be helpful to those of you who find yourselves in this situation in your marriage or you know of someone else who deals with this dilemma (and you can pass this along to them as a mentoring friend).

We came across the following Relation-Tip in a USA Weekend Magazine (March 2003) written by Dennie Hughes that we’d like to share with you:

The following question was posed:

“My husband married me knowing I’m not one for housework. When we both worked, I cooked and he cleaned at the end a hard day. But his attitude changed once I became a stay-at-home mom. Now he just complains about the mess. This has become a huge issue. He feels our home is my work area and should be kept neat. Why do I feel this is unfair?”

Dennie wrote: For your husband to expect your inner maid to miraculously appear just because you’re now a stay-at-home mom, and for him to think he no longer has to pitch in, is very unfair. However, your stubborn stance against altering your cleaning aptitude (probably brought on by his new, surly attitude) isn’t fair either.

Marriage is a compromise situation. You were smart enough to discuss your limitations and expectations before you made your vows— and you should have talked about your new roles as homemaker and breadwinner before that life-altering decision to have a child.

That said—it’s not too late now. Discuss your feelings, and brainstorm ideas to reach a happy middle ground. For example: Your husband wants to relax in a clean living room after work. You sympathize, then (because he referred to the home as your office) remind him that when he comes home you’ve also been on the job all day with household errands and your child. The plan: Share the overtime. You cook; he washes dishes. You make his relaxation area clutter-free while he bathes the baby and gets him ready for bed.

And don’t forget: In addition to being “mommy-caretaker” and “daddy-breadwinner,” you’re also still husband and wife. So schedule a little romance between the daily chores.

Here are some other thoughts on the subject we hope you’ll find helpful:

• Good advice: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.” That can sure apply to housekeeping habits as well as other areas of life together as husband and wife! Don’t forget to give each other grace and overlook that which can be overlooked for the sake of the relationship. And as for that, which you can’t overlook, ask God for wisdom in how to approach the situation with a forbearing spirit. First prayer—then share.

• Keep in mind that in marriage you’re a team. Your goal is to attack the problem—not each other. Sit down at an agreed upon time (when neither one of you is upset over this matter) and strategize together how you can work as a team to bring order into your house that will satisfy both of you.

• If at first you don’t succeed— try, try again! You may find this to be a life-long “problem” that will need to be dealt with again and again. Just remember to be patient with each other and work with each other on this. As they say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and surely that would also apply in keeping it clean!

• Rather than focus on each other’s habits try to approach the problem objectively. As Mary Hamilton said in an article called, Work it Out—a Messy Marriage (in Marriage Partnership Magazine - Summer 2002) “We both want a home that’s attractive and appealing. So we look for ways to help each other accomplish that goal.”

• “Old patterns will persist if serious effort is not made to change them.” Seriously and patiently work on this together.

“Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”
(Ephesians 4:2 TLB)

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Of course, we believe these principles of giving grace and communicating openly over differences apply to more than just dealing with who’s a “messy” or who’s a “neat freak.” In every relationship there are going to be differences. The challenge is to learn how to work through them in a healthy, God-honoring way.Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be in Christ!Steve and Cindy Wright

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