My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband: I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong.
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.
Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.
Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.
We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” and said “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.
Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.
Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.
Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”
Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
Request his help on Spiritual matters too. Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.
Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.
Change your attitude and actions
Respect is both a verb and a noun: an action and an attitude so begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.
Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.
Remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
The above article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
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(INDIA) I really don’t know but I will soon getting into this marriage stuff… I hope I can always maintain this respect onto my would be husband’s eyes and heart… That’s it! Yea, but I loved the article. Thanks anyways.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I LOVE MY HUSBAND VERY MUCH, BUT I AM NOT TYPE OF PERSON THAT VERBALLY EXPRESSES EMOTIONS. IT IS JUST VERY, VERY HARD FOR THE WORDS TO COME OUT. BUT I DON’T THINK I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY BECAUSE HE SAYS I HAVE CHANGED. I DON’T RESPECT HIM, I DON’T HAVE FAITH IN HIM “HE DOESN’T FEEL HE IS IN CONTROL (SINCE WE GOT MARRIED)”. TO ME THIS CLEARLY SAYS HE WANTS TO BE THE BOSS OF ME.
HE ALSO SAYS I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM ANYMORE. THIS MAY BE BECAUSE I RESENT HIM FOR BETRAYING ME, FOR LYING WHEN ITS UNNECESSARY… I JUST FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GIVE MY ALL TO HIM AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS.
(WEST INDIES) I really would like to try this respect recipe. I believe for a long time I have known what to do which is similar to what was suggested, but I never followed through, always stopping half-way to say that it is not reciprocated. Plus I often feel I don’t love him so it was very hard. An almost adulterous act made me think twice. And now the love I thought I needed to have for him before I could respect him is not necessary anymore. Now I want to love him and respect him. It could be guilt (I have decided that I will not tell him since I cheated on him before we got married and he has not forgiven me or forgotten after 6 years). But I really want to try and let this work, for everyone, my kids especially.
(ZIMBABWE) I have been married for 9 years now and shockingly, I have never seen my husband naked. He changes when I am not there or comes from the bathroom already in his boxers. During the night the light is just turned off and because of tradition, I have never really been able to ask him why. I love him, we have a good relationship. Of course we do have our ups and downs but generally we are a good couple. It is only this that bothers and troubles me. I have only managed to ask him twice about it and he was so evasive that I have just stopped asking. I want to know my husband. Help me.
(USA) What do you do when your husband has abused, mistreated, neglected, and taken you for granted so long that you no longer respect him? How can you get back the belief in him and respect you once had when he shows you no respect or love himself? How can you treat someone like a king when he makes you feel like your only purpose is to pay the bills and buy him things? He makes me feel like a prostitute.
(UNITED STATES) I am having a hard time respecting someone who REFUSES to get a job causing us to lose our home- even when he had an interview booked with the company picking up the plane ticket for the interview. He canceled it and told me he never wanted a job again.
Someone, please tell me how that is being a loving Christian husband, and how in the world do I respect someone who WANTS us on the streets? He informed me he will use all the savings and retirement to go chase his dream in network marketing, and that 1 Tim 5:8 does not apply to him. He also has to make ALL decisions and he spends all the money without consulting me on any of it. Seriously….what do I do?
(USA) Please, women, take responsibility for you and your family’s well-being. When your husband is selfishly leading your family into financial ruin, or you see things that aren’t right, please don’t give up, especially if your children are affected. Even if you believe that the man should be the head of the family, it is childish and selfish to give up responsibility and “feel free” from the problem b/c it’s “his job” to take care of things. You’re an adult on equal footing with him, and you need to help make sure your needs are met, and those of any children you have. The world doesn’t need more martyrs. Respect your husband, sure, but respect yourself and the rest of your family as well.
Also, while I definitely agree that you often have to give something to get something, and setting the tone/taking the lead can work, it won’t always. Try it, but after a while if it just leads to him walking all over you, realize that he just might not deserve your respect. Not everyone does. (I mean, they deserve a certain level of respect just for being human- not to be abused, etc.- but you know what I mean.)
As other posters have said, sometimes it just makes you more submissive and lets your husband take further advantage of your passivity and willingness to sacrifice. If you’re doing all the work to save your marriage, for years at a time, you must ask yourself is it really worth it? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.
If only one of you is willing to work on it, what kind of a marriage is that? It’s supposed to be a partnership that involves compromise but ultimately improves each other’s lives greatly. If it’s continually not living up to that, maybe it’s a marriage only in your mind. I believe in marriage, but if one partner continually shows by their actions that they do not- what good is it?
(USA) Hi Me, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but we have a few articles posted in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section that deal with unemployment and a spouse losing a job that you might find helpful. They have additional links to other articles you can read as well. They might help you to better understand your husband’s mindset.
Trust me, it’s not always the logical way that works in dealing with someone who is insecure and is trying to find their footing after losing a job! We’ve seen it time and again. Sometimes they hide and/or do foolish things that make no sense. It helps to know this better when trying to deal with it.
Beyond that however, it seems that your husband has some additional issues that need to be dealt with concerning money matters (however, this may or may not be the time to tackle those issues until the job issue is better resolved).
Even so, I would recommend you go into the “Marriage and Finances” section of our web site and read whatever might help you. You might go into the “Links” part of that section and go to the Crown.org link and read through their web site to see what they might have that could help you. They changed their web site a bit so it isn’t as user-friendly as it once was, but if you’re persistent, you can find stuff.
They have an “Articles” section on the top of the Home Page that you could find useful in reading what you might do about your husband’s control issues concerning money. There are a lot of layers of reasons why your husband is doing what he is doing and it would be good to look into them before you confront your husband further on these matters (which NEEDS to eventually be done).
You might also go into the “Communication and Conflict” section to read articles concerning how you can get through to men in a way they best receive it without slamming their ears shut. It’s the result you want instead of doing things like you THINK they should be done, right? I found that I had to change my approach after learning what I did and when I did… it dramatically changed the result for the positive.
I hope this helps. My heart and prayers go out to and for you.
(U.S.A.) This is a great web site for couples who are not in abusive relationships. You do NOT pray and stay with someone who is abusive. God would never ever want you to do that. That is the craziest thing that could ever be imagined. You get out. You get away and counseling rarely helps someone with these kind of problems. And even if it did are you going to stay around to be choked while you are having counseling?
From a spiritual perspective, by all means send the guy best wishes way AFTER you have looked after yourself and found a safe haven, and understood how you did this to yourself. You are in charge of your life. You have the answers. you and a loving God who wants the very best for you. He wants the best for your husband but you are not his Savior and staying there helping him is simply codependency, or hurting yourself.
Better to be in a battered women’s shelter than living with someone like this. Most of all, search and search and search to learn about YOU, and understand WHY HAVE YOU ATTRACTED A MAN LIKE THIS. I know. I have been there and the journey through this has been amazing. I belive that I am now a very loving person who forgives my stepfather, my husbands ( I was married more than once) but now have been married 23 years to a man who treats me wonderful.
I do not blame the man. I don’t blame anyone. I see that we are here for experience on earth to learn to love. But love begins with respect and love for yourself. Don’t sit and complain while you are allowing this to go on. You are a child of God, a divine being. No loving God wants this for his daughter, and you should not want it either. Leave with the knowledge and understanding that you will work on yourself to never attract this into your life again. You will have a lot of work to do to release your feelings and to learn to trust and to love again. The sooner the better.
(USA) My husband and I divorced 4 years ago after ten years and four children. Our divorce was UGLY. If you can imagine it being done, we did it. We had a raging custody battle and he ended up dipping into drugs during our seperation and ultimate divorce. Over the past two years he has pled with me to get back together. For the past 14 months he has not seen our children due to the drugs and my desire to protect them. We have alot of anger and issues between the two of us.
Four weeks ago, God reminded me of a time in our marriage when I searched my soul for an answer to this question: “Did you marry the wrong person in mistake or is this the person God has for you?” My answer at that time was a resounding YES, this is supposed to be my husband. God also reminded me of this scripture: I am the same yesterday, today and forever.
In the last four weeks, my “ex” husband has moved from the state we lived in as a couple to where I now live. He left his job and his parents and friends to come here. At first, I was so in awe of the working of God. Now I am numb. The reasons we divorced are still present; our character flaws. On top of that we have done so much to each other, so much pain.
But my major problem now is that I do not respect him…mentally or spiritually. I have a strong personality and he is a more quiet person so I dominate even unintentionally. He has recently started making demands and trying to take “headship” of my house. We are not remarried yet and I feel that he has no right to come in my home and try to demand anything. He is here b/c I want him to but not because I need him to be.
Now that I’ve vented, you can see I have no respect for him and he knows it too. I have got to find a way to respect him inspite of all we have been through, in spite of the pain, and in spite of my opinion of his character as a man. I’m glad I found this site that at least gives me people I can relate to.
I will struggle to gain this ground, but my back is breaking and I’m not sure where to turn. He is no longer using drugs and for that I am thankful. However it is now time to deal with LIFE and all the issues that are present. Please be in prayer over my family as my babies need us, together, happy, strong, committed, and loving. And Father, I pray your blessings over each and every one of these searching souls that they will find your peace and Lord please give us all wisdom as we line our wills up with your word. In Jesus Precious Holy Name, Amen.